Saturday, September 27, 2008

Life is a Game

Seventeen years ago, my mom and dad got no problems at all and so God decided to give them one. (Cough!) My mom would usually tell me that never will she be able to forget my birthday because that was the greatest pain she ever had in her life, and mind you, up to now, I have no guts to ask whether that pain was due to her labor or because of my congenital stubbornness. My first birthday, as I watched on the beta max, was a taste of spaghetti and hotdog on stick as I walked around my visitors, trying to remember their faces. My tita, tito, ninang, ninong, their respective dogs, neighbors, playmates and a person so white like a flour with a shiny tomato as his nose and lips as wide as the dangkal of my lolo, perfect to frighten me and make me run to my dad, crying, like the sound of all my balloons being pricked one after the other. After that, the beta max went crazy and there are no more scenes.

My third birthday is what I clearly remember. My parents gave me a party again just like when I was one but the differences are first, I did not cry because of that same damn creature, which I now recognize as a clown and second, I was matured enough to join the parlor games... or so I once believed. It was Trip to Jerusalem, a usual game which will never be absent on children's party. It was my birthday and it was supposed to be MY special day. The music played and we all danced Macarena, wiggling with the beat and grinding our hips down to our knees. I danced with all my energy while I see familiar faces smiling at me. I know that they are admiring my moves and as I see them staring, the more I want to impress them. Then all of a sudden, the music stopped and the next thing I know, they were all seated at the circled chairs, each one of them. My mom called me, "Come here, baby!" and for a moment I felt that I was stuck on the ground with the glue gun my mom used to use in decorations and the Epoxy my dad is using for holes in our roof. I tried to step towards them but I cannot and I know that the whole world is watching me, saying maybe that I am the birthday celebrant who lost instantly on the first round of Trip to Jerusalem. I know that they are all looking at me and some maybe having their devil laugh while saying, "Poor little girl!". In sympathy, my relatives told me that it was just a game but in reality, it's not. It's all about being embarrassed on the day that was supposed to be yours and special. It was a psychological challenge whether to show people that you don't mind but deep down, you cannot understand all about sportsmanship and you'll forever have that L-O-S-E-R in scripted on your forehead or you will just swallow hoping that the sickness inside you will go with that gulp. I was still deciding whether to cry or not when the music played again and all of my visitor's attention is not anymore in me. I am not anymore in their spotlight. Finally, another loser was declared and thanks to him and his crying because everyone forgot my very tragic moment except for my parents who still makes me feel sick upon remembering and laughing about that.

After several years, it made me realize that life, indeed is just a simple game and usually it's really unfair that we tend to lose in the moments we are supposed to shine but it is not about giving up and surrendering to bitterness. It is all about facing the unfair reality.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Going Back

I saw her sitting on a bicycle seat. She holds a pink umbrella that is destined to protect her porcelain-like untouched skin from the piercing heat of the sun. She was fresh and smelling like jasmine. She looks like a princess on her white lab gown uniform. I saw him driving for her, from her college to her dormitory. He was full of beads of sweat yet a curl in his lips makes me convinced that he is happy with what he is doing and whom he is doing it for. He also wears his uniform- white polo shirt with clean white T-shirt in side and black ironed pants which gives him the impression that he is nice and good. She looks at him with spark that every glimpse of him makes her bat her eyelashes while smiling. She then had a very small face- the one which appears to be engulfed by her hair. Clear skin with no inscription of any dilemma but her grades for the exams. I knew and felt that he loves her. It shows in his actions but I was certain enough that this love will soon fade and he will find another one after all.

I wanted to warn them, to tell them maybe that they'll soon hate each other, that they'll hurt their children's feelings. I wanted to tell them that they'll be separated. I wanted to warn her, especially. I wanted to scream and say stop. I wanted to grab her arms and scream and tell her that he is the wrong man, that sooner or later, he'll look for another girlfriend even though you're there and I am here. I wanted to remind her that she is very pretty and smart and special that there will be another man that will cherish him forever only if she will wait. He will leave you. He will leave us. You're going to ruin your life and commit sins just because he isn't Mr. Right. He will hurt you and make you cry. You'll realize that he is not the prince charming you've been dreaming about. I really wanted to stop and cry and tell them everything they will later on know. I wanted to explain and make them avoid the things that will give them their problems today.

I followed them again the next day. I saw her dissecting a frog on her Biology 101 class. I saw her slicing an onion on our kitchen, preparing our food for today. Alone and miserable. I saw her cleaning the blood of the frog on the laboratory faucet and I saw her washing the dishes. I wanted to tell all my premonitions but then again she won't listen to me because all she knows is her love and nothing else. I know she's smart but she's blinded. Instead, I went to him and tell him, whispering, to take care of her, my mother. I know that he doesn't see me but I was certain that he heard me speaking yet he did not follow my request.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Little Miss Disturbed

I swam and slid and shouted and jumped and danced and sang and played and flied and zoomed and eventually woke up.

The Maroon Five is singing their song She Will be Loved inside my mobile phone and I was about to command a shut up when I heard myself singing with them. In my mind is indeed a person, someone who will sing with me and tell me that I will be loved because he is there. Oh sorry, I think I am still dreaming- day dreaming. This is supposed to be my Pagtuunan ang Math Day yet bad for me because I lent my ever-loving Green Apple notebook to one of my classmates who was not able to attend two meetings of our Math 60. Guess what happened next. Upon realizing that my day wouldn't be filled with numbers, I sat in front of the computer and disturbed people as the way I was disturbed from my sleep.

I turned on the television and turned it off immediately as soon as I saw Daimos fighting with a monster. I actually do not know why he always appears to be beaten first and in pain when all the while, we are sure that he will still win the battle. Good for him and for the kids who cry each time Daimos gets hurt. So enough for the business which isn't mine. Checking out the trial games on my computer, I challenged the maker. This is what convinces me that I am a real jerk. I keep playing all those free games which span is just 60 minutes, a relatively short time for me to enjoy it a lot. It leaves me hanging and while I am on my climax of playing, it will simply not respond and the next thing I see is a notice saying thus I have zero minutes left in a bloody red colored font... but still I play those even if they suck. I hate those kind of games. It says that it teaches all about time management by making children play roles like a waitress whose head is as round as the moon and sometimes by being a wedding planner who makes the guests sit according to their request. It teaches children about time management yet it wastes their time on those silly games. It tells that life is easy, just click on your character and she will survive. It never talked about exhaustion and dillema and about what life really is. Life is about having a broken family and failing grades. Life is about being fired and loosing all of your wealth. It surely isn't about meeting your goal by means of making your guest patient and keeping all their hearts. It never happened on life. Life is about what those games aren't like but still I play those and I make believe that life is just that easy, just a simple click will give you money and experience. Live laugh and love equates to 1. wake up; 2. survive; 3. go back to bed... and right now I woke up, I survived and I must now go back to bed. See, people say that I am better off asleep and idle rather than disturbed.