Friday, August 28, 2009

I Really Should Have...


Sure, didn’t see that one coming.

The moral of my story speaks loudly to me: Never assume a “Yes” just because there’s no “No” and the never-ending life’s theme: Expectations hurt.

I should have known.

During this short-lived week, I was eager for the weekend. I was happily crossing days out from my calendar, jumping from 30 days to go until 2 days left. Swear, this weekend was the one I think about when there’s nothing to deal with. Surely, this gave birth to many daydreams which are still clear up to now. This was the weekend that gave me so many vivid dreams and a hoping heart. All the dreams left me with intense anticipation as I woke up and eventually, more intense disappointments, too, as the real weekend sinks in. All dreams were vague but clear, colorful and dull, bright and dark, in a sense that everything contradicts its little silly self. I was happy in my dreams and satisfaction seemed to soothe my skin. It is what I wanted. That was all I wished for.

I should have known.

As I opened my eyes to start this day, leaving the last dream that has something to do with all the expectations, I shivered and wanted to cry. The satisfaction was running away, like I was chasing light and like I was holding water and there is nothing more to do. Tomorrow will be the day and I am going to that crowded place alone.

I should have known.

I have so many issues with my dreams but the usual ones would leave me expecting for nothing. I should have known or at least, saw that one coming. Since it was shouting loud to me, I should also be speaking what it says for the nth time: Dreams are just dreams, always. May it be the dream which I saw myself playing with my dad or the past dream that we were biking again, or my present imaginings that we will have a happy time together on Sunday, the “dreams-are-just-dreams, always” still applies and I shouldn’t be stuck ever again on that muddy, sticky, overly gross wishing well. I should have known that the higher I fly with my impossible dreams, the more hurtful it will be if I fell down or was let down.

I now know, but the fact about expectations will most likely to be forgotten again as soon as eveything’s fine. I am a fool and I expect a lot. Right, right, I’ll do something about it.

I should have known.

3 comments:

Rena said...

This post is so sad, but at the same time, so beautifully written. Big hugs to you and what you're dealing with. My thoughts are with you.

The Rich Ant said...

Wow that was deep... such wisdom for a young lady. I at times I don't want to wake from the dream either.

Rhaingel said...

@RENA:
Thank you! I am almost over it. Thanks again. I am so glad that the depression kind of resulted into a post :D

@The Rich Ant:
TRUE. dreams shouldn't be trusted :D