I am fed up at the moment. I am exhausted. Seriously. I don’t know why I am still typing and making a blog post when all the while, I don’t have the energy and the idea to make this one fun. I am too exhausted to type, I guess. I must be in my bed, dreaming about good things.
For this day, I tried my best to be the responsible student I am always supposed to be. I tried. I reviewed my Math subject. For this semester, it was Calculus. For heaven’s sake, it was Calculus, any system of computation or analysis by a specialized algebraic notation. It may sound like okay. It may sound safe but the truth is that it’s fatal. It can kill. It's worse than poison, even worse that what you've watched in the movie Saw. It can make you lose your sanity. Really.
It isn’t my hobby and like to spend my whole day frustrating myself with numbers and limits. I never wanted that to happen, until yesterday that I realized that my future, at some point, relies on Math. Whether I like it or not, I have to be serious about the subject. I have to put my heart on it, if in case, it isn't there. I have to deal with it everyday of my life (no, not exactly everyday of my life but just everyday of my university life). So I am there. I’ve already reached that point. Although the thought of limits and asymptotes makes my nose bleed and head ache, I chose to deal with Math today, to spend most of my hours analyzing and facing everything that I escaped during the past weeks.
I opened my notebook and though the vision of black ink on green graphing notebook made me sigh, I filled my mind with thoughts about my desperate need to pass the subject. (Hey, I am taking my first examination on Wednesday and I believe that if I fail this one, I’ll lose some of my confidence again. It will take me some time and full efforts to gain back what I’ve lost.) Despite the fact that I wrote very legibly in my Math notebook, symbols, equations and notations seemed like ancient alphabet for me that I just don’t understand. Math isn’t my alphabet. Math isn’t my language. I grumbled. If Math is the only food available on Earth, I'd rather die starving. I texted my friends and said everything I need to say, just to let them know the reason if I happened to be totally insane if they see me. I thought about my parents, the main reason why I am pursuing my Math career although I almost lose myself here. I opened my laptop immediately, realizing that grumbling won’t take me anywhere. It will just make me upset more. I searched the Internet. I searched for tutorials, for problems, for solutions, for anything that can at least help me with my frustrations. I found some. I spent my day searching for Calculus problems, clicking the link, copying the problem on a clean sheet of paper, solving for it by myself, wiping beads of perspiration in my forehead and smiling little by little as I realize that my answer is the same as the answer in the website. (God bless those people who powered those very helpful sites).
…and now, I am here, feeling the pain and pressure in my nape down to my back. I am still unstable about passing the exam and passing the subject. It has always been one of my fears (and take note, it's always on the top three) but I am more comfortable now. Somehow, I can say that I did almost everything. Somehow, I can say that I put in more than enough effort in torturing myself with Calculus problems and concepts and so if ever I fail the exam, it’s called limitation. It’s called incapability. I failed it with effort and willingness. If it will happen (knock on wood), it’s because it isn’t for me… and that’s a valid argument I am putting.