When I attended the first class of that subject, it shocked me as the same manner that it made me scared about failing it. Failing the subject means failing me and failing my parents, too. I can always fail myself but my parents? No. Honestly, I cannot fall short all their expectations. So I attended every Math 60 meeting, feeling all the pressure in my veins. Candidly, the course was just my second choice in my application form and is just my third choice in life. Eventually, I wake up each day convincing myself that I did not become a Math major for no reason and day by day I try to seek for that hidden reason. I found nothing except the simple and irritating fact that I am a Math major because I was not able to meet the quota for my first choice course (which happens to be Business Administration and Accountancy). Still I find myself lucky to be able to study in UP so I pursued and listened to my brain more than my heart.
It was not an easy journey for me. I guess, it’s really difficult to study something which you don’t feel like studying especially when I failed my first long exam. I was like stuck the moment I received my paper. I thought the examination was easy so I was really surprised that I did not pass it. I become more scared after it, like there are five more exams and five more moments that I’ll be feeling really, really down. I wanted to ask my classmates whether they pass but I was also quite scared and embarrassed that they might return the question back to me and I’ll shrink to where I was directly standing. Back when I was high school, I did not had any failing grade and so to fail Math in my first year, first semester and first exam is like losing the world. Second exam, I did not check my grade out because I am not ready for another very uncomfortable moment for me, but I accidentally saw my grade while I was busy arranging my things. So I passed and I cannot believe it. That very instant, I was able to bring back all the self-esteem that I just lost from the first exam. I passed my midterms, too, making me quite relieved and relax. I thought that I just failed my first long exam because I wasn’t well-adjusted with college tests and it was my first time. I was actually expecting that the rest will be fine when the result of my third long exam was given. Mind you, it was the lowest I received for seventeen years. I failed. I really did. And I had my crazy what-if’s back then, like what if I never pass Math 60 and every semester, my professor sees me on his class. It shall repeat until I am like thirty years old, my professor is like sixty and my classmates are sixteen or seventeen then they’ll be bidding me goodbye as they go out of the room and me left there, trying to comprehend trigonometry. I lost my self-esteem again and it actually slapped me that I wasn’t doing my best. I am not giving all of me but I should because my career lies mainly on how I lived college. I reviewed for my fourth exam and final test. For those moments, I felt like I was being left. In that short span of time, I developed friendship with my classmates and it gives me the worries that they’ll all be together in Math 63 and I will be left in Math 60 if I did not pass my two remaining examinations. I thought about them while taking my exam, particularly him, that if I pass that, it’s like a passport that will take me wherever he will be.
So I passed it… Math 60. And it’s actually not “braggable” because I just passed it. You know, just passed. Period. There is no more passed with flying colors or passed with good grades. Just passed. And it’s enough for me. It’s exactly what I prayed. The moment I saw my grade it’s like shouting, “Hey, congratulations! You passed me despite of all your crazy ideas. You passed me and you’ll be seeing him again for next sem.” I Love it. I love the fact that though I did not study Math whole-heartedly, I passed it. I did it even though I spent a couple of meetings just day dreaming about my crush and not listening to my professor at all. Despite of my what-if’s and could-have-been’s, I still passed it and actually, I don’t care if my grades are low, lower than you’ll ever know. What matters most for me is that I did not fail myself, my parents and those friends who prayed that they’ll be seeing me again in Math 63.