Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Just Another Random Post

It's already the later half of March and I haven't reach even a half of my target posts per month which is twenty. I don't want to change my goal. I already set it up and to change that only means that I cannot fulfill things which I laid in front of me to accomplish. It means that I can dream big but achieve only a little. You may say that it's just a post and it's just a blog and hey, I am once again exaggerating things. When did I did not? I can come back anytime soon after I am done with those obligations I have in school, in our home and with myself. I know that there is so much about life that deals beyond writing and thoughts but I'll answer you that there is also more than those posts. I told and promised myself that I will write a minimum of twenty posts per month. That was a vow though there are no contracts and such things. Excuses like laziness, busy about stuffs and lack of thoughts are all sharing that space between the section of invalid. I know that of I reason out those things, I am just wasting my ample energy. When I say I will do something, it actually means that I will do everything to accomplish that and if ever I did not, I'll lose trust on myself. That means something serious. If I won't trust myself, who is going to trust me then?

“How's life?” the very question that people ask me and I ask usually. I remember myself asking others that similar question but I did not just ask in order to break the silence or any of the like. I asked because I want to know the answer. I am curious whether the one I ask is happy or not, whether he/she has a problem on which I can help or whether or not there is an event which shall took place in the near future. Friends which I don't have a regular connection with bump me in the road and ask me this and usually I answer seriously, like you can quote some lines and send it to the local news paper or use it in your drama play. I know that they may not care about my answer. I know that they may not mind this and they just want to say something not as random as “What is the name of your pet?” or “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?” but I still see this question as a key to soul-search yourself (again). “How's life?” can mean “Were you busy lately?” or “How are you feeling now?”. It can say, “What happened yesterday and last week?” and “Is there anything bothering you right now?”. Most of the times, when asked, I say, “I am okay,” if I really am followed by, “School is tough and I am busy like hell,” in order to tell him/her what I am busy at and though I may be busy, still, I am satisfied with my life and everything is right and under control. Other times, I say, “I am okay” then I'll show a face which shouts, “I have a problem but because I am naturally sarcastic, I am telling you that I am okay. Wait! If you are going to ask me again, I am going to change my answer. Therefore, ask me again” and people seem to read my mind because they will ask if I am sure and that can lead into a long conversation. Sometimes, I get lonely for the people who had been really close to my heart on the past are asking me the question but they don't care about the answers. They just ask me because they have nothing else to ask. They just ask me because nothing seems to be wrong in asking that. It's safe and it's surely effective to make the other person respond. That is the perfect question to ask to your friend who was gone for some Jurassic years and you'll squeeze her/him out if you keep on being curious.

“How's life?” Well, I don't know how life has been for me lately. I have an idea and I almost know how was it but I still don't get it fully. There are gaps of misunderstandings and gaps brought by secrets which are meant to destruct oneself. There are certain things that my comprehension just cannot sink into and the situation I have is one of those. Perhaps, some things are really not for analyzing. It's just there, never minding you so never mind it, too. I want to believe that it's just being busy and occupied and there are no negative emotions involve. It sounds tough and somehow, I feel like I am failing in all aspects of my life for the first time. I try not to be depressed. I try to cheer up and convince myself that everything will still end up alright and though it sounds impossible, I can still fool myself about this. At some point, I can say that I am still okay. I won't write here and be back for some time if I am not, and thank goodness I still have a little of sanity... yet gazillions of perplexities. I worry about too many things. Actually, I worry about everything.

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