Friday, January 02, 2009

2008 Chapter 4

I am still not over the fact that I already welcomed the year 2009. Somehow, I am still used to writing the date today with the last digits as ‘08’ instead of ‘09’ and each time I open my blog, I still have the tendency to look for the list of the things I was able to write in the past month. It’s no longer shown unless you click the tab. I am still withholding the memories for the past months and I wanted to write everything- my winning, losing, unidentified emotions, for those are all real parts of life. I am posting this under the title 2008 Chapter 4 and for those who are curious, the first three chapters are simple realizations too and they are not continuous. Each post has different point of view and different emotions. They are all connected in such a way that those recap happened during the end of the year.


I’ve spent my whole life compromising and being a good little girl- not doing what I want or doing it and hiding it afterwards because I am afraid and I feel guilty for following my heart. Now, I am sick of it and I decided that for this year, I am going to step out of my boundaries and follow what really makes me happy, whatever it takes. After all, I realized that no one is actually certain about tomorrow and later and time seems to fly quickly and unnoticeably. Maybe as fast as tomorrow, I will be rushing to the same mirror only to find an old, gray-haired and wrinkled woman. Oh, the horror to grow suddenly old overnight, to go to bed young and wake up on death’s door. While I have all the energy as a kicking elephant, I will make the most of my life, laugh and shop until I drop, watch movies and splurge out my money eating what makes my tongue and stomach happy and spend each day like it was the last for in that way, I’ll have all the satisfaction in life. In that way, I will never be regretful and sorry for myself.


I have always felt the lost while struggling to make a change. I was always afraid and hesitant to let go of the past and who I have been yesterday but to move fully into the next phase of my life, I have to shed out my old skin. Once written in National Geographic, in nature, shedding is a process that must occur in order for growth to be successfully achieved and I do believe that it was so true. I realized that for this year, I have to double-check the list of my priorities and allow some changes in order for me to avoid disappointments and still land in my feet at the end of the year. I thought that I should prioritize the people who prioritize me, too. You know, the people who include me in their list of priorities and not just to their well-loved alternatives. It’s exhausting to be the last thing on someone’s mind when all the while, he or she is the only one you think about. After thinking about the lowest point I allowed myself to be for the past year, I felt quite sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed. It’s a lie that things somehow mend themselves and this is something nobody ever told me when I was younger than today and it never failed to surprise me as I grew older and as I saw people in my life break one by one. I wondered about when my turn is going to be or if it has already happened.


Right now, all I have are random nightmares of disconnected thoughts, feelings and sensations, all experienced in rapid fire succession and immediately and forever forgotten as I once did to my 2005, 2006, etc. I feel like if I did not write this out, I will no longer be able to sort this out of my mind. It’ll be gone forever and I am doing this now. I am starting to plan my 2009, not minute per minute but apply those lessons I was able to pick up during my straddling across the road of 2008. I should stand wiser.

7 comments:

Brent said...

hey, thanks for the award. i've been really busy lately so i haven't been able to do the tagging. it's good to hear you've made a resolution to step out of your "shell" and experience new things. that's basically the goal of my life. happy new year!

Rhaingel said...

Brent: You're welcome. I really believe that you deserve it. I think that resolution will make me enjoy my life more. Happy new year! Thanks for dropping by! :)

mOkO cHaN_~ said...

Hey that was so deep! All I can say is that now that you are growing up, this is the good time to do things and jump out on your boundaries. It's never wrong to do something new and discovering something else because that is a part of persons life. ^^

Rhaingel said...

Moko chan_~: As I have told you so. I was too overwhelmed that I dig so deep. No more boundaries. No more limitations. I am living my life at its fullest. Thanks for dropping by! :)

Rena said...

Nice post, Rhaingel. I'm enjoying reading your entries. I can relate to what you said about it being exhausting to be the last thing on someone's mind when all you do is think about them. I've had that happen to me recently, and it's a sad feeling. I hope 2009 is a wonderful year for you. Good luck with everything you do and strive for. God bless.

VoN_HanYu said...

Hello Ms. Rhaingel. It's my first time to read one of your posts but from the first stanza I've been captivated by your words. You truly are something :] Your post makes me question the way I live my life- and that's something that doesn't happen everyday. I think I'll write something now. Thanks a lot ^^

Rhaingel said...

RENA: I am glad to know that you had fun reading this post. It's really a sad feeling and so in order to be not sad, a resolution will be a change in the level of your priorities. I am wishing you a happy 2009 too. May God bless you in everything you do. :)

VON_HANYU: Hello! First of all, I want to thank you for reading my post. It is always nice to know that you are being read. Second, I am happy that you will be writing again. I make it a point that every post I make has some realizations in it so that it will help my readers, too. Hey, thanks for following! :)