Saturday, December 06, 2008

I Think I am Shifting

The title says it all. I feel like I am doing it soon. Although not yet determined, I am clearly not seeing myself doing intense Math until such time that I graduate (and if I did made that, I must be out of mind after I graduate. You cannot talk to me anymore). I don’t have the strong will yet, not yet decided. I am still easily intimidated and easily persuaded. Like, when somebody tells me that I should still put into effort of doing Math and loving it, that I should not quit this early, I am on the side of staying in that department and continuing my course though it sucks (it really does) and when someone tells me that I should find another career that will give me the enjoyment and satisfaction while studying, I am on the side of shifting.

I tested myself and realized that I get the satisfaction I need whenever I dance, write and examine philosophical arguments. Those are my interests. It’s never in Math yet I also need practicality because being the first-born in the family, I don’t have the case in which I will have everything I simply want. I should take in consideration the career path that will make me help my family and in that case, I cannot go on with any writing or Philosophy course. It will (somehow) waste all the efforts of my parents to give me proper education just to see me with good life and success. It’s not a period. I mean, if I pursue my Math career and hopefully graduate and hopefully find a good job, I can always enroll and educate myself. I will hopefully find the satisfaction that I took for granted. I will hopefully have it.

If ever I will be shifting, I will be shifting in the course BS Business Economics. At this moment (it should be made clear that this is what I am feeling at the moment because it will soon change. I mean, my decisions are not yet final and I am still weighing success and satisfaction), I do believe that nothing will happen if I shift from Math to Business Economics. I mean, I am not fully devoted to the course. My heart isn’t there. I might be interested today but that interest may fade away as soon as I am dealing with it everyday. I am afraid that if I shift there, I will still feel this way, making me shift back or be forever stuck. I am afraid because it’s just three years to go and I am bound to face the real life, no more books and failing grades. It’s you and the boss and the responsibility to give my sister the education she deserves. I am afraid because I cannot make a decision for myself. I am afraid that if I quit Math 63, I will have the guts to quit my other future subjects, too. I did it once and so I can always do it again whenever I feel that same pressure and difficulty. This decision (if ever I will be shifting or not), is a very crucial one because this will dictate my life in the future. This can make or break me and I believe that if I did not make the right one, I will be suffering for the rest of my life (no, not rest of my life. Just maybe some parts of it.) I don’t want to have regrets.

I think I will be shifting because of the simple fact that I go to school, thinking about other subjects but not Math… because whenever I am at home, I find pleasure in reading Philosophical essays but not Math equations though I know that I should double my time allotted to my course… because whenever it’s Math time, I find myself struggling inside and vomiting any time… because whenever I go out of the classroom after Math, I want to leave everything behind, including my dear self.


Anonymous said...

Well...the nice thing about LIFE, as a whole, is its ability to change. So things you may find fascinating and thought-provoking, you may grow tired of in 10 years. And your life will shift again.

I have been a teacher for many years, and then, life shifted again, and I'm an almost-photographer now....

Life changes and we reformat ourselves to the shift.

Good luck, sweetie!

Rhaingel said...

Thanks for the wonderful comment. It's very true. Maybe it's just natural. Thanks again. I was (sort of) inspired. :)