Friday, February 20, 2009

Go Ahead, Talk about Me

If there was one thing that struck me today, it is about being myself then ignoring the rest. Being true is the happiest thing you’ll thank yourself for and being pretentious is the worst torture you can ever do to yourself. Happiness is never dictated by what others think of me. For sure, I am concerned about the impressions I do make to people but I still believe that the people who matter don’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter.

For years, I’ve been living with eyes around me, eyes which constantly look at what I am doing and are more concerned about my shortcomings rather than the good things I’ve done. For years, that set-up has been alright. It has given me enough challenges to be a better person and eventually a lot better than who they are. With my family and true friends’ encouragements, I know that I may not be perfect but I am not everything they accused me to be. Judgments about me are what make me and my life interesting. I don’t know why... but whenever someone says something about me without even trying to know if what she/he sees is concrete, I feel bad for seconds then I bounce back, leaving behind all those judgments that made me felt bad once in my life. After all, they are mere words and though they may hurt, I know myself better than they do. I know what I am doing and whom I am doing it for. Though at times I feel senseless, I still got reasons, reasons that they care not to ask and dare not to know. I cannot help but be affected though it is very clear to me that I don’t live to please them. I want to fight back and tell all of them, “Hey, get to know me first then I’ll be ready to accept whatever it is that you notice in me,” and tell them perhaps that what they see isn’t always what they get. It seems unfair, very unfair yet to be silent is the best way to deal with things like this. After all, to prove them wrong is one thing. To make the world know that they are wrong is another.

I may not be very good and I consider myself as Little Miss Attitude. At some point in my life, I admit, that I get out of control and irresponsible but in such way I do see things differently. Because of that, I realized the value of freedom and the independence it requires for it to function efficiently. I realized all the duties I have and consequences of my actions. I care for my family and friends more than I do for myself and so it somehow gives me the pain to know that I am influencing them badly. I want them to be happy and have the best in life. Whether or not you would like to believe it, I try to change for them so that they’ll have enough reasons to be proud of me and I’ll have that twinkling satisfaction that I was able to impress majority of the people whom I had an encounter with. Maybe not all but majority. I am concerned about my parents who tried to work things out for my sister and me though everything is as complex as imaginary numbers. The way I see it, whenever I am judged, they are being judged too for they are the people who made efforts of making me someone who’ll have that reputation everyone aims to have. I am the product of their blood and sweat and if I am to be judge, I don’t want it to sound like they were not able to raise me well. That’s below the belt. That’s a different thing.

When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a stranger at all. I know where I’ve been and how I was raised. I know why I am this way. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I just wonder if those people who judge me even tried to examine me closely. I bet not. For if they did, somehow, it won’t be that awful after all.


lucas said...

this is post amplifies my background music now... do you know i don't want to be by gavin degraw? :)

have a nice day!

Rhaingel said...

Actually, I don't but I will be knowing about that now. as in now. Have a nice day, too. :D