Saturday, December 06, 2008

Sometimes, I Just Have to Let it Out

When God said, “Let there be extremely bad days,” I went out our house, stretched out my hands on my side, looked up in the sky and said, “Thanks”. I caught it all.

I badly want and need this day to be over. I mean, I cannot imagine this situation being worse than how it already is. At the moment, I cannot think of things other than putting an end to my December 3, 2008. You know, just forgetting about everything, pretending that this day has never existed, like after December 2, 2008, I’ll be jumping to December 4. Just erase today. Right now, I am so much eager to welcome my tomorrow; it must be better and so much lighter. I want to breathe… regularly and with no discontinuity of some painful thoughts. I want to forget all about anticipation. It’s garbage. It’s nothing but oozing words of encouragement all forming its way to a situation that will surely make me upset.

Sometimes, it’s better to keep myself silent and negatively thinking about something rather than convincing myself to cheer up only to find out that today is equipped with stairs of frustrations. You know, one happens after I am finally over the other and the worst part is that the pain and disappointment grows each time. This is very destructive. Today is nothing but couple of hours full of failed hopes and pointed dreams, full of reminders that I am not always supposed to be happy, that I need that balance to neutralize my full bliss and in this scenario, it’s the full gloom. I feel like I am entering it. I hope that I am wrong.

So here is the thing, I woke up at ten minutes before six (I was supposed to be already at the jeepney at that time). Fast ten minutes? I just took a bath, dress up, combed my hair and I’m done. I left everything behind. I rode the jeepney, rushed on things and continue thinking that for that moment, I need every minute of my life. It was our first long examination in Mathematics and to be late for five minutes actually means that I have to double-time answering the problems. Problems, literally. I wanted to cry at that time, just wanted to release everything that makes me dumped and dispirited, just want to lighten my burden but I chose not to because I still got a long day to suffer. I mean, to live. So the torture came. While answering Math problems, I thought that the situation cannot get any worse, that it was the biggest frustration of the day, but I was wrong. Pessimists were right when they concluded that the worst case anyone can have is when you are excited and positive about something only to find out that you’re actually excited about nothing, that ‘twas no more than you who believed that things can still mend up themselves and make everything right again, that ‘twas just you who foolishly thought that at the end of the day, you will still have that sweet honest and natural smile, no pretending and no forcing.

I feel so tired and uninspired. My head is battling with my heart and emotions are ruling over me once again. I am wishing that this is the end, that for the last five hours remaining for this day, things will just be okay. It’s enough to be okay. I am not anymore insanely wishing that I will still be able to find a spot of happiness for this day, just okay, just no additional thing to upset me more. I hope so but wishing for it is what makes fate naughty. I know that there is still a possibility that what I thought as worst can be just bad and awful and so there is still the “worse”, just like what happened a while ago.

December 3, 2008
7:00 PM

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