Saturday, February 21, 2009

Soul-Searching

I passed across that same thing where she used to stand almost all the time. Every time I pass across it, I am kind of frightened. What if she already changed? What if she looks different now? What if she isn’t there anymore?

The horror doubles after seeing her and realizing how she changed a lot. I know that she is always there. Maybe she lives there. Maybe she shows up when she knows that I am looking. I am actually not sure about it.

She still looks like the same child I used to know and play with, the child who loves pink lollipops with yellow and purple dangling bracelet and with dirty feet from playing on the ground. Though there are few differences, I know that she is still the same person I used to know. Oh how she changed a lot I can never believe! The innocence in her eyes was all gone though I can still see a lot of points of immaturity. Her eyes are now expressing different things. Sometimes they are vibrant and appealing that it makes sunshine of its own and other times it’s dull and gray, like raindrops kissing the dead leaf of a plant. Her smile is still the same though braced and sometimes fake, genuineness still linger in those smiles. It’s not anymore pure for some of her smiles have hidden intentions, intentions full of reasons she sees as valid. Her feet now aren’t as dirty as they were a long time ago. Her hands are now calloused and tired for she spends most of her waking hours using her hands. She still seems to be fascinated with rainbows and butterflies and during the night, I occasionally catch her waiting for shooting stars and wishing directly from her heart.

There are no more wounded elbows or scraped knees, only bruised arms she got from stupidly bumping into the door. Her legs aren’t as smooth and aren’t as sexy as Britney’s legs yet she uses them to walk around the building of her school and to play the sports which make her sweat and therefore reminds her that she is alive. Her hair is her crowning glory. It’s still long yet with adulterations. It has been damaged by the sun, by her CAT class, by the pressure of time.

I eventually decided to go back to my desk and accomplish the papers I have to pass. Somehow, I felt like I’ve stared at her for so long but I am glad that she wasn’t irritated at all. In fact, I saw that she appreciated the fact that there is a person like me who spend some time analyzing her. Maybe she finds it difficult to analyze herself. They call my act of looking at her as vanity but I see it as an examination of how she had been lately and if ever she improved or not. At some point, whenever I see her smiling, I feel so light that I could float into heaven. I feel happy for her. On the other hand, whenever I see her in her low spirits, I feel the urge to cheer her up and remind her about the good times when her smile can no longer be handled by her face. I feel exactly what she feels. She seemed to be going somewhere, too, for as I was going to my desk, she was heading to the same direction only she had a different world. I wonder about her world there inside the mirror. Is it as painful and cruel compared to the world where I am living? Maybe yes because I see the burden in her shoulders, the pressure in her head, the failures in her eyes and the little wounds in her heart.

I wonder why I can see her soul whenever I look at her. I don’t know her that well but she seems familiar, very familiar.

4 comments:

Kalei said...

Love it! I sometimes won't look in a mirror for days, I don't like to analyze "inner" self too much. I feel that is what I do. I am happy with who I am, but I just have kept from taking "me" time....I hope you know you are a wonderful writer. =)

I have to tell you thank you for comments to the 100 Post, which accidentally pre-posted early due to my error =) I reposted today, and you are still tops on the entries for the Blanket. I am sorry for the mix up. I also changed the 100 Blog Club Button so it can be read in a sidebar. Thanks for your support you have shown me so far....I really do appreciate it!

lucas said...

this is a very engaging read :)

people change and their surroundings change too that somehow they forget the people who they used to be and find it hard to find time to reflect.

this a reflection poetically written. kudos!

Brent said...

great writing. it's so vivid and reflective that it makes me feel. the imagery of the wounded elbows and knees reminded me a lot of my own friends growing up. thanks for the comment.

Rhaingel said...

@KALEI:
Thanks for dropping by here and reading some posts. I think we are kind of opposite. I spend most of my time trying to know myself. Until now, I haven't achieve success in my plans. Thanks for all of the compliments. Congratulations again to your 100th post. :D

@LUCAS:
First, thank you so much for reading and for commenting. I like to reflect about the changes that occurred to me and to poetically write it is a challenge. Thanks again! :)

@BRENT:
Thanks for the comment, too. I am glad that you liked it. It encouraged me a lot. :)