Sunday, March 22, 2009

Disturbia

Straight from the bed, I sat in front of the computer trying to tell my readers how unprepared I am for the week and how irresponsible I am to choose to write instead of solve. Today marks a hell week for every student in my university. Everyday, until Friday, I’ll allow my brain to be squeezed up through numerous examinations in different subjects. I know that it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard and I have honest imaginations that I won’t be here to write next week for reasons like too much frustrations or stress. I hope that I am wrong. What I want is just celebrate the weekends: go to the mall and window shop there, go to fancy restaurants and eat until I double my size, go to the salon and have my nails painted, go home and listen to some of my audio books concerning self-esteem and relaxation, allowing myself to be detached from my chaotic world. Now that the sem’s almost done I am feeling the same feeling I had last October only that it’s a lot heavier this time around.

There is a sense of peace in just staying at home where breakfast is served as soon as my mom hears me breathe differently. It’s more than the laziness that I don’t want to go to my classes. This is something concerned with my self-image and how I respect myself because I know that I have goals and I am committed to my goals. I don’t want to realize that I am not the kind of person I worked myself to be. For me, to go to school will simply give me the frustrations. I know that I haven’t done my best and it is too late to do so and I am scared that I might have regrets later on. I see going to school as something like going to a battle unarmored. (Sigh) how I wish these are all over.

My alter ego is telling me to stop writing now because I am too sad and whenever I am sad, I make sad posts, too. That’s normal and that’s trivial, something all bloggers do consciously or unconsciously but I just need to know if ever people had similar experiences like mine or it was just me because commonly, they have similar experiences and I will figure out that it’s okay to feel this way and this is part of adolescence. I don’t know if ever somebody else ever felt like that… that last night, I listened to some hypnosis because I wanted to sleep for a thousand years and wake up during the time that no one actually knows me and I have to start all over again or just not exist even though I already do, those sort of things. I think wanting to be like that is very melancholic and morbid but I choose it rather than this feeling. I want it whenever I feel like this. This is the reason why I just want to sleep and focus my attention to other lighter things. I am trying my best not to think about Math and about other exams. The thought disturbs my being. I want everything to stop spinning but that’s impossible. Maybe something is really wrong with me but I don’t know what that is and I cannot point out where.

I have roughly four hours before the true inner disturbance begin. Four hours is too short to stop everything and make some last-minute changes and too long because I know that it will continuously bug me. I have a couple of ideas how things will run for me and I am too scared to admit that those are actually possible. It’s very painful to admit that for all these years, I am failing in my life and I am not happy with it. I hate how uncertainties block my vision of seeing great things. I hate how uncertainties cause me to lose some of my sanity and cause me to be a different person. I hate how I become very positive some times but extremely negative at times like this. I feel like I’ve fallen and I just can’t get up.

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