There is something uncanny about this night that drove me typing and pouring everything into this word pad. The truth is that, whether you would like to believe it or not, I am always trying my best to make the posts in here just light, something that won’t bother or give you the hard feelings when you read but I am a drama queen and to dramatize everything is my business. As much I want to live in that happy valley where people eat rainbows and poop butterflies, I can’t. I live in a world of mirages and confusions. I am struggling inside and to write is the best way I saw and knew to lessen my burden—to at least spend the night typing and not crying and ending up with popped eyes in the morning. This isn’t the right time to realize things and tolerate paranoia. This is not the right time to bring back those same fears I once defeated. I can hardly help it.
These things prove me that I am too immature to live alone in the second floor of a boarding house with no one to scold me when I am going crazy. My life here is messy. That is how I was made. I guess, there are just certain times when things seem to gulf me wholly and I don’t know if I am being too over reacting because people ask, “Really?” when I say, “I am okay”. They say that there is something sarcastic about those smileys I sent them and something cynical with the way I deliver those happy words. I smile and act like nothing is wrong. They say that it’s called putting everything aside and simply being strong but hell! Who are they calling strong when all the while I don’t want my tears to fall for the fear of not being able to stop them at all?
I am hurt, bothered and scared all at the same time. This is not the case when I am frustrated about something. I am just shocked about things that struck me in the morning. Perhaps, that is the last thing I thought was happening. Perhaps, I was too blinded by my emotions that I wasn’t able to foresee what’s happening while I am smiling alone. Perhaps, it was just me who felt that everything was right when all the while there is someone struggling. I pity myself for being too sightless. This is more than the pain I get from falling from ice skating, a lot more painful even if you combined it with pricking needles. I am thinking about those sleepless nights I encountered when I was small and innocent. I cannot sleep because of the cheating my playmates and I did. How I wish that those are still the things I am dealing with tonight. My fears, during those times where fears of losing and receiving insults and taunts from my playmates. My fears also rely on scraping my knees or landing on my hips. Now, my fears are all about losing not games but losing the people that matter most in my life. I'm afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens. It’s a cycle I am bound to live with everyday of my life.
Sorry if this post makes you want to comment me and say, “I am sorry to hear about that” or “I hope you’ll eventually get better”. I know that I am devastating other people because of this personal stuff. I am really sorry. It isn’t my intention to ruin other people’s day. I just want to unburden myself even for a post of six hundred and twenty-seven words.
January 27, 2009