When I was in pre-school, I practice writing my name in that blue-red-blue paper, not yet searching who I really am. What I know is my parent’s name, where I came from and my age. Those were enough at that time. When I was in elementary, I claimed that I love English. It was also that time when I started making plans for me, like what I want to be when I grow up. What I know about myself that time is my birthday, my address, my hobbies, my ambitions and my crush. When I was in high school, I claimed my love for Mathematics. What I know that time is the magical feeling of falling into someone and the painful emotion of moving on. That time, I realized how to be upset, be busy, be tired, be jealous and be hopeless. That time, I opened my eyes not just to ambitions but to dreams, too.
Now that I am in college, I am expecting that I’ll fully understand my ego but I didn’t get what I expected. Right now, I am claiming my love for English and writing, and I care not if my course is BS Mathematics. I still memorize my name but I guess, I forgot who I am, making other people know me more than how I truly understand myself. I claim my happy emotions. I am never scared to tell other people that I am happy and glad, which most of the times, I am. It’s the only feeling that I acknowledge and the rest is unknown to me. There are happenings which made me jealous but quite scared to admit even to myself so I usually result in making myself occupied, appear unaffected and convincing everyone that I am “okay”. It’s actually easy but the hardest part lies on convincing myself that I am really “okay”. I believe that what makes me jealous is the fear of losing someone I don’t own yet. I have to be really careful on what to feel because not all emotions are entitled to me. I have my limitations. I know, and to be jealous is one of those. To express everything I feel exactly is one great challenge for someone like me who never wanted others to know that I have my insecurities and covetousness. I don’t believe in myself that much. I always draw the line, like this is just where I should stay and this is just what I should feel. Maybe less but never more. I want to be contented, never worry about what and who I have right now and put all of my trust to fate but how can I possibly do that when fate had already disappointed me before? That goddess must be refrained from doing something that shall make me fear more.
Maybe someday, I’ll finally have the guts to tell others how I feel accurately and make them do certain adjustments so that I’ll fear and be jealous less than how I unintentionally do today. I must seek their help so that it’ll hurt me less. By that time, I must have the guts to admit to myself that I am still not the person I want me to be, that I still have to improve a lot and that I still need to manage all of my way of thinking and way of feeling. Maybe that time, I’ll memorize my emotions and know how to deal with them. Maybe that time, I won’t pretend to be busy at all and face that somehow, I’m jealous about her and I am scared that he might be happier when he is with her than when he is with me. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to get rid of the monster in me who reminds me about uncertainties and painful possibilities. Maybe someday, I’ll never have this feeling anymore because I am so much assured and guaranteed that it is and it will only be me. I hope that that someday is soon.