Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pandemonium

…and oh, the dulcet surrounding and the gentle drizzle rippling the river, a serene curtain kissing my face hello and Mr. Monsoon whispering me messages from below. A bright and shiny day within my seam… away from despair, now I beam. Life is insane, life is divine. It makes me wonder how many of moments like this are lies… how many of feelings like this are just sweet dreams, waiting to be burst like spheres of bubbles of a playing child, like yawns of a sleepy fellow immune to caffeine, like dazzling fireworks and its perks.

Life is an illusion and soft as a marshmallow. It is colorful as a flower-shaped lollipop. Superheroes are true but fairies are not. Angels exists and so are beasts. The sun is rude and the moon is romantic and constellations are invented by the hopeless and quixotic. Snowflakes are unique like thumbprints and like people are but never will they be more fascinating than penguins and penguins will never be more fascinating than his soul, not even close to that. Words are not just expressions. They are formed on the mind, nurtured by the heart and spoken not by tongues but by eyes. They are absorbed by the ears, interpreted by the heart and reflected back by the eyes. Life is a song and very melodic… yet at times, becomes delightfully sarcastic. Tears may be happy and they may be sad, an indication that they may both be good and bad. Life is a dance but not a tango. It may be eaten while ripe or raw, like a mango.

Life itself is an inspiration. It is both a notebook and a pen. It is as experienced as a man on his death bed and as refreshed as a new born-baby. It may be a novel, a poem or an honest biography, telling you what happened, including history.

Life is about a child etching his name on the sand then washed by the angry waves. It is also about our ancestors who first lived their lives on caves. Life is all about me and you and his dog named Blue. It is about every person and every little thing that breathes… and every little thing that does not.

Life is about Math and also about English. It is also about Theology and Philosophy. Most of the times, it contradicts itself but life still remains as a theorem to be proven and a lemma to help you prove and the proof itself. Life is about Romeo and Juliet and about Jamie and Landon. It is also about Francis Magalona and Paris Hilton.

Life is Harry and will always be him. Death does not exist and so does a witch. Snow White is mortal and all she needed was a kiss. Happy endings are true and fairy tales are non-fiction. What remains a joke that fools humankind is the concept of nuclear fusion. Who I was, I am and will be are all written in scripted destiny. Chance is a lie and so is a bittersweet goodbye. Fate is a lazy goddess who is mad at Eros. She makes us misinterpret life and make it appear to be full of flaws. Life is not a rhyme but love is. Real expressions doesn’t sound good, full of fears, full of tears and no one actually hears.

Life is from heaven and so is he. Dealing with life makes me impaired, melancholic and misshapen… yet also makes my soul awaken. Life is love and love is life. Life is in each other's pocket from everything in some ways. Love is inseparable from him and every single way.

Monday, April 27, 2009

'Twas Better Not to Blink

April 27, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is weird. I feel like I want to do something but I don’t know what it is. You know the feeling when there are so many things you want to talk about and there are so many things that you are planning to do but then, when you start doing these things and when you start talking all about those, you’ll feel very tired and there’s dissatisfaction, like you suddenly figured out that that’s not what you really wanted to do.

Today is Monday, the start of my week and every Monday, I just feel energized. We had our second long examination in Math a while ago and everyone was frustrated. My professor is starting to evolve from an angel to a monster. She is giving us a lot difficult exams, something which requires the course and a comprehensive review. I was frustrated not because of my professor’s transformation. I think that we also need that difficulty in order for us to remain in our next Math course and not fail it again. I was frustrated because there were one or two questions in the exam wherein I thought about the answer when it was ten seconds left. Well, it was too bad for me but still, it was better than what I expected.

I was supposed to celebrate the end of the second part of Math discussions. There are just three to go so on Friday, I can say that I am already half-way from my official vacation. I went to the mall and walked my way there and I though that there isn’t much to do so I just went home but I wasn’t sleepy at all so I just played some computer games repeatedly, still unsatisfied and craving for something I know not. I felt sad… because I was uncomfortable in my own home and I hate that feeling when I cannot do something relaxing or productive. I can’t write my emotions out, I cannot talk to my mom, I can’t play with my sister, I am not happy hearing certain songs, I don’t feel happy upon killing all the monsters and I cannot solve exercises because the new topic will just be introduced tomorrow and I don’t have something to review. I wished that this is just a dream… a big dream, something to prepare me for the day and something to remind me to slay the usual, whatever happens. I went to my bed and started writing this. I told you, there really is nothing to do and if I don’t help myself, I’ll lose my enthusiasm this early. I felt Charlie’s blood of “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” flowing in my veins. I wonder how people are feeling tonight and if someone can feel the same way I am feeling, that there are so many things to do that I want to but when I start doing them, I feel very uncomfortable. That’s irritating, a lot more irritating than PMS-ing.

How I really wish that this is just a dream within a dream, that nothing is like what they seem. I prefer to have a very difficult exam than have a less difficult one but me feeling this way. I prefer to have gloomy weathers and muddy slippers than me feeling this way. I prefer to be asleep for the whole day and skip my April 27, 2009 than me feeling this way for the day. Sigh. I hope and pray that this feeling may soon go away.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Better Questions

As a promise, here are ew sets of questions. Feel free to grab them (wink).
1. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
I prefer cold weather. That kind of weather is perfect for just staying home and staring outside the window, wondering how many other people are doing the same.

2. Last thing you bought?
A powercard.

3. Have you ever been in a hotel room lately?
No. The last time when I was in a hotel room was when I was still in grade four and my family had a Hong Kong summer vacation.

4. When was the last time you cried?
A while ago. I am not sad. I just watched the family of Francis Magalona (died about two months ago) singing his signature songs on television and everyone in the studio was singing with them. Nothing can drive people all together for support other than the Master Rapper.

5. Have you ever get drunk with your number one?
I haven’t got drunk, honestly.

6. What is your ideal partner?
My ideal partner is someone who knows what I need without me mentioning it and is sensitive enough for all of my needs. I prefer someone who can cheer me up and can give me a lot of endorphins and can also share serious talks with me. I want someone who is strong enough to live without me but chooses not to.

7. Do you want to tell someone something?
Yes. There are a lot of people whom I want to tell something to and I don’t know what’s stopping me from telling them. Maybe it’s the fear of possible consequences… but I hope that someday, I can tell them directly and situations may become lighter.

8. Have you ever told anyone you were okay when you really weren’t?
LOL. I did… so many times already, but special people can figure out that I am actually dishonest. Saying “I am okay” when I am actually not is the short cut to avoid people being sorry for you. Somehow, when I do this, I am holding back my pride. It is the safest way.

9. How old do you think you will be when you finally want to have kids?
I don’t have any idea yet. It’s so early to think about those things. I am just seventeen, still too young for raising kids of my own. For now, Math is enough. How I wish that it will always be enough.

10. Would you ever forgive someone if they cheated on you?
I guess so. After all, time heals all wounds, right? If ever someone cheated on me, I’ll be angry for some time then realize that they are not worthy of my attention, not even my anger so why bother. Eventually, I’ll learn to forgive but maybe I won’t forget.

11. When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friends?
Hmm… if chatting is considered as talking, it is just a while ago but if not, it was still last March.

12. Have you lost contact with someone you miss?
*sigh* No. I have contacts with him.

13. How are you feeling right now?
I am tired of Math. I spent the whole day solving for related rates and feeling bad about myself whenever I cannot solve for something. Argh! After this, I’ll be back to solving again those items which I set aside a while ago.

14. How do you want your next birthday?
I want it to be happy… happier than I already am, if that is still possible.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Savior Survey

...and yes, oh yes, after eating my dinner, playing free cell, restarting my solitaire and chatting with some friends, I now face the fact that there is no way I can think of a very interesting topic. I bore myself upon trying to write one and if not because of my writing quota, I won’t be here to talk about things which happened today. Anyway, while browsing on friendster and checking some bulletins, looking for insecure ladies who keep on fighting there, I found some surveys and I decided to answer some and post my answers here. Some maybe interested (and if you are, feel free to grab this anytime).

1. If we were to look in your text inbox, what would we find?
Well, you’ll find nothing but messages, lots of messages. I am too lazy to erase them and so I just do whenever my memory card complains about insufficient memory.

2. What’s your status?
I am single… and yes, I am. Believe it or not.

3. If SINGLE, why?
Hmm… because that is better or if not better, at least, safer. I can imagine myself being in a relationship and I am afraid that I will turn into a venomous monster. I am really the jealous kind of girl and still too immature and once given the right to be jealous, I might abuse that right and that will bring my boyfriend and I into a lot difficult situation. Of course, I don't want him to suffer because of my insanity.

4. What can’t you wait for?
I cannot wait for Monday and after Monday came, I can’t wait for Friday. How ironice but for now, I am just waiting for Monday. I am excited each time I think about dealing with Math again on Monday. It’s not that I am addicted to the subject. It is just that when it’s Monday, everyone is busy and I try to camouflage with my surroundings in order to adjust. Whenever I am pre-occupied with something serious, Math perhaps, I distract myself from my drama and thus makes me avoid melancholic moments.

5. What do you do most of the time?
I usually write, not just in this blog but in every little thing I can write on. May it be on paper, back of the notebook, bus’ ticket, tissue paper, hi-tech gadgets, everything! I write when I feel like writing and I do it because of its therapeutic results.

6. How late did you stay up last night and why?
Last night, I actually slept early. By eleven, I was already in my dreams. I was able to sleep early because my body and mind are really exhausted. I wrote yesterday that I really was over-all exhausted and I guess, that reflected on the time in which my body recognized that it was time to sleep, that it was time to heal.

7. Where was your default picture taken?
It was taken on my dormitory and there isn’t much big deal about it.

8. Do long distance relationships work?
I hope so. I hope that lovers will just realize that they shouldn’t care about the distance. They should just be caring about each other.

Okay. Enough of those questions. I hope that you find them exciting in any way. I will be answering more tomorrow. Have a good night, everyone. I almost failed writing everyday. Thanks to this survey. It saved me from breaking the promises I made.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Thank God it's FINALLY Friday

April 24, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today was a real “whew”! Not only was I physically exhausted, I was also mentally challenged. I am actually talking about what we discussed a while ago in my never-dying Math class. We are already in the part which I didn’t understood clearly last semester so I am inserting double efforts now. Somehow, the discussion was clearer and as usual, my professor related it to love, to life and to a lovers’ quarrel, making everyone say, “awwwww”.

Good thing that it is really Friday now. I cannot imagine myself attending a seven o’clock class tomorrow. I am fed up and though I still want to study Calculus stuff, there comes a time when the body will grumble about too much coffee and too less hours of sleep. I need a rest. I need a break. I am glad that the weekend has finally come. At least, the pressure is less and I got idle days. I was supposed to have a haircut for this day but I changed my mind. I am not sure why but maybe, it is because I am afraid to welcome another disaster and take another risk. For now, I’ll just stay contented with my haircut and pray that it will grow longer. Another reason why I did not have my haircut is that something unexpected happened again and that made me arrive home later than the usual. After arriving home, it was too late to head to the salon again. I was celebrating my Friday on the mall, reading short stories on bookstores, window shopping for new tops and slippers and looking for a nice gift for my mom on May 10. Up to now, I am still not quite certain why I went to the arcade store and played games there. Maybe I was just trying to relieve stress and do the things which I don’t normally do alone. Well, I was just trying to check out the Tokyo Drift game which is exciting as driving your own car even without education about it. I was drifting and it felt so good to bump into post, people or other cars in your imagination, where things stay as you want them. I don’t know how to drive a car and I don’t know if ever I still need to learn about that so to satisfy all of my frustrations, such games exist. While accelerating, recalling how to compute for rate of change and rectilinear motion and while feeling euphoric about pretending that I know how to drive, someone covered my eyes with his hands. At first, I was so mad because I thought that I might end up losing my valuables again. Who knows? Then, I thought that it might be him. After all, I know that he goes there. In fact, there were times when we went there together. So it was still possible though I was hanging on pointless assumptions. I thought that he was actually him. I said, “Harry?” then he did not remove his hands, making me realize that I was assuming too much and then I lost my game. He was a different person, the same person who pulled the tie on my hair when I was sitting in front of him on my way home. It’s not that I was disappointed. As a matter of fact, I was happy to see someone I know and have him defeat me at basketball while I beat him over air hockey. Surely, I won’t be playing those if I was alone. It’s just that I realized that even if I am “driving”, even if I am thinking about Math and making myself occupied with certain exercises, still, he is in my mind. He never left it and it is evident in my asking “Harry?” when there was no clue at all that it was him. I knew that he was home or somewhere place, but never in the place where I am but I still believed that it was him.

Welcome to the people of modern era! They still talk and blog even if there’s nothing to blog or sensible thing to write about. You’ll still see unworthy entries but couldn’t care less because blogs are special sites which don’t need others approval. Welcome to the modern world where blogging is the new solution for bad hair days or PMS or “the worst day of my life, ever”.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Poem-Writing

When I was young, I wrote a poem and its title is “What a Beautiful Word” and my teacher was disappointed because I did not know back then the difference of word and world. It was just a matter of the letter "L". When my mom saw my work, she laughed because the thought was nice, according to her, but I was pertaining into a different thing. I told myself that I won’t write anymore but Mother’s Day came and I got no gift for my mom so I wrote another poem and it was entitled “An Ode to a Mother” because I got the idea from page seventeen of my English book and the only thing I need to do is change the name of the mother and the name of the daughter who wrote it. My mom hugged me for that and she said that I write so well that I can publish that poem. I felt guilty because that was not originally mine. She asked me for a copy and told me that she’ll send it to some publishing house. I told her the truth that I just copied it from a book and then she felt a bit saddened. She then told me to make a poem of my own, that I can do better than that.

As I grew older, I stopped writing poems for my mom. I just thought that she deserves better than that and I bought her gifts on special occasions instead. When I was grade six, I decided to apply for a position in our school’s newspaper. To do that, I need to pass a poem, an essay and a story. I first finished the story and it was tragic. I then finished the essay which is quite “youngly” written then I can’t write a poem and tomorrow was the deadline. There developed a mountain of crumpled yellow paper on my side and still no finished poem. I thought about general topics like education or justice or the revised “What a Beautiful World” but the idea won’t flow continuously. I thought about love because it was a cool topic, something which everyone can relate and something that can make everyone either nostalgic or happier than they already are. I thought about love and wrote about that, thinking about words which rhyme with it—club, dove, sob and tried everything so that the last words will have the same sounds. Poems always rhyme and that is where I focus and not on the idea.

When I was high school, I still write poems about love or about someone special and those were made of love itself and stories I heard. I knew then that poems don’t need to rhyme in order to be called as one but sometimes, to impress people, it needs to. So when I submit works in my English class and my teacher will say, “I will choose the best poem and read it in front of class”, I see to it that it rhymes and sounds good and that my poem is made up of those drama stuffs of my classmates and teachers so that they can relate and they will love what I did. I have made so many poems asked by guys so that they can amaze the girl they are courting and I do all those only with free marshmallows in return to their favor.

Now, I wanted to write a poem, maybe something related to Math or love or Ode to a Mother because Mother’s day is weeks from now but ideas won’t flow easily. I’ll get a paper and write some thoughts and support it with certain realization then I’ll catch myself thinking about just writing an essay. I cannot remember the last time which I wrote a poem and it came from my heart and I want to do it now.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

When It Rains

April 21, 2009
Dear Friend,

Insufficient sleeps during travels are really not good. It might contribute to your wellness, adding minutes to your body’s rejuvenation but nevertheless, it will just annoy you. It is very irritating to be able to sleep on a bus then suddenly awaken because of a stop, only to realize that the stop was just right because you are almost near to where you are supposed to go. It happened a while ago and I really felt dizzy while walking on the foot bridge and after arriving a bit early for my classes, I needed to have some coffee and biscuits to keep me listening to my professor. Today, we’re done discussing limits and derivatives were introduced. In a normal semester, discussions about limits will take about a month but because this is summer semester and because everything and everyone is in a hurry, a week was just enough for comprehension, application and appreciation. Today, the result of the exam we took yesterday was also given and I am happy to reap what I’ve planted. Finally, contentment was present and I checked my test booklet right after it was given to me to see if there are certain points that I would like to ask my professor. I didn’t hide it from others and from myself.

After being dismissed on time, I thought about what to do in order to break that routine of waking up, traveling, studying, traveling and sleeping. I did not have any plans for the day. I was just determined to escape the usual but I have no specific things to do in order to achieve that goal. I was still thinking when the rain started pouring. I brought my umbrella out and stare at the sparkling rain, thinking about lines of songs and lines that may compose a poem. I thought about happy children and grateful plants and then I walked on that same road where we usually walk towards our next class. I thought about that particular instance when it did rain too and it was just too warm. I was on his left and he was holding my umbrella with his right hand, keeping the two of us dry and from the weather. The rain during that time was intense and the wind was blowing feeble people. It was cold… but it was also warm because his left arm was wrapped around me, making me feel secured and blissful. It was one of the highlights of my life, making me grateful for all the blessings I am receiving. It was one of those moments shared with him that I will never ever forget because the thought that he didn't care about other people whom he knew and who might see that sweet scene can never be erase. We walked and avoided little swamps of water forming on the side of the street. We walked and everything which happened made me fall even deeper... no escape and no turning back.

After reminiscing those things, I found myself sitting on a car, looking outside the window and near to sleeping. If it wasn’t because of the song playing on the background, I must have drowned into sweet imagination. My eyelids were giving up and the coffee wasn’t anymore on its effect. I wasn’t able to break my routine because of heading home right after dismissal but the rain did it for me. Unlike the other days, I used my umbrella a while ago to make me dry and hear the sweet song of the tapping raindrops on my umbrella. For the first time this summer, I did not use it to protect myself from dehydrating. Today is not as exciting as a roller-coaster-ride but it was like being in a Ferris wheel and seeing gleaming lights of the city from where I was quietly sitting, being in high spirits whenever my seat is on its peak and later on, realizing that no matter how high I’ve reached for the day, down points are still present, too.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Monday, April 20, 2009

Bittersweet Longing

I miss our laughter that brings sunshine to my day and makes me forget that there are other people in the world. I miss waking up early and seeing him at the first part of the day. I miss him whenever people keep on asking all about him and if ever we’re seeing each other or even when they don’t, I still got the longing feeling. I miss the way I become so talkative whenever we’re together and talk like there is no tomorrow, negligent about the fluttering time. I miss being quite irresponsible and chatting with him while the professor is discussing and the feeling of deprivation from being too sweet because someone in front and is saying something. Now, I am again seeing what I am missing and what I am loving.

I miss waiting for the “right jeepney” to come and staring at him through the side mirror, admiring how elegant and wonderful life is and what did I do to receive such blessing. I miss teasing him and trying to make him smile through those quite offensive teases then later on say sorry and mean it and be the sweetest lady he can have. I miss the satisfied feeling of seeing him smile and realizing that that sweet thing is because of my continuous effort and telling myself to try even harder the next time because nothing sparkles the way it does whenever he seems happy.

I miss spending lunch with him and waiting patiently on the corner, trying to think about other ways on how I can express my love further. I miss thinking of other things then seeing his footsteps moving slowly towards me then I’ll look up, seeing my love, my life then everything is on fire. I miss saying “It’s up to you” whenever he asks me where I want to eat and realizing that it’s not the food I am after for. It’s actually his company and the happy feeling packaged with it. I miss being jealous with the glass in which he is drinking in because for once, it kissed my moon, my sun, my star, my world, my everything. I miss how he holds my hand after a sumptuous lunch and fighting my tears so that I won’t cry publicly for the joy that I am feeling.

Most especially, I miss being with him and feeling assured whenever he says “It’s okay” or “It shall be okay” even though we both know that we’re hoping for the impossible. I miss the way I suddenly become alright when before seeing him, I was stormed and hopeless. I miss the feeling of safety which is always present when he is around. Now, I got what I want, the satisfied feeling of passing my exam, knowing that if it’s not perfect, it’s near to that but still, I’m weeping silver tears of missing someone. Math isn’t life—that’s one thing my professor told me which I beg to disagree now. It may reflect some parts of life but never will it become life itself, the source of someone’s strength and their weakness itself, the thing or person someone is living for, the sweet inspiration which makes the whole battle and wounds worth fighting for.

I miss how he says my name in that sweet familiar voice and how it devastates my sanity. I miss hearing “I love you” from him and never caring if he meant it or not, as long as I love him and I don’t care if there’s anything to gain back. I miss how he stares at me and how it melts my whole being. I miss missing him when it’s just five minutes ago since we parted ways and missing him still despite the fact that I’m going to see him again tomorrow morning. Sigh. I miss and love everything about him.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Book to Remember

April 19, 2009
Dear Friend,

I have just finished reviewing for my Math exams tomorrow. It took me five hours to gain the confidence that I’ll do well for that exams. This is very important for me, not to my grades but to my personality. This is the second time that I am going to take a similar exam and if this is going to be easier or more difficult, that’s not the issue. The thing is that, since this is already my second encounter of the topic, I should find it a piece of cake and be able to understand it clearer. A while ago, I found myself struggling with pride. To fail Math 63 is one thing and to fail it again is another. The first thing happened but it’s too much if the latter will also occur. It will really suck up all of the self-esteem which I was able to gain over the past years. Now, I swear, I am doing more than what I did for the first time. There is no more valid excuse for failing.

Anyway, this day is not just about Math. I decided to open the folder in my computer that contains unfinished e-books. I also finished reading A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks, my fifth novel for this year and my second for this summer season. I cried a lot when I was on the part when Landon didn’t know what to do because sometimes, I feel the same way, too, that I am doing everything I can for that someone I love but I still feel that I am not doing enough, that there is still something missing. Well, my situation is a lot less complicated than theirs and I am grateful about that. The great Nicholas Sparks wrote it so well that I can imagine myself watching both of them and feeling hopeless, too. He never failed to make me cry for all those true love which were found and shared but later on separated. I spent this night watching trailers of the film and some clips. Honestly, I haven’t watch the movie for the reason that I wasn’t a fan before. I mean, I was inclined to suspense and horror before and I hate romance but as I grew older, well, I started having an interest about those sorts of movies. I guess I made myself more melancholic by doing so. It just so happen that I can associate almost all songs to that love story. Now, I cannot choose between The Notebook and A Walk to Remember. Both books made me cry and instilled some heart-warming lines that made me say “Awwww…” while reading. The crying thing is not because I hate the ending. Actually, it’s good and it won’t be something to remember if they lived happily ever after. The crying was because I’ve never heard such great and touching story and the hope that everything is as true and genuine as that.

Tomorrow, I am going to start with Gossip Girl and two weeks is my target duration for my reading. I know that it is kind of long but I suppose that it is enough if ever there are “Math emergencies” (those days when there is a bad need to review and focus on the subject). I’ll be disappointed with myself if I assigned a short period of time and then left the book unfinished. Sometimes, staying on the safe side is better (wink).

By the way, I miss him. I miss him a lot.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Sweet Saturday

April 18, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is Saturday and I am so glad that the weekend has finally arrived (I have been praying for it since last Tuesday). I saw this day as a moment to do everything I want which is usually hindered by Math. Now, I am saying “hinder” in a lot different perspective. Math is one of my priorities now and I am solving numbers because I want to and not last semester that I felt the urge to do so. Today was a “Math break” because even though I like it now, I need to unwind myself to gain a new perspective in what I am doing and not be fed up in any way. I don’t want to lose my enthusiasm again. I want Math to be a part of my world but not whole of it because that special part will always be played by CHGA.

I woke up at two in the afternoon, too late for both breakfast and lunch. I guess, I lacked sleep for the past few days and this day was a great revenge. Nevertheless, I still ate some food, filling my stomach and remembering the time when he said, “Man does not live by bread alone” and remembering how he said it and how I anticipated the next few words. I wasn’t wrong. I checked out my phone and read some messages and smiled when I read his. It was something full of love and full of concern that after reading it, I wanted to go back to bed immediately because my day was already complete. I decided to play some computer games, too and my mom saw me and felt happy for me when I told her that I had a monster kill. I know that she doesn’t appreciate those kinds of things. She hasn’t played any video or computer game except dear Tetris and that doesn’t include any brutality and violence. She just felt that happy because she knows that I am happy, too and she cares for me and for my feelings. By the way, something special happened last night. My mom is having a seminar everyday since Wednesday and whenever she arrives, I can see that she really is exhausted. Somehow, I feel sorry for her because if I am not having any summer class, she may be waking up at seven but since I am attending classes of such, she is waking up at four-thirty, preparing breakfast for me. I can see all of her sacrifices. Anyway, last night, I called a bakeshop and asked them to deliver a cake for my mom on the venue of her seminar. I asked them to put some icing which says “for the best mom in the world”. I guess they did because as soon as my mom arrived, she hugged me and told me that I am the sweetest daughter every mom wished for. I know that she got surprised and that’s what I really wanted to happen. I felt happy because I can feel her happiness, too and as her child, I always wanted the best things and best feelings for the person who had given me my life and hers. She asked me why I am so sweet with her and then I told her the truth. I said, “Harry is sweet with me and he really makes me happy whenever he is like that and so I thought that I can make you happy by being like that, too.” She smiled and told me that she loves me and that she is very happy with every thing which is happening with my life. She also told me that I have her support in whatever plans I do have.

I scheduled my tomorrow to be filled with comprehensive reviews for my first long exam. I promised myself that I will pass it and I also promised myself that starting on Monday, I’ll do everything to be free from my usual activities. I decided to break my routine and make a difference and welcome delicious ambiguity. I will slay the ordinary and return to being Little Miss Surprise. After all, life is too short to be taken for granted.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Friday, April 17, 2009

What I'm Missing and What I'm Loving

April 17, 2009
Dear Friend,

I woke up at 5:20 today, five minutes late for my “leaving time” and an hour late for my “waking-up time”. It was because of an alarm clock failure. So as I was taking a bath and rushing things, my mom was grumbling and scolding me for what happened. Swear, it was worse than the situation. It made my blood flow towards a different direction. You know when it’s your fault and the others are blaming you for what happened, it is simply irritating. They are giving more weights to the fault. It also occurred to me that it was Friday, my glory day, and the day I was actually waiting for. Then I realized that it is not everyday that these kinds of things happen. For the past few days, I’ve been living a routine. Nothing similar has ever occurred. Though not a very good one, this is still a twist, something that breaks my usual activities and spices up everything else. Then I got sad because in the back of my mind, I had another realization. This may be the only twist in my life today. After this, there may not be another one and everything is back to its normal mode, like a repeating déjà vu, like something unexplainably boring. I stopped the drama because it was too early to conclude those things. It was morning and really, you’ll never know what will happen.

Now, I am kind of laughing while writing this post. It is just that I assumed too many negative things and I ended up as again, surprised. I met the person I really love a while ago, spent some time updating him how I’d been and listening to how he’d been. He is not having any summer class and thus doesn’t have any sensible reason to go to the university. What happened seemed to be ordinary, only there was him and that made my day extra special and the ultimate highlight of the week. It was really an end to my very boring summer life. I know that on Monday, I’ll be back again into waking up, surviving Math and heading home but maybe, I’ll be thinking how he lights up everything else when he is around and how everything sparkles when he smiles. Maybe in that way, I can encourage myself to go on with this routine and be patient because after all, being with him is worth the entire waiting and all the sacrifices.

Today was humid and made me recall about the things or people I am grateful for. This summer semester is a lot different from my first two semesters in college, and this will probably be the nth time I am saying this. A while ago, I felt that today is also the same as the first two semesters, most especially the second one. I realized and saw the things which I am missing. I am aware that I am missing something but I cannot point that out. Now, I know them very well. It is the comfortable feeling I never failed to have whenever I talk to him and tell him what’s up though yesterday was the last time that I updated him. It’s the charm of his caring and the sweetness that gives me the thrills whenever I’m alone. It’s the simple comfy feeling when I rest my head on his shoulders and the way I walk really slowly whenever he is at my side. It is the sound of his "I love you" entering my ears, echoing in my heart, resounding for the rest of the day, convincing me that it was half-dream and half-happening, making me smile, making me happy and most especially, making me fall more deeply. Those are some of the things which I don’t have for this summer semester and though little they may seem, it is a lot different without those. Those things surely made such difference in my life that I am seeing myself hungry for it for the past few days. Nevertheless, today put an end to all of my starvation. I love how everything happened but I still love him more.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Thursday, April 16, 2009

QED (Quite Exciting Day)

April 16, 2008
Dear Friend,

Tomorrow is Friday (at last!) and I am happy that I don’t have any absence in my Math class yet. Every afternoon, while on my way home, I think about skipping a day which is equivalent to three meetings in an ordinary semester. You know, just a peaceful day when I will be sleeping without any bound and away from numbers. I do not hate Math now. I am just tired and very sleepy. I think, it is my professor that motivates me to go to school and try my best to be not late. She is really very encouraging. So far, I am always arriving ahead of her, excited for the day yet a bit sleepy because of the long journey. I think, I can never like Math the way I like it now. There is something in the way she teaches us that makes me want for more. Good for me, then.


You know how I hate Math before. I was cursing the subject and if not because of my classmates who are also there, I won’t sacrifice attending class at seven. All of these were witnessed by my blog. I was fed up with numbers and I hated everything associated with those concepts. This summer class is very unlike the first time I took it. It is the exact opposite now. I am glad that my enthusiasm for the subject is now back. I just hope that it will last until such time that I am ready for graduation.

Anyway, aside from having a very good discussion with my professor, this day was great in a sense that many things happened which I wasn’t expecting at all. I was expecting an ordinary one. As I left the room for our coffee break, I saw one of my friends who is not supposed to be there. I mean, he passed Math 63 and he is not supposed to go back to the university for anything. He sat in our room while we were having the second part of the discussion and everyone was asking him why he was there and everyone was also teasing him. The discussion became both lively and serious at the same time. That was the first time I heard my classmates laugh that hard. I felt comfortable about what’s happening. Maybe because for the first time, I felt that I wasn’t alone and I felt that I belong to the situation, that I was there and I am unlike those functions that DNE (does not exist). Well, that was good for me.

I dropped by the mall a while ago and spent some time enjoying the temperature. It was really humid a while ago that I felt like I need a bath right away. To lessen my burden, I decided to just stay on the mall for a little while and have my lunch there. Then, I finally decided to head home. I was waiting patiently for the driver and some other passengers and was sitting at the front seat when somebody pulled the tie that holds my hair together, letting my hair down like how it goes with Rapunzel. He was sitting on the back. Before listening to my rage, I suddenly thought about the person who usually do that thing to me and I was like, “No. It cannot be him. This is Quezon City and he lives in Malolos,” then I turned and saw him in his uniform. I wasn't wrong. He was having summer classes, too that's why he is in Quezon City. We had some conversation that made me forget again that I was alone. For the first time this semester, I did not fall asleep while on my way home. That was extraordinary.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Typical Post

April 15, 2009
Dear Friend,

Well, I actually don’t know what to talk about for this post. Today was okay but nevertheless, an ordinary one. There was nothing special, nothing new, and nothing even worthy of posting. (Well, that was my idea before opening my friendster account and finding such a sweet message) Tomorrow is our first quiz in Math and I am not feeling what I felt last time (that I knew I was going to fail that though I tried my best to review and understand limits, I cannot). I think it will be okay and not a disaster. At least, that is my expectation and I made it a point to do everything so that that expectation will later turn into a reality.

A while ago, I talked to my professor (the one I discussed regarding my first summer day spent in school). She was giving assignments and exercises to us so that we can solve while at home but it was on a book and I don’t have a copy of that. So I asked her if I can borrow her book and photocopy it and she said yes and so I did. I guess she wasn’t going anywhere and had nothing to do and so she joined me towards the photocopy machine. She then asked me a very intriguing question. She was not that youthful anymore and I thought that numbers and students are her world. I thought that she is not interested in anything but teaching. I was surprised but still answered, “I have none, ma’am. Why?” followed by an equally intriguing smile. I just cannot hide it. Then a classmate who heard our conversation said, “Where is he?” and she had a more intriguing smile than what we had. I answered, “He is not taking any summer classes” and we both know that. (I wonder why I still answered her as-a-matter-of-fact question) My professor then turned to me and gave me a lot intriguing smile than the previous and later asked again, “I thought you don’t have any boyfriend” and then the photocopying was done.

I was walking towards the waiting shed and realized that I was alone. Maybe it was the part that instilled on me that this day was nothing special. As I was taking steps, I can still remember the stuff my professor told us. It was neither the exciting question nor finding limits but it was associated with feelings and emotions and life. Our discussion a while ago was an intuitive one and she said that all the proofs will be laid out tomorrow and that we should first trust our feelings and faith about the thing because that is what and how we do with love. We use trust and feelings first. After solving and giving out the “numbers’ part” of the discussion, she said, “Study about the proofs of this because feelings and intuition are not always right” and everyone laughed… well, except for me. She was right about that but I did not find it funny in any way. I found it serious. I am just the kind of girl that remembers everything upon hearing a well-said statement. I remembered all my doubts and fears. I remembered those beliefs I am holding just because of pure intuition and I became afraid.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

first day of sCOOL

April 14, 2008
Dear Friend,

Today is the first day of my summer spent is school. Well, I will be lying if I say that it was as awful as I am imagining it to be. It was better than how I expected everything. First, I did not feel like vomiting while on the bus and on my way to school. Plus the fact that I wasn’t late (It was actually by chance that I wasn’t. I wonder if I’ll be late tomorrow. I hope not). After entering the classroom, there were past classmates who I recognized and recognized me as well. So it was fun complaining with them while waiting for the professor to come. It wasn’t as fun as spending time with him but it was just enough to distract me from my drama. When the professor arrived, I admit, I was too mean to judge that she is strict and very inconsiderate. She is, I think, already in her forties or fifties, wearing thick eyeglasses and formal pants, very technical with her words, has several white hair emphasized on those which are still black, on a floral black blouse and is slightly slouching, very unlike my past professors who are just on their twenties or early thirties and very youthful in everything that they do. I imagined myself sitting there for three hours, pinching myself occasionally not because I can’t believe that the moment is true but because of sleepiness and my deepest desire to hear the magic words “class dismissed”. My mind was pre-occupied.

When she started discussing and making introductions, I swear that she was every slow-learner’s dream teacher. She is very passionate to her work and I can say that she loves it when everyone understands. She makes it a point to see satisfied students listening to her and absorbing everything that comes out of her gentle mouth. She was doing everything she can so that everyone understands by heart. Take note, by heart. I just hope that it will continue for the next few weeks. It is so early to tell if I will be having a good Math course with her as my mentor. By the way, by “good Math course”, I mean a subject that is difficult (of course) but inspires me to make things easier for me and encourages me to persevere more and doesn’t suck out all of my self-esteem. She started the subject by saying “You are in the right track” and “I am wishing that you pursue you Math career although you are studying Math 63 on summer”. As I’ve said earlier, she made an introduction and I felt guilty for ever disliking Math, for cursing the subject and for disliking everything associated with it. She told it not to produce guilty students but sometimes, it just happens that simple things like that serve as wake-up call for the sleeping me. She was mentioning about an inflection point of a graph and correlating it to people’s lives and how God and faith can make someone make his/her way to an upward concavity. Well, those stuffs work for me and make me reflect amidst a nose-bleeding lesson. At the end of the day, I realized that my life is in its indeterminate form (still needs a lot of l’Hopital’s to be working).

That was the first part of my April 14. The latter was not that good in a sense that it was very exhausting and kind of made me starving (imagine: I was already VERY hungry at ten and I had my lunch at three). I thought that I will really melt because of the combined summer sunshine and hunger. Nevertheless, it was a good day, a lot better than all the bad imaginations I allowed myself to have. That’s the good side of being a pessimist: you are either proven right or pleasurably surprised. I hope that I’ll be pleasurable surprised again tomorrow. It’s a lot better than being proven right. :D

Love always,
Rhaingel

Monday, April 13, 2009

Summer Sacrifices

April 13, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is the last day of my vacation. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up at four-thirty in the morning and prepare myself for the first day of summer classes. I haven’t opened my Math book since the class has ended. I suppose that I’ll be doing that later. That’s what I’ve planned.

Somehow, I feel like I haven’t reached the point where I’ll be really enthusiastic about the subject and what I am going to do with this summer season. It seems not a special one in any way. It hasn’t sunk in to me yet. The thing is I am tired of studying during vacations and to tell you honestly, since I was incoming grade 6 (and that was six years ago), I haven’t had a formal summer vacation where I will have the chance to rest completely. When I was incoming grade 6, my dad said that I should review for my application for high school and I did. I didn’t have a choice, did I? I passed the exam and I went on to finish my elementary years. When I was incoming freshman high school, my dad realized that he wanted me to try to this university and check whether I can pass or not this phenomenal high school exam. I did but he did not enroll me in there. He enrolled me to an exclusive school for girls, which happened to be my alma mater. When I was about to be a sophomore high school, he said that I should try for a better scholarship and that meant that I have to review again. I did review and did pass the exam and did transfer school. When I was about to be a junior high school, my mom is not happy with the school I am currently enrolled in so she was thinking about enrolling me back to the school I was originally in but I have to pass this exam and that means reviewing again. I don’t want to disappoint her but after thinking about what shall happen to me, they decided to not transfer me anymore. Too bad, I already reviewed for it. When I was an incoming senior high school, I reviewed because I wanted to pass UPCAT, the examination that will determine the future of an aspirant UP student. It was not an easy exam and I tell you, if ever I passed it, it was really because of hard work and persistence and not about pure luck. I remember doing everything for it that I spent most of the times reading Biology books (which I really hate and I consider the weakest part of my education) and solving Math problems. I passed the UPCAT and it was the most satisfying exam I took. I also thought that it was the end of my kill-joy summer vacations but it wasn’t. When I was about to enroll myself to my first year in college, my mom confessed that sending me to Quezon City to study is not as easy as it sounds and I got her point. She wants me to apply for a scholarship and I did. I did review for it again, thinking that that was for my mother and for all her sacrifices of sending me to school and I did pass that exam, making me happy not for myself but for the lessened burden of my mom. Now that I am about to enter the second year of college, I am going to take Math summer classes. Lousy, boring and uninteresting but I am trying to set my mood for tomorrow and for the rest of the summer season and ignore all the tiredness that I acquired over the past years. That sounds and seems difficult but I am trying to make things better than how I expect them to be. Maybe I can find some time realizing that at least, all the reviews and summer sacrifices I made produced something satisfying. Maybe it’s better off that way. It’s just that this summer doesn’t sound fun and this “third” semester is a lot different from the other semesters I experienced. (sigh) I need a gallon of optimism.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Rhaingel's Quotable Quotes

After doing 154 posts over the past months, I made a bit of recalling a while ago. What I did, basically, is to read the posts I’ve posted but they were too many so I decided to read those lines I highlighted (those which are sometimes in blue or green or any dark color and are in italic and bold). I thought that these lines won’t be highlighted if they were not in any point, special. Surprisingly, I was laughing and feeling differently at the same time. I’ll try to tell you why.


“It was really nice that is why I never wanted it to end.” October 30, 2008. Wait. Before you jump in to conclusion that it is all about love, I’ll clear up that it isn’t. In this post, I was actually talking about high school life, particularly those positions I’ve handled. The experience was nice and I wanted that to last forever but college life started and I cannot help but entrust those positions to another deserving student and hope that he/she will do better than how I did.

“For a moment, I felt like everything was normal although it really wasn’t.” October 29, 2008. Yes. It was last October 29 and not yesterday or the day before yesterday. As how my life is doing lately, I really feel that it was a déjà vu. I was able to write that line because it was a semester break and to distract myself, I hand-washed our clothes. I guess, that line said it all.

“because I knew and understood that there is more to life than sweetness and laughter.” October 26, 2008. In this post, I was talking about how my dormitory life changed me. I was talking how boredom swallows me there and how I became a bit responsible and independent because of that major leap between being a baby and grown-up. I was also talking about how maturity took the scene and how I discovered emptiness. Right now, I still know and understand that life is more than sweetness and laughter, that there are behind those smiles I choose to show people. They just don’t know.

“I never wanted to be drowned in that same what if, what if, what if.” October 16, 2008. Hell, now, I can imagine how the first semestral break of college had ruined me for real. In this post, I was complaining that I wasted an hour of my life, playing paper dolls in my age. Well, it was because of boredom and I was able to say this line because I was justifying what I did. I said that I want to do the things which I wasn’t able to do last semester. I wanted to try everything so that I won’t have regrets and I won’t be drowned in that three what-if’s. Now, that is still the way my life is going.

“that after this day, it might never be the same.” October 13, 2008. This was a post which really is a product of my melancholy. It was the last day of classes last first semester and I just got sad because I realized that after that day, I may not be able to see the person who made my semester worth-taking. Well, I am just glad that that possibility never came true and that post will just contain one of my deepest fears.

It’s both funny and amazing to read these things again. I am just in October 2008 and I found myself entertained. I didn't imagine myself quoting myself. I mean, after some time, I realized that these lines are so right and I am so proud of myself for writing these things. This will serve as another inspiration for me to write and continue it whenever I feel like abandoning or just stopping everything. If it’s not for others, it will be for me and the future me, something to cheer me up during gloomy days (and not to mention, something to bring me down during my highest hours, but that’s given and that’s natural).

Deleting Friends

April 12, 2009
Dear Friend,

Before I write here, I was cleaning up my friendster account. By clean, I mean, I was deleting friends which I am really not friends with. I am deleting those strangers for the reason that I want that account to be exclusive to the people whom I know and know me somehow. Anyway, I got 1600 plus friends at first. These connections to people I’ve maintained for five years now. Currently, I have 1437 friends left and I believe that I will still delete half of them as I go on with my cleaning.

Anyway, cleaning my friendster account seems very interesting. I have friends who are not giving out their real names on the public site, just as how I make “Rhaingel” my on line name and I have to click the link which directs me to the profile of the mysterious person I am seeing. I have to do it because I don’t want to delete friends which I am really close with. Because of viewing their complete profile, I happen to drop by profiles of the people who are quite far from me now. Some of them are my classmates way back when I was elementary and some were teachers when I was a freshman or a sophomore. The fun thing is that after years of not hearing from them and seeing them, I got the chance to look at their pictures and say, “Blah blah changed a lot! She is now very pretty and is already a lady! I can still remember the time when we bought some ice cream and she ended up with the ice cream on her uniform!” After seeing how time changed all of us, I’ll drop by a message or a comment to make sure that they’ll know that I saw them. I’ll begin by saying, “Hey! This is (my real name)! Can you still remember me? I was your classmate when we were still in elementary!” and they’ll answer those same lines which run thus “Of course (my real name), I remember you! How can I forget? How’s life?” and from there will the conversation start and end and I have to wait for years again so that I can say, “Long time, no hear” or “Long time, no see”.

I don’t know what occurred to me that made me delete strangers when my initial motto is that, if they are not yet my friends, then I’ll make them one. Maybe I grew tired of people messaging me and asking for numbers or any contact detail and when you say, “I don’t give my number to strangers”, they will tell you that you are so snob and that you are not that pretty to act like a brat. It’s very disturbing, thinking that I am keeping my friendster because there are people connected in my account who are part of my life and will always be although distance separates us and time changed the way we used to be. Another thing, I hate to see accounts which have my or my words in it. I don’t see their point in grabbing or “borrowing” someone else’s picture just to pretend that they are that person and fooling other people. I also hate it when I see my picture in a particular account and the description and caption of that picture is somewhat asking for cell phone number of boys. Duh! I am not that desperate. Maybe the best thing to do is to eliminate fake friends in that website and let those real ones have the opportunity to come and go to Rhaingel’s profile. (wink)

Love always,
Rhaingel

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Bites from Insects and the Past

April 11, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is a bit lighter and I am glad that things are getting better for me. I want to be well again and I am not happy with my drama. I want to eventually get over the thing. I woke up at twelve noon, kind of long hours of sleep. I was so tired and I don’t know why. Anyway, I woke up and saw these little bumps on my back, arms and legs. These were insect bites and very itchy. My mom saw them and got mad. I do not know to whom but maybe, not on me because I was just sleeping and I don’t want that to happen to me. Anyway, as the clock turned two, I felt hot and I was. My mom said I have a fever and I look pale and she instructed me to go to my room and rest there but I wasn’t tired at that moment, not any more. Nevertheless, I followed her instructions. They say that mothers know best and that won’t be continuously repeated over the years if it’s not true.

I remembered that I had these similar bites when I was high school and I see this as a déjà vu, only, this is a lot worse. I will be having my impromptu speech in a competition outside the school. The day before that, a friend invited me to watch his table tennis competition and so I did. I thought that it is a perfect timing to lessen the pressure for the competition the next day. After all, I spent months preparing for it and I am ready. He lost his competition and I went home with insect bites on my arms, hoping that those will subside in a couple of hours. Seven at that evening, I felt dizzy and I told my mom and she told me the same thing she did a while ago. She saw the bites and she felt the same thing she felt a while ago. That morning of my competition, I can hardly get up but I thought that that was my last year in high school and I did everything to prepare and win. If not win, at least, prove something. I shouldn’t let that pass and leave me regrets later on. My mom said that I shouldn’t go to the competition anymore. I wasn’t feeling and thinking good but I insisted and she knows how important that competition is for me so she agreed, only with the condition that I’ll go home immediately, right after the winners were announced. I went there and my coach saw me. He said that I shouldn’t go there anymore but I know that he was happy that I did. To make the long story short, I still made it and that made the incident more satisfying.

I am full of bites of insects and bites of the past, nostalgia, that is but that doesn’t make me sad. I know that I am just feeling like this because I have nothing to do and whenever I am bored, I feel sad because I remember everything. Nevertheless, I have two days left for my vacation and it’s pretty short for a lazy person like me. I am still attached to my bed and I don’t want to be separated with it. I realized that my vacation is too short for me to ruin everything. I just hope that as I became better, emotionally and eventually getting rid of these bites, the people I bothered will also get better completely because I cannot forgive myself if I am feeling good and others are still stuck with my drama. I feel guilty for that.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Friday, April 10, 2009

Random Melancholic Post

April 10, 2009
Dear Friend,

I realized that maybe, I should be reading books and not be affected too much. Learning is enough but being sad because of that is too much. I think I haven’t overcome “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” thing and it feels like my whole life is revolving around it now. I feel like I am Charlie who is confused with life and sad because he realized that everyone is leaving and sometimes, I feel like I am Mary Elizabeth who talk too much and is too insensitive to sense that not everyone is interested to hear my story or sometimes, I feel like I am not in the story but the people I know are connected with the characters like he is Charlie and the girl he loved is Sam but then I came and I ruined the happy ending and so I am watching them and their show.

Today is Good Friday and television shows are out. I think that this time is perfect for reflection. I tried to turn on the radio and the songs were too good that it made me feel nostalgic once again. These were old songs, the kind which my mom knows line by line and I found those songs true and great. It has soul in it. I tried playing solitaire but it just won’t work. I cannot distract myself but I feel like I need to.

I want to open another book and switch my attention to that new book, indulge myself with words, maybe a romance novel by Nicholas Sparks or something like Gossip Girl or Confessions of a Shopaholic, but I just cannot do it right now. I want to finish the cellular phone holder that I am crocheting for weeks but I am just not on the mood to do that now. I feel like I’ll ruin the thing I’ll do if I pushed myself to do it for the sake of distraction. I realized that as much as I am trying to do things now, I just cannot because my focus is on the drama of life and I should not try to pretend or any of the like. I once read that when I am sad, I am sad and I just have to overcome that emotion. That alone is difficult but there is no easy way out. Maybe I have to stop writing now because I am too sad but this can be very therapeutic and my mom is in the office and my sister is busy with her PSP and the person whom I think first whenever I have something to share is so much bothered because of my fault. I have no one to talk with and have nothing to do. Maybe writing is the best way. Maybe writing is the only way because whenever I write, I feel a little relieved. There were times that my feeling got worse because of writing and I cannot tell the effect until I finish this letter.

Anyway, I started writing this letter at one in the afternoon a while ago and I stopped because I got too much emotions. I fell asleep because of thinking and I am so glad I did because there is no other productive thing to do. I woke up just now, nine in the evening, starving for dinner yet no appetite for anything. I read what I have written and thought that it was too much and so I altered some lines and got a bit guilty because this doesn’t contain my exact emotions. Anyway, this is for the best and maybe when I got the chance to read this in the future, I’ll get that some of the lines were removed and most of the lines were altered. I’ll remember the reason why that happened.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Everything Seems Unusual

April 9, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today is Maundy Thursday and I just thought that this Maundy Thursday is a lot different from the past Maundy Thursdays I experienced. First, there are a lot of television shows today. When I was young, we go to some relative’s house and eat radish and Indian mango. For the whole day, we sat there, feeling the breeze shaking hands with every strand of our hair. There were no television shows back then. Right now, I am thinking that if I already knew what I know now, maybe I was able to read a book or two than just grumble about boredom and stuff.

Second, before I sat here and write how my day was, I was at a friend’s house. It was actually her debut and I felt so happy for her. I was already home at seven, which my mom saw as my greatest improvement. Lately, I’ve been loving my family more than how I did for the past years. I do not what’s new but I think that I need not to know what’s new. I should just be happy with what I am feeling.

Anyway, speaking of my friend’s party, she was a friend from high school and everyone was there again. The truth is that I felt a little uncomfortable about what’s happening. I felt that there is something unusual about me but I cannot point out where. Nevertheless, to distract myself, I looked at the food and got surprised that there is no rice or pasta. The menu was made up of finger foods and liquors with green, pink, yellow and blue as colors. Maybe that was the main reason why I felt uncomfortable. It is just that everyone else is drinking and laughing and smoking and I just can’t. I just won’t. I felt that I was in a wrong place and a wrong party. Of course, I wasn’t expecting clowns and pink balloons but I was still surprised to see those things that I am watching on television.

After reaching the point that I feel like I am throwing up to see the combination of smoke and sky blue drinks, I decided to go home and read some books or write or just do other stuffs. I approached the birthday celebrant and whispered a birthday wish for her. She just smiled and apologized for she felt that I was out of place. She was right. That wasn’t my life but I did not tell her because I don’t want her to feel bad. I don’t want people to feel bad especially on their birthdays. She kissed me on the cheek and told me that she’ll celebrate her birthday again, the one for non-drinkers and non-smokers like me. I felt ashamed somehow. I know that I was the only non-drinker and non-smoker who went there. I thought that it’s better if I just stayed home and did not went to that party at all. Nevertheless, she was appreciative of my presence and with that, I am also grateful. That is something special and shouldn’t be wasted. I went home and thought about him. It’s just that I am really worried because I know that it was entirely my fault. I bothered people. I bothered him and I feel like my fears are bugging me again. I checked my cell phone. No messages. No calls. I checked my wall paper and I can’t remember what I did just to scare the tears away. I hate it when I fear something but I hate it more when I already was over with that fear until such time that it bugged me again.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Random Silly Stuff

April 9, 2009
Dear Friend,

Maybe I still got the “Perks of being a Wallflower” hang-over that’s why I am writing this way. I’ve just finished it this morning and unlike others books which I cried about, it is nice to hear the character narrating what he sees and what he experiences. It is like listening to the secrets of the world while messing with my own life. Anyway, I love the book and I felt that Charlie was actually talking to me. I am older than him and it’s nice to hear stories of people who had not same but similar experiences as yours. Only, they have it a lot worse. I imagined myself back when I was still in high school… and maybe it’s sad that those were all memories. Maybe it is NOT sad at all. Hmmm… I cannot consider myself as a wallflower. Analyzing how my life has been, I always stay on the dance floor and hear people talk about me. Not doing anything, they talk about me. So I might as well give them something to talk about. I am not the kind which sees everything and understands it all and keeps quiet. I see things and cannot understand them at a glance.

Anyway, I think I have to clarify that I am not trying to answer Charlie here. I am not trying to make “The Perks of Being a Wallflower Reply”. I am also not trying to make my own version of the book. It was just too great to be imitated. I just thought that it really feels good to know that someone out there is hearing my stories and judging me according to what they know as right and how I delivered stories in a manner that is very opinionated, and that is already given. This is my blog and this is my story.

Today marks the official start of my five-day vacation. You might say that it is too short but it’s better to have it than have none. It’s amazing that I still see the positive side of things though my life is storming lately, very unstable and very emotional. I don’t know if it’s because of the book but I bet it’s not. It’s personal: myself and I, just as how Fergie sings it. I am also not sure if it’s because of the moon’s luminosity yester night and this night but I think, it has nothing to do with this. I am blaming other things. The truth is that I am just disappointed and you’re right if you are going to tell me that disappointments root from expectations, big expectations, so better to have none at all... but I am a believer, a dreamer and someone who puts highest hopes on something. I cannot change the way I already am.

It is really not the fault of anyone but me so better not worry and that’s the main reason why I decided to hibernate or just keep myself off for the next few days/weeks/months. I am not trying to prove that no man is an island is wrong. I am just trying to protect others from my drama stuff that is why I am temporarily detaching myself from the world. I think once in a while, a person has to do it in order to know his/her self more, to work on his/her maturity and be a better person after all the soul-searching. Nevertheless, I decided to keep in touch with my blog and read some other pocketbooks while I am making my cell phone resting for a while. Maybe after years of abusing it, it is now her turn to rest and find the peace I am looking for myself.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

A Missed Opportunity

This morning, I rode a van to my university. It was twelve noon and the heat of summer sunshine was so intense that you can actually grill ham and cheese just by going out without a cap or an umbrella. The vehicle was public and I felt like a fish enclosed in a can. I felt how sardines are feeling.

The woman beside me has a daughter with her and her daughter was very adorable and little. I think, her age ranges from two to four. She was so white and tidy, the kind of child that you wil love to squeeze. Unfortunately, the daughter was just standing in between her mom’s left leg and my right leg. I felt sorry for her and so I volunteered to hold the child in my lap. Her mother has big bags, convincing me that they are going to a far place and she cannot let her child sit on her lap. After volunteering, the woman was very grateful. I was overwhelmed by her thankfulness because the truth is I don’t feel like I was doing a favor or any of the like. I have no bags and the child is not that heavy for me to sacrifice an hour travel. For me, letting her sit on me is like having a porcelain doll in my lap. There were no harms done. I decided to look at the things outside and think about my exams.

I was surprised when I heard the little voice of the child asking her mom why is she crying. I looked at the rear view mirror and saw that her mom was really in tears. The woman later on answered her child and said, “No baby, I am not crying” and the child stopped and focused her attention to the truck passing beside us… but I did not. Surprisingly, I read her eyes and understood what happened. Maybe I was wrong. I hope so but there was something familiar about her tears. I am sure I’ve seen it before. I am sure that I saw it from my own mom before.

I got emotional at the moment. I do not know why but I wanted to weep with her but silently, exactly what she is trying to do. My emotions almost crashed me as a poor petite surfer weakened by the wave. I felt like I was with my mom at that time and as her child, I need to comfort her and serve as a pillar of her strength. I should not simply sit there and watch her hurting. I should always do something to lessen if not completely remove the hurtful feelings.

It took me some more minutes for me to convince myself that that wasn’t the perfect time to cry and be sad with my own drama story. I have a long day ahead and still got a final exam for me to focus on. I just felt that I need to sympathize with the woman and make her feel that she is not alone and she have to be really strong for her cute little baby. Otherwise, they will be both broken. I know that I was not in any position to speak out. I know that I am not in any position to interfere with her life especially her problems and so I did not.

After getting out of the van and walking my way to the jeepney’s terminal, unsatisfaction ran in my veins. I wasn’t able to make myself proud with what I did. Nevertheless, it was too late. I walked my way and heard the van accelerating. “Missed opportunity,” I said. "Maybe praying for her is the best thing I can do".

Random Soundtracks

My playlist is on a random selection of songs and right now, I am thinking about playing those and writing about the first thing that comes to my mind after hearing the music. After all, these songs have a special reason why they are still on my playlist.

1. More than Words by Westlife. The first thing that came to my mind is the memory of my elementary farewell party. The Central Board of Students decided to organize a simple gathering that will be attended by graduating students and faculty members. It was a day before graduation and the event was just full of heart-warming messages for teachers and students, telling each other the special part they played in their life. It just so happen that the acoustic fever was present at that time and my classmates played this on their guitars while messages are being imparted.

2. Everything You Do by Christian Bautista. This is a song that makes me “Aaaaww” upon hearing. The way it was soulfully sung and the way the lyrics match perfectly on what I feel for DK make this one of my favorite songs. It has a special spot in my heart. It is difficult to tell what I think about first because every loving feeling I experienced with DK seems to bounce back. There was no time that this song was played and I continue what I was doing. I always stop and dream about the extremely happy moments.




3. Hinahanap-hanap Kita by Rivermaya. Okay. This is in Filipino but the thought is that the guy singing is so much addicted with the person he loves that even if they are sharing most of their times with each other’s company, he doesn’t feel tired or any of the like about it. He sings about how he craves for the girl every second of his life and in everything he does. He tells about those sweet little deeds they usually do and for a lovable song like this, I only remember DK and how we spend time with each other. I can say that I can relate to the song. There is always this something uncanny about the way I see him although I already do most of the times. I am always longing for his company and seconds after he heads home, I already miss him. (sigh)




4. Noypi by Bamboo. Noypi is also a Filipino song which is an inverted “Pinoy”, pertaining to Filipino people. What I first thought about after hearing the song is Francis Magalona. He is the most nationalistic Filipino I know in this modern era. It is just really sad that he passed away this early but the same, he is in a better place and was able to make a legacy and made a lot of other Filipinos love their own nation too.




5. Someday by Nina. This song is very nostalgic and very hurtful. This is about a girl who was left by the person she loves. The chorus runs thus: Someday someone’s gonna love me, the way I wanted you to need me. Someday, someone’s gonna take your place. One day, I’ll forget about you. You’ll see, I won’t even miss you… someday”. What I first remember after hearing it? I remember myself singing the song and feeling every line. This is something that will really make you emote on certain things. I was once able to relate on this and up to now, I still find the song great though I believe that I already reach that “someday” I was singing.