Friday, December 12, 2008


After arranging all of the things that I am bringing with me, I headed to my university. I was supposed to dance with the theme dissatisfaction and imprisonment. It was modern dance, the kind I talked about in the Igniting the Passion post, the kind which requires your heart in it because there was no music at all, only emotions. Being chosen to dance for a particular event meant a lot for me. It was the combination of self-confidence, excitement and privilege. It felt good to be asked to dance, especially in that kind of event where video cameras can widely be seen.

I practiced last Saturday. It was supposed to be a day for me to take my rest and break for that long and exhausting week but because I felt the privilege of dancing there, I agreed to my professor’s favor. I sacrificed two of my weekend days, leaving me with just one.

…and now the big day came. I left our house at ten o’ clock in the morning. The dance was set at twelve and the travel usually takes me an hour. I allotted the other hour in dressing up and devoting myself in music. I waited for the bus to arrive but after spending two hours there, I became so much impatient. Who wouldn’t? It was one of the moments when I appreciated even the simplest and tiniest second. It was one of the moments when I feel like it’s taking me forever. That dance was partly for me, because I know that I will feel great if I did the dance with all of my heart and knowing that I made people happy and impressed meant something different. It was for my satisfaction and the thought that once in my life, I stepped in that dancing arena, just me, wearing black from head to feet, feeling all the emotions that only prisoners are experiencing, bare-footed, head up high and so much in love in what I was doing. It was also partly for my professor because I know that she is expecting me to come and dance in front of critics. To fail her is to fail my words. I know that I’ll disappoint her if I did not make it on time. I wanted to fly at that instant, to show up and tell them that the show was happening, that I am coming, that I may be late but I still made it. I wanted to reach my destination in the soonest possible time because it kills me to think that everyone is anxiously waiting for that someone who doesn’t actually deserves to be waited and be treated of importance. I became upset again but I soothe myself with thoughts that tomorrow is Tuesday and I’ll be spending time with my friends again. I cannot afford to upset myself more at that time. I wanted to help myself in any way. I thought that this is not important, that tomorrow, when I woke up, no one will know that I did not attend one of the events I promised to attend to. I thought that if I did not attend there, I will still be the same person I am right now, that I won’t lose anything, not even a part of myself. I thought that if I did not make it, I will still have the family and friends I have at the moment. I thought that I shouldn’t care about them who are waiting for my presence but I listened to my conscience that if I was not present at all, I will lose a part of me and that part is the one which embraces all of the promises I am still holding and fulfilling. I will lose that part which contains all of the trust that people had given me and the trust that I have yearn though the tough years. If ever there are people who has their beliefs in me today, it is because I’ve proven them that I am someone who deserves it and to not attend today is to prove those people that I don’t deserve their trust, not even a bit of it. I will lose that one which will make it easy for me to break more words.

I still made it. I was not sure how but my point is that I still came. Maybe late but I still had that will to come and dance and fulfill my words. It may not be a very good start of the week but hey, at least I managed to land in my feet, maybe not dancing and jumping but stable.

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