Friday, January 30, 2009

Hunger Plus Exhaustion

Tension was too much for me to handle this day. My day has officially started, the way I see it, after I stepped into that clogged jeep, where passengers have different worlds but heading to that same direction for different purposes. Paying to the driver one by one, I was thinking about where that money came from and whether I once hold those coins but was passed on to others or if I will be holding those same coins sometime in my life. I was wondering whether these people had the same day I had but they seem to be different. They seem to be busy and got no time like mine to do senseless things as thinking about what they must be thinking and what their lifestyles are. Traffic delayed us all. I was not rushing at all, no deadlines to meet, no appointments to be punctual on yet I wanted to be home as soon as possible so that I can rest unlimitedly and talk to my mom about these things I am keeping for myself.

I wondered if it’s going to rain. The wind is forceful and it was getting cold. The timing was perfect. I have no umbrella and I was wearing a pretty thin white dress perfect for summer’s heat. Imagining tiny raindrops kissing my skin drained by the sun must feel that good. It might also bring my excitement back. The sound of horns almost made me irritated but there was no point in being so. That day was everything I wished I could have. Friday marks the end of my hell week but it seemed like it wasn’t. I wasn’t rejoicing in any way. Yes, I was saying, “Yes! Examinations are done!” but I can’t convince myself that I really was glad. The red light is like a moon, only it seemed overhead, reachable and just a jump away, unlike the moon who’s always staying from afar, along with the distant stars, unreachable and impossible to hold close. I was wondering if people see that red light the way I was seeing it or maybe, just maybe, they are seeing hearts in it.

I stepped out and walked towards the terminal that will take me home, finally, thinking about how to blog this day so that it won’t sound that awful as it already is. I gave up, admitting that I cannot write something opposite from what I am feeling. I’ve given up because I can’t fool myself by doing something fun and uplifting when I am in my down moments. The huge billboard tells me that a coke a day makes the bad trip away. I thought, “I wish it was true” but nevertheless, I should be concerned about going home. After all, it’s kind of late. I walked and saw eyes landing on me. People must be thinking about how my day was too, the way I was thinking about theirs. Maybe they were wondering why I smile sarcastically and I wonder about the same thing. There was a blind lady, asking for some donations, singing in such a melodic voice which almost made me smile, but her lyrics run thus: “Wish I could live three lives, so that there are no regrets, no painful things to worry about,” and I thought about her life and what is she feeling whenever she sings that song. I doubted if she felt the way I did after hearing those lyrics, if ever she is realizing her past, too. I walked the path I used to take; there stood still the man who sells fish balls to starving people trying to wipe their hunger in there. There was still the man who sells candies and cigarettes to people who feels dizzy in travels and those addicted to cocaine. There was still the barker, shouting at the top of his voice, catching attention of people for dear life. Everything seems like they are in their respective places. Everything seems normal except maybe for me whose hunger, fatigue and head ache are starting to penetrate within. I wasn’t sure about what’s wrong. Either was I certain if there is anything wrong but it seems like there is… a lot.

627

There is something uncanny about this night that drove me typing and pouring everything into this word pad. The truth is that, whether you would like to believe it or not, I am always trying my best to make the posts in here just light, something that won’t bother or give you the hard feelings when you read but I am a drama queen and to dramatize everything is my business. As much I want to live in that happy valley where people eat rainbows and poop butterflies, I can’t. I live in a world of mirages and confusions. I am struggling inside and to write is the best way I saw and knew to lessen my burden—to at least spend the night typing and not crying and ending up with popped eyes in the morning. This isn’t the right time to realize things and tolerate paranoia. This is not the right time to bring back those same fears I once defeated. I can hardly help it.

These things prove me that I am too immature to live alone in the second floor of a boarding house with no one to scold me when I am going crazy. My life here is messy. That is how I was made. I guess, there are just certain times when things seem to gulf me wholly and I don’t know if I am being too over reacting because people ask, “Really?” when I say, “I am okay”. They say that there is something sarcastic about those smileys I sent them and something cynical with the way I deliver those happy words. I smile and act like nothing is wrong. They say that it’s called putting everything aside and simply being strong but hell! Who are they calling strong when all the while I don’t want my tears to fall for the fear of not being able to stop them at all?

I am hurt, bothered and scared all at the same time. This is not the case when I am frustrated about something. I am just shocked about things that struck me in the morning. Perhaps, that is the last thing I thought was happening. Perhaps, I was too blinded by my emotions that I wasn’t able to foresee what’s happening while I am smiling alone. Perhaps, it was just me who felt that everything was right when all the while there is someone struggling. I pity myself for being too sightless. This is more than the pain I get from falling from ice skating, a lot more painful even if you combined it with pricking needles. I am thinking about those sleepless nights I encountered when I was small and innocent. I cannot sleep because of the cheating my playmates and I did. How I wish that those are still the things I am dealing with tonight. My fears, during those times where fears of losing and receiving insults and taunts from my playmates. My fears also rely on scraping my knees or landing on my hips. Now, my fears are all about losing not games but losing the people that matter most in my life. I'm afraid to be happy because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens. It’s a cycle I am bound to live with everyday of my life.

Sorry if this post makes you want to comment me and say, “I am sorry to hear about that” or “I hope you’ll eventually get better”. I know that I am devastating other people because of this personal stuff. I am really sorry. It isn’t my intention to ruin other people’s day. I just want to unburden myself even for a post of six hundred and twenty-seven words.

January 27, 2009
11:25 PM

Sunday, January 25, 2009

My Week: A Completely Random One

THURSDAY. It was a day less of school. I was happy for I was able to attend my Math class which is very vital for me, attended the next class although it was the most boring one and a half hour of my life. I managed to answer questions from my Communication subject. Those were everything important related to school. I headed home after that. I mean, we. Then spend hours and hours laughing at past experiences. It was very special, as it will always be for me. From laughter-full occurrences down to more serious ones. We had a coupe of serious talks which concerns about real feelings especially jealousy. He admitted those times he got jealous about something or someone and so did I. I was both shocked for I wasn’t aware about those things and I was also admiring his cuteness. I realized that he is very adorable when he is jealous, making me know that he has fears of losing me. I love to realize that thing. I confessed about the people I am jealous of. For me, that was something to make our bonding even tighter because when there are fewer secrets, there are also fewer problems. It felt so good to be finally relieved from those things that destruct me. I don’t think that after those confessions, something will change but it’s okay. I don’t wish to completely get rid of those jealousies. Somehow, I see those as points to improve and I saw that night full of confessions as an ‘unclogger’ of those thoughts I am keeping for myself alone.

FRIDAY. I was already home at four o’clock and it was unusual because I commonly arrive home at past eight. I was happy for I spent my university life being with him always. After sharing a sumptuous lunch with him, we went for a walk, discovering places we’ve never been. I felt no exhaustion at all. That was one of those times when I really wished I had a stopping machine but no matter how much I wish for it, it won’t happen and so I guess, I can only be thankful for what we’re sharing and hope that it is as endless as forever. My Friday marked the start of a hell weekend.

SATURDAY. Yesterday, I helped an elementary friend. I know that I have so many things to do but I chose to be a blessing to others. Nothing can ever be compared to the satisfaction one has whenever she/he helps others and so I decided to help him. He was growing insane towards Math and I am seeing myself on him when I needed all the help in the world and don’t know what to do. After we’ve finished dealing with limits and derivatives, he said “Thank you” and that was more than enough than what I expected. Really, being able to make someone happy and thankful is heart-warming. I will be very glad to hear that he passed his exams.

My week was tighter than the previous one. I am pretty much sure that the next one will be even tighter. I am excited and afraid at the same time. My blog will be the first one to receive my summarization of the week ahead. Thanks for bearing with my realizations!

My Week: Broken Foot and Complete Heart

To reflect about how my week was is like counting my blessings. I am not saying that I’ll be doing this every weekend for I once committed myself to write “When It Rains” once a week but managed to write only six posts regarding it. Oh, well, not that bad but I wish I could have done more. What I am saying is that I’ll be having this “My Week” post until such time that I still find my week amazing or extraordinary.

SUNDAY. The truth is I can hardy remember Sunday. All I can remember is that I spend my day between Mr. Stephen King’s pages of On Writing, did a coupe of blog posts, wrote about the wonderful things in my life and got myself ready for a week-long adventure. My Sunday was long because I don’t have much to do. I took a nap during the afternoon and downloaded e-books during the evening. My Sunday was a very idle one.

MONDAY. It was a day I can’t believe it happened. Not because it was too good to be true but I am into certain situations wherein my relationship with other people are too confusing. I mean, I am not sure whether a person is still my friend or he has already cut the tie that connects what we’ve once shared. Nevertheless, I found myself ice skating with him and with my dad. Maybe things aren’t impaired as how they seem to me.

TUESDAY. It was a day full of things I did not expect. First, while I was walking to my first class for the start of the week, I was full of optimism then a man, on his thirties and on a motorcycle, stopped and talked dirtily to me. I was mad partly because I felt like I was abused and partly because it was the start of the week and no one, absolutely no one should be ruining my day. I got irritated. I slapped him then kicked him afterwards then ran for I thought that what I did was just an impulse and I wasn't to think about it. Second, after reaching my class and switching my focus to my friends and lessons, I reconstructed my day again, erasing what happened during the morning. There were things to do and one of them is an examination to our Communication subject. My friends and I decided to conduct a group study but the lights are out and the sun has set. So we lie in the middle of the field, looking for stars. It was full of laughter and while I was laughing so hard, I fell and broke my foot. It was excruciating and caused me to find it so hard to head home and move. I was supposed to be sad but I wasn’t for I saw how my friends cared for me and really, I’ll give up my foot for them. I still ended my day with, “Thank you, Oh Lord” and “Gee! My foot!”

WEDNESDAY. Best thing about Wednesday is the thought that the people you care for are caring for you in return. As for me, I am contented with caring for them. That is something I am happy to do. If they are to care for me back, then that will be another blessing. I started my day being unable to stand. My foot was swelling but thanks to the inventor of pain-killers. As soon as I felt that it’s taking its effect, I took a bath and went to school. I was not able to attend my Math class but I am looking forward to my Computer Science subject. Thanks to him, for he made me realize that he will always be there whenever I need him and that is too much for me to handle. He made me know through his actions that though I am heavy, he is willing to carry me... that whenever I say "Ouch" whenever my foot hurts, the pain on him doubles. It made me know that he is there to check on me if I am okay and is willing to wait to make sure that I'll head home safely. My goodness! I must have accumulated a cavity for his sweetness. :)

PS. The picture wasn't my foot.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Trapped

That familiar question which runs thus “If you are stranded in an isle, what are the things that you would like to bring?” really reflects on how people are prioritizing the material things that they have. It’s a simple question and very common, perhaps but nevertheless, I am still answering that. Here is my list:
  • A pen and notebook- Surely, to be left alone on an island is something that will make me lose my insanity completely. I should bring a pen to at least lessen the things I am keeping for myself. Even though I am not yet deserted in an island, writing has always been a thing to do for myself. I know that I am doing it not so often, maybe four times a week but believe it or not, it makes me ready for the upcoming week, whether it’s hell or idle. I cannot imagine myself fighting for survival in a land mass without writing everything that I am going through.
  • The Bible- It is in those times that you realize how blessed you are with your life and all the opportunities laid out in front of you. I do believe that if I bring a bible with me, then I’ll be having many wonderful realizations about life and about God. I believe that it will be one of those things that will keep my hopes alive and something that will save me from the brink of despair.
  • Chocolates- I have two comfort foods: chocolates and ice cream but since I am pretty much sure that ice cream will just last for hours then I’ll settle for chocolate which can last for days if I manage to control myself and don’t eat everything all at once. I need my comfort food to lessen my stomach’s hard feelings towards me for just digesting fruits and sea shells all the time.
  • A camera- The twilight and dawn, green mountains and wild animals will be very perfect for a snap. I want to capture every little thing I saw during my experience and eventually print those photos and keep it in an album so that my future grandchildren will look at those with amazement and disbelief that such things exist not only in movies but also in real life. I’ll keep it and stare from time to time when things seem to be different from how they used to be and conclude that “I’ve survived that deserted island. I can survive here too,” then end up counting my blessings.
  • A jacket- I need something to keep me warm and comfortable while I am away from his loving arms. I always hate to have colds. It stops me from my usual activities and end up sitting in a corner with running nose and sneezing every after ten seconds. So I am bringing a jacket with me and I hope that it will protect me from those chilling nights and rainy days.
  • His picture- If I’ll be deserted alone in an island, it’s like saying that I will have all the time to miss him and I know that if I am seeing his picture, I’ll long for his company more and it might cause my sadness but at the same time, it will bring me happiness for it will remind me of those very happy times when my lips can no longer handle my smiles. It will make me fight my situation and go back home.
This is my list, perhaps the most important things I have at the moment. What are the things that compose your list? I might be very glad to read about this in your blogs. :)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Dreams Vs. Ambitions

There is a great boundary between dreams and ambitions. Others see it that way but since I am kind of confused and still uncertain about my future, I separated the two of them. Dreams are the true expressions of the soul, something that your heart tells you. Whenever you are asked about what you want to be when you grew older, that is the first thing that comes to your mind. Ambition, on the other hand is the decision made by your heart and your mind. That is the thing that your ego believed as the best option to take. It is commonly practical and is acceptable by the majority. 88%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

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I see writing as my passion and being a writer as my dream. I project myself as a short-story writer whose works are known by almost everyone. Somehow, it makes me happy to think about that about five years from now, I’ll be wearing a pair of glasses, plain white t-shirt and jeans, no accessories at all except a simple headband. I see myself writing in that study table which has been with me for almost forever, laughing occasionally because I remembered a funny childhood experience and decided to eventually include it in my work. Later on, I’ll be typing in my old-fashioned laptop then editing masterpieces. That is my dream and for some reasons, I am keeping that thing for myself alone. I am keeping it under my veins and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be pursuing them when everything is already under control. My ambition is to be in the field of Mathematics. Something related to finances, numbers and sort of things that will make my head explode. This is something I also see myself engaged in. Something practical and acceptable. Something that will make people say, “That sounds good”. I must also admit that I am concerned about income, too. It’s true that acquiring money isn’t the key to happiness but given the choice and the situation in this dying country, I want to make a difference in my life. I am pursuing my ambition. Don’t get me wrong. Though I am seeing myself as a writer, I am still contented with what I am doing. I mean, solving while lazy thoughts flowering my mind. I am still contented with answering “BS Math” when they ask, “What is your course?” and I believe that I’ll always be contented about my decision. It is the most rational thing I've ever decided.

The reason why I remembered this little realization is that I saw a post on The Rambler’s blog which includes a test on how addicted I am with my blog. Surprisingly, not to mention honestly, I answered all the questions which I really believe in. I got 88%, a very fulfilling score for someone who almost abandons her blog during busy school days. I realized that it somehow contains truth in it and I am glad the way the test turned out. I am experiencing enthusiasm again. Particularly, with this blog alone. I thought that if the test was “How addicted to Math are you?” maybe I’ll get 4%. I am contented with it but no passion drives me the way it does when writing is what we’re talking about. I guess, after all the convictions I made, the primary difference between writing and Math is the thing I am doing willingly and not just because it’s needed and vital.

Ouch to Conjectures

At any point, I always learn from my professors whenever I spend some time listening to them. It is always a choice whether to listen and focus or daydream and smile alone. I realized that I should be listening a lot and daydreaming a little. I am a student and I can daydream when I am in a vehicle. That seems more appropriate. It may or may not mean something good. It does whenever I learn new information that will of course, stack up to my knowledge and it doesn’t when I realize something and it keeps bugging me whenever I am in my soliloquy. Today, that happened again. I entered my Philosophy 1 class and set my mood to analyzing philosophical essays made by all-time critical -thinkers who devoted their life evaluating valid statements.

I always contradict people. I don't know why but that’s me. I listen eagerly then try to catch those thoughts and ideas that were unclear to me. Today, I was slapped by certain philosophies. It made me shut up and criticize my situation first rather than be excited for my professor’s err. We studied about Karl Popper, a scientist, as he said and I did not think about his philosophies as something that can help me deal with everyday. We studied about conjecture and refutation. It was a new idea for me and I am thankful that I had the chance to learn about it. Though, I must admit that it bothered me a lot. I won’t be writing here if I am not. My professor said that a person can never reach such thing as an absolute truth. I said “whatever” but deep inside me, I was thinking about those things I see as truth. Perhaps, love for family and a friend is one. Then second is about people’s words and third is about people’s actions which are a lot credible than confusing words. I must admit that I easily trust people. I narrate some of my childhood experiences, funny incidences that can make them laugh or emotions I am currently feeling. Again, that’s me. I thought about uncertainties, too for my professor cited an instance wherein a boyfriend tells her girlfriend how much he loves her then gives her chocolates and flowers. He gives her the world, fetches her from school and accompanies her to home. My professor said that that wasn’t enough for the love mentioned was a conjecture, meaning it’s temporary and it won’t be proven exactly unless you see a counter example. In that case, the counter example will be to see the boyfriend with someone else. I grew worried though I honestly know that I shouldn’t be. Perhaps, this is the mixed effect of fatigue and fear and lack of sleep. I got so affected because of the philosophy that everything is conjecture and to actually prove something means to find a concrete case where it contradicts the stated ‘near to truth’ thing. It occurred to me that there must be a lot of people who are so crazy about the idea of falling in love and then proving the love of their partner by means of catching them flirting to others. If that is life, I don’t want to believe in anything and I don’t want to get happy for the fear of getting sad after all. I know that everything is temporary... but this day, my professor tried to convince me with something else: Everything is a lie.

I need to sort this out of my mind. I hate being so deep and reflecting about what’s not happening. I hate to deal with this during the time that I am taking my sweet sleep. Paranoia, that is. I don’t want to doubt my beliefs and believe my doubts. I don't want to be untrusting to all and sundry. For God’s sake, I am doing well before I learned about conjectures. Right now, I should still be and deal with that philosophical thing every Wednesday, from 8:30 to 10:00 am and leave every thought I learned in there. I should be listening, still, yet I should be dealing with those every minute that is flying for it’s very devastating. Thanks to Karl Popper. At least, he is making me think.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Me? Tired? VERY.

How things are turning out isn’t exactly how I expected them to be. Right now, I am thinking about maximizing my twenty-four hours in a day to those things that define me as a student. I mean obligations. Studying is not for lazy learners like me but having a great future is for everyone. I do admit that I prioritize my happiness rather than what I should be doing. Perhaps this blog and writing stuff is one. Instead of opening my Physics reading materials as thick as the adipose tissue on a person with no exercise at all, I choose to close the door, unplug the television, never mind my cell phone at all and start digging my own hole in this chair by writing. Once again, I am doing my sweet escape.

I would be very mind-numbing if I’ll discuss about the senseless reasons why I am doing this thing again. Maybe all the bloggers know that particular reason but cannot express it to words. It feels like a part of me is in my blog and a part of my blog is in me. That’s very alarming and wonderful at the same time. I have millions of reasons why I should be opening my Math book or Communication 3 reviewers or doing the program which is entitled “Machine PROBLEM” (and I must agree, it really is) yet a single reason of why I should be blogging wipes it all out.

I broke my right foot. I slipped and eventually destroyed those protective ligaments surrounding the bones. It’s swelling and it is as if my foot increased in its size. I cannot stop myself from laughing whenever I see it. I wasn’t able to attend my Math, Philosophy, Modern Dance and Filipino class for the pain was too excruciating that I cannot even stand steady. I was exaggerating, okay but honestly, it was painful. That was the most hurtful pain I’ve experienced for my right foot, at least as far as my memory provides me. I don’t usually absent myself to school but this morning was an exception for my mind tells me that I can but my foot summons pity from me. After all, I abused it well enough for me to allow ‘it’ to have a little rest. If I don’t, then it might become a rebel, doing what ‘it’ wants and never concerned about ‘it’s’ boss which happens to be me.

If you will come to think of it, yesterday and today are bad days. I broke my foot, absent myself from my classes, lost the precious earring my sister had given me, exams here and there, promises I made to last, novels that are not connected in any way to my subjects but I can hardly put down and mental exercises that never failed to make me consider myself as a fat balloon being sucked excitedly by a vacuum cleaner then inflated by a Santa Claus-size-man only to be pricked by naughty children. I am too exhausted to type, too exhausted to care about grammars and punctuations, though I am certainly aware that I’ve committed lots of English mortal sins. I am too exhausted to write something that will make me proud later on. Pardon me with this one. I just have to let this all out. To say that I shouldn’t be blogging at this moment is like saying I shouldn’t be minding my constipation. I am so much tired at the moment but all I want to do is to sleep or drink or write or think of him. I know it’s getting tighter and tougher, I mean the challenges put of by those professors whose constant refuge and happiness is seeing the brain of students bleeding out. I know that there is a possibility that I might not get through but the hell do I care about those things.

My noisy alarm clock cries hysterically at my side and I hate it for it signals me to go back to my reality where post-it notes are dominating. It says that I still have things to do. Lots of them, in fact. I have to close this sweet little thing for whenever I write I focus too much and that makes me really drawn away from the cruel reality. (sigh) Back to being Little Miss Trying Hard to Study. (sigh deeper)

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Bob Ong's Lessons 27-31

I am about to prepare myself to a day-long travel and no-one-else-in-the-room-except-me hours of lunacy. I am already missing home although I am still in here. I see it as something funny right now and I hope that later, I can still laugh at this. I am leaving this blog with lessons twenty-seven to thirty-one, second to the last lessons I’ve picked from Bob Ong so far. I know that this isn’t the end. I know that as I re-read his books again, I will be picking some points worthy of dealing about and who knows, I might blog about those things again as soon as I was able to compile them. I am wishing you a happy reading and may you come upon those lessons which are true:

27. Are you actually looking for me or is it my absence that you are looking for? Commonly, when someone starts to avoid us, we tend to miss them or can’t help but be affected. Sometimes, we are looking for that person because it is him/her that we particularly miss but sometimes we just feel the absence of someone, uncertain who that person is, and that we look for that incompleteness.

28. Eat bread made of cat’s meat or walk on broken glass with bare foot but never ever try drugs. If you can’t refuse, ask the help of your parents because they know who the best supplier in the town is and they won’t trick you. Very sarcastic, that is but Bob Ong made a good point in here by saying that the parents will surely help you. Of course, they won’t tolerate their children taking drugs for they want nothing but the best for them. This is such a nice advice.

29. Study hard. If you’ll stop your studies, you’ll regret that during your adulthood for you were not able to experience that distinct happiness brought by those suspended-classes or the-teacher-is-absent days. Yes, those were the best part of being a student, something when you miss means missing half of your life and I just hope that everyday I go to school is one of those great days (the lazy me).

30. Dream and reach for it. Never blame your broken family, impaired love life, impotent pet or flying cockroaches. If there are things which your parents were not able to provide you, you can blame them and be a rebel. Quit your studies, marry early, take drugs, and dye the hair in your armpit. In the end, you’ll still be the victim, a rebel who wasn’t able to prove anything. I, myself, is a product of a broken family. My parents are separated. I am still talking with my dad and with my mom. I am okay and not miserable. At some point, I grew rage on them for giving me the kind of family no one wished for but as time goes by, I realized that to be angry will do me no good. They are still my parents whatever happens and whether I like it or not, I owe them a lot. Right now, I am thankful for the both them and I love them. No hard feelings at all.

31. It’s a big mistake to forget about your dreams just to avoid a terror teacher or difficult subjects. I confess that right now, I am thinking about shifting and not pursuing my course. I am a coward. I am threatened by those difficult subjects and I am more threatened by those professors I see as inconsiderate. Thanks to Bob Ong and his books. Now I am gaining the determination to continue and accept whatever happens. I know that I am going to fail at some point in my life but I care not. I have to face those things which I am actually threatened of and deal with those everyday of my life for I still have three years (and hopefully it won't extend) of spending everyday with Math and stuff.

Bob Ong's Lessons 19-26

I thought that I had a long enough weekends for me to accomplish everything but now, it seems to me that I still got a long list of unchecked things to do (sigh). I’ll be going back to my dormitory a bit later and that means I am again away from my Internet connection and again away from my beloved blog but oh! I think that signals me to be more focused with my grades and with my lessons. After all, I am still a student attached with so many obligations. Here are Bob Ong’s lessons nineteen to twenty-six:


19. Let go of the things which hurt you even though they make you happy, too. Don’t wait for that moment when all that you are feeling is just the hurt and the happiness has already left you.

20. Use your heart to take care of the person you love and use your brain to take care of yourself. We all get stupid at love at some point, making fool of ourselves, and so is the reminder goes that the brain is placed higher than our hearts. This is to prioritize thinking about ourselves first than loving others.

21. Love is like an open manhole. The thought of falling to it is frightening and when you do, it’s either by accident or by stupidity and most of the times, it’s the stupidity that causes the falling.

22. Everyone becomes suddenly serious when it comes to love. It’s just that some are not strong enough to face and overcome temptations.

23. Why don’t little children sleep in the afternoon? Don’t they know that if they fall in love, they won’t be able to sleep even though they want to?

24. It’s not the loneliness or fright that is difficult in being alone but it’s the acceptance that amidst the billions and billions of people in this world, no one actually fought to be with you.

25. I learned that final exams are not the passing rate in life. It’s not a multiple choice, identification, true or false, enumeration or fill in the blanks but it’s an essay which you write everyday. It is judged not by how many right or wrong answers you made but rather by the sense in everything you write. Erasures are actually allowed. It’s true that some jobs are hiring for those graduates who have really high grades. Unfortunately, I am not seeing that I’ll be one of them and that’s okay on my part. When I was still in high school or probably elementary, I made such big deal on those exams which I passed but passed with a low score. I thought about those things until nighttime and at some point, caused me to cry out of disappointment and now I am slowly realizing that that’s nothing. Surely, it matters to the totality but flunking in some of your exams doesn’t mean that you are a lesser person than your classmate who scored high. When you apply for a job, they won’t be asking for your score during your second long exam in Math when you were grade five. No one actually cares for those things.

26. I don’t want to get used to those things I can live without.

Bob Ong's Lessons 6-18

Well, I am hoping that somehow, Bob Ong’s lessons 1-5 did you a little good. If not, then you might as well, keep those first and then retrieve after quite some time when those lessons are already applicable or you might want to share it to others whose present situation might be scoped by Bob Ong’s wit. Anyway, here are lessons six to eighteen. I am hoping that you'll have a great time reading and analyzing how your lives have been:


6. If you will wait for someone who will flirt you out, nothing will happen to your life. You should be flirting, too. I don’t agree with this lesson that much. Perhaps, this isn’t applicable to me yet for I have all the opportunities to be loved and I still have all the youth. Maybe I will be putting this lesson aside and retrieve it when I am already 35 and still single.


7. If you love someone and he doesn’t love you back, let go. Who knows, you might also dislike him tomorrow. It’s just that his turn was earlier than yours.

8. Break your relationship with someone if there’s no more happiness. Nothing cures the stupid idiot except initiative.

9. If the one you love doesn’t love you back, don’t complain for there are also people who love you but you don’t love them back so it’s simply fair.

10. If you happen to come to a point wherein you love two different people and you have to choose between them, pick the second for you won’t love another one if you are really contented with the first.

11. Just because the two of you chats often, talks on the phone always, joins you in all of your walks or texts you endlessly doesn’t actually mean that he is in love or interested with you. There are just these people who are too friendly, basically sweet, flirt, seductive, make you hoping on nothing and make you fall but have no plans of catching you.

12. Never rush on love. Three, five or ten years from now, you’ll realize that it’s not right to choose a partner just because he is handsome or smart. It’s true that a person’s inner self is greater than everything else. As time passes by, even the ultimate heartthrob will look like Spanish bread. Believe me.

13. Sometimes, even if you are scheduled, you have to wait just because you are not the priority. Hurtful, eh?

14. It’s difficult to act someone in someone’s life especially if you weren’t the leading lady in his script.

15. Do you know how far the distance of two people who turned backs to each other is? You have to travel the world’s circumference once again just to find that person whom you turned your back to.

16. It’s better to fail while doing something than to succeed while doing nothing… and this makes me think about my Math exams and Math life. I shouldn’t be tired after all for these sacrifices are part of student life.

17. Not everything you can comprehend is truth and not everything you cannot understand are lies.

18. If you loved someone and you were hurt, don’t blame your heart for it beats only to supply blood to your body. Now, if you know anatomy so well and you’ll begin to blame your hypothalamus which controls all of your emotions, you’re still wrong. Don’t blame your body organs for those frustrations you have in life. Remember, you’ll be happy only if you start to accept that it’s not the heart, brain, kidney or stomach which is the culprit. It’s YOU alone.

Bob Ong's Lessons 1-5

I’ve been a constant fan of Bob Ong’s novel. It’s actually in Filipino and I’ll say that it’s so far the best among those Filipino informal books. I always pick something from those books even though it’s joke or a line said in the most as-a-matter-of-fact tone when all the while, it is a line which is vital to know if you want to live happily. His novels are full of lines which you would love to read all over again and end up saying “You’re right”. Bob Ong is concerned about the future, about love and career. He is the kind of writer who is very knowledgeable about life but learned from it due to those failures he attained and shares it to his readers so that others will learn, too. He isn’t that serious neither he is too funny. He is a mixture of a witty and comical scribbler destined to touch readers’ hearts.


I decided to share those things I learned from Bob Ong and his novels. So expect me to spend some post here admiring his talent and distributing the lines that made me stop from what I am doing and do a bit of soul-searching. I won’t quote Bob Ong for he wrote in Filipino and I am not directly translating from his words. I am imparting those messages from what and how I understood them.


1. If you don’t love someone, don’t show him any motive for him to love you. We all want to appear friendly and the kind of person others can rely on but sometimes we have to acknowledge that we all have limitations. We have this boundary between friendship and love so that others won’t misinterpret our actions and kindness, perhaps.


2. If you cannot stand to see something held by others, then never let go of that thing. We were all given the option to be miserable or not and once pride has sink in, we are ought to choose being miserable. It's kind of automatic.


3. Don’t hold something which you are going to release later on. Let us lessen the burden of other people by not giving them false hopes. I believe that we all experience failing during the time when we crossed our fingers the most. Let us not do that to others. Yes, there are uncertainties and those are actually inevitable but what we are supposed to do is fight those uncertainties away and make the ‘releasing’ thing our last option.


4. Never ever hold something if you are already holding one. This is a serious one for me. I hated two-timers ever since. It’s a mortal sin for me and to engage into something while another one is on going and has no closure yet is a perfect turn-off for me to dump that person and forget about trusting him again. Talking based on experiences, eh?


5. Love is like an elevator. Why will you prefer to enter it when you know that it doesn’t have any place left for you when all the while, there is the stairs but you are technically and literally ignoring it? We all strive to be accepted and loved and once we start to feel that it’s not happening, then it’s time to forget about it for we don’t belong there.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My Week: Realizing Out

WEDNESDAY. I started the day seeing him and I don’t know. I was complete instantly. There were low points like we absent ourselves from a class just because we were late and the door was locked because the professor is a monster and she doesn’t understand but that was nothing compared to the infinite smiles I shared with him. That was both irreplaceable and indispensable to my memory.


THURSDAY. One of his classes was dissolved and hey, I once again became the happiest person on earth. We played the sport we once shared and that time, it felt better because I was focused on him rather than be focused on the ball. It was nice just because he was my playmate. We rested for a while then sat on those bleachers, sharing jokes and laughing at those lame players. I felt him while he rested his back on me and I just can’t stop but admire how handsome he looks with that polo perfectly emphasizing his broad shoulders. We then walked under the sun feeling the warmth of each other’s hand while the breeze once again accents the moment. We ate then saw his friends and I felt that joy again because I see him enjoying the moment and I don’t have any more wonderful wish just to see him smiling. I went home with that satisfaction and glee. I said, “Never did it cross my mind that life can be this great.”


FRIDAY. The start of my day was a disaster. I began to think it will be that way until the end of the day and I was in my tears again for it hurts me to see that I am not doing enough to put a smile on his face when all the while, he makes me the happiest person on earth. I see myself as someone powerless, incapable of cheering him up but I am glad that finally, I saw that smile again and I don’t care if someone else has put that happiness in him. I choose to take it in a positive way that at least, he is happy now and I am simply thankful for those people who made him happy when I wasn’t able to do that. Thanks to them or to her. I went to the mall and bought a gift for my father. Then as soon as I arrived home, a surprise came (see here) then I became happier.


SATURDAY. It’s today and I spent the day just doing what I want. I mean, writing, reading, programming, reviewing, chatting, blogging, replying, resting, eating and everything I term to as “fun”. This day was long, the longest Saturday ever for I was able to accomplish a lot of things though I woke up late.


I am looking forward the next week. I know that it may have downfalls, too. That’s vital and I learn from it. Life is not a smooth continuous function. It may have corners and critical points. It surely has an extreme maxima and an extreme minima but I would like to believe that at the end of the day, everything will fall back to their respective places. Whenever I think of these things this way, I always heard my alter ego encouraging me by saying, “That’s the spirit! You’ll get through,” and I know I will.

My Week: Smitten

I was reflecting how my week was and I had a spoonful of realizations. It is as if my mind increased its volume and has expanded once more. It started last Sunday and I am ending it today, Saturday, when I had the longest Saturday ever.


Second week of school was better than the first. I am glad that somehow, optimism is again sinking into me. It’s nice that even if some things just don’t follow the path I laid out for it, still, I end up being contented with everything that happened because after all, that was more than what I need. They say "Count your blessings" and I am listening to them.


SUNDAY. It was a Math day, 24 hours of Math stuff just because I know how desperate I am just to pass our second Math exam. It's a must and it’s a hard thing for me to do. I don’t find pleasure in reviewing those things but for a moment, I realized that if I cannot do it for myself, then I might as well do it for others, particularly for the people who trust me to do better this time. I cannot give them greater disappointments. Pressure- that is.


MONDAY. It was a day I spent with friends. I know that tomorrow was the big horrific day. I am aware that tomorrow’s going to test my patience and my hopefulness again. I kind of felt that I was going to fail again. I don’t want to fool myself by convincing that I know that much to be able to answer those questions I still see as senseless. Then it occurred to me that if I know that I am going to fail, I should fail gloriously. Whatever the result of the exam may be, it will be okay for I know that I did everything and if I wasn’t able to pass it, then I’ll have no regrets. There is no “if I just tried harder”.


TUESDAY. Then the big day came. While I was answering the questions, there is this little voice which tells me that I cannot, that I know nothing regarding those questions but still I tried for the quote says that “A man who tries everything and gets nothing is better than a man who gets everything with trying nothing.” I was contented when I passed my exam forward. I know that I was going to flunk and that may hurt but what can I do? I already did everything. I spent the afternoon being the happiest person in the world. I spent it with the one I love and care for the most, never minding about that Math exam. (Past is past, right?) We went into a park and just admire the cool breeze blowing a river towards our feet while I feel his warm arms around me. My Tuesday was very ironic for the start of the day was a disaster and the end was perfect. I’ve done those things I’ve never tried before and I cannot handle another happiness for I was bursting. I felt like I’ve finally found life and to leave it would be death. I felt so blissful to have finally found that thing I’ve searched for so long and was so scared that it might go away. We were heading the carnaval only to found out that it's gone. Their contract has expired and I won't be able to ride the cable car I was always admiring from afar. There was no hard feelings at all. There were no spots of hate or frustrations. Instead, we went for another walk, quite long yet straight to his heart. I realized that nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever be compared to the sweetness I feel whenever we walk and hold hands and just see each other’s face despite of the other people surrounding us. The feeling to ride a cable car or a ferris wheel is nothing compared to the feeling I have whenever I hear him say that he loves me and nothing is much more better than that than feeling that he actually does. I realized that nothing, absolutely nothing, can ever be compared to the spark I see only in his eyes and that distinct joy that only happened that day, that moment, when we reminisced our childhood by playing in that swing and seesaw while I was wondering where he had been all of my life. (sigh) See how hard I fell for him?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Thank You So Much!

It was past nine when I arrived home from a stressful travel and a hassle academic day. It was a very long day and whenever I look at my watch to check the ticking time, I always feel my back aching, my hungry stomach grumbling, my head hurting and the soles of my feet all worn-out. This is not a bad day. It’s just hectic one.


So as I was talking, I arrived home at past nine then my mom served dinner for me and while eating, she noticed that I was really hungry. I ate fast and not a single word was heard from my mouth. I was busy and the only thing I was focused on is the food that I am eating. Well, what can I say, I was really exhausted and if ever I do eat a lot during meals, I surely work a lot making what I burn greater than what I consume (a great justification of not following my diet). Then it occurred to her, “You have something upstairs,” “and what is that?’ I asked in bewilderment. “A box from the United Stated of America, a package, perhaps from Amazon.com,” she answered my question. I did not hesitate. I know instantly where and whom it came from.


For the past week, I met a new friend on line. He happened to drop by my blog and comment on one of those articles. He became one of those people who read my entries and it makes me proud of what I am producing. I learned that he is a professional doctor, the kind of person which deserves all the respect from this humanity. I appreciate readers and I appreciate more those readers who are honest and sincere in imparting their perceptions and I do believe that he is one. We talked about this book, “On Writing” by Stephen King and had a couple of discussions and exchange of opinions quite related to it. I appreciated all his advices since someone as young as I am should be listening keenly to those who have more wise experiences than me. A while ago, I received the book from him and it seems like that package was an exhaustion-sucker that I was instantly uplifted and I cannot anymore hear my grumbling tired body. I was excited just as how a little child is excited to open her wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree. First, I cannot believe it in my eyes because I am not that kind and good enough for God to send me someone like him who, even for a short time, was able to teach me so much about life, inspired me with things which concerns career and path of profession and then gave me something that can help me improve those imperfections I see in my writing. As soon as I pinched myself and found out that I wasn’t dreaming at all and it was real, I promised myself that that book won’t be something like those which I started but left after halving its chapters. I promised myself that I will finish that book and be eventually more inspired after living my life between those inspiring lines.


I don’t know how to thank him and that may be the primary reason why I am blogging about him and about what happened. Somehow, this blog shall forever contain a small portion that speaks something about him and my gratitude and how he made my day because of the gift and the effort to send me something. I am aware that even though I blog about that gratification everyday, I won’t be telling the exact feeling of appreciation I do have at the moment. I guess, after playing with so much words and searching for the exact phrases, I am admitting that I failed and cannot think of a better expression that “Thank you so much!" I appreciated it. I really do.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dreaming

I dream a lot. Each time I sleep, I wake up remembering everything I dreamt about during the night. Dreams mean a lot to me. They make me very thankful about my reality and make me reflect about my present situation. I dream about the play I am so nervous of, about the happy moments I did experience in the past, about my crush, about my enemies, about those failed hopes, about the plans I have and the consequences related to it and then it occurred to me: do we define our dreams or do dreams define us? I felt somehow changed by each of these dreams I’ve had, just as any experience changes me. I feel like a part of me was in my dreams and a part of my dreams is in me. I know that it is actually senseless to be frightened whenever nightmares begin to haunt my being during the nighttime when all the while it has no basis but I still feel that there is this path which connects those dreams and the reality. I know, too, that it is equally pointless to be happy because of a dream when all the while, I know that it’s just a product of the mind and to hope that it will come true is absolutely absurd. I do believe that dreams are not pure imaginations, that somehow, it has some granules of truth and I feel anxious whenever I see it that way.


Strange then to think that who we are is in part defined by an entire second life most of us rarely remember. The first life is the dreamland and there perhaps is the first and oldest use of simulation: an approximation of the real world created by our own minds in the night as we quietly sleep, a world where we can safely explore ideas, where we can face our fears without peril, learn the consequences without suffering them, a place which delightfully becomes everything we want it to be, eliminate all of what makes the real world complex and unfair, be the person we only wish we are, a place we can even die and live to learn from it. Isn’t it magical to try things without risking anything at all? Isn’t it nice to play in there and never wake up just because the dreamland has no heartaches and failures?


I am getting too deep. I must admit that I still feel like drowning whenever I try to produce something on paper. I cannot figure out why my shallowness kept itself on a corner. Maybe someday it will again dominate my thinking. Maybe because for the past days, I’ve been having the most meaningful dreams in my entire years of existence and I wonder what those things actually mean. I wonder what those are trying to do and manipulate in my personhood. I thought that I should stop and say, “Hey, I must be more concern about what my subconscious mind tells me because I’ve always talked but never listened.” I am no one of a dream-interpreter or any of the like and the truth is that what those dreams actually mean is the least of my concern. What I am actually after is the voice of my inner self, the one I deprive and destruct. I am after the signal from myself, whether she likes me to take a pause, to move in the speed of light or just go with the flow. I am after hearing my silent self and that happens in my bizarre dreams, where things usually get together yet also take apart, where things are real yet also imaginary, where things are both concrete and conceptual, where things turn out and also winds back itself.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Scribbler

A writer is crazy and is always exaggerating. She is highly imaginative and knows the art of lying somehow. A writer emotes easily, laughs at the silliest jokes, appreciates everything she sees and feels because somehow that is part of life and that will be the next topic of her paper. She sees all of those tiny things like a speck of dust and will make a big deal out of it just because she needs to produce something on paper. A writer has a third eye and sees all of what the others don’t. She sees the beauty that lies within the unpaved road and is able to spot beyond those hard rocks. She looks at all things differently and over stresses everything, treats everything on its extreme, drowns herself to words and unspoken ideas and later on sits in front of a clean pad paper. She holds then pen on her right hand, fingers excited to play, pushes the pen while her heavy head rests on her left palm, reflects deeply while imagining that she is somewhere place else with someone important, thinks about her only inspiration and the aspiration to always make him proud and happy, bows down and concludes that mental blocking happens, cheeks blushing of slim dissatisfaction, tsktsk-ing miserably, trying to escape reality, sighs unfathomably, erases what she’ve written a while ago, realizes that some words just don’t contain exactly what she wants to impart, writes again, unpushes the pen, crumples the paper and piles it to the mountain of paper on her side, pushes the pen again this time with determination and a promise to write something that shall entertain and will reveal slight of herself and then writes once more.


A writer is emotional, allowing herself to cry while pouring herself out in letters. She cries just because of her love for words and because of that satisfaction only writers understand. She is irrational and biased, writing about what she loves and what she hates and drawing a worn-out track between the paths of those two, clearly distinguishing and separating one from the other. A writer doesn’t care much about what others think about her work. Yes, it matters, but her focus is on how she will make the most out of her inscriptions. A writer crafts all of the words she know so that she will make a masterpiece and it will be something like wine whose aroma acts like a drug which makes the writer more addicted and crazier. A writer believes that every dream comes true when it terms to writing. She uses the ability to escape from the pitiful reality only to be revived in that sweet wonderful world of mind's eye where every wish draws closer to genuineness. A writer breathes and with every breath she takes is the desperation to be read, to be appreciated, to be recognized, to be satisfied.


A writer is expressive. She hugs all the expressions she need to say and shouts it to the world. She is brave to face what she cannot face ordinarily. She connects events and figures out the reason about everything which happens. A writer is always out of her mind and is dying to write while watching the television, understanding nuclear fusion, listening to the music, stopping herself from being ballistic, taking a bath, feeding the cat, talking on the phone, eating ice cream on a cone, solving a Math equation, watching Jimmy Neutron, cleaning the house, catching the mouse, while idle. She writes and writes and writes just because she wants to.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Under the Moon

Carry me under the moon and let me feel the frosty air that is allied to the Christmas season. In there, we will sit and hold each other’s hand and admire its perfect round shape and how it illuminates the dark sky. We will switch our attention to those old trees whose leaves’ designs are so much intricate for human’s comprehension and whose branches are shadowed in the ground by the moon’s startling brilliance.

Let us walk under the moon and look up and whisper how we love to be with each other’s company. Let us walk and feel the warmth of each other’s arms while people envy how lucky I am to be with someone like you and make everyone who see us conclude that we are meant to be. Let us walk under the cold nighttime with the nature surrounding us and singing sweet lullabies in order to make each other smile and make that smile even more illuminating than the moon. Allow me to tell you how much you mean to me and how much that visit made me jumping because of joy. Allow me to savor each second passing by for that was the most essential part of my living.

Stop for a while and sit and love the way the moon illuminates within your eyes. Allow me to realize things while I am under the comfort of your company. Pinch and convince me that I am not dreaming about my heart which belongs to you and yours belongs to me. Never cure me on the addiction I currently have in you for in this condition, I am loving you more than life itself. Look up and realize that we are both under the same starry sky while I am sincerely wishing that things will forever stay this way and love will forever be this sweet. Look up and admire those twinkles while I am thinking that nothing sparkles the way it does whenever I am with you and that sparkle is much more exquisite than those street lights, those bright stars and that full moon. You make me realize that the Twilight Saga can come true in my life and that someone real is a lot better than Edward Cullen.

Look up at those clouds trying to decrease the moon’s sheen but are unsuccessful because the moon will make a way just to dominate the dark night sky. Look up while I am admiring a more breath-taking scene than the moon and that is a very delicate face of an angel which is with me and is holding my hand. Look up while I do realize that our souls are connected and that I just can’t breathe without you. You make me wish that I have a special power to pause the time for as the moon becomes brighter, the night becomes deeper, reminding me that no matter how this day may seem so perfect, it has to end with you and me in our own different houses yet I hope- just hope- that someday, we will never have to part our ways and we will watch the moon slowly drifting away because the sun is already rising. Though it takes time, I know that we will still be the same: the way we look at each other and see no other people, the way I relax when you put your arms around me, the way we laugh with each other’s silly jokes, the way we smile because we kind of know what each other is thinking about, everything!

Bring me under the moon and make me realize than you are all that I hoped to find in every single way. Allow me to do the simplest thing in the world- to sit beside you, hold your hand, rest my head on your shoulders then tell you that I love you and mean it and we’ll both see how the world will crack open.

My Top Ten Best Feelings

Since I am balancing the mood on this blog (I mean, I don’t want to ruin the day of my readers just because they read something annoying or frustrating here in my blog and so I make it a point to still include good things here), the only topic that should be next to my top ten worst feelings is about the top ten best feelings of mine.

10. Making cute and little children happy by buying them candies and giving them coins then end up admiring their innocence I once had but gone forever and hearing all those gratitude for me that will truly make my heart swell with joy and satisfaction.

9. Bonding with someone whom I am very close with before but is now staying on a different school and so I miss a lot then being with him again after some time and realizing that nothing changed and we were still the friends we used to be before we got busy.

8. Figuring out that awesome reason why something bad happened then realizing that it’s just a way to make me even stronger and happier and feeling the fading away of the melancholy that at some point dominated my life.

7. Having some serious talks with my mom who seem to understand everything that I am going through and knows me so well and lets me know that I am on my right track although it somehow seems that I don’t have any hope left in me and lets me know that whatever happens, she’ll always be proud of me and she’ll always love me.

6. Coming up with a post which came from my heart, typing it with all the passion and all of what my mind tells me that directs my fingers then end up hearing and receiving nice comments from those bloggers I admire and look up to and seeing my followers grow little by little.

5. Doing my best in everything that I do even though it hurts and it deprives me of the fun I am supposed to have then end up harvesting all of the hard works and sacrifices I planted and achieving my goal then seeing that I made those people who trust me really happy and proud of what I did.

4. Thinking about negative things and how those will ruin my day and deny me with my happiness then end up realizing that I am wrong and my sad expectations did not occur and that the day is so great and every little pessimism that I thought about won’t be happening at all.

3. Waiting for hours for him while he is having his class, finding leisure moments while busy thinking about him and happy moments with him then finally seeing his bright face and whisper to myself that no matter how long the wait may seem, it will still be worth it just because it’s for him.

2. Hearing from the one I love the most that it’s me who makes him happy and seeing his smiles while his eyes smile with him, feeling his warm arms wrapped around me to protect me from the coldness of the surrounding and seeing only his face although there are a lot of other people around us.

1. Hearing all those sweet words and lines from him under the bright stars and moon and end up realizing that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and feeling the uncertainty of tomorrow but grasping that though it’s uncertain, it’s worthy of fighting for and that makes me want to hold and love him forever.

Friday, January 09, 2009

My Top Ten Worst Feelings

I was in a jeepney when I thought of making a blog post about those worst feelings I had. I am not sad, neither I am frustrated. It’s just that I am in the mood for reminiscing those things. I know that in this cruel world, I should just be reflecting about those happy and nice things, something that will save me from the brink of despair but I cannot let this eat me out. I have to write it and tell the world. These are the top ten worst feelings I had:

10. Appearing so trying-hard just to explain to people what I really feel when all the while and no matter how I elaborate further, no one understands me the way I want to be understood.

9. Being angry with a long-time friend for all his faults but because we are so much intact with each other and I cannot manage to stay angry with him, I end up destroying myself with that rage I put aside my veins.

8. Planning up thrilling activities for a particular day, being sleepless the night before the grand day because of so much excitement and preparing myself after waking up only to find out that it won’t push through because my friends have decided to back themselves out.

7. Seeing his friendster account and his photos with his girlfriend and thinking that it could have been me and it could have been us only if I knew how to be expressive enough in order to keep him and make him feel that he is important to me.

6. Doing my best for a Math exam up to the point that it did not left me with my sanity and I did not left any pessimism for myself and I greatly expected that somehow, everything will be okay while answering those questions only to find out that I will gloriously fail.

5. Being proud of myself that I was able to forget someone I loved from the past then turning on the radio and hearing the song we used to sing when we were still together then ending up hugging my knees and crying in the corner, realizing that I simply learned to live my life without him but still stupid and crazy in loving him.

4. Convincing myself that at the end of the day, everything will simply fall back to their respective places, whispering ‘Cheer up!” and expecting that there will still be some reasons to be happy then end up realizing that I fooled no one but myself.

3. Missing someone who is not away from me. He’s with me but then I feel that there lies something unusual, it’s like there’s something wrong but there’s actually none. It’s like there is something missing but I don’t know what it is and it’s very difficult to search for something when I don’t know what it is that I am actually searching. My usual resolution? Just reminisce the yesterdays when I feel perfectly fine.

2. Saying “I am okay” when what I really meant is that “I am jealous on her because she makes you happy, too and I fear that you’ll develop the love you once had for her and what shall happen to me if that happened? I want to keep you as endless as forever and I don’t want anyone to stop that thing. Sorry if I am being so possessive and jealous. Sorry if I am beginning to interfere with your life. Sorry because I am kind of insecure towards everyone. I just don’t want to lose you.”

1. Causing someone very special to be sad and worried when all the while I promised myself that he will be the last person I’ll hurt or be unkind to and causing his bright eyes to be full of uncertainties and lose its sparkles when I am striving hard to make him the happiest person in the world.


Sunday, January 04, 2009

This Isn't It Yet

After three months of waiting, I think it’s gone. I mean, THIS. It was October 2008 when a friend asked me to be his partner on making a particular book with short stories in it. That time, I was too frustrated on Math and so I immediately agreed. I was so excited, well, who wouldn’t? I committed myself to that project, squeezing my brain out in order to produce creative short stories on paper and took Creative Writing classes in order to make my writing skills a lot better. For me, it was something, because publishing a book, or at least printing it and saving a copy in my home library is like a wonderful dream-come-true for a little aspirant like me. It was something I’ll be forever proud of and it’s never because of the revenue I will have once the book became a hit. Money can never satisfy my dream of writing. My mom warned me about that. She said that I shouldn’t obligate myself that easily and think rationally especially now that I am in college and I have many things to accomplish. She said that I’ll exhaust myself if I write but she was wrong. The truth is that whenever I am exhausted, I write and everything turns up alright.


It’s gone. After I sent him my stories, he did not show himself and have me felt his presence anymore- no texts, no e-mails, and no offline messages at all. I know him and his respectable nature doesn’t include being a thief of other’s works. He has a pride and he’d rather publish lousy thoughts which he made by himself rather than steal the writings of others. I reached up to him and tried to talk to him. I asked him about what’s up and how’s the book going. That time, I was ready for any answer. I did not expect to hear that the book is on its editing or publishing stage. He was sick at that time and told me that he fears that this won’t push through because of the differences in our priorities, too. I said that it was okay and he doesn’t need to feel the pressure about that book. I said that we still have lots of time to push through the plan some time and we don’t need to rush things. “Come what may,” I said and it’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that I believe that what’s meant to be will always find its way. It works on love as in career. Surprisingly, I was not disappointed or any of the like. I did not feel like it was some sort of a shattered dream. Of course, publishing a book means a lot to me but I guess, I should just wait for that right moment when I don’t commit grammar errors anymore whenever I write. Maybe I should just wait for that right moment when everything I write is interesting in my readers’ perspectives and I am extremely comfortable with the language. I do believe that that right moment is not yet now. I am still like a raw fruit, exposing myself to the ray of the sun in the middle of an arid farm, which feels so affectionate and to the delicate pea-sized raindrops in the middle of chilling street children which otherwise feels so wintry. I am exposing myself to every bit of both hatred and love, to both anticipation and frustration, to both melancholy and bliss so that someday, I’ll have every genuine and sensible thing to write about.


It’s okay… it is really. After all, I feel so contented with this blog by now. I feel like it’s a wide-mouth basin which catches all of the thoughts that fly out from my mind and later on molds it like clay and produces a figure which I will be very pleased to look at and play with. This blog is like an open book with several blank pages for me to write on and reflect upon- no rules and no restrictions for the mere reason that this is mine. I am happy with this now. I mean, if the book will still push through, then why not? I will be very glad to continue but if it won’t, there is no such big deal on my part since I am already contented.


Saturday, January 03, 2009

Sisters by Heart and Blood

Today is my last day here in our home before I finally go back to school and back to my dormitory. Two weeks of my stay here is different. It seems like it was a bit longer than a two-week stay and I must say that unlike my past semester break, I was able to enjoy it this time (You might want to read THIS) and never complain about boredom that much.


Two weeks seem to be short to think that everyday, my sister and I do lots of crazy stuffs like staying up too late just because we have many funny jokes for each other, making ourselves busy with stuffs like board games. Together, we did couple of household chores everyday to at least lessen the burden of our mother and household chores had never been that enjoyable. We water the plants then sprinkle water on each other’s face. We cook our food and make-believe that we are professional chefs. When there’s nothing to do in our home, we go to the nearest mall and shop in there and afterwards, pig out. I am happy that for the longest run, we finally had the bonding that will strengthen the tie between sisters. She is my only sibling and I am older than her for six years. For the past several years, when I was still very immature and so is she, never did a day pass without our petty arguments. We were extremely different people with no spots of compatibility. She wants pink and I want blue. She hates our dad and I love our dad. She is timid and shy while I am loud and confident. She wants cartoons and I love horror and so we will fight over the television, giving our parents more problems. I was mad at her, mainly for not appreciating the things I do, for not running an errand for me and for simply being who is she. For the past several years, I did not see her as my own sister until this Christmas vacation that I get the chance to know her more although we live in the same house since birth. This holiday season, I woke up and was able to land my eyes on her and finally say, “Hey! My blood is running in her veins!”


Now that I am moving again in my dormitory, I’ll surely miss my sister, she who will wake me up in the middle of the night only to tell me secrets about her crush, she who will go to the 24-hour convenient store just to buy me some potato chips, she who stays up late with me though sleepy just to make sure that those bad dreams won’t haunt me again, she who told me that though I am struggling, she still believes that I am the best sister in the world anyone could ever have and that she looks up to me, she who told me that through these years, she surreptitiously appreciates everything I did for her… it’s just that she doesn’t know how to express her gratitude.


The best part about going back to school is going back to the life I am used to have and being with the friends I surely miss a lot. The worst part is that I’ll spend some quiet times alone in that room again, hearing the clock tick and the fan breathe. I’ll spend some quiet time again there, alone with no one except my alter ego. Somehow, that independent time for myself allows me to discover a lot of things about life and death and allows me to reflect about the past, the present and the future- some questions like what do I really want in my life and what makes me really happy. That makes me want to reach Friday again for during Fridays, I head home with the people excited to hear about what happened to me for the past five days. During Friday, I eat dinner together with other people.


After this day, I’ll be going back there again. I am still unprepared… for the exams and emotionally. I am still having those bad dreams (that will be another post) and I am quite scared that no one like my sister will help me drive those dreams away (sigh) but then again, I have no choice.