Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You Must Be Really Special

The struggle was nothing but hard yet all the same. I walk everyday and paint pictures of people in my mind, giving them natural hues and glowing rainbows. Revolving questions left unanswered and I found myself wasting time on primal existence and thinking about the horizon which appears to be a pancake to me, just to be distracted from what I am longing and looking for. I feel so thwarted for all these unspoken words still rattling my skull, no one to talk to, no one to give me the answers and no one to at least, listen. If you were just here… it'll be different... it'll be a lot... oh... but sigh, you’re not.

I cry when I remember the comfort I do have when I share a piece of me with you, may it be a story or a joke or truths of my life- my petty secrets or a part of my past, my realizations and my heartaches, and I laugh at the same time, remembering the punch line in the end of each of those moments. After that, my laughter will fade and it’ll be replaced by a smile because of the warmth of your hand that I constantly feel holding mine. Whenever I share with you, I don’t really feel that there is something subtracted from me. It was like I am gaining while I am sharing and that paradox gives me the tears of joy now and repeating questions, why oh why, is love intensified upon absence?

I look for you in every people in every place and still get unsatisfied. Your face I see on starry night, in the midst of happy circles, in my silent cries on my pillow and in an empty chair, I see you bright. I see you walking behind me and I’ll look, try to call you but in a blink, those images were all gone. I see you at fast passing vehicles and I wish dearly for the traffic but the travel was too smooth and thus traffic is impossible. I am begging the answer for all these sweet imaginations that an overdose of day-dreaming puts me in solitude of despair and longing and wishing time to just flutter by, that tomorrow may soon be over and then I’ll choke, realizing that tomorrow is still uncertain, you taught me that.

How do you keep me thinking about your face smiling each time I wake up and how do you make me hoping during my distress even without doing anything? How do I hear your gentle and joyous voice pop in my each and every nap? How do thoughts of you keep me working on a sleepy one o’ clock midnight when hopelessness keeps on oozing my body? How does your name resound in my ear whenever I am grasping for the right words to say and to write? Most especially, how does not hearing anything from you allow me to love you even more than how I am already doing?

Damn, you must be really handsome for never ever leaving my mind even for a second and I wasted some hours of my life again thinking about how effortlessly you can do all these. I know the answers and you know that, too. My struggle was non-sense and nothing gets better as each day goes by. You must be really dear to my heart for me getting quite sad because of missing you and wanting to do everything just to be that cheerful person whenever you’re around. Damn, I must have fallen with you that deep… even deeper than I could ever explain.

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