Friday, October 10, 2008

This is It

Finally, I am a step closer from a dream. Oops. Maybe ambition is a whole lot better term. Last night, a friend of mine, way back in high school, sent me a message inviting me to be one of the writers for a literary book. I was surprised. I did not expect that while I am doing my usual checking of my e-mail, a message popped which seems asking me if I would want to achieve my "lost" dream. Without even thinking, I saw myself typing "yes".

I wanted to withdraw. No, not directly withdraw my affirmation. I just thought that I immediately said yes without even thinking. I mean, I am a college student- a frustrated college student and all of those other participants are still in high school. I was just afraid that being the eldest in the group (not really obvious when it terms to physical attributes. Ha-ha! a joke...) and having all these obligations as a college student, I may not have the quality time that they need. I thought... and I remembered seeing a twilight-colored tarpaulin in my university. It says, "Hush! Listen to your desires." and I followed what it says just as how a kindergarten student obediently follows her terror teacher. I closed my eyes and amidst the silence, my neighbor screamed. She disturbed me but nevertheless, I was pretty sure that to write is what I really wanted from the start. I reflected and realized that most of the times while I am so busy solving triangles, scribbling numbers and rotating axes of a cardioid in an Argand plane (Oh. My apologies to non-Math majors.), at the back of my mind, I deeply dream of being a writer. I want to sit back, get a pad of rainbow-colored paper, push the pen and start writing something. When I opened my eyes, instantly, I knew what to do.

I did not withdraw my affirmation. I affirmed it more by giving my friend some more suggestions and ways to contact me. In the first place, why will I hinder myself from my contentment? It's funny that I am more fulfilled whenever I am writing something lousy and non-sense than solving word problems which happens to be challenging. It's funnier that it happens to me. I don't know. I immediately felt my blood rushing upon hearing that we will be publishing a book. A book? Yes. A book. You know, something which has many pages compiled and written by someone who really knows how. A book, certainly... and I haven't been that excited over the past few months. I am not expecting to be someone like Shakespeare, not even a Jose Rizal or Jessica Zafra. I don't dream to be someone who is well-known to all and sundry because that is where the pressure and obligations starts. I just wish to be someone who writes whenever she wants to and tell the world what kind of crap is going on with her brain.

I am also quite afraid. I do not know. I have this feeling that when I tell others about this, especially those people who celebrated when I told them that I'll be taking up the course BS Mathematics, I might be hearing discouragements. Right, discouragements again. The same discouragements why at the moment, I am surrounding myself with nauseating numbers. The same discouragements that made me engage into something they told that I'll be happy with. So enough with those who mind other people's business. Maybe I'll just show them "the book" after it is published. In that way, they can never discourage me again because I've proven them wrong.

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