Friday, February 20, 2009

I am Failing

Tonight, I allowed myself to have a mission: to write what cannot be written.

Since I officially confirmed that this blog is my therapy, I was and am still hoping that it will release all those negative ideas and feelings I have at the moment. Now I find myself talking about miracles, talking about the impossible. Tonight’s mission is unattainable and so is the thing I am hoping for.

My chemistry class this morning concerns about solutions and I wished silently that I am a solvent of any form and I can dissolve all those solutes that affect my normal and happy routine. I wondered if I am a supersaturated solution which can no longer disband and dissolve those solids that make my fluidity impure. I was, as I’ve always been, dealing with things which are supposed to be dealt with intellect and not with emotions. I was interpreting things differently.

A bowl of instant noodles is what satisfied me this evening. I mean, satisfied in terms of fullness of the stomach. Somehow, it made me reflect again as I am always doing with things. I do live in an instant world where everything seems to be fast and easy but hell, the real world is something which is always in its slow motion and often seems endless. Problems in real world are not solvable by pouring boiling water in it and waiting for three minutes for it to be ready. The thought about instant things and how they make our lives easier is something that fools us everyday. After all, I still ate the noodles I prepared for myself and ended up thinking if ever there exist such thing as an instant negative feeling remover. If ever there is one, I’ll be purchasing it whatever the cost is. I just find it very useful for my immature world. It seems like a must for a drama queen like me.

I want to talk about the rest of the day and things like traffic, election, what if’s and oatmeal but I am just tired to do so. I don’t have such energy to cheer people up with my posts. Thinking what happened today and what occurred to me really gives me the stress and the loneliness. Again, I am weak and emotionally unstable. When I look in the mirror, I see a green monster. Still, I cannot find the right words to write what cannot be written, particularly those thoughts which almost killed me a while ago. I cannot talk about them now. I may explode, warning. Thanks to pain-killers and comfort foods. Once again, they never let me fall.

Nevertheless, it’s Friday tomorrow and I am finally heading home, to the place where I really belong, my real sanctuary, and my real eiderdown. I can unleash everything there and end up crying with my caring mom beside me, reminiscing the time when wounded knees is what I am crying about then give me sound advices which are always the best things to do. Three hours to go and I’ll be welcoming a new day that is supposed to be better, I wish. Things will mend themselves again someday, I guess, for everything usually ends up that way. I just don’t know when is that someday. I hope that it’s pretty soon. I cannot let others be damaged as how I am already.

--Rhaingel
02/20/09
9:00 PM

2 comments:

Rena said...

I hope you have a good trip home.

Rhaingel said...

@Rena:

I had. Thank you so much! :D