Monday, April 27, 2009

'Twas Better Not to Blink

April 27, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is weird. I feel like I want to do something but I don’t know what it is. You know the feeling when there are so many things you want to talk about and there are so many things that you are planning to do but then, when you start doing these things and when you start talking all about those, you’ll feel very tired and there’s dissatisfaction, like you suddenly figured out that that’s not what you really wanted to do.

Today is Monday, the start of my week and every Monday, I just feel energized. We had our second long examination in Math a while ago and everyone was frustrated. My professor is starting to evolve from an angel to a monster. She is giving us a lot difficult exams, something which requires the course and a comprehensive review. I was frustrated not because of my professor’s transformation. I think that we also need that difficulty in order for us to remain in our next Math course and not fail it again. I was frustrated because there were one or two questions in the exam wherein I thought about the answer when it was ten seconds left. Well, it was too bad for me but still, it was better than what I expected.

I was supposed to celebrate the end of the second part of Math discussions. There are just three to go so on Friday, I can say that I am already half-way from my official vacation. I went to the mall and walked my way there and I though that there isn’t much to do so I just went home but I wasn’t sleepy at all so I just played some computer games repeatedly, still unsatisfied and craving for something I know not. I felt sad… because I was uncomfortable in my own home and I hate that feeling when I cannot do something relaxing or productive. I can’t write my emotions out, I cannot talk to my mom, I can’t play with my sister, I am not happy hearing certain songs, I don’t feel happy upon killing all the monsters and I cannot solve exercises because the new topic will just be introduced tomorrow and I don’t have something to review. I wished that this is just a dream… a big dream, something to prepare me for the day and something to remind me to slay the usual, whatever happens. I went to my bed and started writing this. I told you, there really is nothing to do and if I don’t help myself, I’ll lose my enthusiasm this early. I felt Charlie’s blood of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” flowing in my veins. I wonder how people are feeling tonight and if someone can feel the same way I am feeling, that there are so many things to do that I want to but when I start doing them, I feel very uncomfortable. That’s irritating, a lot more irritating than PMS-ing.

How I really wish that this is just a dream within a dream, that nothing is like what they seem. I prefer to have a very difficult exam than have a less difficult one but me feeling this way. I prefer to have gloomy weathers and muddy slippers than me feeling this way. I prefer to be asleep for the whole day and skip my April 27, 2009 than me feeling this way for the day. Sigh. I hope and pray that this feeling may soon go away.

Love always,
Rhaingel

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