Friday, July 03, 2009

The Sad Clown

It was the nighttime of the season between summer and raining. It was like the wind is just waiting for the perfect timing to blow and cradle the leaves with its sweet caress. This day is just fine. Exams were excellent since I just wished for a passing grade. So far, it was very fulfilling and makes me remember about the verse from the bible which says there is a time for planting and there’s a time for pulling what you’ve planted. Everything makes perfect sense now.

Anyway, the reason why I said “This day is just fine” and not “This day is really great” instead is that I feel like I failed in one of my goals. It is a very natural thing for a person to do everything just to see the people they love happy. Really, it is the greatest and lightest feeling in the world but also the most hurtful when you try to achieve it but eventually fail. All the helpless feeling oozes within my body, screaming “You failed this time” and because of my natural tendency to do everything to keep him happy, I’ll try again, only to realize that I just failed harder.

I am a happy-go-lucky person. I don’t worry too much about things. I am happy and funny (hopefully… somehow). I am filled with humor and comical ideas that serve as a witty skill to lift someone up whenever they need to be. Despite this truth, I don’t deny that I, too, am a sad clown. I joke around whenever I feel like breaking into pieces. I try to make everyone laugh, thinking about the hardest punch line when I feel like my tears will betray me, exposing my hidden melancholy to the chaotic world. That’s what I do – also the best that I can do, perhaps - I make my whole world positive when I’m the opposite. It’s not about pretending or fooling everyone. It’s about hoping that somehow, the laughter I bring to others is contagious enough to intoxicate me away from those things that leave me bothered.

It’s sad that this skill fails when I needed it the most and I cannot afford to fail one more time. It’s like the person I love the most is sad and though I am not literally committed to keeping him happy all the time, I feel the need to make him laugh and put him in lighter spirits. It’s impossible to just sit there and watch him drowning in his loneliness. It’s impossible for me to not at least try to change everything. I cannot do that. I love him too much that I want him to be genuinely happy always. Doing everything, seeing that nothing is changed and realizing that he doesn’t deserve to suffer from all these, I can only break down and cry. I’m worthless. I’m just a drop and he is an ocean. My skills are rusty and aren’t effective. How I wish that I am better at this.

Maybe the drama ends here. Maybe yes, maybe no but I hope not. I have clear intentions of not making this worse. Later, when I close my eyes to sleep, everything will slip and I’ll wake up with nothing to bother me… to bother him. I really just have to let this out because for justice, my blog should contain how worthless I am – that I can only make him happy and yet I wasn’t successful in making that possible, and that I can make other people who don’t matter that much laughing and happy and in high spirits but with respect to him, I can do nothing enough.

And that hurts.

--July 2, 2009

9: 54 PM

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