Sunday, November 30, 2008

When It Rains

September 16, 2008. It rained; in the gloomiest way that downpour can ever happen. It rained when he isn’t there to lend me his umbrella and make sure that I won’t be cold and wet. It rained when I thought it won’t. It rained when I prayed so hard so that the heavy and dark clouds could still hold on.


It was a Tuesday last semester and a very different from my usual happy Tuesdays. This wasn’t the case when I was celebrating life. It was a sudden shift of crazy emotions. It was a missed opportunity, something that bugged me all day long, something that caused me to be unhappy for the rest of my day.


Our Table Tennis class was done. I changed my clothes, got out of the gymnasium, looked out for him and after realizing that he is nowhere to be found, rode a jeepney to the guidance councilor. It was a twenty-minute ride and my eyes were so busy looking out for someone I am quite certain that I won’t be seeing. I was still desperate, looking for spots that will lead me to him. I decided to eat my lunch, alone while hearing all the happy laughter of the students that surround me. I minded my own business, focusing on the frozen pasta and bread, making myself convinced that it was delicious and I did not waste my money in that kind of food. I went up that scary building, still with the thoughts that I might find him there, sitting and also wishing that he will see me. I knocked then opened the door, looked around and saw no one whom my eyes would be glad to see. I asked where Mr. Oscar Gomez is and the man who looks responsible enough told me that he wasn’t around. I believed him. I went down then out of the building. I looked at my right because I know that if he is still in that large university, he’ll just be sitting there, in that spot, where the canopy of trees are protective enough for his delicate skin. I saw someone, wearing that blue shirt which rolls itself up just directly below his elbows. I blinked then looked again. I regret that I ever blinked because if I didn’t, he might still be there. I was instantly unwell. I cannot smile and make myself at ease. I cannot stop myself from thinking about him. I entered the library, just making myself busy with books and stuff. Somehow, I realized that if I am focused with something else, I won’t be that gloomy. Everything will be better but I digress. I decided to just go home. I walked, hoping that someone with voice as great as his will call my name and ask me to sit for a while, but there was none. I did not hear anything except my foot escaping reality inch by inch. I wanted to slap myself because while walking, I am seeing images of him at the side of my eyes. It was painful to see because I know that it was nothing but imagination. I was just playing with myself. Little by little, I felt beads of pearl-like water stroke my skin. I thought I was crying but nevertheless, it was the heaven which cried for me. I saw my foot, paving its way to the terminal of broken dreams despite the flood made by the rain. I wanted to reach home as soon as possible but thinking about a missed opportunity slows my motion down. I was afraid that I would stumble and fall and there will be no one to cure my bruised and wounded knee. I was careful to not hurt myself even more.


I wondered when that particular rain stopped. As far as I remember, after I reached home and got some sleep, I continued questioning myself on what’s wrong with me but I refuse to answer. Maybe because I did not find that sensible reason for me to feel that way and maybe because I wanted to be fine and happy but cannot find that motivation to be. I won’t talk. I won’t smile… and when people asked me, I just answer, “It is because it’s raining”.

4 comments:

Chelsea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chelsea said...

no words come to mind to express how amazing and correct your literation of days we all have felt. I look forward to reading more...:)

Cassy.Heartbroken said...

so inspiring...
you really have talent.
i like your writing style ^^

Rhaingel said...

CHELSEA: ... and no words came out of my mind to express my appreciation for a reader like you. Thank you so much! :)

Cassy.Heartbroken: Thank you so much! Welcome to my little blog! I hope that you will be coming by again some time! Thanks again. :)