Friday, December 12, 2008

Little Miss Independent

It’s not everyday that I get the chance to step in the mall, let down my hair, walk straight with chin up and a little curl in the lips, eye people and try to read what they think about me. It’s only today and it felt like the girl side of me once again emerged. I went there because I got nothing to do and to spend time in the mall, trying to find the perfect gifts for the perfect people, is a lot better than spending my time alone at home, checking the time always. I chose what I believed is best for me. I was full of energy and I don’t know where I got it. I was just the girl who loves the mall, just the girl you would like to chat with until midnight, you would want to hear singing in an empty room, you would want to fetch from home, you would want to watch dancing and the girl that you would like to write you love letters. I was alone but nevertheless, I never felt the emptiness the way I did before. I felt like I was empowered that each strand of my hair speaks about my being girl, that each part of me defines my personality, that as soon as I put my hair behind my ears, I feel so grateful that I am a lady. I felt like I was independent, that I don’t need a boyfriend to make me enjoy the mall, that I can do it alone and still end up smiling and satisfied, that I was a lot different from the other girls. I felt like I was sort of carry-it-all, never needing anyone just to make the most out of life.

I bought a planner for my 2009. It’s necessary. I was sort of struggling to choose the best planner for me. There were many organizers and diaries, different thickness, designs, construction, material and features. I wanted to have everything I saw and hold but I was searching for that one. You know, the one which got elegance and style, the one which will fit my being me and after an hour of exploiting those shelves, I finally found the one. I went out the bookstore and searched for more. I mean, I don’t actually know what I am searching for, I was just searching for that something- perfect to my vision and will catch all of my attention. Fortunately, there was one and I examined it as how a perfectionist sees every little spot of imperfections. I am a girl and I did what a girl is supposed to do when they go out, looking for gifts. I went to the store where stuff toys are dominating. I don’t know why but I always go inside when I see that store. It’s like a routine since I was (maybe) four and up to now, I am still following the routine. The only difference is that before, my parents accompany me there but this time, ‘twas only me and I was happy about it. Me… who carried two bags but was not minding its weight in my arms… me who wore just a simple t-shirt, pants, hoodies and slippers and was trying to grab all the attention in the world through the raise in my eyebrows and the play of my fingers… me, who, at that moment, loved every inch of me.

The moment I felt the little pain in my ankles, I stepped out the mall and wait for the car which shall drive me home. Thirty-two kilometers… and I spent that hour-drive clinging to music and enjoying its every note. I brought that feeling in the car, down to the jeepney, down to the tricycle and down to my walking. I still have that girl side of me inside right now. It’s not yet bidding me goodbye and I don’t know whether it’s staying with me for a long time. I still feel empowered and grateful. I still feel like I am Little Miss Independent who got her own thing and everybody has nothing to do with it. An exaggerated one, perhaps, like a princess who honestly believe that she is the only lady in this cruel world, like a butterfly who plays childishly with the yellow daisy. Dazzling and adorable.

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