I am all alone in this room. I mean, yes, some of my classmates are already here yet I feel like I am all alone and so I drown myself to music… music who had been writing’s constant partner… music which had been my refuge ever since. I am blissful about the thought that he is at home, under the comfort of warm blankets and pillows, alone and removing all his stress away by means of sleeping soundly… but the feeling that no one actually occupies the seat next to me makes me miss him so badly. One by one, my classmates arrive and little by little, all of the seats are being occupied, leaving his space empty, vacant, like a box wrapped with glitter and gold but doesn’t have anything inside. It’s not that I am sad. I am happy in fact, but I feel like a big part of him was in him that whenever he is not around, I feel so lost and disoriented. I feel incompleteness in my veins. Maybe because he is my better half. Right now, I am out of my mind. I mean, I am serious about derivatives but thoughts like what is he doing and is he okay flowers in my mind. I cannot stop myself from caring for him. He is the one who completes that sweetest piece of puzzle in my heart. He will always have that soft spot in me and so to celebrate university life without his presence is like singing a birthday song for a celebrant who isn’t actually there. I guess I simply miss him. I mean, badly, madly, truly do. I know that it’s only hours since I started to attend my class but I am not used to this. I am used to at least seeing him and spending some couple of minutes looking into his face and wishing that it’s rubbing against mine. I am used to hearing his voice and words which sound so expressive and give me the sweet sensation going to my ears, making a smile in my eyes and lips and feeling strong and forceful lub-dub in my chest. Sigh. I am okay. I am fine. I just miss him.
7:15 AM…and once again, my lazy Philosophy professor did not attend our classes. I would have wanted it if it happened some other time but since it happened today, I think I am spending quite some time drowning myself to music again. I don’t know my prof’s reasons. Maybe invalid if we are to use what he teaches me and maybe valid in a way if I look at optimism again. I am actually after the thought that I got an hour and a half just slacking around. I will be lying if I’ll say that I am not paranoid about waiting for his text messages. The truth is I get excited each time my cellular phone vibrates only to find out that it’s not him, that he might still be in bed, embraced by comforters and kissed good morning by the first sun rays. He might be busy, no time for ultimate buggers like me, no time to waste his ample energy to let me know that he is fine. He might be thinking about someone or something else and that’s none of my business. All I can possibly do is to raise my most intimate prayers to God so that he will be protected and guided for the day. For now, I can just listen to music and think nothing but its lyrics. I can just make myself occupied by singing with my music player and finding myself quite trapped in the lyrics, perfectly and no doubts. I can just jive into the rhythm and dedicate each song to him… to him who never left my mind, to him whom I love so much. I hope he is here to make me feel the same thing. I hope he is here so that I will never feel boredom. I hope he is here so I won’t have the chance to miss him and once again, pour my heart out in this.
December 10, 2008
December 10, 2008