Saturday, May 30, 2009

Senseless. Believe Me.

Oops! Don’t say that you have not been warned. Okay? There are other better posts than this. You can shift your attention now to the right side of this page which says INSCRIPTIONS.

It has been two hours since I sat here, waiting for things, for brilliance, for thoughts. You know, just things to write in here. It has also been two hours of struggle to think if ever I’ll write or not. Yeah, to write or not to write, that is the question. For the sake of writing and being committed to my goals, I wanted to make a post. For the sake of obeying my desires to just rest and isolate myself from some pressure or chaos, I wanted to just lie down and wish that he’s fine and happy.

Amazing photographs and soulful music didn’t make it this time. Pretty pictures where I usually get inspiration were not able to mesmerize me. Nothing appeals to my senses. In addition to that, today has a weather I personally like and events are spontaneous and interesting but it just won’t come. It won’t go on smoothly, like when you’re putting some cream to your face and all of a sudden, you feel a pimple or a bump or an open pore. It’s not coming. I have to force it out in order to produce something… at least something for today.

It has been two hours since I’ve been trying to write and nothing is fashioned, honestly. When I have ideas, I write for minutes. The longest will be fifteen minutes but for this day, two hours… then nothing still. I tried. After some pointless paragraphs, I’ll close MS Word without saving what I’ve done. It’s pointless anyway. I don’t find it attractive. I don’t find any sense in it. I think, for two hours, I’ve done it a gazillion times already. There are unspoken words of un-satisfaction that this scribble doesn’t contain what I need it to contain, that this doesn’t speak of what I need the world to hear. For this day, what I was able to produce on paper is not enough. It’s not even half of what I define as enough. After two hours, I am thinking of going back to solving because I did realize that the primary agenda of my trying to write everyday is for improvement and if in some days, I am not open for any expansion, I’ll close the door and try to open it some other day in which I am willing and open-minded. I realized that it isn’t compulsory in any way. I shouldn’t make it necessary.

Now, my ego is telling me that I am such a stubborn baby. She said that I made a goal to write everyday so I shouldn’t be confused with the to-write-or-not-to-write stuff. After all, this senseless thing is posted to the sake of posting. Just that.

Shut up, ego! I did what you want… for the sake of doing.

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