Sunday, November 22, 2009

New Moon, No Moon

I woke up last night from a beautiful dream. At first, I didn’t know what was it so I stood up and left my chilling pillow under the sheet and prepared a cup of hot milk to help me think. Instantly, after I had a sip, I realized that the moon was present in my dream. So that may be the reason why I termed it beautiful. After another warm sip, I realized that the very reason why it was beautiful is also the reason why it was just a dream. It was fully there … that’s it.

I hurried to bed as the realization came crashing over me. It was way too much for a night, way too much to allow me sleep again. So before it was too late, I lie down again, erasing all traces of hurt and expectations, thinking nothing but to be able to sleep again and not suffer a night under the waves of emotions, to dream again, to just forget everything. I should have known that I am good at it. Not at all.

As the moon reaches its shiniest, I stared at it with such painful realizations. It has always been my dream while I sleep and even when I am awake. I always wanted to fly up there and live in there, pulled by its gravity just like the tides of the earth, though it’s too much to imagine and too much to wish. The moon has always been far from my reach, just right for my stare. It has always been high up there with the millions of stars illuminating the dark sky. It has always been there allowing me to see through the night. The moon has always been beautiful and magnificent in all of its ways, standing-out and amazing. I follow its gravity more than how I do with that of the earth. However, once in my life, I watched the moon flew right in front of me. Indeed, it was a dream-come-true. Indeed, it was the happiest thing that ever happened to my life and I can still remember everything on that silent night when it came down. I thought that that was just easy. I thought that I can be with that moon as often as I want. I thought I can stare at it as long as I can but I am just under that same sky where everyone sees the same moon, and so I can’t call that moon as my own even though it flew down for me. Also, there were times when the moon is sometimes missing. Sometimes, it’s new moon and the sky is too dark that shadows are the only things that I can see. I’ll run and hide and try to fly, only to find out that there is no sign of the moon no matter how hard I try to search, only little stars which are randomly scattered to make an impression that there is still light. I’ll wait and pray and hope that the moon will soon shine and drive all my darkness away, then my prayer will be half-answered, because the moon will be half-there. Only half-there.

There was nothing special last night without that full moon. I wasn’t certain what to hope to feel that night, but I felt empty. I was empty of any hope and enthusiasm. I was empty of mirth and satisfaction. I was exactly opposite as my dream. I realized that I too, at times like this, is just half there, and the other half is staying on her dreams, playing on her fool’s paradise of make-believe.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

A Student's Real World

I woke up at five that Tuesday morning with the realization that that day was the first day of classes. It didn’t make me rush since I am not yet late. I said a little prayer and get up and felt the shivering morning under my skin. Whew. I hate to break the calmness of the morning. Turning the faucet on, worsen the cold, for the water was cold as ice and it runs while killing all the living flames inside my body until I, too, am as cold as ice. It felt like ten minutes passed and still, I made no progress at all. I guess, I wasn’t just excited for my first day.

As a child, I have always been eager for school. I was always attentive, always excited and never lazy for it. It was something I anticipate each day. I was after finishing everything my school requires me to do and eventually, on enjoying while learning with my friends and classmates. I might even say that a part of my childhood was stolen from me by my academics. At some point while I was still very young, I felt deprived about playing outside just because I have an exam tomorrow and because I study in a private school so I shouldn’t waste my tuition fee. As I grew older, I learned to feel less deprived and more privileged. Maybe, a part of the reason behind that was because I also lost that age where playing outside was both natural and a need. I was done with that stage.

I started feeling exhausted when I was in high school. The anticipation towards exam was not anymore that high. Nervousness and crammings started to penetrate my system, too. It was fun and hassle-free at some point but whole day classes usually leave me with nothing but worn-out energy. Nevertheless, it was enough that achievements and recognitions were the fruit of every labor. In life, I must say with the little experience I have, that when the people who matters see all your efforts, it makes you re-directed, that no matter how exhausted you are, it refills all your wasted energy and makes it overflowing again. It was like that in high school – difficult but still tolerable.

Now that I am in college, that tolerable part during high school is gone and nowhere to be found. The only consolation I have is the hope that someday and somehow, all these sleepless nights and difficult mornings will bear something I desire, something I deserve. I really cannot wait to get over this particular stage where I feel so burdened. I know, I don’t have really high grades but I realized that after all, success is really a measure for one’s self and not a measure given by others. I know that overall, I am giving everything I have and I can though it’s not enough for most of the times. For me, it has always been a price to be educated. For me, it has always been a special privilege but also a great sacrifice. Like studying for tomorrow’s lesson but also losing a part of my childhood along the way that I can never retrieve. It’s a matter of seeing things in a perspective that will do you good, that will leave you at your best.

I rode the bus that shall bring me a jeepney away from my university. An hour of a very sleepy travel plus the realization that I have to try my best to endure Math and Physics again. A cup of brewed coffee for survival and to avoid yawns is what this present student life requires. Less of facebook. Less of blogspot. Less of those mouth-watering novels that is not connected with academics. More of scratch paper and photocopied readings. The joy of a suspended class and the sorrow of failing a final exam all come with it. The grief of failing one of your goals and the bliss of achieving the rest of those is what this student's real world is all about.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Little Miss School Girl

It was just yesterday when I graduated from high school and now, I am about to face the fact that I am on my second year in college, second semester, bound to take three Math subjects, two language courses and one Physics. Argh. When did everything change? It still horrifies me to think that everything seems changing in an overnight.

I feel so threatened to start the second semester with this kind of mood, for once it has started, there will be no more way to stop it. It will run as fast as it can and I will be left there, standing, too feeble to catch up, too slow to catch it. The next thing I’ll figure out is that I can’t log in online and I can’t spoil myself to novels even though it’s Friday night and tomorrow is a weekend, for I still have to solve several Math problems that will drive me crazy and I still have to review for Monday’s exam which I don’t have any idea on. I guess, I still haven’t completely adjusted to the life I am living today, as a college student. I am still used to the pressure-less, easy-going life in high school. Or maybe I am just tired, even though the semester is not yet starting. I still want to sleep late and wake up late. I still want to spend the whole day reading novels and being absorbed to the story they call fiction. For I know that I will miss having no academic obligations at all. It’s funny that the vacation seems so short as a weekend is but a semester seems long as an entire year.

Now, since I don’t have any choice but to make the most out of those two days left. I will try my best to be composed as possibly can. I’ll try to be ready as much as possible for the wave of stress, for the tsunami of pressure and for the ocean of worries there is to come. I know that I need not to worry too much for at the end of the day, everything will soon be alright. That is a natural tendency. But I just can’t help doing so whenever it crosses my mind that the proportion of the things I was able to do and those that I was not, lies larger on those failures I made. Sometimes, it makes me sad to realize that I sacrificed so many things that will surely make my day for fulfilling my responsibilities but then again, I still wasn’t able to accomplish all those responsibilities I took time to prioritize. It’s like I gained nothing but more disappointments oozing all around my veins, and will linger there to haunt me forever.

I don’t have any resolutions for this coming semester. I don’t have any “I’ll try to be better this sem!” or “I will try to shoot for higher grades!”. It’s not like I don’t have plans or I don’t have any goals to pursue. It’s more of I am constantly aiming for those, although I also constantly fail. There was never a sem that I didn’t do my best. There was never a sem that I asked Fate to do all those that I cannot. I constantly strived… and that is what I will continue to do, although I am tired, although I am lazily returning to school on Tuesday.

Back to school, back to pressure. Back to Math books and goodbye to novels.