Monday, July 13, 2009

That "Huh?" Post

What else is there to blog about except busy days and those in-betweens, those hanging questions and sweet imaginings, those untitled moments that always seem to take me away? Really, life has been very busy for me and you might consider it busy to the point that I have been spending three fourths of my day trying to value learning and still finds that three-fourths not enough. I need to learn more. If I have a choice and if I had been a real superhuman in any case, I must have spent every waking hour of my life trying to be satisfied with my abilities so I won’t ask for more. I won’t persevere more and overwork myself. I have been also guilty in 'abandoning' the cyber world, trying to give my attention to and only to academics and stuffs that has something to do with it. Now, as it has always been, the case of being guilty towards something always has its consequences. I feel the need to admit that the more days that I was busy, the more the words seem to hinder themselves. I am not finding this post easy to type and words don't flow smoothly like they usually do. Every phrase is crafted carefully not to expose immaturity. Writing is difficult for me now. Sure, there were moments during classes when I run from the real world and indulge myself to the love of words instead of the love for numbers... and yes, it feels different. It feels alive, invigorating, like a fire, like a meteor, like a resting place of sangfroid and harmony, like the escape I longed for so long but like all flames, it will lose its flick little by little, allowing me to realize that between these yawning gaps are my responsibilities as a student. EWW. The next thing I knew is that a whole sheet of paper is full of doodles, full of phrases which come easier when writing than saying out loud, phrases which came directly from my heart. As much as I hate to say that these responsibilities are what 'stops' me from my usual blog-hopping and 'blog-making', I know that these are what I am supposed to do and these are what I need to do in order to not spend another summer in between books and numbers again. It's not that I didn't like the summer. It's just that I could have full-time worked instead or slept really long or took enough time to rest and be ready, physically and emotionally, for this semester.

Studying for almost two months, I feel already exhausted, yet still breathing, still looking forward the weekdays rather than the weekends. Something is magical in the way the sun shines, knowing that we are all under that same blue sky. Something is driving me crazier each day. Somehow, it keeps me hanging there. Those things are making me still saying “yes” to everything that is coming. Weeks are sucking all of me, leaving me nothing - withered, sleepless, restless and always chaotic. Days seem to challenge me, trying to figure out if ever I’ll give in to the sweet temptation of sleeping instead of analyzing vectors… and those temptations are the most difficult to fight with, since they know my body’s desire and my mind’s silent wishes. Hours seem to pass by so swiftly during the time that I needed it to prolong for longer resting time. The more I need to rest, the less available the time is and that primary thought exhausts me. Minutes seem to be as fast as seconds and I found myself running for them, chasing bubbles, chasing the river, chasing light. Chasing something I know not. Chasing nothing. Darn. I need to hug myself for the pieces to be fit perfectly, for them not to fall and though I might hug me tight, I’m still left unsure about what to do next. Exactly, delicious ambiguity. I didn’t know that drowning myself to academics will lead me to face something that feels like uncertain, something that feels like earthquake… and I am scared.

2 comments:

Who is Ann said...

Im having trouble blogging lately and it really helps me when I do.
How do you get over this slump???

Rhaingel said...

Maybe the best thing to do is just pour all your heart out. When you can't write at all, stop trying. It will just produce a post which is not really pure. :)