Saturday, December 27, 2008

Just Meant for Dreaming

Today, I accepted one important could-have-been in my life and that is I won’t be celebrating any debut party. Since I was born, I celebrated my birthday with a party just two times. It was when I was one and the other was when I was seven. When I was one, I can hardly remember what happened. I just see it in pictures which contain all the wonderful moments of that first birthday of the first-born of the family. It was full of parlor games meant for the other kids of my age. When I was seven, I celebrated my birthday in a swimming pool where chosen friends and relatives attended. Most of the parents of their seventeen-year old daughter are so busy preparing the debut of their child. Being a girl- I always dream of that birthday where I’ll be wearing that long gown, preferably maroon in color, with hair brushed-up, high heels in action, rosy cheeksan artistic and drama queen kind of girl- and dreaming about my last dance. It was something I think about while hearing the rhythm from that majestic violin. Now, I woke up facing the fact that the bubble burst and I have to say goodbye to that debut party. It won’t be happening.


I never told anyone about that excitement. I kept it in myself. When I was ten, I pray every night that I am seventeen so that I am near to that debut. Through the years, I watched my older cousins and friends turning into a princess when their grand day came. It was their own day, like it was forever mark in the calendar that during that night, they were the most beautiful lady and for that one special night, they felt like everything around them sparkles. I watched them while feeling a bit envious about that time of their life. When I was thirteen and I was in high school, I set that dream aside and focus on learning. I go to school with such passion and make friends, lots of them while sometimes, just sometimes, I can’t hide those sweet little smiles and that twinkles in my eyes whenever I think that someday, that debut party will make its way towards reality right in front of my own eyes. It happens in fairy tales and I thought that I can be my own Cinderella. I was excited about those gifts that I’ll be receiving and the dress that I’ll be wearing. I was excited about those people who will give me hart-warming messages towards my womanhood. Apparently, a relative who visited us a while ago was excited about my debut, too, but my mom told her a big “No”. She said that I will be, of course, celebrating my debut but there will be no party. No gowns and flowers. No eighteen roses and sweet dances. No fairy tale coming true. No sparkles at all. I don’t know what to feel today. I am trying to be perfectly fair that a party will cost so much that practicality will be set aside but then, it was a dream for my part and it was once-in-a-lifetime. I’ll never be eighteen again. I guess, I just have to convince myself that I have to be selfless and that I have to consider my mom’s side too who is trying to make both ends meet when it comes to our budget. I guess, I just have to be happy for my friends when they celebrate their own time of their lives.


At the end of the day, dreaming is such a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamt about. The castle, well, it may not be a castle and the princess only becomes a princess only if she is a daughter of a queen and a king. The fantasy is simple. Pleasure is good and twice as much pleasure is better. That pain is bad and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something, that some things are just meant for dreaming and not for having and we should not hope that much so that there will be no bitter disappointment in the end. There is only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache. And maybe that's okay. Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams. Just there. Not all kinds of dreams cross the boundary that lies between truth and fantasy.

6 comments:

Megan said...

I'm really sorry that your dream has been shattered. Maybe your mom will surprise you in the end. Nevertheless you have a good outlook, but I imagine you'll never be able to totally "get over it". It will always be something you look back on with sadness. Maybe when your birthday comes there will be something that lets there be some happiness mixed in there, too.

Rhaingel said...

Well, I don't want to put my high hopes again that my mom will be surprising me in the end. That is something that will cause me more disappointments. Right now, I am soothing myself with thoughts that I'll still be who I am even though there is no debut party... but you're right. That is something I'll always look back with the phrase "what if". Nevertheless, I am glad that dear blogging friends like you are always making me feel the sympathy. Thank you so much! :D

forgetfulone said...

I wish you could have your debut!

Rhaingel said...

I really wish I will have it but in case I won't be having it, thanks for sympathy of people like you. :)

Laura said...

There's nothing worse than having a dream shattered. Just remember all the joy the dreaming process brought you.

Rhaingel said...

Thanks for your advice but hmmm.. I guess, I'll just set it aside and dream about other things. (sob). (wink). Thanks again! :)