Sunday, December 07, 2008

In Chaos

Today is the shortest weekend I ever had in my life. It’s just Sunday, no Saturday and Monday. I was full occupied for those days. And now, I am about to return back my usual college life. I feel like I haven’t adjusted well-enough to the second semester. I still get really tired and drained. My mom said that I lost weight and I lost my cheeks again. It’s a usual thing for me that whenever I lose weight, I lost other parts of my body, too and in this case, it was my cheeks which I dearly love so much. (It’s gone again. Where will I find it?)

This semester, I eat a lot and when I say a lot, I mean it. No exaggeration here, I really eat a lot like a man whose work is to carry heavy baggage. It’s seems like I am not getting full (although I must admit that there were times when I lost my appetite) and to eat is what I want and what I need. I don’t get enough sleep. I get just six hours a day when I am supposed to have eight. It’s just that my body is well-trained to sleep at around eleven or twelve, after my favorite television shows has been showed . If I extended, it means that I am doing something important, maybe school work or maybe thinking about him. If I sleep earlier, it means that the day was tiring enough to make me lie back on my bed and never care about the rest of the day. I wake up at five o’clock. Fifteen minutes usually is allotted for my reflection and prayers. Another fifteen for taking a bath. Another fifteen for dressing up and preparing myself for stress and another fifteen for eating my breakfast. The moment I leave my dormitory, stress sinks in.

This semester, I have been holding all extreme emotions and my blog is a living testimony for that. It’s just a month since the second sem has started and yet I have been undergoing full bliss then full gloom, full excitement then full dissatisfaction. It’s like a never ending cycle and to be who I am at the moment, I need to experience that. It’s all extreme and they usually make or break my day, leaving me either really happy or really sad. There were blank days, yes, but those were under the really sad ones. The only difference is that I put in some effort in blank days that I am somehow relieved and somehow pretentious. Either way, I am still unsatisfied and unhappy. I know it within me. I also felt like I lost some of my age, making me really emotional about what are happening and what’s going to happen when all the while, it gives me nothing but frustrations and worries. I have been silly and childish for the past week, acting like a spoiled brat who cries and gets mad whenever she doesn’t get what she wants. That is very unCrisanne. I usually don’t show my emotions to everyone but for the past weeks that I have mentioned, I have been really transparent, making other people aware of what I am going through, making those concerned affected, too. Very destructive, not just for me but to others, too.

I wonder what this week will be like. It might be worse than the past week and might also be better. I don’t want to expect. That is what bitterness is made of but whatever happens, I will still be hanging there, like a float, like a leaf which is about to fall off the tree. Nothing will happen if I quit this one. After all, it’s almost Christmas and it’s almost vacation. It seems to me that I will be going back to my house life, away from books and numbers, away from friends and classmates.


saveyoursoul said...

I like the way you described yourself as transparent.. I've never thought about it like that before

Cassy.Heartbroken said...

i had a reeaally short weekend too. :/
i hope you'll get relaxed soon. ^^

Rhaingel said...

saveyoursoul: Thank you so much. That is what I thought and felt exactly and so I wrote it down. Thanks again (wink).

CassY: Vacation is coming. Well, I guess, these are all part of being a student. I'll miss this as soon as I graduate. I hope that you'll get relaxed soon, too. :D