Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Week: Smitten

I was reflecting how my week was and I had a spoonful of realizations. It is as if my mind increased its volume and has expanded once more. It started last Sunday and I am ending it today, Saturday, when I had the longest Saturday ever.

Second week of school was better than the first. I am glad that somehow, optimism is again sinking into me. It’s nice that even if some things just don’t follow the path I laid out for it, still, I end up being contented with everything that happened because after all, that was more than what I need. They say "Count your blessings" and I am listening to them.

SUNDAY. It was a Math day, 24 hours of Math stuff just because I know how desperate I am just to pass our second Math exam. It's a must and it’s a hard thing for me to do. I don’t find pleasure in reviewing those things but for a moment, I realized that if I cannot do it for myself, then I might as well do it for others, particularly for the people who trust me to do better this time. I cannot give them greater disappointments. Pressure- that is.

MONDAY. It was a day I spent with friends. I know that tomorrow was the big horrific day. I am aware that tomorrow’s going to test my patience and my hopefulness again. I kind of felt that I was going to fail again. I don’t want to fool myself by convincing that I know that much to be able to answer those questions I still see as senseless. Then it occurred to me that if I know that I am going to fail, I should fail gloriously. Whatever the result of the exam may be, it will be okay for I know that I did everything and if I wasn’t able to pass it, then I’ll have no regrets. There is no “if I just tried harder”.

TUESDAY. Then the big day came. While I was answering the questions, there is this little voice which tells me that I cannot, that I know nothing regarding those questions but still I tried for the quote says that “A man who tries everything and gets nothing is better than a man who gets everything with trying nothing.” I was contented when I passed my exam forward. I know that I was going to flunk and that may hurt but what can I do? I already did everything. I spent the afternoon being the happiest person in the world. I spent it with the one I love and care for the most, never minding about that Math exam. (Past is past, right?) We went into a park and just admire the cool breeze blowing a river towards our feet while I feel his warm arms around me. My Tuesday was very ironic for the start of the day was a disaster and the end was perfect. I’ve done those things I’ve never tried before and I cannot handle another happiness for I was bursting. I felt like I’ve finally found life and to leave it would be death. I felt so blissful to have finally found that thing I’ve searched for so long and was so scared that it might go away. We were heading the carnaval only to found out that it's gone. Their contract has expired and I won't be able to ride the cable car I was always admiring from afar. There was no hard feelings at all. There were no spots of hate or frustrations. Instead, we went for another walk, quite long yet straight to his heart. I realized that nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever be compared to the sweetness I feel whenever we walk and hold hands and just see each other’s face despite of the other people surrounding us. The feeling to ride a cable car or a ferris wheel is nothing compared to the feeling I have whenever I hear him say that he loves me and nothing is much more better than that than feeling that he actually does. I realized that nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever be compared to the spark I see only in his eyes and that distinct joy that only happened that day, that moment, when we reminisced our childhood by playing in that swing and seesaw while I was wondering where he had been all of my life. (sigh) See how hard I fell for him?

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