Friday, January 09, 2009

My Top Ten Worst Feelings

I was in a jeepney when I thought of making a blog post about those worst feelings I had. I am not sad, neither I am frustrated. It’s just that I am in the mood for reminiscing those things. I know that in this cruel world, I should just be reflecting about those happy and nice things, something that will save me from the brink of despair but I cannot let this eat me out. I have to write it and tell the world. These are the top ten worst feelings I had:

10. Appearing so trying-hard just to explain to people what I really feel when all the while and no matter how I elaborate further, no one understands me the way I want to be understood.

9. Being angry with a long-time friend for all his faults but because we are so much intact with each other and I cannot manage to stay angry with him, I end up destroying myself with that rage I put aside my veins.

8. Planning up thrilling activities for a particular day, being sleepless the night before the grand day because of so much excitement and preparing myself after waking up only to find out that it won’t push through because my friends have decided to back themselves out.

7. Seeing his friendster account and his photos with his girlfriend and thinking that it could have been me and it could have been us only if I knew how to be expressive enough in order to keep him and make him feel that he is important to me.

6. Doing my best for a Math exam up to the point that it did not left me with my sanity and I did not left any pessimism for myself and I greatly expected that somehow, everything will be okay while answering those questions only to find out that I will gloriously fail.

5. Being proud of myself that I was able to forget someone I loved from the past then turning on the radio and hearing the song we used to sing when we were still together then ending up hugging my knees and crying in the corner, realizing that I simply learned to live my life without him but still stupid and crazy in loving him.

4. Convincing myself that at the end of the day, everything will simply fall back to their respective places, whispering ‘Cheer up!” and expecting that there will still be some reasons to be happy then end up realizing that I fooled no one but myself.

3. Missing someone who is not away from me. He’s with me but then I feel that there lies something unusual, it’s like there’s something wrong but there’s actually none. It’s like there is something missing but I don’t know what it is and it’s very difficult to search for something when I don’t know what it is that I am actually searching. My usual resolution? Just reminisce the yesterdays when I feel perfectly fine.

2. Saying “I am okay” when what I really meant is that “I am jealous on her because she makes you happy, too and I fear that you’ll develop the love you once had for her and what shall happen to me if that happened? I want to keep you as endless as forever and I don’t want anyone to stop that thing. Sorry if I am being so possessive and jealous. Sorry if I am beginning to interfere with your life. Sorry because I am kind of insecure towards everyone. I just don’t want to lose you.”

1. Causing someone very special to be sad and worried when all the while I promised myself that he will be the last person I’ll hurt or be unkind to and causing his bright eyes to be full of uncertainties and lose its sparkles when I am striving hard to make him the happiest person in the world.


The Rambler said...

awww Rhiangel~I know it's reflection but you make me want to give you a big hug and say this world sucks butt sometimes, but it's part of our journey....((HUG))

Er, and I've certainly felt the same feelings you've listed.

Rena said...

I think it's healthy to look back and examine bad feelings. It helps you grow as a person, become stronger and learn from your mistakes.

My husband looks back at things with regret -- coulda, shoulda, woulda. I'm more the opposite and try to look at what's going on right now or what's to come. Sometimes we balance each other out, other times we just frustrate one another.

Anonymous said...

This is a great blog entry because it reveals your true feelings -openly and honestly. That can be hard to do. I find alot of pain in here. There are things that are still tearing at you. I find sadness, loss, loneliness, even anger and rage - yet there are Good Things like Love, Concern for Others, Insight... I know you will find healing.
It takes time. Sometimes alot more time than you think. Life is difficult --no question! How do we deal with the isolation or the suffering of times like these? Especially the stage of your life that you are currently in? It will get better though - Watch! One day you'll look back on your 'youth' here and realize you were only in transition - the best is yet to come. I can 'see' it, can't you? There, on the horizon my friend...
Rabies Warrior

Rhaingel said...

THE RAMBLER: Thank you so much. It's purely reflection. I don't know what I felt but I am kind of sure that it's just a look back... just that. I wrote it because I want my readers to reflect, too. Thanks for dropping by! :)

RENA: You're right about that. That made me want to do everything just to not experience that again. I think you and your husband are really compliments. It makes you learn from each other. I look back at things but not regret those. Somehow, it's very vital to my well-being. :)

RABIES WARRIOR: Those are real feelings... really came from my heart. I found it quite easy because most of these feelings are already done. I am currently healing those wounds from yesterday. It took me time just to overcome those. I can also see that the best is yet to come. I know that the sunrise is there and with that, I am so much thankful! :)

b luis grey said...

What are your 10 most happy moments?

Rhaingel said...

B LUIS GREY: it's coming. :)

batangnars said...

wow rhiangel!..nakakarelate ako dito:)

Rhaingel said...

I am glad that you are able to relate and see yourself somehow, in this post :D