Saturday, November 01, 2008

After All

Hey, I am back (as promised) and here, finally decided that I’ll provide some limited chronicles about love encounters. As much as possible, I am trying to make every single post in this blog a fun read but I suppose a touch of heart break and melodrama will make a perfect twist. For weeks, I’ve been laughing about the simple fact that people yearn for their holy privacy so much that they don’t tell all of their friends their dilemmas but choose to blog about their deepest secrets for everyone to see and comment upon. I guess it’s part of life’s infinite paradoxes.

Talking about him, the man I loved the most (the verb is in past tense) and the man I cried for the most. The story we had is just the same as the others. It was simple. It was very usual, the kind that you will always hear in girls’ washroom. It’s that we loved each other but then again, destiny calls for part ways and we have no choice or should I say, I had no choice but to accept. I woke up one day and realize that it’s not anymore the same, that it’s like I love him and I don’t receive the love back. He loves another one who doesn’t even notice him and for the reason behind how did it happened, I don’t know. What I managed to know is that the love he has for me is just nowhere to be found. It's gone.

We parted our ways but deep inside, I had that hope that someday, somehow, destiny will call for a come back. I hoped and prayed every night. I waited for a year, one orbit of our planet around the sun, one cruel summer and one melancholic rainy season and after those painful waiting for no one, eventually, I forgot the reason why I am waiting. Maybe because after a year of stalking him, I just get hurt each time he tries to get rid of me. I just get hurt whenever I hear all those love songs in the radio. I cannot afford to be in solitude always. I missed happiness. I missed how I used to be cheerful. I wanted to hold on and continue pretending that there is still that chance of him coming back to me after all. But one day, I woke up and realized that I am tired of being the last thing on his mind and so I have decided to move on (at last). When my friends knew my decision, they threw a party.

It’s been better for me that I finally let him go. I saw the beauty of life again. It’s like before, I will wake up each day feeling my every pulse and then counting the seconds that we have been away. We call each other friends though ‘friends’ is the term used for people who understands, helps and loves each other in their own special and caring ways. In the other hand, ‘friends’ is also the term used to refer to people who had once loved each other but resulted into separation. You know, just the safe term. I knew that we are ‘friends’ in the second point of view but I cared not. It’s because it’s done. It’s closed book and I will just remember him as just another heart break who taught me so much about love and life. Still, I owe him a lot.

He texted me a while ago, asking me if I was already on the cemetery where we usually go and hang out (because it’s really peaceful there) and surprisingly, his number was not on my phonebook (apparently, he has two sim cards and he used the other one which is not anymore saved in my mobile phone) but the moment I saw the number and the text message, I knew instantly who he is. I realized that (after two years of not hearing anything from each other) I still memorize his number by heart. It's like my name. I did not know his intentions at first, like maybe he’s asking me so that he can avoid my presence or he is asking to ask me out. I don’t know but it seems very normal. And after I arrived at the cemetery, he asked me to hang out with him, you know, friendly conversations and just checking out how our lives went out. It’s nice to know that somehow, he is not that eager to get me off his life and it’s surprising that things are not that complicated as they were used to be. I am happy a while ago and today, not because I am still hoping for that chance but because I realized that we are ‘friends’ in reality and not just in terms. We may not ended up together but I know that he is just there, ready to help me when everybody else fails.

I know that after all those we had experienced and felt, there is that little bond between us that we care quietly, it might not show and we may not inform each other about that but we do. After all, after the bitterness and the heart aches faded, he’s not just another heart break but instead, he is a great teacher and a friend.

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