I want to write a poem (and don’t tell me that I can always write one in any given time or place. It just so happen that I have my own rules or justifications whenever I write one). The last poem I remember writing is entitled Innamorarsi, an Italian word meaning falling in love. It was January 2008 and right, it’s about love. It’s the usual love poem of a high school girl who had loved and lost and cried and so she wrote. It was the usual heart-breaking, tear-jerking, huhu-making poem. Err!
Actually, Innamorarsi isn’t about me. I mean, yes, I was the writer of that poem but then again, it was sadder than I was. I put into it too many exaggerations. It wasn’t exactly the emotions I felt. It was already an altered product, a manipulated write-up. I am not regretful at this moment because although it doesn’t contain my exact feelings, it was praised and admired. So I was contented (and not to mention that the person whom I dedicated that poem was guilty and miserable after hearing my poem. Ha-ha!)
For me to be able to come up with a poem, I need several things. First, I need an inspiration. It may not be a person. It may be a situation, a present living situation worth writing about. It may be a frustration or a depression and seldom do I write about happy moments. I don’t know why. For me, I write poems whenever I am sad and I write essays or journals whenever I am not. Second, I need a lot of improvement in my vocabulary. I feel like I am totally abusing the words which I have been using all over again for years. I think I need some synonyms. Whenever I learn new words with great spelling and meaning (and not to mention those words which are quite hard to pronounce), I am always excited to use them. They instantly come out of my mouth during casual conversations. As for now, I don’t have one. Third, I need an urge. I am always lazy. Really. In my life, I have an infinite list of things to do but I don’t focus at them because I am lazy. There is always an easy choice between action and in action. As they say, it’s better to be lazy than to be tired. I need something like a threat from an English teacher that if I don’t write a poem, I won’t be making good grades and won't be graduating and won’t be making a good job and won’t be making a nice and happy family and therefore won’t have my dreams come true just because I did not write a poem. I need something like that and in my present case, I repeat, I don’t have one (except perhaps, my alter ego who has all the energy to do everything that my imagination provides me). Fourth, I need a scary deadline. You know, something to make me working and writing, something that can eliminate my desire to always procrastinate, something that can make me start today and not later or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, something which will make my hair rise whenever I think about it. I have a list of things to write about, but the problem is that I don’t have a deadline. I don’t have a strict boss who will insult my personhood if I did not make it on time. Fifth and last, I need to be really hurt. I don’t know. It is in those moments that I can always write a poem, a good one, perhaps. To be able to make a poem, I have to have my heart broken first for some time and it is actually good that words instantly guides my hand whenever my soul is really down. Effortless, just comes out naturally, like water falling from the dark clouds.
I want to write a poem because I miss doing one. I miss the sweet (and bitter) sound of poems they make whenever delivered verbatim and with enough intense feeling. I want to write a poem, just something to check if ever I did improve or my skills are already rusted. I want to write a poem, for a change, and for some sort of satisfaction.