Thursday, April 09, 2009

Everything Seems Unusual

April 9, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is Maundy Thursday and I just thought that this Maundy Thursday is a lot different from the past Maundy Thursdays I experienced. First, there are a lot of television shows today. When I was young, we go to some relative’s house and eat radish and Indian mango. For the whole day, we sat there, feeling the breeze shaking hands with every strand of our hair. There were no television shows back then. Right now, I am thinking that if I already knew what I know now, maybe I was able to read a book or two than just grumble about boredom and stuff.

Second, before I sat here and write how my day was, I was at a friend’s house. It was actually her debut and I felt so happy for her. I was already home at seven, which my mom saw as my greatest improvement. Lately, I’ve been loving my family more than how I did for the past years. I do not what’s new but I think that I need not to know what’s new. I should just be happy with what I am feeling.

Anyway, speaking of my friend’s party, she was a friend from high school and everyone was there again. The truth is that I felt a little uncomfortable about what’s happening. I felt that there is something unusual about me but I cannot point out where. Nevertheless, to distract myself, I looked at the food and got surprised that there is no rice or pasta. The menu was made up of finger foods and liquors with green, pink, yellow and blue as colors. Maybe that was the main reason why I felt uncomfortable. It is just that everyone else is drinking and laughing and smoking and I just can’t. I just won’t. I felt that I was in a wrong place and a wrong party. Of course, I wasn’t expecting clowns and pink balloons but I was still surprised to see those things that I am watching on television.

After reaching the point that I feel like I am throwing up to see the combination of smoke and sky blue drinks, I decided to go home and read some books or write or just do other stuffs. I approached the birthday celebrant and whispered a birthday wish for her. She just smiled and apologized for she felt that I was out of place. She was right. That wasn’t my life but I did not tell her because I don’t want her to feel bad. I don’t want people to feel bad especially on their birthdays. She kissed me on the cheek and told me that she’ll celebrate her birthday again, the one for non-drinkers and non-smokers like me. I felt ashamed somehow. I know that I was the only non-drinker and non-smoker who went there. I thought that it’s better if I just stayed home and did not went to that party at all. Nevertheless, she was appreciative of my presence and with that, I am also grateful. That is something special and shouldn’t be wasted. I went home and thought about him. It’s just that I am really worried because I know that it was entirely my fault. I bothered people. I bothered him and I feel like my fears are bugging me again. I checked my cell phone. No messages. No calls. I checked my wall paper and I can’t remember what I did just to scare the tears away. I hate it when I fear something but I hate it more when I already was over with that fear until such time that it bugged me again.

Love always,


Rena said...

Awwww, you shouldn't feel bad for being at a party where you're the only one not drinking or smoking. Good for you on those, by the way. Just be you. I'm sure your friend appreciated you being there on her birthday.

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm desperately trying to catch up on blogs and it looks like I've missed so much. I really enjoy reading yours. You write so well. (((HUGS)))

Rhaingel said...


I am not sure if I felt bad because of that. Maybe everything is just swallowing me up and the thing added on my emotion. I don't have any regrets about not drinking and not smoking. I feel proud about that.

It's okay and thanks for the compliments! You have a special power to cheer people up. :)