Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Hope So

OCTOBER 13, 2008
3:58 PM

People come and go… but some leave marks of undying memories. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just this weird fear. Maybe I am wrong. I hope so. Since Thursday last week, I’ve been counting the hours until Monday. I told myself that today will be the day that my “missing someone’s presence” will be eased. I thought so then I was proven wrong.

Lately, I’ve been more concern about the future. You know, what lies ahead. Sort of things that answers what’s equipped with tomorrow and in my solitude, I realized that surely, faces that have been surrounding me for the past five months will never be the same faces that will be with me for the next five months. A semester break, right… and after the semi-vacation, I’ll be back to being the same stranger or just another familiar face whose name is forgotten. I’m afraid but quite scared to admit. I’m afraid that the person who have been very close to me will just be another acquaintance and though I still have my fears bugging me day and night, I am standing in front of that reality, pretending to be strong although it really kills me inside. Sometimes, I feel like I am just three years old and there’s a part of me that wants to scream and cry at the top of my voice. It seems like my rainbow-colored lollipop has been stolen when I am about to eat it. I know. This is not the ideal something to be depressed on. If you will be closely thinking, it’s true that it’s not a problem after all and I’m making such a big deal out of it. I don’t know. It’s weird and I, myself, find this very funny.

Today is Monday and I am not sure if this is really what I’ve been waiting for since Thursday. When I opened my eyes this morning, I knew that this will be happening. Today is the day that I might last see him. There is this big damn chance that this is it, whether I like it or not. I am never in control. I never wanted to appear weak and feeble in front of him and so I went to school with my mask. I know that no one can notice. I was best actress ever since. I don’t know what to say if ever we will have a conversation. I don’t know if I will even mention that this might be the last. I don’t know how to tell him “goodbye” while we know deep within us that after this day, it might never be the same. Maybe I’ll do my best to make him happy so that after this day, there is a perfectly valid reason to continue the friendship and both of us will make ways to find another borrowed time.

And I guess that’s it. Funny that there were just seconds of hi and hello and where is our room. It’s funnier that it seemed like new acquaintances that just enunciate words in order to break the silence. You know, just to say something even if it’s senseless. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong and I hope so. I guess, after hearing many goodbyes, his was the most hurtful because I never heard it. It just showed and it’s more hurtful because I saw him very uneasy just like a very emotional person who any time from now will be showering into tears. I don’t know and I did not have any chance to ask and so this is what makes me regretful. Maybe if I just asked, I’ll know because he’ll explain and that will lead to a conversation of forever, something that will eliminate all those painful part ways.


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