The semester is almost done and I am so much happy that I am still here, alive, breathing and writing. Last semester, I wrote about My Passport to Math 63 and this occurred to me: maybe I won’t be writing a similar post this time. After analyzing myself and what I did, I am certain that I will be failing my Math subject for this semester. I am not proud of it but hiding it and being ashamed of myself will simply worsen the situation. Actually, I already realized that I’ll fail the pre-requisite subject even before the deadline for dropping. Some of my friends asked my why I did not drop the subject though I sensed it coming. Yes, it is a very simple question. An ordinary one, that is. Maybe they are just inquisitive about my reasons but since I just finished a philosopher’s paper about believing, allow me to interleave some exaggeration here and deal with the issue philosophically.
I had a forced option, something which is highly unavoidable: to drop Math 63 or not to drop. To drop it means that I will repeat the subject. To not drop it means that I am to repeat it if I wasn’t able to make a passing grade. Either way, I’ll repeat it but the difference is the grade I’ll have. To drop it means that I’ll have a “DRP” in my transcript. It won’t be included in my general weighted average and won’t pull my grades down. To not drop it means that I’ll be having a “5” as my grade and that is the lowest. It’ll pull all of my grades and it will cause me to have a lower average.
I did not drop the subject for some reasons. First, I did not find any sensible reason for me to drop it. I paid for that subject and to not include it to the subjects I enlisted, took and re-took is being a coward of failing. I know. Nobody wants it and you are getting me wrong if you are thinking that it doesn’t affect me. Actually, it does. Actually, it did. It even caused me sleepless nights for some time. Second, for me, it is not right to drop a subject just because I saw that I am failing. I failed because I took it for granted. I failed it because it already reached my limitations and maybe, my professor was right when he said that Math 63 is sweeter the second time around, like love. I’ll know soon and I’ll tell you. I learned my lessons. Too bad that I learned it too late but enough for the bitterness. This is supposed to be an explanation of why I did not drop the subject.
A month ago, just when students are still thinking and deciding whether they will drop their subjects or not, I found myself on an edge of a cliff where the air is too arctic that staying standing there will make me frozen. To drop the subject is putting all the risks behind me. It’s like staying just there, on the edge and waiting for my poor body to be swallowed wholly by the ice. Yes, I did not jump and try out things. I avoided the failing thing, not to mention that I also avoided the suspense of trying out everything. It’s a momentous kind of choice and I want it to stay momentous rather than trivial. It’s waiting for death to creep on me slowly. Not dropping the subject and going on with it is putting all the risks in front of me. It’s like jumping on that highly elevated land. To jump can mean two things: either I’ll break my bones and I’ll die or I’ll be taught how to fly. I chose to jump and face all the jeopardy. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the perfect timing for me to be taught how to fly and I think that it is a lot better than just standing there and filling myself with senseless what-if’s and could-have-been’s. At least, I won’t be saying the line, “If I was courageous enough….” I’ve always tried things and if I failed, I can always try again and fail better. If I meet the end, I am sure that there is no better end than that. I did and tried everything. Is there any better experience than that?