Friday, March 20, 2009

Confessions of a Drama Queen

A wicked skin and closed mind, I sat by the window and watch happy people with no worries and insecurities at all. I feel cold and shivering but perspiration lines in the arch of my back. I weep silver tears with a shot of broken heart that is chased with fear. Swelling eyes, ruined hair and red nose, an ugly little face filled with bitterness on life. This is my verve and sometimes I get happy, sometimes I get mad but most of the times, I get sad and until now, I am still trying to figure out how that could be. I don’t get the answer usually and I put myself to an endless sleep. For in sleeping, dreams seem to be happier than how things are. For in sleeping, I am in a situation I prefer and there are no heartaches allowed to enter. There is this powerful boundary that separates dreaming and living. Dreaming is living with a happy ending and with no tragedies and agonies. Everything is right. Everything is right under control.

There are still things which I am not quite sure if they are real. What matters most is that I instantly give in to my feelings, surrendering my emotions, planting bombs inside my heart and counting seconds off. I sob with the music and I cry with the wind. I listen to the water flowing and emote there instead. I tolerate self-pity and allow jealousy. This is my life and this is what I am good at. I watch comedy shows and after laughing so hard, I cry for reasons like I just feel like doing so. I listen to jokes and laugh my heart out upon hearing those but behind those boisterous laughter is a pain that continuously tears my being. Senseless. Pointless. I know.

They call me Little Miss Drama Queen and my features are too overwhelming for an ordinary mind to comprehend. No one understands me. Well, I don’t understand myself, too. Silence is my friend and crying has been my hobby. I lie back at night with the full moon overhead and stars nearly approaching my eyes causing me to create a lake of tears in my pillow. After waking up, things are different and drama stays on my room, left there, alone. My eyes are all dried and lips craving for water that dehydrated me throughout the night. Nobody knows I am miserable with my life maybe because of the laughter I give them or because of the sarcastic smile that they see and therefore tells them I am okay. Never did they see the pain in my eyes and that’s okay. I can deal with that by myself.

…and yes, I now confess that I am both happy and sad and perhaps, that sounds impossible but that is really the case. That kind of condition exists. I know that I am making pointless dramas but that is how I live and that is how my life has been. I don’t regret any of those for in my emotions, I found who I truly am. My life has been meaningful because of the inane dramas I created and because of the people I bothered because of these sentiments. Fears are my food and worries are what make me interesting. I tell people that life is too short to be anything but happy and I tell myself that life is too short to not experience all these senseless emotions.

Writing. Crying. Making big deals out of really small things. Sleeping. Waking up and smiling. That is how my life runs. Listening to music. Watching the television. Playing solitaire. Reading messages. Thinking about what’s happening and dealing with what I truly feel towards it. Damn! Everything is swallowing me. When I was young, they didn’t tell me that life can be this complicated. Let my alter ego do the job of making things right and light.

5 comments:

lucas said...

very well done :)

you have an intimate relationship with words, rhaingel. i almost could see your heart through the words you weave...

The Rambler said...

I'm always in awe of your writing.

xoxo

Rhaingel said...

@LUCAS: Thank you so much! I think, products of writing are good only if the writer is sincere with what she/he wrote. Thank you for appreciating this :)

@THE RAMBLER: Thank you so much! xoxo :)

cyndirellaz said...

alam mo ganoon din ako minsan, minsan nga din ako na mismo ang gumagawa ng drama ng buhay ko dahil ang buhay ko ay umiikot lang sa iilang bahay. well life is how we make it, tayo ang may hawak nun, kung gusto mo maging masaya o maging malungkot. it's just all in your hands!

Rhaingel said...

@Cyndirellaz:

hello! salamat sa pagdaan. sadyang maarte at madrama eh. haha. siguro kasi, hindi pa ako ganoon ka mature. someday, tatawanan ko lang lahat ng ito. :)