Friday, December 12, 2008

Behind Those Locked Doors is a Hoping Lady

…and he closed the door- My Physics professor, making me trapped inside again and glued on this chair. I must admit that I am still hoping and holding on to the possibility that he isn’t absent. I still believe that he is just late but will still come here and make my day meaningful. I hate to realize that I am still full of anticipation when all the while, I know that this anticipation is what will bring me disappointment later. I hate it more when the thought that I’ll be eating alone again comes to my mind. No one will listen to my stories which always sound so senseless. No one will hear my complains and grumbles about those things I simply don’t want to deal with. Again, I repeat, I am not sad. I guess, I am disturbed inside, appearing fine outside but clouded with anxiousness inside. I feel so home sick. I guess, whenever I am far from home, I treat as my own kind of family and to be with him is what it really means by being at home, and now, I find myself away from our house and away from him. What do I have right now? It’s just a shot of broken heart that is chased with perplexities.

There is actually no big deal about my professor locking the doors. I mean, he does it all the time yet he somehow reminded me, at that moment, that the one I am waiting for cannot enter the room anymore because it’s too late to do so. It slapped me about the fact that I am repeating my mistakes in order to make another stair of frustrations again. It’s a good thing, perhaps, because my eyes were opened to reality. This is what is true and dreams are sometimes meant to fool me. I should not trust them although they appear so sweet and tempting. It’s never sure to transform into reality.

Again, I am visualizing my “later”. It’s going to be boring. It’s going to be blank. I feel like this day is one of those ordinary ones, no glitter, no unusual but pleasant things. Maybe I’ll be laundering my clothes, devoting my mind into removing stains, exhausting my whole body so that after I am done, I’ll sleep until tomorrow, which is a new day and perhaps, new hope. Maybe I’ll be arranging my things so that I’ll look forward into my going home and think about nothing else. Maybe I’ll switch my phone off so that I won’t be excited each time it beeps and vibrates and I won’t read his text messages all over again, which shall cause me more destruction inside because of terribly missing him. Maybe I’ll pray so that God will help me get over this day and make me realize that after this day, I’ll be okay again and there will be no more disturbances inside. I’ll have a peaceful mind, the kind which performs decisions soundly and with rationality. Maybe I can still manage to end this day with a smile. I was able to do it yesterday so I can repeat it today. Hopefully.

Right now, a classmate of mine stepped out of the room, walked out and never cared about what others will think about her. I envy her, partly because she got that guts I am dying to have and partly because she isn’t like me who is glued in the chair and escapes a deluge thru writing. I want to step out of the room, too, but I guess, I won’t be going anywhere. What I mean is that after I walked out, what shall happen? I got no plans and I got no decisions and so I pick to suffer here rather than there. There is an easy choice between being active or inactive. It is, in a way, funny that I spend some time grumbling about Physics but after giving me the choice whether to leave or not to leave, I still chose to stay. It’s a paradox that I don’t want to be here inside and I also don’t want to be there outside. What I want is to be right there by his side, pampering him in order for him to be well enough. I want to be right there and comforting him the way I’ve never done before. I want to be right there… and I hope fate is listening.

Again, I repeat, I am okay.

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