Sunday, November 30, 2008

When It Rains

September 16, 2008. It rained; in the gloomiest way that downpour can ever happen. It rained when he isn’t there to lend me his umbrella and make sure that I won’t be cold and wet. It rained when I thought it won’t. It rained when I prayed so hard so that the heavy and dark clouds could still hold on.

It was a Tuesday last semester and a very different from my usual happy Tuesdays. This wasn’t the case when I was celebrating life. It was a sudden shift of crazy emotions. It was a missed opportunity, something that bugged me all day long, something that caused me to be unhappy for the rest of my day.

Our Table Tennis class was done. I changed my clothes, got out of the gymnasium, looked out for him and after realizing that he is nowhere to be found, rode a jeepney to the guidance councilor. It was a twenty-minute ride and my eyes were so busy looking out for someone I am quite certain that I won’t be seeing. I was still desperate, looking for spots that will lead me to him. I decided to eat my lunch, alone while hearing all the happy laughter of the students that surround me. I minded my own business, focusing on the frozen pasta and bread, making myself convinced that it was delicious and I did not waste my money in that kind of food. I went up that scary building, still with the thoughts that I might find him there, sitting and also wishing that he will see me. I knocked then opened the door, looked around and saw no one whom my eyes would be glad to see. I asked where Mr. Oscar Gomez is and the man who looks responsible enough told me that he wasn’t around. I believed him. I went down then out of the building. I looked at my right because I know that if he is still in that large university, he’ll just be sitting there, in that spot, where the canopy of trees are protective enough for his delicate skin. I saw someone, wearing that blue shirt which rolls itself up just directly below his elbows. I blinked then looked again. I regret that I ever blinked because if I didn’t, he might still be there. I was instantly unwell. I cannot smile and make myself at ease. I cannot stop myself from thinking about him. I entered the library, just making myself busy with books and stuff. Somehow, I realized that if I am focused with something else, I won’t be that gloomy. Everything will be better but I digress. I decided to just go home. I walked, hoping that someone with voice as great as his will call my name and ask me to sit for a while, but there was none. I did not hear anything except my foot escaping reality inch by inch. I wanted to slap myself because while walking, I am seeing images of him at the side of my eyes. It was painful to see because I know that it was nothing but imagination. I was just playing with myself. Little by little, I felt beads of pearl-like water stroke my skin. I thought I was crying but nevertheless, it was the heaven which cried for me. I saw my foot, paving its way to the terminal of broken dreams despite the flood made by the rain. I wanted to reach home as soon as possible but thinking about a missed opportunity slows my motion down. I was afraid that I would stumble and fall and there will be no one to cure my bruised and wounded knee. I was careful to not hurt myself even more.

I wondered when that particular rain stopped. As far as I remember, after I reached home and got some sleep, I continued questioning myself on what’s wrong with me but I refuse to answer. Maybe because I did not find that sensible reason for me to feel that way and maybe because I wanted to be fine and happy but cannot find that motivation to be. I won’t talk. I won’t smile… and when people asked me, I just answer, “It is because it’s raining”.


Chelsea said...
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Chelsea said...

no words come to mind to express how amazing and correct your literation of days we all have felt. I look forward to reading more...:)

Cassy.Heartbroken said...

so inspiring...
you really have talent.
i like your writing style ^^

Rhaingel said...

CHELSEA: ... and no words came out of my mind to express my appreciation for a reader like you. Thank you so much! :)

Cassy.Heartbroken: Thank you so much! Welcome to my little blog! I hope that you will be coming by again some time! Thanks again. :)