Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Waiting, Wishing and Wanting

She sits by the front porch of their little home, beneath the same sky he also sees. It has always been comfortable to stay under the canopy of those tall Acacia trees without anyone knowing what she's doing. She tiptoes every night for the fear of judgments and curfews and waits here until she cannot stand the chills of the night anymore. Other nights, she brings a shawl o a jacket, mostly when she can hear the snores of the others, a sign that they are deep and lost in their own paradise of make-believe and therefore she can wait a little longer than usual. Some nights, she brings nothing but herself and her guilt of broken promises.

He lies awake all night, until the sun eats the moon away and he'll get up to start working. He cannot stop thinking about the past, the present and the future, making him all restless and unhappy while everyone snoozes… well, except her, of course. This has been his life after she decided to just meet him there. He constantly checks his mobile phone for any message from her wrongly sent to him. He waits emptily for her broken promises. He is absently hopeful to meet her again, just hanging in that desire because he knows that he cannot just throw all those memories away.
Two years of absence. Two years since she saw his dark complexion, and who can tell, maybe he is darker now, but she likes his skin tone so much. Two years since they talked about what’s up, and she’s sure that his voice is now bigger, deeper, defining his manhood. Two years since she delivered her sad goodbye. She still doesn’t know how to make her promises real, or if she has to make her promises real. Who knows, as he aged, he might lose his interests as he lost his innocence. She doesn’t know if he’s waiting for her, like she patiently does, or he’s happily living the rest of his life without her. After all, there are no signs of him, except her instincts, except her feelings, but what good are those abstracts? She needed something real, something to convince her to be true to her empty words.

Two years of waiting. Two years since he saw her long and black hair and he doesn’t know whether she cut it short or it’s longer now. He hopes that it's longer, for it adds to her irresistible charisma. Two years since they talked about what’s up, and he hopes that she still talks the way she does, for it is distinct and melodious and very mature. She seldom speaks English and finds it humble about her. Two years since he delivered his sad goodbye. He still doesn’t know whether she remembers him, occasionally, or maybe frequently like he does. He doesn’t know whether he still needs to hope, to wait, to wish secretly for her. There are no signs that she’s coming back. No messages, no letters, no missed calls. She must have forgotten her promises, for people forget the things that don’t really matter. Some days, he will wake up and go on with his life, hoping that when the nighttime comes, he will not wait anymore… because it hurts, it really does. But everything changes when he sees the stars, because her smile is bright as those little sparks. There are no signs of her, except his instincts and the voice in his head that says “What if she comes back?”, but what good are those abstracts? He needed something tangible for a fresh hope of another day. He needed something to silence the other voice which whispers, “What if she doesn’t come back?”

And it took them two years… and counting, to do the nightly routine of waiting and wishing and wanting.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Still

Wake me from my deep sleep, awaken all of my quiescent senses. Shake me until I don’t feel the insensitivity anymore, until I feel the flux of my blood running in every little inch of my body. At least I’m alive, maybe not dancing but breathing. Shout loud noises into my ears until I am deaf of the silence no more, until your voice sends up and down shivers right into my spine. Open my eyes to the terrible circumstance of my reality. Show me the redness of the Earth. Show me other things than those I saw before I took the time to sleep. Show me that there’s more to life than those inevitable pain. Let me be familiar with your scent until I forgot his. Let me smell the fragrance of life, of new love, of hope so I’ll forgot about the scent of lost, of helplessness, of nostalgia and love, too. Teach me how to trust again. Teach me how to love again. Teach me how to live again. Because I forgot how.

Bring me some new diary… without the old scent of sunshine and longing and sweet forgiving, and I’ll try to write my life without him, without anything from him, without anything about him. Straighten the pretty stationery of those teens which know nothing about love. Make sure that the paper is of different shade, of different hue, just like my anticipated life now. Throw the key of my old little diary for no one remembers what happened, no one knows I’m already awake. Nothing should ever be the same as my bitter before. Nothing should ever be similar at some point or another. Bring me a pen and ink which doesn’t fit very well to my hand for if it does, I’ll just remember the bittersweet touch of his fingers tangling mine. And I will start sleeping all over again into that soft bed and comfortable pillows of isolation. I don’t know when I’ll wake up. I don’t know if I will ever wake up. I cannot lose the same battle twice. I just can’t.

Switch to a new song of a new beginning. Burn that mix tape. Break that music player. Destroy all of his notes, all of his painful chords. Close not just the chapter of that life but close the whole novel. Close the entire book. Tear every pages of that thing. Throw it to the fire. Never leave a thing for if you do, I might sleep again and I don’t want to be on that state of hopelessness, on that insensitivity, on that emptiness inside. Do not cure my amnesia. I want to stay this way. I don’t want those nightmares to control me again and hold me to my throat where I can hardly breathe and call for some help. I don’t want those ghosts of him to haunt me every night when it’s late and I am all alone and kill me with insomnia and excessive thinking and endless longing. Don’t allow them to see me once more. Don’t allow him to hurt me one more time. Never again… because for the long run, I feel so pathetic to run around the circles of his planet, never realizing that I am hiding from myself for he is still in my heart, in the core and essence of my being and existence. Never again… for in the long run, I feel so exhausted to sleep deeply and pretend not to be bothered or hurt or even notice but deep inside, I am all opposite. I don’t want to take those antidotes again. Never again… for in the long run, one look and one smile from him shall put me to a deep sleep again.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Christmas Vacation Plans

A week before Christmas day, I retire from my studies. Finally, the anticipated vacation is here.


This is my first and last vacation for this year. Last summer, I spent my everyday in school while last semester break, I spent it hanging like a spider in its web with books and scratch papers. Those were not vacations for something is not a vacation if it lies amidst school works. Truly, to finally realize that I’ll spend the following weeks doing only what I want and what I am not required to do makes me want to jump for joy. Hurray!


The last week of classes this 2009 really sucked all of my enthusiasm towards studies. There were exams here and there and so many activities that waits to be failed. I felt that I crossed my limits, trying to do what I cannot for the sake of staying on my course and graduating on time, and trying to put my feet on the ground when I feel like breaking into millions of pieces just to disappear and lose all the pressure. That week was crucial in a sense that everything must fall into proper places or I will again face the consequence of failing and repeating a subject. Now that the mentioned crucial week is done and vacation is sipping in, I can only cross my fingers and hope that my best was good enough to pass those examinations and not be too pressured next year. That won’t be a good start. For now, I will sleep late and wake up late and stay as idle as I can and refill my enthusiasm meter.


This vacation, I am also planning to write again, or to try writing again. I’ve read so many books this 2009 (and thanks to the people who gave me some) and unfortunately, I was not able to come up with a very satisfying post that shall reflect all of those books I’ve read. Truly, skills rust when you don’t use them or you take them for granted. Maybe it’s also one effect of Mathematics, that when you start liking Math and you start feeling that attraction towards numbers, you feel like words are too incomplete and cannot contain exact meanings, like they are all approximation. Math and English are two opposite fields that they really repel. This hiatus, I wish to regain all those precision in words. I am not anticipating to have oh-so-good posts but just to have posts again. I wish to express myself through writing again for it has really influenced the past years of my life, catching all those wanted and unwanted thoughts for future inspection. And so I am beginning right now and hopefully, I shall continue tomorrow.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Moon, No Moon

I woke up last night from a beautiful dream. At first, I didn’t know what was it so I stood up and left my chilling pillow under the sheet and prepared a cup of hot milk to help me think. Instantly, after I had a sip, I realized that the moon was present in my dream. So that may be the reason why I termed it beautiful. After another warm sip, I realized that the very reason why it was beautiful is also the reason why it was just a dream. It was fully there … that’s it.

I hurried to bed as the realization came crashing over me. It was way too much for a night, way too much to allow me sleep again. So before it was too late, I lie down again, erasing all traces of hurt and expectations, thinking nothing but to be able to sleep again and not suffer a night under the waves of emotions, to dream again, to just forget everything. I should have known that I am good at it. Not at all.

As the moon reaches its shiniest, I stared at it with such painful realizations. It has always been my dream while I sleep and even when I am awake. I always wanted to fly up there and live in there, pulled by its gravity just like the tides of the earth, though it’s too much to imagine and too much to wish. The moon has always been far from my reach, just right for my stare. It has always been high up there with the millions of stars illuminating the dark sky. It has always been there allowing me to see through the night. The moon has always been beautiful and magnificent in all of its ways, standing-out and amazing. I follow its gravity more than how I do with that of the earth. However, once in my life, I watched the moon flew right in front of me. Indeed, it was a dream-come-true. Indeed, it was the happiest thing that ever happened to my life and I can still remember everything on that silent night when it came down. I thought that that was just easy. I thought that I can be with that moon as often as I want. I thought I can stare at it as long as I can but I am just under that same sky where everyone sees the same moon, and so I can’t call that moon as my own even though it flew down for me. Also, there were times when the moon is sometimes missing. Sometimes, it’s new moon and the sky is too dark that shadows are the only things that I can see. I’ll run and hide and try to fly, only to find out that there is no sign of the moon no matter how hard I try to search, only little stars which are randomly scattered to make an impression that there is still light. I’ll wait and pray and hope that the moon will soon shine and drive all my darkness away, then my prayer will be half-answered, because the moon will be half-there. Only half-there.

There was nothing special last night without that full moon. I wasn’t certain what to hope to feel that night, but I felt empty. I was empty of any hope and enthusiasm. I was empty of mirth and satisfaction. I was exactly opposite as my dream. I realized that I too, at times like this, is just half there, and the other half is staying on her dreams, playing on her fool’s paradise of make-believe.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Student's Real World

I woke up at five that Tuesday morning with the realization that that day was the first day of classes. It didn’t make me rush since I am not yet late. I said a little prayer and get up and felt the shivering morning under my skin. Whew. I hate to break the calmness of the morning. Turning the faucet on, worsen the cold, for the water was cold as ice and it runs while killing all the living flames inside my body until I, too, am as cold as ice. It felt like ten minutes passed and still, I made no progress at all. I guess, I wasn’t just excited for my first day.

As a child, I have always been eager for school. I was always attentive, always excited and never lazy for it. It was something I anticipate each day. I was after finishing everything my school requires me to do and eventually, on enjoying while learning with my friends and classmates. I might even say that a part of my childhood was stolen from me by my academics. At some point while I was still very young, I felt deprived about playing outside just because I have an exam tomorrow and because I study in a private school so I shouldn’t waste my tuition fee. As I grew older, I learned to feel less deprived and more privileged. Maybe, a part of the reason behind that was because I also lost that age where playing outside was both natural and a need. I was done with that stage.

I started feeling exhausted when I was in high school. The anticipation towards exam was not anymore that high. Nervousness and crammings started to penetrate my system, too. It was fun and hassle-free at some point but whole day classes usually leave me with nothing but worn-out energy. Nevertheless, it was enough that achievements and recognitions were the fruit of every labor. In life, I must say with the little experience I have, that when the people who matters see all your efforts, it makes you re-directed, that no matter how exhausted you are, it refills all your wasted energy and makes it overflowing again. It was like that in high school – difficult but still tolerable.

Now that I am in college, that tolerable part during high school is gone and nowhere to be found. The only consolation I have is the hope that someday and somehow, all these sleepless nights and difficult mornings will bear something I desire, something I deserve. I really cannot wait to get over this particular stage where I feel so burdened. I know, I don’t have really high grades but I realized that after all, success is really a measure for one’s self and not a measure given by others. I know that overall, I am giving everything I have and I can though it’s not enough for most of the times. For me, it has always been a price to be educated. For me, it has always been a special privilege but also a great sacrifice. Like studying for tomorrow’s lesson but also losing a part of my childhood along the way that I can never retrieve. It’s a matter of seeing things in a perspective that will do you good, that will leave you at your best.

I rode the bus that shall bring me a jeepney away from my university. An hour of a very sleepy travel plus the realization that I have to try my best to endure Math and Physics again. A cup of brewed coffee for survival and to avoid yawns is what this present student life requires. Less of facebook. Less of blogspot. Less of those mouth-watering novels that is not connected with academics. More of scratch paper and photocopied readings. The joy of a suspended class and the sorrow of failing a final exam all come with it. The grief of failing one of your goals and the bliss of achieving the rest of those is what this student's real world is all about.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Little Miss School Girl


It was just yesterday when I graduated from high school and now, I am about to face the fact that I am on my second year in college, second semester, bound to take three Math subjects, two language courses and one Physics. Argh. When did everything change? It still horrifies me to think that everything seems changing in an overnight.

I feel so threatened to start the second semester with this kind of mood, for once it has started, there will be no more way to stop it. It will run as fast as it can and I will be left there, standing, too feeble to catch up, too slow to catch it. The next thing I’ll figure out is that I can’t log in online and I can’t spoil myself to novels even though it’s Friday night and tomorrow is a weekend, for I still have to solve several Math problems that will drive me crazy and I still have to review for Monday’s exam which I don’t have any idea on. I guess, I still haven’t completely adjusted to the life I am living today, as a college student. I am still used to the pressure-less, easy-going life in high school. Or maybe I am just tired, even though the semester is not yet starting. I still want to sleep late and wake up late. I still want to spend the whole day reading novels and being absorbed to the story they call fiction. For I know that I will miss having no academic obligations at all. It’s funny that the vacation seems so short as a weekend is but a semester seems long as an entire year.

Now, since I don’t have any choice but to make the most out of those two days left. I will try my best to be composed as possibly can. I’ll try to be ready as much as possible for the wave of stress, for the tsunami of pressure and for the ocean of worries there is to come. I know that I need not to worry too much for at the end of the day, everything will soon be alright. That is a natural tendency. But I just can’t help doing so whenever it crosses my mind that the proportion of the things I was able to do and those that I was not, lies larger on those failures I made. Sometimes, it makes me sad to realize that I sacrificed so many things that will surely make my day for fulfilling my responsibilities but then again, I still wasn’t able to accomplish all those responsibilities I took time to prioritize. It’s like I gained nothing but more disappointments oozing all around my veins, and will linger there to haunt me forever.

I don’t have any resolutions for this coming semester. I don’t have any “I’ll try to be better this sem!” or “I will try to shoot for higher grades!”. It’s not like I don’t have plans or I don’t have any goals to pursue. It’s more of I am constantly aiming for those, although I also constantly fail. There was never a sem that I didn’t do my best. There was never a sem that I asked Fate to do all those that I cannot. I constantly strived… and that is what I will continue to do, although I am tired, although I am lazily returning to school on Tuesday.

Back to school, back to pressure. Back to Math books and goodbye to novels.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Lesson From Nature

It all seemed to be a typical Tuesday afternoon at first, but as soon as I realized that there isn’t any scheduled homework to do or lesson to understand, I realized that this is no typical Tuesday.

Tuesday, for Rhaingel the student, marks the official start of the week. During this day, I usually see myself getting ready for a busy week. Now is different. Since it is my vacation, I decided to do something different: to try to understand the pleasure my mom sees on gardening.

We don’t have a huge backyard to plant on. My mom keeps her plants in pots and puts them on our balcony for everyone to see. At first, I don’t know what drives her to water those plants regularly and even bought more for her to take care. I thought that the stress my sister and I are giving her is still tolerable for her so she resulted to buying potted plants and flowers. Eventually, those flowers bloomed and the plants got healthier… and my mom is happier more than ever.

I first volunteered to water her plants one afternoon, just last week. It was also the week when my mom is busy with her works and other stuff that concerns our family. So I thought that it was the perfect timing and somehow, it was. Days passed by and I became more idle and everyone just seemed to be busier. So chores are on me. I continued watering the plants but because the past days are very boring that they drive me really insane, I decided to do additional work and try to apply what I learned in my Home Economics classes. I tried to find the shovel and rake but the rake won’t show up. So I just used the shovel to “play” on the soil – to bury the withered leaves I just finished picking up and allow the plant to finally breathe on its roots. I got so many scratches, particularly on the thorny stems of the flowers, but I felt that I am part of the nature and the nature is a part of me, a very special one.

I found peace - or should I say, simplicity, the one which I always take for granted thinking that life in the city with the street lights and air pollution makes me grow. Then I saw the flowers budding, starting to bloom, and beginning to wave hello to the world which is often too complicated for such a delicate petal. After I saw how magically the elements of the earth nourishes something magnificent, I forgot all the scratches from those thorns, for they are nothing compared to the beauty of this planet. How I wish that my mom saw all her hard work for those plants. It will surely make her happy.

A part of me wishes that it’s vacation forever. I am thankful and privileged for the knowledge that I do receive everyday but at some point, it changes me into someone sophisticated, someone who is not originally me. I guess a vacation doesn’t just mean a rest from school works but can also mean a rest from that someone you are pushed to be and allows you to see the beauty of that someone you used to be, originally and without all the pressure and chaos that shapes a person, eventually.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hiatus

Three days of my almost three-week vacation just slipped by so easily, so swiftly, like sand on a child’s little hands. It still feels like I will be having an examination soon and I am just playing around so as to avoid too much pressure. It doesn’t feel like a normal vacation yet but I am so glad that my body is getting familiar to the new tentative schedule I have for myself – sleeping, eating, playing badminton and reading pocketbooks I received during my birthday.

The first three days was spent under pillows, rendering me a longer time to get some sleep and vivid dreams. Oh, how buoyant it is to finally have the rest and refuge that was not given to me for so long! No words can describe how perfect it is to wake up late with the sun already silhouetting the tallest of houses on our place, while I silently smile with the thought of my last dream. During mornings, on the other hand, the most productive thing that I am able to do is to read some novels which magnificence was always deprived of me during school days. Indeed, I am so excited to jail myself in between those words I really found interesting and most of the time, inspiring. Sometimes, beautiful stories can wait but an examination tomorrow causes all the hurry. It’s inevitable to sacrifice some of passion for a better future. Now, I am putting all those passion on the top of my list to accomplish.

This semester break, so far, is the most exciting one in a sense that I feel bored but still able to do what pleases me and what pleases the others too (i.e., watering my mother’s plants or enhancing photographs of others who already lost their voices in begging me please). How I wish that this won’t end yet... for I am glad that I am pleasing as many people as I want. It is such an uplifting feeling to try to be a blessing to others and to help them as much as I can. Unlike the other semester breaks I had, this one is not depressing and not wasted. I see each day as a unique and special one that is vital to redirect me for the upcoming semester, which seems like a very challenging one.

Perhaps, you can also ask why I don’t have so many posts this October when all the while, I am on a leave or a vacation. The truth is, I stopped pressuring myself to make blog posts for the sake of a large collection of writings. Now, I write because I need to unleash those thoughts that continuously burn my soul and not because I need to meet my quota of twenty posts per month. Sometimes I lose quality for the sake of quantity, like the more I write, the less I am able to express, that’s why I decided to write whenever I feel like spontaneous but not force those words to come out. Writing has never been my world, but it has always been my other world, the world which saves me often from the brink of despair.

Excitement fills all the minutes of my everyday. I am thrilled to think what will happen tomorrow or even later! The vacation package seemed to contain so many surprises which I cannot get enough of. Of course, I do expect some low points too, but that will just balance everything. I realized that the real essence of vacation is not to provide rest but to break all those boring routines in one’s life. I more than blessed and glad to finally have one after some exhausting time which felt like forever.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Oh, So Right

It was when I was heading home thru an hour drive that I realized that the semester is officially over. Final exams are finally done and I have nothing to pass and nothing to worry about. It was when it started raining hard and the lightning struck when I thought that as soon as I step my foot on our home, I’ll be minding nothing but eating, playing and reading novels each day. Oh, so right… the feeling of an accomplished semester, the feeling of finally unburdening my shoulders and breathing light.

Aside from the fact that I am now in my second year in college, this semester differs in a way that this provided me with a satisfied feeling after. I’m not anymore bitter and regretful after almost six months of learning. I am happy and crossing my fingers that I did not fail a subject or two, but if in case I did, I see no point in sour-graping over something I thought was best.

This semester, I learned to fight the monster inside of me. I learned to trust myself at times and believe in what I can possibly do. I somehow learn to prioritize and try not to do things which can cause my regrets later on. I learned that feeling too inferior will result to nothing but negative results. This semester, I learned to give my best shot even at helpless situations with the undying hope for miracles and acknowledgement of efforts, to drain myself with man-made mortality because I am still a student and a student is supposed to study and give everything in her academics. A student is not supposed to be comfortable all the time. If that is the case, the price of being educated is not worth it, after all.

However, though I learned a lot in the first semester experience, the pressure feels like it was doubled, or even worse. Drowning myself from all the major subjects I was taking, there were times when I forget why I was doing it. Like, nothing has its reason and everything is senseless. Maybe it was the exhaustion that paralyzes even my optimism but whatever it is, it surely made me tempted to rest and stop pushing, to forget everything and just focus in sleeping. Cramming during Monday nights also seemed to be unbearable now. There were times when the pressure overwhelms my ego that it simply surrenders. Being in second year college is like crossing one fourth of the desert when your camel died. It’s very wasting to go back where you came but really difficult to reach the end of the desert. But like a wasteland, amidst the hopelessness and fatigue, somewhere lays an oasis which can give you the re-direction or the lift that you have been waiting forever. Thank you for the person who never gets tired of my tiredness and complaints. How he encourages me can be compared to a cool water enlivening the dead cells of a thirst body, and even more than that. If I am considering this semester a satisfying one, it is because I found my own brand of oasis and I got up to my feet again, convinced that five semesters to go and I’ll be what I want myself to be.

I call this thing, semester break, and so does everyone. After weeks of completing my sleeps again and finding the joy of slaking around, I’ll get back for the second semester, but that is still too far from now to look ahead and anticipate. Now, I am doing things which I can’t manage to do because of exams and graded recitations. Back to the blog-o-sphere, I guess. More words, less numbers :)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Forgetting to Forget


I already forgot the taste of nostalgia
and the satisfaction of being his Bella
I already forgot how the pain usually feels
When I remember all our vows, all our deals

I can’t hear now his sweet cold voice
And how it unbalances me and ruins my poise
I can’t see now his charming little eyes
And how instantly it became my vice

Not anymore do I respond to his name
Not anymore do I play my part on his game
I do know by now what’s over is over
I do know by now that we can’t be together

Farewell to a second chance, farewell to him
My hate and pain already reached my brim
Though I can’t stand his million dollar smile
Can’t swim with his other girls, on his river Nile

But though I know what’s right and wrong
And even convinced everyone that I’ve moved on
Still I die everyday to the gloom and unbelief
That after everything, man, I still love him so deep

I never loved him less but loved him even more
During the time that we closed each other’s door
“Stop hoping, stop waiting”, that’s what my ego said
But my heart answered, “You really want me dead?”

What You Missed II

Waking up with the headache last night was unbearable. It was October 3, Sunday, and I just rose from a real shattering migraine. I drink nothing but water and juice yet I managed to remain awake for the last 30 hours. So this must be it: sleepless days and nights.

I was about to explode literally when I remember where all these aches came from. Last night was the continuation of my party, opening gifts and trying to express my gratitude to all who greeted me and all who came, and the night before yesterday’s was my birthday, my 18th birthday.

It’s well-known that the age 18 signifies a special leap for a girl, or should I say a lady, or a woman. When I think about that age and I realize that I already am 18, I shiver inside. I am not YET used to it. It feels like the 10-year old me is still trapped on a body of a lady, obliged to act accordingly so as not to disappoint anybody. Whenever they talk about me and even add that I am a full-pledged 18-year old lady, I laugh silently because deep down inside me, I know and I feel that I am still around 15. To old for playful mistakes but too young not to repeat those mistakes again. Whenever they say that I am hardworking enough to study in a university like UP, I smile to the thought that I am more responsible to harvest my Farmville’s artichokes on time and not to let them wither. It’s not like I am 17 yesterday and when I woke up, everything’s changed. I realized that to be who I am today was indeed a long journey so the real comparison is today and ages ago. I lied when I invited everyone to join me as I kiss my childhood goodbye... because the truth is, I'll never say goodbye to my childhood.

Though I am shamelessly admitting that I am still irresponsible by heart and by nature, I am glad that through 18 years of painstakingly enduring everything I have to offer, my family is still there, willing to join me in the next 180 years of my life. I am thankful that they are still proud of me after 18 years of achievements and mess. Though people may really come and go, family is not one of those people. Once a family, always a family and I can attest to that fact that even though I really am a pain in the ass most of the times and I surely kill all the nerves on my mom’s head, after five minutes or so, we’re back to being the same happy family, like nothing happened but all lessons learned.

Anyway, the first week of my being 18 was spent in between Physics books and notes and calculators. Finally, it is not something I am irritated to do but something I’ll be proud of because even though I had a party to celebrate on, the first week of my new age was spent maturely, though uniquely. I am proud to say that after the first semester of my second year in college, I am finally enjoying learning, like it is not something I am obliged to do but something I am luckily offered. Pressure from all the professors and very intelligent classmates is still there. Cramming is also present but if I learned something very important, it is to fight inferiority and focus on self-satisfaction rather than social comparison. Right now, I am satisfied with the goals I have for myself and doing everything to be really committed to these goals. Finally, I am growing up with respect to this aspect, though I still get bored at special times (At least not very often now).

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What You Missed I

After almost a month of my un-blogging, I don’t know where to start. I missed writing about the latest so that left me with topics highlighted on my history. First, the Ondoy-typhoon which left every Filipino scared and concerned about what's next. Second, my 18th birthday and lastly, the last week of my first semester in my second year in college.

So many things happened since then. There are so many changes which made me quite doubtful, so many surprises that caught me off my guard and so many projections that I cannot wait to experience.

Though the anticipation of the future happenings leaves me restless and nothing but excited, this space in the net should contain a chronicle about what happened while I chose to remain silent in the blog-o-sphere. Not that I have nothing sensible to say. It’s just that some things cannot be contained on a word or two and some feelings cannot be inscribed in black or blue. I tried to write a poem that somehow summarizes everything I missed but then, for the longest run, words failed to satisfy me.

It was Friday night, the 25th of September when I heard the weather forecaster informing us that we shall have a rainy weekend. It was okay for me then since I only have plans of staying at home the whole weekend and reviewing for an upcoming Physics exam. I woke up the next day, feeling like the night did not pass at all. It was dark and cold and dull outside. It was raining so hard that I can hardly hear my beating heart. There were flashes of lights that tear the calmness of the gray sky. It was frightening to wake up at 10 in the morning and witness everything while you were expecting a somewhat bright and shiny morning. I immediately turned on the television and saw how the typhoon washed Marikina City while I was sleeping and dreaming. Kind of unfair. Is that what the forecaster termed as "a rainy weekend"?

Unlike other typhoons, Ondoy lasted quite long. It was Monday and classes were suspended. I saw it as an additional time to review and rest and a longer time to hug my pillow tight. Meanwhile, the typhoon also implies that my party, scheduled that Friday, October 2, will be a swimming party. Argh. A flood-swimming party. Because of the typhoon, people will have some valid excuses why they would not attend my 18th birthday. Saddening, that is, but considering safety, a Friday night swimming party is not so appropriate amidst some storm if you don’t want to cough and sniff while swimming.

As a Filipino student who is fortunate enough not to lose anything while the storm is ongoing, I can only hope and pray that the victims will soon find refuge and move on with their life with a fresh start no matter how history felt to them. Oh, the horror, to see the people crying because of losing and to see them swimming, holding on for their dear lives. The typhoon is not only a signal of a class suspended. It also tells me that there are people grieving and losing everything they once had, that not everyone is as fortunate as I am. It’s scary how everything changed in an overnight, how perfectly fine you are in the morning reading some novels or singing in the shower and after a life-changing-minute, everything’s lost and nothing appears as how it first appeared.

Currently, Philippines is trying to recover from the wrath of nature. Everything happens for a reason, after all, so maybe, there is a hidden lesson behind all of these – lessons which are still vague but will reveal itself in the perfect time. For now, prayers for a better situation is the least that I can offer.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Runaway

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it tooAnd I would run away
I would run away, yeah, yeah
I would run away
I would run away with you'



Cause I am falling in love with you
No never, I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you



Close the door, lay down upon the floor


And by candlelight,
make love to me through the night

'Cause I have run away... I have run away with you.

Runaway by the Corrs; Photos from weheartit.com

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Finally

Finally, I’ll be turning eighteen in about two weeks.

By the word 'finally', I am referring to the people who are already very excited while I was still eight. I was the first-born of the family, the first daughter and the first grandchild. There is no way you can blame these people for feeling so excited.

Now that I am almost two weeks from finally bidding my pediatrician goodbye, I realized that everything is not how I first saw the world.

Back to the days when I was still elementary, I thought that nothing is going to be hard except for daily quizzes and spelling every Wednesday. It was my only world and I guess, the only pressure I can tolerate at a very young age. When I was in high school, nothing is worse than Monday morning cramming when last night’s party was still in my head. Now that I am in college, Math exams are the worst. Especially when your professor is not the generous and passionate kind. There are still cramming. There are still daily quizzes which occasionally knocks me off but unlike elementary and high school, I am just a step away from bathing into the real world. Now, it feels like every exams count, like failing one would eventually imply that a company will reject me and won’t employ me in any way. I haven’t felt any pressure like that before. I guess, the pressure increases as the aging thing goes on.

Besides college, I struggle inside to the thought that I can now get a driver’s license, buy liquor and cigarettes on the restricted part of the grocery (not that I have plans), vote for government officials, work legally, and do the stuff that are only for eighteen years old and above. I really cannot wait to avail the privileges that are equipped with being eighteen.

Though, I am nervous.

I won’t have any valid reasons now for acting childishly when all the while, I still feel young inside, like I can tumble on the field and dance as I get up like I don’t care for anything else in the world. Poor young Rhaingel, she’s stuck in a body of an eighteen-year old! She doesn’t have any choice except to act her age.

Two weeks and I’ll still be me. Though maybe, I should consider growing up. In fact, I should start growing up because tonight I’m still a child but tomorrow, I’ll be some lost stranger in the real world. Scary but real and inevitable.

I guess I am also excited about turning eighteen but horrified to turn nineteen, especially twenty. Twenty sounds a serious thing already and though I am constantly preparing myself emotionally and mentally for that, I am still fifteen at heart, still loves blogging, still hates studying, still like ice cream and still believes in Santa Claus.

Aging. Maybe it won’t hurt at all. Maybe it isn’t a big leap after all that will be very remarkable, but I hope that the eighteen-experience will be great for the seventeen was utterly the best so far. Seventeen going eighteen… can’t help but be excited.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Almost There, Almost Done

It was last Thursday night when I came to realize things. It was almost twelve o' clock in the clock and I haven’t abandoned my Math exercises, too scared to fail. Tomorrow is the fourth long exam and I need to get a good grade so I won’t have a cardiac arrest while taking the finals. I need to pass this so that the pressure won’t be that large that I can’t anymore contain it.

Every optimization problem seems to sink me in the bed where I am sitting. Sweet temptation. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to finally lie down and be contented for this day and just hope that tomorrow is not a day that I will regret forever. I know that I’ll eventually get through. I just hope that I will get through with no havoc done.

From the five-hour sleep, I woke. From the supposed-to-be-an-hour-travel-elongated-by-two-hour-traffic, I survived, and a chapter quiz in my Statistics 101 is what awaits me. I knew it. I was not surprised that there is a quiz, but though I am completely aware, I didn’t even hold a Stat book to review or scan. Worse is I knew it was coming but I cannot convince myself to listen to the professor. Sometimes, I know the right thing to do yet I’m still choosing the wrong one, which seems interesting and convenient all this time. The exam wasn’t a terrible one, after all. It was considerate enough for my professor to allow us to open our course notes so it was not very regretful that I didn’t even scan. It was so kind of him, in fairness, to think that Stat is not our only subject at school but the exam and adrenaline rush was enough to wash all the Calculus I studied last night.

I am a Math major, for the nth time and Calculus is the art of my soul. It was a nightmare before but is now a part of my student life. Calculus is my favorite subject. It challenges my ego. It humbles me down and convinces me to strive for more… and more and more… It tells me not to be contented about my scores because I can do better, that’s why it’s very important for me to get a good score now. I’ve been studying a week before the exams so I got no excuse for failing this time.

Fortunately, it was the kind of exam my professor didn’t pour all of his hate on. It was ‘answerable’ and by that, I am grateful and contented. (Did I tell you that he sometimes makes exams that will make your nose bleed?) Surely, my exam won’t be perfect but I am crossing my fingers that somehow, it’s better than my last two long exams (okay, never mind the last two exams. This isn’t about them).

The worst isn’t over yet. Since we are fast approaching October and weeks seem to go on overnight, the first semester of my second year in college is almost over. It means several things: First, I am now closer to graduation and closer to the real world. I really cannot wait. Second, it’s almost goodbye to my perfect schedule this sem. Another uncertain schedule is coming and it who knows, it might be the worst schedule everyone thinks of. Third, if the semester is ending, finals are unavoidable. Darn. Final examinations which are cover-to-cover and are scheduled day-after-day. Sleepless nights are coming. Lastly, I think I’ll be appreciating sem break now since I am yearning for long hours of sleep.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Parting Time

I remember the days When you're here with me

Those laughter and tears we shared for years

Mem'ries that we had for so long it's me and you
Now you're gone away, you left me all alone

Go on, do what you want but please don't leave me
You'll break my heart

Hey, what should I do Babe, I'm missin' you

Please don't disappear
these are the words that you should hear

Time and time again I wish that you were here

I don't wanna lose you girl I need you back to me
I don't wanna lose you Baby can't you see

Oh, I need you You've been a part of me

I wish someday you'll be back home

Please come home...
Parting Time by Rockstar
Photos from weheartit.com

Everywhere

…Then it occurred to me that I am seeing his face everywhere, very clearly, very magically yet entertaining.

He is in the clouds, his beauty surpasses the shining sun, and his smiles seem to chase all the storms away from what he defines as paradise. He is in the side of the road where I am walking, watching my every step, watching me drifting and slowly notice him. He is in my Math notes, distracting me from nauseating numbers and differential equations and inspiring me at the same time to catch up on him. He is on the water I am drinking, tickling my lips and quenching my needs. He is in my dreams, drowning me, pulling me and giving my life a new meaning and making everything appears like there is really some sense. He is between the stars and the full moon, surpassing both of them with the brightness in his eyes and the gravity of his irresistible smiles.

He is there with the fresh air I breathed this morning, providing me with a redirection, a fresh start, a peace in the inner restless me. He is with the running river flowing through the sea, providing life not only to me but to everyone close to his soul, enlivening them, flowing through the clogged veins of yesterday. He is in the most sparkling mist of the breaking dawn, signaling that the night is over and that brightness will soon sink in. He is with the fire between the charcoal and wood, providing heat and life to me who is frozen and cold before he came and touched my life. He is in the soil that continuously nourishes and supplies life to my withering leaves and stems and rotten fruit, allowing me to be radiant and shiny and full of life.

He is with the twisted g-clef of every music composition which came from my heart. He is in every song, in every line, in every falsetto of the depths of my desire. He is in between my fingers kissing the piano’s keyboard, trying to create a masterpiece out of depression and love. He is in my silence, the true music’s face and the emphasis in every living masterpiece. He is in my broken note which made the maestro raise his left eyebrow uncomfortably. He is in those silenced screams and hushed melodies, witnessing how bitter life sometimes treats me.

He is on my wounded heart, kissing every scratch, healing all the aches and changing the situation so I would hurt less. He is on my fiery soul, never leaving me alone when everyone seems to do so. He is there on my shoulders, comforting me when I have lost and failed, telling me it’s okay even though I don’t feel like it is. He is in my loud laughter, capturing another momentous minute of my life and holding the pieces back so I will have something to reminisce later on. He is there on my piercing tears, letting all the pieces flow so I would have nothing to hold back and hang around when I feel all alone. He is there at my shadows while I stand courageously at the light. He remains hidden and unnoticed in the dark shadows and later on, I’ll miss him though I feel his presence and I’ll miss him more because I see him in everything that exists and in everything that does not. He is there at my back when I was trying to stand for myself. He was waiting for the perfect moment so that he’ll carry me around and he’ll stand up for the both of us. He is there with my every breath, my every blink, my every pulse. He is in me and I am in him and we belong to each other.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Twilight Saga

Now I know the reason behind the Twilight Saga fanatics. They really are reasonable and rational in all of their ways.

It wasn’t long since I started to read the first among Stephenie Meyer’s obra maetras: Twilight. As far as my memory helps me, it was June when I started going over the pages and let the venom spread through my veins, unstoppable and irresistible. It wasn’t that very addicting at first. After finishing the first book and feeling satisfied, I was eager to know what happened next so I allowed myself to be changed more after New Moon. Swear, the break-up with Edward was something that made me miserable, too and at some point, made me cry if it happened to me, too. The new friendship with Jacob made me sensed the upcoming love triangle and I was just excited to hear all about the jealousies and choices that will be made. It was surely a good twist of the story. With every character perfect in my mind and because of my intense curiosity and cravings for the next part of the story, I took another step towards Eclipse and felt a slight hatred for Bella because she loved two people – well, not people – at the same time. It wasn’t fair, I thought, and she doesn’t deserve Edward. Though at the end, she chose Edward over her best friend, I wanted her to finish whatever special feelings she had for Jacob Black. Also, I was more than curious for her soon transformation. I wasn’t going to let the enthusiasm fade so after turning the last page of Eclipse, I was beginning the first of Breaking Dawn. I can’t and won’t put the book down.

Just last week, when exams were everywhere, I found my refuge in Breaking Dawn. I was there in the beautiful wedding, heard the bride’s and groom’s “I do’s”, I was also a part of their honeymoon, a part of Bella’s need to protect her ‘child’ and also a part of Edward’s and Jacob’s necessitate to see the girl they love living. I, too, was a witness to Bella’s transformation and new life and to the other new life that charmed everyone else, Renesmee. Reading about her made me feel her little hand holding my face.

This isn’t a review about the four books and doesn’t contain any spoiler that will surely bore you while reading the books. This is a thumbs-up for Meyer because surely, he made another world apart from us. There aren’t any doubts now for those perfect vampires and trustworthy werewolves. The imagination has come to life and I might say that Meyer crossed the line between fiction and non-fiction, easily convincing everyone that life isn’t just about humans but the super naturals, too. Most of all, Meyer had given every reader a taste of forever and how sweet that is. I, myself, am a witness to the last jeopardy the vampire clans faced. It was almost heart-breaking to witness how Edward and Bella’s irrevocable love might come to an end, after all, how all of the sacrifices might appear worth it but still ended. For a reader, (though I knew that Meyer must be dead by now if it wasn’t a happily ever after story), I will never stand to read that the two are destroyed even though un-separated.

Too bad there isn’t a fifth book. I’ll be glad to read about the Voulturi’s official end of supremacy. Yet very and already overly satisfied with the saga.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I Really Should Have...


Sure, didn’t see that one coming.

The moral of my story speaks loudly to me: Never assume a “Yes” just because there’s no “No” and the never-ending life’s theme: Expectations hurt.

I should have known.

During this short-lived week, I was eager for the weekend. I was happily crossing days out from my calendar, jumping from 30 days to go until 2 days left. Swear, this weekend was the one I think about when there’s nothing to deal with. Surely, this gave birth to many daydreams which are still clear up to now. This was the weekend that gave me so many vivid dreams and a hoping heart. All the dreams left me with intense anticipation as I woke up and eventually, more intense disappointments, too, as the real weekend sinks in. All dreams were vague but clear, colorful and dull, bright and dark, in a sense that everything contradicts its little silly self. I was happy in my dreams and satisfaction seemed to soothe my skin. It is what I wanted. That was all I wished for.

I should have known.

As I opened my eyes to start this day, leaving the last dream that has something to do with all the expectations, I shivered and wanted to cry. The satisfaction was running away, like I was chasing light and like I was holding water and there is nothing more to do. Tomorrow will be the day and I am going to that crowded place alone.

I should have known.

I have so many issues with my dreams but the usual ones would leave me expecting for nothing. I should have known or at least, saw that one coming. Since it was shouting loud to me, I should also be speaking what it says for the nth time: Dreams are just dreams, always. May it be the dream which I saw myself playing with my dad or the past dream that we were biking again, or my present imaginings that we will have a happy time together on Sunday, the “dreams-are-just-dreams, always” still applies and I shouldn’t be stuck ever again on that muddy, sticky, overly gross wishing well. I should have known that the higher I fly with my impossible dreams, the more hurtful it will be if I fell down or was let down.

I now know, but the fact about expectations will most likely to be forgotten again as soon as eveything’s fine. I am a fool and I expect a lot. Right, right, I’ll do something about it.

I should have known.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mom, I Love You

Maybe it was because tomorrow is mom’s birthday that I am making a post about her, but then even if the situation isn’t like this, I know deep in my heart that I am dying to tell the world that she is my mom and if I will be given a chance to live in another life and be able to choose my parents, it will still be them.

I cannot tell you every little detail which made me lucky to have a mother like mine because this blog and these words will never be sufficient, but I can tell you some things that might provide you with the picture.

My mom is a different mother. She isn’t the classical one who protects their daughter from all the jeopardy of the world. She isn’t the one who stays at home and serves three meals to her family. She has always been a career woman whom I really love and admire. Despite her duty as a nurse, she never failed a duty to be the personal nurse of the family. She is always the first to hear our first coughs, always first to feel the heat of our fever and always first to notice when depression strikes in. My mom gave me the opportunity to experience everything. Because of her, I can truly say that I have no regrets since I was able to try everything I am curious about. When I was young, she stood from far away, watching me play and bruise my knees. She was just watching when I fell, when I cried and when I eventually got the courage to stand up again. She never told me never to play again whenever I go home with overflowing sweat and dirty wounds. For her, it was always part of growing up and now that I have the enough mind to appreciate everything, I can only cry, not because the wounds and bruises still hurt but because I realized that she was selfless enough to let me grow and learn.


When I first started going to school, my nursery classmates cried when their momma left them during classes. I did not shed even a single tear for that. I know that my mom will be waiting for me and will treat me to Jolibee as soon as I finished my classes. I know that that is what I needed to do. When I first started going to college, I cried when my mom left me on my dormitory. I just know that there will be no signs of her during the nights that I need her encouarges the most and that she is not anymore there to take care of me as her young baby. I was independent. No Jolibee treats and no mommy waiting for me outside of my classroom. For me, it was the real world and I was too afraid that I resulted to crying and wishing that I may still safely stay on my mom’s womb. Rationally, I cannot live without my mom. During my first cry to the world, she was already there. She was there when I have to share my victories with someone and more importantly, she was there when I have to share my defeats with a person who will still be proud of me no matter what. She was there when I broke my heart, not telling me “I told you so” but hugging all the pieces together so I won’t break down. She was still there when I told her, “Mom, you’re wrong” and was waiting patiently after I realized that I really was the wrong one.

For all the disappointments and failed expectations that I caused her, she was still there, loving me unconditionally because I am her daughter and she is a mother, my mother. Simple as that. I wonder if I already gave her the idea how much I really appreciate every little thing she did. I wonder if she knows how happy I am to have an ice cream cone or a popcorn which she personally brought for me. Most especially, I wonder if my gratitude will be enough for the two lives she have given me - my life and hers, too. Nevertheless, I can still thank her now and do everything to be a blessing to her, too.

Mom, I love you, even though I usually fail you, even though I am stubborn at times. Mom, I need you, even though I lock the door of my room when I am mad at your decisions or I don't text when it's already late and you don't know where am I. Mom, I am thankful for having you as my mother, even though I sometimes appear unappreciative or insensitive. When you cry, I cry more.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Desert's Call to the Rain


Oh, rain, how long shall you keep me waiting?
For your sweet kiss on my face so soothing
Will you wait for more corpses, dead of thirst?
Will you still wait for the volcano to burst?
So many arid nights I waited and wanted you
The sun has sucked up all that’s blue
And what’s left is only dullness and gray
Come back to me, I hope and pray
And never shall I wait too long again
When you come back, forever has begun
And the little angel will cover the sun
The snow so unique and pure will come down.

I watch the sky change to all its hue
Still, rain, no signs of you
What took you so long to finally be back to me?
Was it the wonder hill or the beautiful valley?
What blinded you and caused you not to see?
That I was waiting for you patiently and faithfully.
What made you deaf and caused you not to hear?
All my bittersweet whispers and messages for my dear.
What made you numb and caused you not to feel?
The nostalgia of missing our love - definitely real.
What made you endure doing nothing for us?
When I was here, remembering all the past.

Oh rain, during the day, I can’t help but weep
To listen to your promises which are all deep
But empty, verily, verily, verily, so empty,
Guiding me nowhere, leading me blindly
And when I see the clouds rolling by above
And the flocks and herds and the lonely dove
I know that I should only keep my hopes alive
For you are coming back, like a bee in its hive
Only I have to patiently wait for your coming
Not be tempted by the lake and river, oh darling.
You’ll come back after some exhausting travel
Finding me still here, not able to say farewell.

What's Up for Next Week

August 10, 2009 – the last day of the weekend before non-stop deal with numbers and symbols again. This time, I’ll admit that I am grabbing the weekend close to me so that it will last longer than how it usually does. I feel a sort of uninspired and tired to go to school and fight my sleepy head and try to absorb everything that I need to learn so that I’ll be able to retrieve a thing during the exams. I admit, I am still losing my self here. I still have a little enthusiasm to get me through but I hope that that enthusiasm will leave me smiling after a storm of Math experience washed me out to the extent of my limits.

It’s exactly a week before I take a deadly exam in Math 109, which is a subject about proving and techniques in doing so. I call it deadly because I’ve seen how the professor gives an exam. She is mercy-less and more than challenging. Her quiz was something I didn’t expected and is hard enough to fit for an exam. The exams she does will really knock you off and will tell you what you don’t know. It’s also a good way to enforce humility and limitations. A week after that exam, Physics 71 will give me the thrill. Honestly, I am excited for this second long exam. Maybe because, I am studying Physics more now than how I did for the last months. I am seeing Physics now as something useful and not something which bores me a lot, though it still does at times. However, though I am seeing the little beauty of Physics, there is still the un-assurance of passing my second exam. I am still not confident enough although I am taking some time to study it. In that same week, it is Statistics 101’s turn too. My professor is cool but gives difficult and long exams, too, the kind which will give you the thrill of not finishing what you’re answering. He is also a fast teacher – the kind which needs fast-learners too in order to maximize learning.

Now, given the things that I will do for the next two weeks, I am finding it hard to look forward those. I am sitting comfortably on my chair now, faced with words, faced with photographs, listening to music, doing whatever I want and pressure-less. It’s difficult to step out of my comfort zone and be ready that failure may soon step in. Right now, I feel like a caterpillar that is afraid to undergo metamorphosis. Any courageous step might break my pieces all together.

Yet I have no choice for the world will continue spinning and the clock will continue ticking and later on, Mr. Moon will wave goodbye and it’s already Tuesday and classes are on. I only have to choose between being ready and playing on a fool’s paradise of make-believe that there aren’t any upcoming exams and everything will flow as I want them to be. Never let any fright master you, I should have known.

Good thing that my difficulties are a lot smaller than my God. Whatever it is that is happening, it is bound to make me more knowledgeable and eventually better. He won’t give something I cannot handle and besides, this is God’s battle between Math for I am fully dependent on his power and authority. I reside in Him and He resides in me. Nothing is too hard for Him, not a deadly Math 109 exams or a long Stat 101 exams or a confusing Physics 71 exams. Chicken. These exams are not even painful. It cannot hurt an ego.

Off I go tomorrow with the confidence that God will enlighten my mind and will prepare me for whatever that’s coming – even failure, for in every failure, we people grow. Goodbye, weekend! Until next week!

Friday, August 07, 2009

The Ulimate Birthday Wish

I thought about what I really want for my birthday. I know that it’s too far from now. I know that it’s still months from now but as a little child, my mom would say that the eighteenth birthday of a lady is supposed to be the most memorable. I am not looking forward to a big party which has dances, gowns and champagnes, but I am looking forward the privilege of asking my parents for a gift. After seventeen years, I haven’t asked them anything on my birthday. Now will be the only time.

First, I thought about my hobbies and my obsessions. I thought about asking them for an i-phone or an i-pod touch. I lingered on that wish until I realized that I want something handy or some things which I can just bring to school on ordinary days. I thought about a simple i-pod nano. Being still undecided, I thought about asking for a professional digital camera but upon realizing that I am no professional, I thought about a simple digital camera will do. Second, I thought about impossible gifts. A condominium unit, for instance, or a model car or a photo studio. Again, as I realized and distinguished reality from ambitions, I stopped asking them for one and decided to be really serious in my studies and just purchase one after finally calling myself successful.


Today, as I woke up from the week’s exhaustion, I saw a package in front of me. “To Cris Anne”, it says and it was wrapped in a gold paper with a black ribbon. The box was something of regular size but hindered my vision because it was too close when I woke up and as I opened it, I can’t believe it my very eyes. It was a digital camera, from someone anonymous. There are no traces of the one who gave it so I am not sure who that person is and I also have no clue about who might possibly give it to me. Only few people know what I want for my birthday. It’s still too big for a token of someone who cares. Until now, I can’t believe I already woke up. Everything still feels like a dream in the blue, a bubble to be pricked. My mom said, it was transported by LBC, some agency responsible for delivering packages but they are to keep the identity of the one who gave it. I am sure that it didn’t come from my parents since they will wait until October if ever they are planning to give me a present. August is still far from October. They can’t give me that thing this early. I am not in the mood for a logical thinking about who had given me that present. That person decided to be anonymous so I shouldn’t try figuring out that person’s identity but whoever he/she may be, may God bless him/her because that person made me really pleasurably surprised and very happy.

After a “dream come true”, I realized that it isn’t really the gift I wanted for my birthday. What I am dying to achieve day after day is to bring my mother back to the Church. I want her to be spiritually active again and to be fully dependent to our Creator. That is my ultimate birthday wish and I know that I’ll be happy to see it and very contented. No pictures from a digital camera and no music from an i-pod can bring me the satisfaction of seeing my mom singing songs of worship and praise and watching God work on her life. It’s not that I didn’t like the digital camera. Of course, I so much do, but I am also acknowledging the fact that really, the best things in life aren’t really things.

If ever that mystery person came from blog-o-sphere, I am expressing my deepest gratitude to you. I am so overwhelmed. May God bless you more and someday, I’ll bring back the joy you had given me. Thanks!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

From Confusion to Confidence

Separating myself from the Calculus and Physics thing, I came to reflect about the message in today’s scripture. From confusion to confidence, the bible speaks about ways to cope up with confusion and negative emotions, because we, people are mostly open to happy feelings but close our doors as soon as we feel that something is wrong. We do defense mechanisms to pretend that we are okay and we don’t like others to see that we are not having a good time.

Personally, being immature and everything, I suppress emotions when they seem to distract me from my usual activities. It’s difficult to deal with word problems when I have a broken heart. I flee from those sorts of things. I escape the suffocating heat of melancholy. When sadness seems to walk in the way, I keep myself busy so that I won’t have any time to linger on the bitterness. I’ll just concentrate on meeting deadlines and appearing to be the best that I can be, fooling no one but me. I admit, I am guilty in just trying to forget all negative emotions so when the same thing happen, I don’t know what to do because I didn’t face it during the first time. It’s true that the deeper you try to bury a certain emotion, the more it revenges against you. When we try to bury a feeling, we don’t actually bury it dead; instead, we bury a living feeling. Newton’s third law says that for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. That is also applicable to suppressing one’s feelings. The more we hide it, the more it tries to catch everyone’s attention. There is no other way except to face everything that is coming and be courageous. After all, the Lord will never ever leave us and won’t forsake us so there’s nothing to worry and nothing to be frightened of.

I also remember Morrie Schwartz saying that we should expose ourselves to every kind of feeling, embrace it and overcome it. Truly, we don’t get anything from hiding except for the piles of emotions bugging us during sleepless nights. On the other hand, if we will decide to turn our face to every trial sent by the Lord to strengthen us, we will sleep with a very light heart and worry-free mind and a wishful prayer asking God to mold us through these things. True, we will cry and grieve for a while because of facing a problem which may appear to be really difficult but in the long run, it is still better than constant hurting. True, it takes a little courage and some turns to admit that we are driving to the opposite direction but acknowledging this and doing appropriate actions will lead us to somewhere, apparently closer to our target place. This is a lot better than driving in the opposite direction and moving only farther and farther.

This is the lesson for today, more important than angular acceleration or elliptical hyperboloid. This is the lesson I still haven’t mastered and still needs a lot of practice and courage. This is the lesson which I still take for granted sometimes though I am already aware of. I am not an expert on this field but somehow, I do hope that I’ll hop on this post when I am trying to forget and escape everything. I also hope that somehow, this post may speak to you during the times that we are trying to keep ourselves busy to suppress unwanted emotions.

Have a great weekend, bloggers! May God bless you all! J