Sunday, February 01, 2009

My Week: Fears and Inferiorities

If there is one thing I’ve learned about this week, it is the fact that never will the world stop just to wait for my recovery. I am not that special. Things will rush their way towards the end and if I don’t act quickly, they’ll be gone. The last week of January 2009 seemed as though it was a large whale on the blue sea swallowing me wholly. I must add that the past week challenged me personally, drained all of my energy and tested my emotional stability. I think I failed those tests and I can live with that.

SUNDAY was an early hell week for me. Though there are few post-it notes yet, I made myself busy for some reasons which are still quite confusing for me. I was supposed to be busy during Tuesday, Wednesday at Thursday but I punished myself early. I started to review my Math lessons and did the Machine Exercises which never fail to make me frustrated.

MONDAY was a good start, though. If there is one thing that made me say, “I love this week!” it is Monday. Though it seemed busy at first as it always does, I found myself that day in a safe haven. That day was a reminder into something that makes me smile. I reminisced my childhood by playing children games with a friend and someone who means so much to my life. I’ll never forget about lying in the middle of the field, bare foot, pointing into the stars and seeing them fade one by one as I look deep into his eyes. Neither will I forget about laughing my heart out while carried by him and me trying so hard to reach for the light. I wondered if any feeling is greater than that and I realized that there is none. It made me realize that life is easy because there exists an angel who will join me in all of my journeys. It made me wish that I had a time-stopper, something that will make us stay in that moment forever, no worries, no other things except innocence we once knew and love for the world but as twilight paved its way, the day has to end and what’s left are my silent wishes for that moment to repeat itself.

TUESDAY was a day of mission. It was kind of opposite with Monday but nevertheless, still memorable in a sense that I learned a lot from certain things. It was a busy day. Tomorrow is full of exams while the laundry basket is overflowing with used clothes, clothes that remind me about the beautiful yesterday. I tried to cheer up but remembering what he said and what he realized (see 627 post) simply makes me regretful for some things I wished to said but know not how. I was bothered and fearful for losing the person who matters most in my life. I suddenly became paranoid that he is just waiting for the right timing to say “goodbye” to me. I was afraid to have my fragile heart broken. At the same time, I felt like I was useless because I cannot make him feel that he is the most special part of my life, that he can do nothing and yet he will still be my everything: my dream, my prayer, my song, my love. I wanted to show him that he is doing more than enough and that I don’t see any of his flaws because no one will be more deserving for my love than him. I cannot encourage him to fight his inferiority and that is one thing because he made me fly and soar high and believe in myself especially when no one does but he still see himself as someone substandard. I don’t know what to say though words circle my mind. I felt like I was worthless, that I am not someone worth fighting for, that I was not someone whom he can address those words, “I am not going to let go whatever happens and no matter how difficult things may appear,” and it’s very difficult whenever that mood strikes and I have to study conjectures concerning Philosophy and nuclear energy for Physics.

3 comments:

HOPELESSBELIEVER said...

Hello my friend, it seems u have been dealing with lots of emotional issues lately. It can be so hard sometimes, I remember being your age, and all of those heavy emotions, fears, doubt, self-image, it is a lot to deal with. Wish I had some words of wisdom, but u really just have to live and learn. I've left u something on my blog. I hope u will come get it :) Try to take it easy, things will work out, God's timing is always perfect :) take care,
Julian :)

Rena said...

I loved the picture you put with this post!

Rhaingel said...

@Hopelessbeliever: Hi! You're right. I have been in my downfalls the past days. I am glad that I am so much happy now. I am finally over those! :D

@Rena: Thanks so much! :D