Friday, December 12, 2008

It's Never Meant to Kill Me

As love woke me up this morning, I rested my back in the wall, closed my eyes once again, thank God for another beautiful day that is yet to come, opened my reflection book and read the passages there. Because I have thirty minutes to reflect upon my life, I chose to reminisce this past few days and weeks. I realized that lately, I grew to be someone unappreciative, paranoid, too negative, possessive and exaggerated. I became totally different from the girl he really deserves.

Jealousy. I am dealing with it now after years of never admitting that I am feeling it. I am facing the fact that there will always be a greater person than me. I am finally admitting that I can never be everyone I want to be. I just have to hug what the good Lord has given me and be contented with it. After all, it’s more than enough than my need. Yes, there will always be rooms for improvements and I am, in fact, working on it now. I realized that if I really love someone, I should open my heart and palms and allow him to make the most out of his life. I shouldn’t hinder his growth as much as I should never be the reason of his melancholy and regrets. I should not tie his neck on my hand. I should let him with what he wants to do and just pray that he will always be safe and happy wherever he might be. After all, nothing is so much better than his happiness. I acknowledge uncertainty. There will always be, but I chose to believe that if he loves me back then he knows what to do even though I don’t tell him and I don’t show. It’s nice to know that he is staying with me because he loves my company and he loves me for me and not because I obliged him to do so or he feels the guilt upon seeing me frustrated or sad. What I can possibly do is to give him such memories that will make me unforgettable in his memory so that even without my efforts of making what we have right now last until the end of time, it will still happen because we choose it freely and with all our hearts. All I can do now is to show him my real feelings, no switching and no limitations, so that all I can say, whatever happens, is that I gave him my everything, I gave him my all and I did not left anything for myself. I won’t have any regrets then. As for jealousy, I cannot stop myself from being a green-eyed monster. I mean, I am not perfect and those imperfections are what make me untrusting to my dear self. I still have my instabilities. I am still shaking in my unstable ground. Maybe I should be feeling jealous once again one of these days but I will take it as a challenge to make myself improved, stronger and a lot better. I won’t be emoting again the way I did for the past days. It was over. I learned my lesson and eventually, I believe that it helped me a lot in being someone enhanced. I will be taking it as a step to grow on my own too and be the best person that I can be so that I will finally be the girl he deserves.

He is right when he told me that he never did give me a reason to be jealous. I mean, hey, he is perfect. He makes sure that I am so much reminded about what we have, assures me that today is good but tomorrow will certainly be better, informs me about his plans, confesses if there is a lady he has to meet and does everything to prove me that he is worthy for my full trust. I couldn’t ask for more. After all the frustrations, it was my feelings which caused the silence. It was my being inconsiderate and so much possessive which caused the damage for the both of us. I realized that because of my fears of the uncertain, I became so much anxious and that caused me to tie him and never cared if he is uneasy or hurting, never cared if ever I made him happy about my decisions to keep him.

It’s a very good thing that moments of silence when I first open my eyes in the morning allow me to realize some important truth about life that I have to accept and live. Today, I’ll live my life the way it was supposed to be lived. No more hard feelings and no more hidden frustrations. Life is too short for me to still deal with jealousy with extreme dispirited spirit. Jealousy, as I see it now, is a feeling which is meant to make me better. It’s never meant to kill me. (WINK)

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