Monday, April 20, 2009

Bittersweet Longing

I miss our laughter that brings sunshine to my day and makes me forget that there are other people in the world. I miss waking up early and seeing him at the first part of the day. I miss him whenever people keep on asking all about him and if ever we’re seeing each other or even when they don’t, I still got the longing feeling. I miss the way I become so talkative whenever we’re together and talk like there is no tomorrow, negligent about the fluttering time. I miss being quite irresponsible and chatting with him while the professor is discussing and the feeling of deprivation from being too sweet because someone in front and is saying something. Now, I am again seeing what I am missing and what I am loving.

I miss waiting for the “right jeepney” to come and staring at him through the side mirror, admiring how elegant and wonderful life is and what did I do to receive such blessing. I miss teasing him and trying to make him smile through those quite offensive teases then later on say sorry and mean it and be the sweetest lady he can have. I miss the satisfied feeling of seeing him smile and realizing that that sweet thing is because of my continuous effort and telling myself to try even harder the next time because nothing sparkles the way it does whenever he seems happy.

I miss spending lunch with him and waiting patiently on the corner, trying to think about other ways on how I can express my love further. I miss thinking of other things then seeing his footsteps moving slowly towards me then I’ll look up, seeing my love, my life then everything is on fire. I miss saying “It’s up to you” whenever he asks me where I want to eat and realizing that it’s not the food I am after for. It’s actually his company and the happy feeling packaged with it. I miss being jealous with the glass in which he is drinking in because for once, it kissed my moon, my sun, my star, my world, my everything. I miss how he holds my hand after a sumptuous lunch and fighting my tears so that I won’t cry publicly for the joy that I am feeling.

Most especially, I miss being with him and feeling assured whenever he says “It’s okay” or “It shall be okay” even though we both know that we’re hoping for the impossible. I miss the way I suddenly become alright when before seeing him, I was stormed and hopeless. I miss the feeling of safety which is always present when he is around. Now, I got what I want, the satisfied feeling of passing my exam, knowing that if it’s not perfect, it’s near to that but still, I’m weeping silver tears of missing someone. Math isn’t life—that’s one thing my professor told me which I beg to disagree now. It may reflect some parts of life but never will it become life itself, the source of someone’s strength and their weakness itself, the thing or person someone is living for, the sweet inspiration which makes the whole battle and wounds worth fighting for.

I miss how he says my name in that sweet familiar voice and how it devastates my sanity. I miss hearing “I love you” from him and never caring if he meant it or not, as long as I love him and I don’t care if there’s anything to gain back. I miss how he stares at me and how it melts my whole being. I miss missing him when it’s just five minutes ago since we parted ways and missing him still despite the fact that I’m going to see him again tomorrow morning. Sigh. I miss and love everything about him.

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