Monday, February 23, 2009

My Week: An Underpass

Wednesday, being the indicator of the middle of my week was a down point for me. I admit that I am being too immature at times. I cannot help it and though I try to set aside jealousy in my life, I cannot do something but embrace it. I’ve been living with it for months and it triggered me a lot last Wednesday. Maybe because I allowed my mischievous imagination play on me that I almost forgot that some things are supposed to be staying right under my feet and not penetrating on my skull. I reached my peak of tolerating my jealousy and I thought that it’s the most I can feel but I was wrong for in the latter part of the week, I realized that emotions don’t have any peak at all. Sometimes, you believe that you’ll never be more jealous than you are then you end up with even worse feelings. Foolish life! I know that Morrie said that once you felt it, you have to detach yourself from that emotion but I cannot. I simply find it very difficult.

Thursday got even worse. I ended up damaging myself and others who matters most in my life. I went to school, leaving behind the pain of yesterday but as soon as I was reminded about that sentiment, I wanted to go back to the womb of my mother where I can feel all the security I am dying to have. I was out of control, not in a good sense but to the point that I felt my nerves exploding. I was obviously destructing myself. I cannot smile, not even a bit and I cannot cheer myself up. I cannot focus on my Chemistry neither on Math and all I wanted to do at that time was go to the ends of the Earth and shout out all those negative feelings I had, hoping that somehow everything will improve. I wanted to cry to at least lighten those burdens on my shoulder but it seems like annoyance dominates me more. I really was out of control and I was kind of concerned about the decisions I am making for I made the worst decisions in my life during the time that I was infuriated or any of the like. The destruction doubled for I saw that I was affecting people around me. They are joining my drama, aspiring to be stars under those curtains with me. I wanted to be okay or at least appear as one but I really can’t. I don’t want to fool myself.

Friday was kind of long and I will divide it in two parts. First, it became the worst of the week. I became the most jealous of all the people. I felt like I was being challenged emotionally and I just cannot accept that after I opened myself to a chosen one, things will get worse. I unleashed some of my emotions in a place where people walk by. I wanted silence. I wanted isolation and somehow, those hushed steps of people are enough to remind me that I still do exist and I am still concrete and tangible. Now I know why the “heartbreak point” in UP Diliman is called such. It’s a place where you can mend your broken heart when everything and everyone seemed to fail. It’s a place perfect for some reflections and a little of self-pity. I realized that I was failing as a person. My mom is worried about sending me into a relatively far university to study because she is worrying about my health. I must say that her worries have good points. I was failing my major subject which received the most of my attentions among my subjects. Though I feel like I was failing gloriously, it’s the same. I am still failing and I am bound to repeat it. I was acting childish for the past days and I bothered people who are supposed to be simply happy with their lives. That is what I did in return to the countless moments of happiness they shared with me. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was impaired and that I felt how to fail… I don’t know how to get back my track. I was so sorry for myself.

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