Friday, April 10, 2009

Random Melancholic Post

April 10, 2009
Dear Friend,

I realized that maybe, I should be reading books and not be affected too much. Learning is enough but being sad because of that is too much. I think I haven’t overcome “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” thing and it feels like my whole life is revolving around it now. I feel like I am Charlie who is confused with life and sad because he realized that everyone is leaving and sometimes, I feel like I am Mary Elizabeth who talk too much and is too insensitive to sense that not everyone is interested to hear my story or sometimes, I feel like I am not in the story but the people I know are connected with the characters like he is Charlie and the girl he loved is Sam but then I came and I ruined the happy ending and so I am watching them and their show.

Today is Good Friday and television shows are out. I think that this time is perfect for reflection. I tried to turn on the radio and the songs were too good that it made me feel nostalgic once again. These were old songs, the kind which my mom knows line by line and I found those songs true and great. It has soul in it. I tried playing solitaire but it just won’t work. I cannot distract myself but I feel like I need to.

I want to open another book and switch my attention to that new book, indulge myself with words, maybe a romance novel by Nicholas Sparks or something like Gossip Girl or Confessions of a Shopaholic, but I just cannot do it right now. I want to finish the cellular phone holder that I am crocheting for weeks but I am just not on the mood to do that now. I feel like I’ll ruin the thing I’ll do if I pushed myself to do it for the sake of distraction. I realized that as much as I am trying to do things now, I just cannot because my focus is on the drama of life and I should not try to pretend or any of the like. I once read that when I am sad, I am sad and I just have to overcome that emotion. That alone is difficult but there is no easy way out. Maybe I have to stop writing now because I am too sad but this can be very therapeutic and my mom is in the office and my sister is busy with her PSP and the person whom I think first whenever I have something to share is so much bothered because of my fault. I have no one to talk with and have nothing to do. Maybe writing is the best way. Maybe writing is the only way because whenever I write, I feel a little relieved. There were times that my feeling got worse because of writing and I cannot tell the effect until I finish this letter.

Anyway, I started writing this letter at one in the afternoon a while ago and I stopped because I got too much emotions. I fell asleep because of thinking and I am so glad I did because there is no other productive thing to do. I woke up just now, nine in the evening, starving for dinner yet no appetite for anything. I read what I have written and thought that it was too much and so I altered some lines and got a bit guilty because this doesn’t contain my exact emotions. Anyway, this is for the best and maybe when I got the chance to read this in the future, I’ll get that some of the lines were removed and most of the lines were altered. I’ll remember the reason why that happened.

Love always,


Rena said...

Sleep is a good thing. I get in those moods where I feel like I have a million things to do, but don't feel motivated to do anything. Sometimes sleep is the best thing you can do for yourself. I hope you're feeling better, Rhaingel.

Rhaingel said...

@RENA: Well, I am better now. At least, better. Thank you for your advice. I slept a while ago and woke up just now, six in the evening... and it actually feels good. Thanks again!