Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Chapter 2

For the past years, I don’t make a list of my resolutions. It’s just that I don’t feel like something is changing whenever a year ends and a new one paints itself on the calendar before. I make certain pledges when asked. It is usually the first thing that comes to my mind and I usually end up realizing at the end of the year that I was better than last year although I wasn’t that true to my words. Today and at this very moment, two hours before I bid 2008 farewell, I have some things to say.

2008 was a good year for me. I am not a follower of those predictions. I make my own destiny. I realized that the year brought out the best in me in every aspect of my life. I was so happy, the happiest in my entire life. I became more knowledgeable about those things I need to understand about life. I became closer to God, to my friends and to my family, which I consider as the best part of my year. I became stronger than I had ever been in my existence. As much as I wanted to make a list of what I’ve become and what I’ve learned, I do believe that it’s always more than that. I don’t want people to check my list up and confirm if it really says the truth. Today’s New Year is the best so far. Not because of the food served in the dining table and not even because of the brighter fireworks that I’ll be seeing. It is always concerned about the happiness and satisfaction. I am glad that whenever I think about the past year, there is nothing I can think about except those blissful moments. I’ve forgiven myself and that is what made me undeniably happy.

I believe that a year can be considered as well-spent if I also made other people happy. You know, if I'd been a blessing to others. It is senseless to find yourself in high spirits when all the while, the people who give meaning to your life is blank and sad. To make others thankful for the goodness I’ve brought in their life is the best thing that can ever happen to me and that is my goal for the next year. I won’t call it a resolution. I’d rather term it as a target, which I aim in everything I do. Part of those people I am planning to please are my readers here in blog spot. For months of posting, you, my dear readers have always spoken out and told me that I should pursue this thing because someone is reading and can relate. Although there are times that what I have here are pure confessions of heartbreak and frustrations, I am still being followed and truly, it makes my heart swell in joy. I personally want to talk to every person who comments in every post I make and develop genuine friendship with them. Without those readers, I must be busy about other lousy things, never expressing myself on a site like this. I must be a different person without this spot and without the readers I have today. Thank you so much and happy new year to all of you! It’s more than that expression. It’s always more than that. Sometimes, it’s hard to express your sincerity into something as vague as words yet I want this post to convey even a little of those gratification I have. Every night, just before I close my eyes, I thank God for those people who made my day evocative and my readers are always part of that prayer, even though I don’t know all of them in their real names, their hobbies and recreational activities, even though I am miles apart from them. I thank God for people as uplifting as my readers. I can never inscribe how happy I am to receive kind comments or just telling me that they are one of those who have wasted their times to read and see people following me one by one.

Have a happy New Year everyone. Thank you for reading again.


I think, I’ll be telling some other parts of 2008 tomorrow… after the fireworks have broken the dull and silent sky.

Rhaingel... signing-off to year 2008 (wink)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My Own Brand of Rizal

December 30 here in the Philippines is the death anniversary of our national hero who happened to be Dr. Jose Rizal. Rizal, for me, is what it truly meant by a legend. It’s funny that while I was thinking about him, I am thinking about my changes, too. It always crosses my mind. At some point, Rizal let me know that I was passing on from childhood to adolescence and now that I am a year from leaving my teenage years. It helped me know that my thoughts are undergoing changes and I am beginning to develop principles.

When I was not yet in school and to play outside was my life, Rizal for me is a candy. My mom will give me a coin which has Rizal’s face embossed in it and I will trade that coin for a candy or a gum. That was my own Rizal. When I was studying, maybe in pre-school, Dr. Jose Rizal was Philippines’ National Hero. He was along with the mango which happens to be our National Fruit, along with the carabao which is our National animal, along with other symbols of the word nationalism. When I was a bit older, perhaps grade two, Jose Rizal became a doctor, sculptor, writer, ophthalmologist, painter, novelist and everyone I want to be. My teacher told us that no one can be compared to Pepe, his nickname. When I was grade four, Rizal was from Calamba, Laguna and was the opposite of Bonifacio who became a hero because he used his sword. My teacher educated us about what Rizal did and sacrificed just to win our freedom again. Finally, when I was a sixth-grader, I learned that Rizal’s real name was Jose Protacio Rizal Mercado Alonzo Y Realonda Quintos. (Believe it or not!) I studied about his works and felt that he really deserves to be the National hero of the country. I admire his writing skills and delivered his poems with great pride and love for my own country. I felt that I am really the hope of the nation, that it’s easy to be a hero in my own way but everything changed when I entered high school. It was during those four years that I studied all about his two major works, Noli me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. I learned that Nationalism is not about singing the National Anthem and patronizing Philippine-made products. It’s surely more than that. I studied Noli Me Tangere and developed this fury towards the government and the corruption widely going on. I saw that it’s not always healthy to follow the authority because they are selfish and insensitive. I, being a Filipino, should take part and responsibility in fighting for the freedom Rizal once fought for and lead him to his tragic death. Those were my thoughts back then. My eyes were opened. It was also because of Rizal that I developed those principles I have today and those commitments I chose to partake. Now I know the reason why he fought and had given up his dreams. A life which is not spent on a noble act is senseless. When I was in college where everything seems to be challenging your principles in life, I learned that Rizal was no one perfect. My professor educated us about the National hero’s flaws and wrongdoings. I suddenly became confused about the person I looked up to. However, the nationalism remained. Rizal may not be everyone I thought him to be but still, he deserves to be respected and his works are still living masterpieces.

I always hate to sound like a hero. I don’t want to quote their words even though I find them really true and interesting. Maybe because I always appreciate things quietly. I feel the sympathy of those poor Filipino people being harassed and abused by government officials. I chose not to set my feet in the road and join rallies, instead, I chose to sit in front of this blog spot trying to convince people about my point (if ever I do have) and trying to make my words living characters which will somehow imitate how Rizal used to be. Rizal for me today is no more like a God. He is just a hero who deserves to have the respect he has today. He is intellectual and open-minded, just the way I want myself to be. He is a great writer which works touch hearts and mold lives to make better people, just the way I dream myself to be.

Re-uniting Friendship

I had this get-together with my high school friends yesterday until early this morning. They call it a gathering, a meeting of old but good friends but I would like to believe that after eight months of not seeing and hearing from each other, it was more of a reunion. It was actually a sleep-over in one of my friends’ house (and that is actually the main reason why I wasn’t able to blog yesterday yet I am back today with stories to tell and realizations to share).

I wasn’t looking forward to it, in point of fact. I really thought that it will be a boring get-together with stories which begin with “Now I am a lot better” phrase and I thought that I’ll be finding myself quite out of place during their conversations. I was also not excited because of the thought that I’ll be seeing the ugly faces of those classmates I am not in real good terms with. I was excited, though, to know if ever some of my classmates felt the way I felt before, like for example maturity and independence. Nevertheless, not even one of my predictions happened. Good for me! I was very entertained and I feel like I was in my home and they were my family. I guess, even after several months of changing everyday, I didn’t had any change of heart. They are my friends in the past, in the present and though distance and priorities may have come in between our friendship, nothing changes. We will always be friends in the future. They said that if ever there are changes that they noticed in me, it was the fact that I think deeper this time. It’s also the way I put into words the way I feel but all the same, they still find my jokes funny, my trivia intriguing and my smiles uplifting. I was so happy to hear that. I mean, I am glad that whatever happened in the past- may it be arguments, backstabbing and misunderstandings- those were all parts in the past and no one is actually miserable in the present. No hard feelings. I am so glad to know that they were thinking about me and my condition during those times that I chose to be in silence. They are never boastful and were still the classmates I mingle with everyday during my memorable high school. I miss those silly jokes that made me laugh my heart out. After all, they were the people who first made me scared about losing friends.

We were not supposed to have an overnight stay. What the committee first decided was to stay up to dinner time but because we have infinite of stories to share and to hear, we decided to make the most out of that day, that it is not weekly that we find that particular time when everyone is available to attend a reunion. We know that after that day, it might not push through again because of some irregularities in our schedules. We stayed and laughed harmoniously as we all together reminisced about those stage disasters, failed plays, foods we used to eat, songs we used to sing, games we used to play, angry teachers we made, losing moments during the pep squad, awards we had, competitions we’ve won, other friends we’ve made and everything that made our high school life indispensable in our memories. We reminisced all of them until such time that everyone was silent already and I thank God silently for friends like them before I finally fall asleep.

To wake up with nine other people surrounding you is crazy. I bet that I’ll never experience it in college. I felt my grumbling stomach and aching back. I slept at around four in the morning and woke up at seven. I can hardly open my eyes to at least check the time. I needed time to sleep but breakfast was already ready and everyone else is disturbing me. I missed it. I concluded that high school life is so much different from that of college. I am happy with where I am now but somehow, a part of my heart tells me that I still belong and attached to that happy-go-lucky life.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Penpusher

I find myself so astonished at mankind’s persistent yet vain attempts to escape the certainty of oblivion. I always forget, may it be people we have met before and events we are supposed to attend. I need post-it notes and alarm on my cell phone to remind me about a particular deadline of a project’s submission. I need reminders about all of my friend’s birthday. I don’t remember everything, even myself. I would like to believe that the reason for basic changes in my personality is that I don’t remember who I am exactly yesterday and so each day, I try to picture myself with traits that I might be needing and that which will be useful to me and will do me good. Everyday is a process of creating myself. Everyday, I change, maybe not completely but at some point, I do. I always want to be remembered. Well, who doesn’t? I want to be always remembered as the girl who sings in the shower as if having her concert there and the drama queen who wears braces, has tangled hair, contented with slippers and pants, vomits Math, pig-outs often and hugs her diary tight. I know that that is not always the impression I make. I, at some point, become a Philosophy geek who does nothing but evaluate arguments. Sometimes I become a girl who would just like to sit down in a corner of a room, alone, trying to find inner peace and tranquility by drowning herself to words. I sometimes appear as the girl with high aspirations of being a lawyer and a writer as well and studies so hard to fulfill those ambitions.

I do believe that we have different ways on how to make our existence learned by heart by others; for those ways of life are expressed in nothing less than the ancient pyramids of Egypt, offering foods to their Pharaohs and by nothing more than a stick in a child’s hand, etching a name into a freshly poured sidewalk. Some lovers even engrave their names on barks of trees, providing a heart in between their names and some people vandal their existence on the public comfort room’s door telling their dilemmas in those newly-painted walls and giving away their numbers just to find an equally desperate company. We really have different ways but the goal is for us is the same: to leave our mark in the unset concrete of time- something to say we once existed. Being a product of this modern era, I see the internet as a way on how to tell the world that a Rhaingel was here and this blog spot as a refuge and living witness of all that I’ve been through, my ups and downs, my happiest and gloomiest moment. I was very sincere with all my writings and from that, I have immortalized myself through this blog, showing everyone who I really am.

Perhaps, this is what drives our species to diaries, that some unborn generation may know that we once loved, hated, worried and laughed. It is for them to indirectly see that we had that same feeling they had, having or will soon have… and what is there to this? Maybe nothing more than a poetic gesture, for diaries die with their authors- or so I once believed. I have learned that there is more to the exercise. I feel like I have finally found life and to not mark my existence will be death. For as we chronicle our lives and circumstances that surround us, our perspectives and stretching rationales, what lies before us is our own reflection. It is the glance in the mirror that is of value. These are my words on the matter and I leave it at this- if we write things all about ourselves, our perceptions, our hopes and beliefs, and we touched their lives and were able to make a good impression, we eternally remain on people’s memory. Maybe they won’t remember our names, but it is like they remember the song but not remember the singer. They always remember the goodness we’ve done in their lives.

Things to Accomplish Part 1

Still, even though I won’t be celebrating my debut party (read THIS), I decided to cheer up and let go of that darn dream. After all, I’ll hurt myself more if I continue holding on to that. I remembered that sadness is just in the mind and in that case, I have a choice to put it outside my mind and unclog my brain. I am still not 100% on my feet again. I am still sad about that lost dream but I what I am trying to do is to distract myself from that painful realization. I am drowning myself with words and just shouting that the world won’t stop revolving just because I won’t have any debut party. I am too shallow. I decided to just make a list of things to accomplish before I turn eighteen. I have roughly ten months to put a check in each of these and when my birthday came, at least, I’ve accomplished some things and that will be another bunch of satisfaction I will be having. This is my list in no particular order:

[ ] Learn how to skate in ice AGAIN. I’ve already developed that skill once but then after scratching and breaking my ankle, I was afraid to skate again. Maybe it was traumatic for me in a way because if I was faster during that time, then I might have resulted to a girl who cannot walk all through her life. That was something to be cautious of. I want to skate fast again and be not afraid to turn and twist and feel the ice’s chill kissing my face. I want to feel that same frostiness I used to feel in my arms again. I want to get over my fear of falling.

[ ] Horse-back ride AGAIN. As far as my memory provides me, the last time I rode a horse was when I was a third-grader and I believe that I’ll enjoy more if I horse-back ride again. It was the green pasture and farm’s breeze that makes me really savor the moment. I want to repeat that moment and I want to experience it with the people/person who are/is dear to my heart. Wouldn't it be romantic?

[ ] Read 18 novels. I always believe that a writer’s true price is the truth that people are patronizing, adoring or just reading their works. I want to be one of those readers who have been part of the writer’s success and satisfaction. I want them to know that they will always be appreciated and someone will always look up to them and their wonderful achievements. As they always say, do to others what you want others to do unto you. Being an aspirant of publishing my own book, I want to be read as well.

[ ] Learn a new sport. I am actually thinking about Taekwondo or Lawn Tennis. I am still not certain but either way, I want to push through this plan and be a learner once more. After all, I don’t lose anything in learning.

[ ] Make at least three hundred and thirty posts in this blog. I want this dear beloved blog of mine to be not abandoned. I want to entertain the readers that might hop one day on this blog. I have a tendency of being lazy and that makes me worry that I might also have the predisposition to stop posting and just ignore my blog at all. I don’t want to do that and so I am making a thing to do for myself that I have to make a minimum of 330 posts. I already made 81. I have 249 to go and I know I can accomplish it (wink). Send me to the lion's den if I wasn't able to fulfill my words (Just Kidding).

This is just my initial list. I mean, I can always again go on but these are already enough for my post. I don’t want to make unaccomplished tasks and so what I wrote are things that I should start working on right now. I cannot afford to see another disappointment if my birthday came and there are still uncheck boxes.

This may sound so fun but I am still not over IT (sigh).

Just Meant for Dreaming

Today, I accepted one important could-have-been in my life and that is I won’t be celebrating any debut party. Since I was born, I celebrated my birthday with a party just two times. It was when I was one and the other was when I was seven. When I was one, I can hardly remember what happened. I just see it in pictures which contain all the wonderful moments of that first birthday of the first-born of the family. It was full of parlor games meant for the other kids of my age. When I was seven, I celebrated my birthday in a swimming pool where chosen friends and relatives attended. Most of the parents of their seventeen-year old daughter are so busy preparing the debut of their child. Being a girl- I always dream of that birthday where I’ll be wearing that long gown, preferably maroon in color, with hair brushed-up, high heels in action, rosy cheeksan artistic and drama queen kind of girl- and dreaming about my last dance. It was something I think about while hearing the rhythm from that majestic violin. Now, I woke up facing the fact that the bubble burst and I have to say goodbye to that debut party. It won’t be happening.

I never told anyone about that excitement. I kept it in myself. When I was ten, I pray every night that I am seventeen so that I am near to that debut. Through the years, I watched my older cousins and friends turning into a princess when their grand day came. It was their own day, like it was forever mark in the calendar that during that night, they were the most beautiful lady and for that one special night, they felt like everything around them sparkles. I watched them while feeling a bit envious about that time of their life. When I was thirteen and I was in high school, I set that dream aside and focus on learning. I go to school with such passion and make friends, lots of them while sometimes, just sometimes, I can’t hide those sweet little smiles and that twinkles in my eyes whenever I think that someday, that debut party will make its way towards reality right in front of my own eyes. It happens in fairy tales and I thought that I can be my own Cinderella. I was excited about those gifts that I’ll be receiving and the dress that I’ll be wearing. I was excited about those people who will give me hart-warming messages towards my womanhood. Apparently, a relative who visited us a while ago was excited about my debut, too, but my mom told her a big “No”. She said that I will be, of course, celebrating my debut but there will be no party. No gowns and flowers. No eighteen roses and sweet dances. No fairy tale coming true. No sparkles at all. I don’t know what to feel today. I am trying to be perfectly fair that a party will cost so much that practicality will be set aside but then, it was a dream for my part and it was once-in-a-lifetime. I’ll never be eighteen again. I guess, I just have to convince myself that I have to be selfless and that I have to consider my mom’s side too who is trying to make both ends meet when it comes to our budget. I guess, I just have to be happy for my friends when they celebrate their own time of their lives.

At the end of the day, dreaming is such a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamt about. The castle, well, it may not be a castle and the princess only becomes a princess only if she is a daughter of a queen and a king. The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, that some things are just meant for dreaming and not for having and we should not hope that much so that there will be no bitter disappointment in the end. There is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams. Just there. Not all kinds of dreams cross the boundary that lies between truth and fantasy.

Friday, December 26, 2008

The Honesty Scrap Award Part 2

And as promised, I am back for the seven people whom I do believe deserve the Honesty Scrap Award. (Note: for the picture of the award and for the instructions of tagging, please read THIS.)

The seven people are the following: (drum rolls)

Julian, saveyoursoul, Micaela, Mila, Tia, Brent, notebookdoodles.

Personally, I love these blogs and to click the links above will surely make you so proud of their talents and honesty in their own respective works. They are really talented and so much deserving of this award. I sincerely look up to them and check out on their blogs once in a while to read their works which are really masterpieces and be enlightened eventually. There are always truth in their works and they entertain people without even compromising honesty and integrity. Their blogs are like textbooks which contain so much information about the realities of life. They are really sources of inspiration for young bloggers like me.

Also, I want to thank Laura for passing on this award to me. Being new in this blogland and being an immature young lady searching for ways on how to improve her writing skills, receiving something like this from the one who can express herself freely on paper means a lot to me. Thank you so much Laura and more powers to your blog! Surely, to be able to see my link in your blog is such a great accomplishment!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Honesty Scrap Award Part 1

Honesty. I try my best to always include a tablespoon of this in each blog post I make. I admit that sometimes, I exaggerate and make such a very big deal but deep between those lines I put on paper is a grain of truth. I know that some of the fiction stories I did write were product of imagination and were all inventions but somehow, I still find myself in there. I disguise my situation in one of those characters, making it alive because it feels what I feel exactly and thinks what I think about. I do believe that honesty is always a must, may it be on casual conversations or in graded recitations and so to receive an award like this (see picture below) means a lot to me.

It was pass on to me by another honest writer who deserves all the credits in the world, Laura(Come and visit her. Her blog is really great). Thank you for your Christmas gift to me. As all the awards come with a price, this one’s responsibility is to write about ten honest things about you. It should be very interesting (and this is where the challenge starts because I have millions of truth about myself but then again to make it interesting to other people is quite a dare for me). The next thing to do is to pass the award on to seven of the other writers in the blogging world that you think deserves this one.

ONE. I have a phobia with needle. I don’t know what it is called. All I know is that I am so much frightened with the thought that a needle is being prick into someone else’s delicate skin. That thought always leaves me breathless, making me want to drain my brain all the way. The doctor says I can still work on it but hey, where do I start? TWO. I am a frustrated singer. It isn’t included in the list of my talents. I have a voice which is mainly for oration and speeches and not for singing in front of a large audience, or even in front of a dear friend. I’d rather tumble than to allow people hear me singing. I’d rather dance than sing. I’d rather be scolded than sing. I am doing everything to make people distracted when they ask me to sing. Poor me! THREE. The child in me is STILL with me. I still believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, white dress, the perfect prince charming that will carry me up in his castle in the mountains, angels. I am still fascinated with pink-colored lollipops and gummy bears, with rainbows and cartoon characters. I still believe that one day, I will open my eyes and I will be watching it coming true. I know that it’s very awkward for a seventeen-year old teenager in me but I’ve lived so long for those hopes and dreams. I don’t know what to do. FOUR. I am a dreamer. I dream big and I deal with them. I am not the kind of person that dreams during the nighttime then forgets everything as soon as I wake up. I dream and I interpret them in my own sense. I dream about butterflies flying away from me and I promised myself that one day, when fate has brought me into that dream again, I am going to catch it in my palms, only to let it go. I dream about myself running endlessly with no reasons at all and as soon as I wake up, I promised myself again that if I dreamt about that today, I won’t be running away. I’ll be staying only to be haunted by my fears in my dreams. FIVE. I don’t have any pets. Unfortunately, I developed a fright and an anger towards cats because of that particular instance when a stray cat scratched me and being a daughter of an over health-conscious nurse, she needed to inject some of anti-rabies vaccine to me so that I won’t be losing my sanity (and hey, it was a VERY big deal for me because of number ONE). After that, I started to avoid animals with rabies. I don’t want to be pricked with those needles again. Never ever again. SIX. I am afraid of taking risks, like for instance, yesterday, when I skate in a different rink. I wasn’t used to that kind of ice and I was scared to land in my back. I was very scared to skate quickly because of the fear of the risk of falling. I know that it’s normal, that people always fail and fall but due to some reasons, I limited and constrained myself into skating slowly but surely, no twists and no turns. No risks. SEVEN. I am quite regretful. I think this is somehow related to number SIX. Because I am afraid to take risks and I always stay on that safe side, I sometimes feel that there is more than what I experienced, that it’s great but it could be greater if I was just brave enough to take those risks. EIGHT. When I say promise, I mean it and I will hold it even if it takes me everything I’ve got. That word for me is very powerful that when you’ve delivered it, you have to really fulfill it. No excuses allowed and no reasons are valid. When it is a promise, it shall never be broken. NINE. I love penguins and pandas. They are lovely and cute and that makes me crave about stuffs which have their cute images in it. TEN. I am lazy academically. I put off for tomorrow those papers and projects that I can do for today and I don’t study that lessons which are supposed to be analyzed. I don’t listen to boring professors and I day-dream a lot when they start to talk monotonously. I repeat: I am lazy academically.

Well, these are the ten quirks yet honest truth about me. I hope that you find it interesting. I’ll be passing this award to the seven honest bloggers I know in my next post.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Last-Minute Wish

Dear Santa Claus,

I am writing you again for the third time this year for my ultimate Christmas wish. It’s only four hours until Christmas finally lands on our planet and I am delivering you my last wish just before the clock finally hit December 25. This is like my grown-up wish list and when I say grown-up, I mean it in a sense that this isn’t about toys or gadgets. I know that I have been very materialistic for the past weeks. I wanted every bit of luxury a living person can have. I wasn’t so serious about that. I mean, if you are to give me those objects (i.e., PSP, car, etc.), I will appreciate it so much but if not, then I did not lose anything. After all, I was just day-dreaming about living a billionaire’s life. It was not something that I will take in replacement of the happiness and contentment I have at the moment.

There is nothing more I can ask for. I mean, I have everything I need, even more than those basics. I know that you have been a witness about what and where I’ve been and my only prayer is that I may have the wisdom to always believe that everything happens for a reason and that if tragedies begin to hurt my ego, Someone who knows the best for me is transforming me into a better and stronger person. Please give me the wisdom to always acknowledge that my thoughts are not His thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. Remind me always that for as the heaven is higher than Earth, so are His perfect plans for me than the plans I have for myself. I know that I was very close-minded, thinking that I know what’s best for myself, acting know-it-all and not entrusting my plans and decisions to the One above and so this Christmas, please give me the wisdom and not merely the intelligence. Give me the courage to understand and depend myself fully on Him and apprehend that though I see myself as someone strong, still I am weak and lifeless as a feather swaying its way to the ground, without Him and His guidance. Sometimes, I admit that I do forget where I came from, that without the goodness He had given my life, I won’t be where I am now and so this makes me trust myself so much, forgetting whom I owe my life. Dear Santa, please bless me with that knowledge not only for this Christmas but for every waking hour of my life.

The thought that everyone is busy for tomorrow makes me lie back again on my couch and start to type my heart out. It is when everyone is in chaos that I examine and listen to myself. My mom is busy for our food. My friends are busy making their Christmas cards and doing their last-minute wrapping of their gifts. My sister is busy thinking about what is inside that golden box under the Christmas tree that has her name on it. As twilight paints itself on the sky, I made myself busy, too, reaching up for the stars and whisper sweet good night to those tiny sparkling diamonds. I wonder if you, Santa Claus, really are real or it was just my playful childhood that told me (and continues to convince me) about your magical existence. I cannot care less. Nevertheless, I know that Someone was very much listening to my heart’s truest desires while I was writing this. It’s enough to know that. Merry Christmas!

Love lots,

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

From That Sweet Little Thing

If there is a thing which hinders me from being the perfect girlfriend every man is dying to have, it is the simple actuality that I don’t cook. I am no Little Miss Chef and as much as I try to be, I cannot. The cooking talent is not running in my veins.

Today, I helped my mom in preparing our food for Christmas Eve. It’s actually a surprise for her because she got lot of things to do and since it’s my vacation, I can do what she is supposed to do. I am planning that during the Christmas Eve, when other families are already eating, I’ll wake her up and show her what I did for the past few days. I know that right now, she maybe thinking about that particular evening and I will be very glad to surprisingly please her. I repeat, I just did prepare and not necessarily cook. I prepared Leche Flan and fruit salad as to make our Yuletide season sweet and very enticing. For the Leche Flan, I pre-heat the sugar in that ellipse silver container, put it in the fire and wait until it turns into a mouth-watering syrup. While I was waiting for it to be hazel brown in color, the telephone rang and because I was home alone, no one will answer the phone. I said “hello” and was kind of upset because I was disturbed from the middle of my doing something. It was from a dear classmate of mine when I was still in high school. She was asking how I’ve been and what I am doing. She told me that our other classmates haven’t heard from me for quite a while and they are so much wondering if I am doing well with my life. I was touched and I felt my conscience bugging me again because while I was thanking God for the person who invented the mute button, my friends are wondering if I am in a good condition. As far as I am concerned, I talked to her for about five minutes when I smelled something like coffee. I realized that I was preparing the Leche Flan’s syrup and promised my friend that I will call her back later, when things to do and accomplish run out of my list.

I found out that there was no coffee. It was the smell of the sugar in the stove. The sugar was over-cooked. It was then bitter and the sweetness was all gone (and please don’t ask me where it went. I don’t know it either). I realized something and that is the sweetness of a thing, when too much, fades away. I repeat, it’s the too much. It’s dangerous. I mean, when something is already sweet and you still set it on fire, being not contented at all and risking everything that you already have, you end up with nothing. Literally and idiomatically speaking, nothing, empty-handed, zero… like a vacant lot with wild weeds afraid to grow in there. It’s nothing because I threw it all away while having those certain realizations in me. I threw it all away because I cannot use it anymore. I’ll ruin the dessert if I push through in using it. I cannot fix that mess anymore. 'twas too late, I guess.

Nevertheless, I started all over again. After all, I have no choice.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Treasures to Keep

It is my friends who made the story of my life and to thank and dedicate this post to them is nothing compared to the goodness they brought in me. For the past years of my existence, I’ve been running through cycles of series of ups and downs and what remained constant? In a thousand of ways, they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges, doing for me what I cannot afford to do for myself. In a thousand of ways, they have It’s my friends who have been persistently there.lent me their wings when I feel so weak and feeble and it allowed me to soar high up above the sky, seeing the breath-taking view of life above. They allowed me to explore into the depths of my dreams and convinced me that life ends when I stop dreaming and hope stops springing when I start to lose my faith. They enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow casted by my deprivation. Without them, the story of my life will be nothing but noise and it will never be told.

My friends are the people who taught me about and that is to sit in a comfy bench under the old Acacia tree and talk about what happened to our lives lately, how are we and what’s new. Because of them, I learned about laughing out loud, never caring about how I look like and learned how to deliver punch lines with great buoyancy. They accepted me at my worst and so I am striving so hard to be the best kind of friend that they can have. the most delightful way of wasting timeThey were the ones who reminded me about who I really am during the time that I felt so lost and disoriented and soul-searching won’t do me any good. Support is what I really need in my life. You know, just that sweet pat on the shoulder will tell me that they will always be proud of me whatever happens, that they are always there to bear with me whatever it takes. It’s priceless. I mean, I can give up my favorite bag and my laptop just to keep my friends forever. They are my antidote when he starts to occupy my every thought, something which protect me from total lose of my sanity. They are the ones who shelter me from the brink of despair and from that small ball of self-pity. They told me about sunrise and that it’s coming soon.

My friends are my oasis, encouraging me to go on with tomorrow when I feel like giving up with what’s up. Often times, I feel like a traveler stuck up on a deserted island and though I am alone in my own journey, there are oasis which calms me down whenever I am tensed and anxious and freshens me up whenever I am fed up. They are the oasis which makes me confident about what lies ahead and never worry about that sandy unpaved road that I will be taking soon. They are very essential to my well-being and without them in my life makes me a weary naive traveler with lots of plans but doesn’t have any will and enthusiasm to do any of them. I am so much blessed with my friends. I am so lucky to have them and the truth is that as much as they are proud of what I achieved, I am so proud of who they are and with their pleasing personality.

Most of all, they educated me about the realities of life (that can never be read and learned in those thick Calculus books) which happens to be faith, hope and charity. They taught me about what it really takes to be a human: to love without any conditions... to talk with pure intentions… to give without reasons… to care without any expectations and to pray without pretentions.

Thank you my dearest friends! Really, I cannot afford to lose anyone of you!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

If someone loves you, won’t they always do?

There must be millions of questions in my mind right now and majority of those are the questions I am dying to hear the answers. Some things are better left unsaid and because curiosity killed the cat, I must be better off silent but today and in this post, I’ll be unleashing some of the questions that clog my mind. It’s already congested and I have to drain it out. I don't want to punish myself thinking these things alone (and so I am punishing you. May these questions bug you up to your dreams. Just kidding)

If someone loves you, won’t they always do? It sucks that I have been a witness of different marriage ceremonies where couples had the time of their life and exchanged sweet vows to each other. If you will look at them, it seems that Cinderella has finally found her prince charming and as a crazy little teenager, it makes me dream about my own wedding too with my own beautiful bouquet and elegant entourage. It makes me dream and excited about my walking down the isle with my white and long wedding gown while Mr. Right waits for me in front of the altar. It’s every little girl’s dream. Later on, while I was busy listening to sad music and emoting about my own unsuccessful love story, I will hear the heart-breaking news that after they had their children and own house and car, they are already separated. How can something so sweet be so bitter and broken at the end? How can something so perfect be impaired? I do believe that if somebody loved you truthfully in the past, there will still be that love no matter how long the time took and no matter how hard the person tries to deny it. When you love someone, it means that there is this something in your significant other that you see clearly and makes you fall each time. After quite some time after the painful separation, that something remains in him/her and so you still have that reason to fall and be crazy in love again. I also do believe that love can grow lesser and that happens if love is not brought back. It can grow lesser but it’ll always be present and so it rocks my brain whenever I think about my question (If someone loves you, won’t they always do?). They also say that there is no such thing as moving on. You just learn to live life without him or her and not TO NOT love him or her. In a way, I still have this little faith in this because people may appear okay when it comes to their own personal love life until the point that they see their ex and they will have to convince their selves again that they already have moved on, that they return to that same land of agony. For me, it’s a simple cycle when we sometimes reach our peak and thought that we already have moved on only to see our biggest heart ache happy with somebody else and it’s like scratching the scar again.

But hey, I must not be thinking about this. Yeah right. I am beginning to be Little Miss Full of Questions again.

This is just a question. I told you, I have millions that rattles my skull. For now, this is enough. The others are reserved for my next posts.


Feel free to answer my question. It will surely be appreciated and it will surely help. (wink)

My January 2008

…and I still find myself astonished faced with the fact that in eleven days, it will be 365 days since I opened the year 2008. I was under the canopy of fireworks, spectacularly admiring the beauty of life once more and the moment I woke up? I was back to school, 4th year high school, getting pretty ready for the upcoming graduation, dancing with my fancy Singkil costume and eyeing strangers whom I later know as new Korean friends.

There were couple of points that I still remember clearly for my January 2008. It was that time when there came exchange Korean students in our school and being so much involved in associations, I was always with those Koreans. I entertain those new friends by exposing them to the rich and colorful Filipino culture, even reminisced my childhood through playing with them and making them savor the unique and sumptuous Filipino kitchen. I must admit that they made such impact in my life. Maybe it lies on their little eyes and large efforts to speak in English or maybe on their love for soccer and Korean spicy noodles. I actually don’t know. In fact, the moment that I realized that they won’t be staying forever, I convinced myself that people really come and go. I must also admit that they were the people whom I got really closed with for the least possible time. They just stayed in the Philippines for 40 days. I didn’t wish that they will be staying forever. What I was simply wishing is that they will be staying a little longer but they didn’t. They were exchange students and though they also enjoyed they stay here, they have to return back to their life where noodles are spicy and where people’s eyes are not round and black. They already had a life even before they flew to the Philippines and it's not reasonable that they are staying because (just because) of me.

I made myself ready. I mean, I knew that they are leaving soon and though I practice how I’ll be saying my goodbye and see you again, I wasn’t able to stop my tears. It’s sad that we may not see each other again, that fate is really mischievous because she allowed us to meet only to part soon. She allowed happy memories only to fade soon. Right now, I can still remember their goodbye’s verbatim and how they left our school and turned their backs away from me and from my other classmates. I can still remember how those masculine Korean showered into tears because of hearing “I will miss you”. From that point in time, I realized that some good things just don’t last, that you have to open your heart to new people but be ready to let them go. After that day, I felt like half of me was stolen, that for the longest time, incompleteness runs in my veins again. I was like that for a week or two, not in myself. I was still reminiscing the good times, thinking that for it to happen again, I need to sleep and dream and never wake up. I was sad but not depressed. I was living my life but I felt so incomplete. I wanted to fly to Korea at that time but then, a special letter came. It’s a notice of admission to the university I craved for and dreamt about. “Now it was coming true,” I told myself… and after that, my life went back to normal again. I was doing the things with enthusiasm again. It’s not that I don’t remember my Korean friends anymore. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that I cannot afford to live the rest of my life thinking only about them and the thought that they left. It’s given but I chose to hide it in my closet and emote once in a while, only once in a while. After all, it was just January 2008, just the start of the year. I still got eleven months to go.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Sweet Little Dear Diary

If diary entries are just money, then I’ll surely be richer than Bill Gates. As a young girl, I started my diary with sweet little “Dear Diary” and ending it up with “Love lots, AJ” and “until tomorrow, dear diary”. I buy diaries with padlocks and keys and fragrant blue, yellow and pink pages. I don’t want anyone to read them, not even my mom, not even my best friend. It was a thing of beauty for myself alone. Those diaries contain what my enemies did and how my monster teacher embarrassed me in front of my crushes and other parents. I would write about my wounded knees and legs I got from running in the old unpaved road and about my happiness while playing in the swing. It was my life back then, nothing more and nothing less. Little by little, my diary contained about the exact transition I’ve been undergoing. First it was my wounded knees and legs but as time fluttered by, it was my wounded heart and bruised ego. I would complain about my being imperfect and would get really sad whenever my crush doesn’t have a crush on me. I would write about the pressure I have in school and the dancing activities that I engage in. I would become jealous and complain about the “…and they lived happily ever after” line I thought was very easy to achieve. I thought I can be my own Cinderella that easy. I never thought at that time that some good things just don’t last and I will say that fate has been a harsh teacher on me because she allowed me to have my heart broken first before teaching me my lesson. I was really shallow, like a little lady who didn’t had her candy. If I knew then what I know now, then I won’t be a living witness of life.

The madness continued when I was in high school. I was a true-blooded drama queen. I make such big deals out of small things that should already be forgotten. I write everything that makes me upset. I write about the lessons I learned from the people who have touched my life and lead me to the pedestal where I am now and about the depressions I encounter after finding out that my suitor is courting another lady. I learned and write about staying, or should I say appearing happy when I see the biggest heart ache of my life wearing that look which says that he saw my friendster account and saw that my life has been a lot better since he left. My diary contained about the realizations I had that life is not a piece of cake. It’s never easy and was never fair but life loves the person who dares to live it. I would say that seventeen years of my existence is not that long enough for me to experience every bit of tragedy and victory that life has to offer. There are still a lot of things laid out on my future. My mom and dad and everyone else has been here and has done what I am currently doing but I can proudly say that for the past seventeen years, I have learned the lessons I need for my tomorrow… for my beautiful tomorrow. For the past seventeen years, I experienced to be extremely hailed and also to be extremely buried. Those were the points that made my life very interesting in my own way. I do believe that I learned what I need to learn, that every time something happens and I was able to overcome it, I become wiser than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I can say that if ever I made a lot of mistakes yesterday, still I was able to make things right again today. Right now, I still start my diary entry with little “Dear Diary” but the difference is that it doesn’t sound as sweet as it used to be because the person who writes it today has other world aside from chocolates and candies. The person who writes it today is the same person who wrote that before but then again, she has changed a lot and was able to acknowledge that maturity is vital in making decisions. The person who writes it today has more experiences and lessons learned. Her “Dear Diary” now comes with the voice that knows about her shortcomings from the past and is sure that tomorrow is full of uncertainties yet accepts it readily.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

2008 Chapter 1

Finally, I am envisioning the end of the year. Somehow, I am now feeling that the Christmas season is a week from now and after a week, 2009 is coming. Maybe because it is my vacation and idle times allow me to discover something in my self. This year is different. For the first time, I felt that the coming year is not a beginning and not an ending, as well. It’s not a prologue and not a finale. For me, this is just a chapter in my life with new characters and experiences. This marks new opportunities but not an eye-opener or any of the like. Last year, I remember clearly that I made a lot of resolutions, never realizing that I can always correct my wrongdoings anytime. For this year, I have been always reminiscing about what happened and what I’ve learned. It’s very vital. I mean, my past years will be nothing but garbage if I just passed on it and did not pick up those things that will give me a better outlook for tomorrow. Today I am slightly looking backwards.

What I’ve learned the most? Amidst the adversity, just smile. It actually helps you to recover faster from what happened. It makes you increase the confidence you have in yourself and somehow assures you that everything will simply end up alright. It heals all wounds no matter how deep it may seem. It makes people wonder what you are up to. It makes them fall for you. It’s quite amazing that a single smile lifts spirits up and the best part about my year 2008 is that despite of all the experiences I underwent, I still ended up smiling. I may have extremely bad days and oh-I-like-him-but-I-get-dumped days but the bottom line is that after the day is over, everyone forgets about your shortcomings and the embarrassments that you gain and no one actually cares if you’re miserable so you better smile. I may have cried endlessly and prolonged my agony in dealing with the problems I encountered but still, the smiling started my healing.

I realized that people can never wound your ego unless you allow them to. There is always an option and to say that we got no choice is an understatement. We always have it no matter how hard the situation seems to be. If we don’t care for others then we don’t actually care to what they say. It doesn’t matter and so we will never find ourselves hurt whenever they say or do something against us. When we find ourselves hurt because of others, then we chose to remain in that condition. We chose to pay attention and care. It is still called and considered as "choice".

Breathe. My 2008 is full of series of ups and downs and I do believe that being a negative type of person, I tend to spend more notice in those down moments. I am a girl and I usually make such a big deal out of petty frustrations. I realized that the only thing I can do whenever dissatisfaction sinks in is to breathe and to convince myself that it’ll be fine and that I have to appear fine in front of the people who cannot see me go crazy. I realized that breathing is very important and I am bringing it with me in my 2009.

I can, again, go on with my list but then, I suppose that these are the things that made and changed me to be the standing person I am right now. As they usually say, changes are the only permanent thing in this world but I also believe that these changes are put to empower our personalities, that it is to make and not to break us. No hard feelings towards 2008. It surely is a great year, full of unexpected twists and turns and made me grow a lot as a person. I guess, the bitterness faded already and so I am very much ready to welcome my 2009 with love in my heart.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Beginning

Today marks the official start of my Christmas vacation. I planned this out. I mean, the things that I am planning to do are already laid out. I guess, I simply learned a lot from the semestral break. It was during those times when I felt like I was really bored. I never wanted to be that idle again. I cannot tolerate those passing days with me just sitting and watching the television. This, Christmas vacation, I am planning to make my two weeks of break somehow productive. I want to make the most out of this.

Justify FullToday is December 18, 2008 and according to my planner, I am to make a post about the vacation that lies ahead. According to my planner to, I am supposed to write about the fun I experienced for the last three days. Last Monday, I watch a play of the faculty of our school and really laughed my heart out. Last Tuesday, I took care of a very special person in my life. I do acknowledge that that might be our last meeting for the year 2008. I am not bitter. I am appreciative that all the memories he left me are all great and unforgettable. I will be holding all those within my heart for the next few weeks. Yesterday, which happens to be Wednesday, I spent the day with a brother whom I missed a lot. We were schoolmates during high school. And since college stage came, we have no choice but to find company other than the two of us. We watched lantern parade which is really great and magnificent and spent some time using up our energy running and sitting and just standing and talking about what happened to our lives during the moments that we were so busy and we were not able to check out on each other. It is still nice to know that nothing has changed, that we were still the close friends who treat each other as siblings. It’s so nice to know that some special people don’t change even if time changes the situation. It’s so nice to know that even if they change their lifestyle, they remain as the same loved person they used to be.

I am quite excited for my next days. I am still not bored, a real good thing. (and maybe because this is just the beginning) Somehow, I can still feel his company so there are no days of lunacy yet. I am hoping that those days won’t come. I don’t want to be desperate again. A tablespoon of missing someone is enough. I don’t want to lose and ruin myself again. I am supposed to handle every emotion that I have. It’s not part of my planner. It always says I should do something productive like watch a lot of movies, blog about my 2008, play badminton or swim in the icy pool, edit photos, help my mom with household chores, prepare a fruit salad for Christmas, read a book or two, read Philosophical essays, analyze Math and devote some time for those friends which miss me a lot. I told you, I put things to accomplish for this Christmas break. I just really hope that I will be obedient enough to follow what I laid out for myself. After all, it's for me.

Welcome Christmas break. Soothe me with your atmosphere. Bring it on!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Little Miss Independent Part Two

Today was my Little Miss Independent Day Part Two. It did feel so great again, much greater than the part one. I did not plan it. I mean, I had that thought of doing it but then I opened my eyes and saw that I pursued my plans.

I was just planning and day-dreaming to pamper myself this day when I saw myself entering the salon. I cannot go back anymore. It was too late. I already entered the salon and the crews are starting to treat me as their V.I.P. It was as if my feet have a mind of its own that it doesn’t listen to my commands. I just thought that after series of Math subject which drained all of me, I deserve some sweet care for myself. This year was a tough one and before I end it, I want to stamp something in my life. I was planning to have some foot spa. I actually did. It was my Christmas gift to myself that after I walked a lot, it’s my feet’s turn to be scrubbed and massaged. It truly deserves some attention because I abused its capabilities. I walked even though I can ride a jeepney. I did not mind my feet’s grumbles. I walked in that muddy road, exposing my feet and slippers to the pollution of the surrounding. I think I truly deserve it. After semi-lying in that comfy chair while the salon woman was busy returning back the glow of my feet, they offered me a hair treatment. I was hesitant. I mean, it happened so many times before and it resulted in a disaster, a very bad one perhaps. I regretted it so much and promised myself that never will I trust any hairstylist again, not until today. In my mind was the thought that today might be different, that this must be the point when all the disasters are going to repay me a sweet look, that today will be okay. I just have to trust… and that’s quite difficult. That is quite a thing.

Anyhow, I said yes. I spent some time re-borning my hair. I mean, it died. I grieved and finally, it’s now resurrecting from the dead. I was excited. Maybe because I felt that it’ll be great, that it’ll be looking good in me, that it’ll be somehow better that it’s used to be. While they were busy with each strand of my hair, I felt independence again. My mom did not know that I was planning to pamper myself. I did not know it either. I thought that I can not ask her permission about that thing, that I have my own mature mind which shall decide what’s good for me. I know that she won’t be angry if she found out where I did spend my money (and sure, she didn’t. She was so happy in fact). She said that it was the time of my life, that I deserve more than what I did. I also thought that my friends will be quite surprised but I am the master of my life, that I did not need to hear a boyfriend’s approval for me to go on with my plans. I can decide for myself. I am not dependent to people’s opinions. I am Little Miss Independent.

There is so much about hair and foot spa. It’s actually the thought that you are doing it for yourself and not for anybody else. It’s a reward, a very good one and will help you feel that fortune you have in being a woman. There is much more than the combs and the organic chemicals they put in your hair. There is so much beyond that salon. It’s always the thought. After all, a little grain of selfishness and compulsiveness in pampering one’s self won’t kill.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Lemonade Award

...and the Lemonade Award goes to me! I was tagged! Thank you to saveyoursoul for passing on this award to me. That is surely enough motivation to write more and more (and more).

Here are the rules:
  1. Put the logo on your blog or post. (I just did.)
  2. Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude! (Hey, it's at the bottom of this post. Check it out a bit later.)
  3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post. (Sure. I will.)
  4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. (Okay.)
  5. Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award. (Her link is actually at the top... but in case you were not able to see it, it's saveyoursoul.
  6. The bloggers listed below are truly deserving of the Lemonade Award for having a great attitude. They have become dear blogging friends and inspirations! (Of course they do. They wouldn't have their links here in my blog if they don't. WINK.

As rule number 2 says it all, these are the ten blogs you should be checking out right now because they truly and certainly deserve this kind of award (drum rolls):



The Rambler

The Me/ The Wife/ The Mom


Wonderous Curiousity

Miss Milk

Antwanyce Richardson

Michele Hauf

B Luis Grey

Congratulations to these people. I really believe that you deserve the award I've given you. Pass it on! :)

Friday, December 12, 2008

It's About Me

Four facts about me. These facts are vital to my well-being and what dominates my life and emotion at the moment. There are other facts about me but this four are the things you have to know about me… so that you will understand why I post this way, why I sometimes get mad and sad and why I jump for joy most of the times.

  1. I am undoubtedly bored with Math. There were posts in this blog in which I confessed, with all my heart that I am not interested with Math anymore. I really mean it. I am actually finding it hard to explain to everyone that I am not exaggerating, that I really dislike the subject and I feel like I am stuck but they will tell me that I can still handle those. How could they? I don’t usually quit into something. Ever since I was young (which I am until now), I am trained to not give up, to not leave anything I’ve started but really, I cannot afford to lose myself each time I listen to my professor who educates us about numbers and limits. I should care for myself. Call me selfish but it is really difficult to push me into something I don’t like to do. I am the type of person who seeks for pleasure in everything I do. I may still be staying on the course but I am not anymore happy with it.
  2. I am addicted with my blog. I am hooked up. I cannot avoid it. I mean, each time I am idle, each time I feel bored in school, I escape into writing, even though I don’t have something sensible to say. I do it most of the time, like it was necessary for my well-being., like I cannot live a day without it. I get overjoyed whenever I receive comments in my post. I get very thankful whenever there is a new follower. I want to write about everything: my toes, my hands, how my day was, street lights, what the professor has just said, the laughter of my classmates, the sweetness of the chocolate, everything. I want to write about everything I see, feel and hear and eventually post it in my blog.
  3. I do believe that Manny Pacquiao made a very good fight with Oscar dela Hoya. I am not his avid fan but after watching his fight, I was totally amazed. I felt proud to be a Filipino. It was as if I was Manny’s child because I am so much proud with him. I believe that he trained hard and so he did it well. He made the Golden Boy surrendered. I jumped when he was announced as the winner. I thank God with him and I do believe that Manny improved a lot since his first steps toward boxing. It’s not the physical capabilities. It’s actually the thought that he still kept his feet on the ground despite of the many things he can actually brag about.
  4. I am madly and absolutely in love with him. No, not Edward Cullen. I mean, I appreciate his sweetness, such a perfect boyfriend but I am in love with someone real, someone who made me fall this deep, that there is no turning back at my point, that the only choice is between I love him or I love him more, someone whose sweetness makes me smile even if I am alone, someone who can make me laugh whenever I refuse to smile, someone who brightens up my day whenever frustrations arrive, someone who gets jealous sometimes in order to make me feel that he is threatened about losing me, someone who does everything in order to make me happy yet all the while, simply seeing him makes me truly happy already. No doubt, I am irrevocably and definitely in love with him.