Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sorry Cinderella

May 30, 2009 – May 31, 2009

23:15
Forty-five minutes to go before everything turns into pumpkins again. There isn’t much left to do than wait desperately for that time then conclude that it’s gone, that it will never repeat itself. The fantasies are all gone. The assurance is also nowhere now. It’s very sarcastic that I did everything a while ago just to produce a post and now, everything is running smoothly and effortlessly. I’m overwhelmed. I’m drowning. Thoughts and ideas are everywhere. They are everything I see now and they are telling me to write them down before they, too, are gone. Forty-Forty-five minutes is too long for someone who is waiting and is too short for someone who is trying. five minutes is not forever and it’s not convincing me that it’s okay or it will be okay. Tears are the product of my desperation to make this last, to make tomorrow as sweet as yesterday and today, to make tomorrow full of spice… but tears are nothing and they won’t stop time.

23:45
Fifteen minutes. I wanted to not talk to you anymore, later than this time for this day. I wanted to sleep silently or weep silently and be not conscious of the time but I cannot. How can I deny myself with fifteen minutes of communication? How can I deprive myself to it when tomorrow, there will just be fragments? How can I miss such an opportunity? Yes. Yes. I was happy and contented before I turned into Cinderella but now that I know the big difference, I feel sorry for myself because I am scolding her that some good things doesn’t last. Tomorrow is going to be different for me but it will be usual for everyone. They won’t even have a clue that I’ve been to the party, that I met my prince charming there. They won’t know that I was the one who danced with the prince and wore a glass shoe. It’s just I who will know the dissimilarity between my usual life and my princess life. No one will even notice it.

I was half asleep and half awake. I don’t know if that’s really the case but I can see myself standing but I’m lying on my bed so I supposed that it was a dream. I can still hear the radio I left open and can still feel the ocean of sadness slowly dripping on my cheeks so I supposed that it was something real. My phone rang. No. It was just a text and then I turned to my side to read it and there was nothing. I supposed that it was really just a dream that resembles some elements of reality and then I supposed that the past two days was also just a dream that resembles some elements of reality and maybe, I shouldn’t feel bad upon waking up. I accidentally saw the time when I was checking for some message. It was 00:02. Time’s up, dear Cinderella. You’re waiting for nothing.

01:00
All I wanted to do was sleep and return to my dream and I can do it for the rest of my day. I know that when the sun finally shines or the people finally realize that today is the end of May, my realization will be today is the end of my dream and I’ll feel sorry again for Cinderella.

Senseless. Believe Me.

Oops! Don’t say that you have not been warned. Okay? There are other better posts than this. You can shift your attention now to the right side of this page which says INSCRIPTIONS.

It has been two hours since I sat here, waiting for things, for brilliance, for thoughts. You know, just things to write in here. It has also been two hours of struggle to think if ever I’ll write or not. Yeah, to write or not to write, that is the question. For the sake of writing and being committed to my goals, I wanted to make a post. For the sake of obeying my desires to just rest and isolate myself from some pressure or chaos, I wanted to just lie down and wish that he’s fine and happy.

Amazing photographs and soulful music didn’t make it this time. Pretty pictures where I usually get inspiration were not able to mesmerize me. Nothing appeals to my senses. In addition to that, today has a weather I personally like and events are spontaneous and interesting but it just won’t come. It won’t go on smoothly, like when you’re putting some cream to your face and all of a sudden, you feel a pimple or a bump or an open pore. It’s not coming. I have to force it out in order to produce something… at least something for today.

It has been two hours since I’ve been trying to write and nothing is fashioned, honestly. When I have ideas, I write for minutes. The longest will be fifteen minutes but for this day, two hours… then nothing still. I tried. After some pointless paragraphs, I’ll close MS Word without saving what I’ve done. It’s pointless anyway. I don’t find it attractive. I don’t find any sense in it. I think, for two hours, I’ve done it a gazillion times already. There are unspoken words of un-satisfaction that this scribble doesn’t contain what I need it to contain, that this doesn’t speak of what I need the world to hear. For this day, what I was able to produce on paper is not enough. It’s not even half of what I define as enough. After two hours, I am thinking of going back to solving because I did realize that the primary agenda of my trying to write everyday is for improvement and if in some days, I am not open for any expansion, I’ll close the door and try to open it some other day in which I am willing and open-minded. I realized that it isn’t compulsory in any way. I shouldn’t make it necessary.

Now, my ego is telling me that I am such a stubborn baby. She said that I made a goal to write everyday so I shouldn’t be confused with the to-write-or-not-to-write stuff. After all, this senseless thing is posted to the sake of posting. Just that.

Shut up, ego! I did what you want… for the sake of doing.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Morning Sickness

As I make my bed this morning, my eyes still trying to figure out where am I, my calendar told me that it’s May 28, year of the Lord. Everything's normal. As the aroma of coffee penetrates my room and every neuron in my brain, I tied the curtain with a purple ribbon I found on the side. It’s not everyday that I do that. I just felt a little warm so breeze from the trees will be very refreshing. The tied curtain allowed me to see what’s behind the windows. I stared at the house across ours and the street that separates the two. Memories came crashing by and I cannot help but go back to my innocence and think that this is just a dream contained in another dream. You know those sorts of things, right? You were sleeping and in your dream, you were also dreaming about something else. I felt that way a while ago and the struggle to wake up was difficult and drowning.

I stared at the street for a minute or two. There is where I usually played when I was younger. There is where I learned games like hide and seek, tumbang preso and habulan. I know every stone in that street, every bump and every playing card hidden underneath the plants and pots. There is where I got wounded and cried hard and cursed my playmates and promised never to play with them again until tomorrow and I forgot everything that happened.

My eyes switched to the house across ours. It is full of blooming flowers and I can see the rocking chair on the morning sunshine. There is where Mommy Odek usually sits and takes her naps during afternoons. There is where I ate a lot of jackfruit salad cooked by Mommy Odek and vomited everything as soon as I got home. There is where I played with dogs and chewed a lot of gums that made me go to the dentist the next day. There is where I learned how to play jack stone and how I practiced to catch the ball as soon as it bounced from the ground.

Now, my playmates are all gone and who replaced them are matured people whose main focus now is not to win the game but be successful in their own chosen fields. Yesterday, I saw them again and they were all crying for the burial of my Mommy Odek who had treated them as her own sons and daughters, too. These playmates are not crying because they lost in the game but because they lost someone who is very important in their lives, most especially in their childhoods. It’s so different to see them that way but more different to see Mommy Odek on her coffin. I still want her look when she naps on her rocking chair, very peaceful but you know that sooner, she'll wake up.

“Those realizations are already enough,” I said and I closed the windows again and let down the curtains. It’s better to feel warm throughout the day than feel the coldness within because of those realizations. Just like everyone said, someone dies only if she/he is forgotten and in that case, Mommy Odek will forever live. I have immortalized her in this blog and I am sure that other people closed to her will do the same in their own life’s chronicle. I am not the only one who saw that she is such a blessing and I am not the only one who learned a lot from her and is planning to live with the values she taught us.

The windows are now closed and the rain poured.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Post-Summer Evaluation

When summer was just ahead and the sun wasn’t as scorching as it is now, I made a list of things to accomplish for summer 2009. I said that the summer is such an enjoyable season and that I cannot afford to let it pass without enjoying every bit of it lying on my couch. (For review, click on THIS ). Everyday of my summer 2009, I was thinking about these things. Of course, it’s something for us if we set goals and accomplish them. That will make us believe more in ourselves. Now, it’s my time to evaluate myself and see if ever I set goals and committed myself to those or I just set empty words.

First, I said that I’ll finish four books. For this summer, I finished the following: Chicken Soup for the Soul, The Lies my Yaya Did Not Told Me, A Walk to Remember and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I am also currently reading The Time Traveler’s Wife and I am sure to finish it before the start of the first semester. Providing a little review, among the books I’ve read, A Walk to Remember was my favorite. Maybe because I am just too biased because I really look up to Nicholas Sparks and I love his works and his words. He is my favorite writer so far and I am an enthusiast for romance. To be perfectly fair, I love the others books, too and I learned so much on those. They were like tiny grains of virtues on my way and the only reasonable choice is to pick them up and live with them.

Second, I said that I’ll finish my novel. Argh. To be honest, I haven’t. I was writing a novel and spoilers are not allowed here. I promise myself to not let any information or detail out. I’ll just leave you with the truth that I haven’t finish it and the promise that my blog will contain the information about it as soon as it’s done. This is an unsettled business and the due date is forever.

Third, I said, I should get a minimum of six hours of sleep a day… and I made it! Cheers! I sleep for four hours every night and take a two-hour nap every afternoon and during travel so I made it! Though it sounds relaxing, I still feel un-relaxed about it. For me, it’s still not enough. Sleeping during travel gives me the migraine and the need for a brewed coffee. Sleeping during nighttime is still different and is a lot better than those naps.

Fourth, I said that I am going to pass Math and this morning, I saw my grades on my on line account and it was very fulfilling. I passed Math and got a reasonable grade. I don’t have any idea on how my grade will turn out so I was happy to finally see my professor’s idea about me and my performance. Now, I am settled for Math 64 and I finally got my passport to it. The journey for the passport was a rough one but the bottom line that I made it makes me ignore the journey.

Last but certainly not the least, I made a vow to write everyday and the truth is I did but some of my writings are not in this blog anymore. Maybe, the next month’s goal is to write everyday and put this writings not on draft but publish it on line. After all, my writings don’t improve at all if it’s just saved on MS Word in My Documents. I’d rather hear criticisms from people who know and are sharing the same passion with me.

Today's Jist

May 26, 2009
Dear Friend,

Today was argh, exhausting but nevertheless, thoughts of him made me stay on my track. I woke up at eleven and I was determined to finish The Time Traveler’s Wife today. I know that I was just on page 132 a while ago but I really thought I can finish it this whole day if undisturbed. While I was on page 139, my mom told me to go to Quezon City and claim her mobile phone. It’s an hour and a half away from home and I really don’t want to go there now because I have a limited time to rest. My mom’s phone was broken and was sent to Sony Ericson’s shop for repair. I really was not on the mood to go out but my mom was too eager and I can understand her for it has been two month since she last held her cell phone. If I were in her case, I’ll be more than excited.

So I went to Quezon City alone. The travel gave me a very uncomfortable feeling that I wanted to take a bath again or I wanted to swim or I just wanted to lie down and rest. It was boring and quite lonely. Maybe because as I woke up, I prepared myself for reading and resting. I have two hundred and eighteen pages to go (and that is where I use my Math) and that errand was technically out of my schedule. As I entered the store, I got a number and hated the queue of people. The shop was too small and cannot accommodate all of their customers, very suffocating. They should be buying or renting a bigger place. I realized that I really was growing impatient so to save my self and the world from further damage, I left the store and went to Dairy Queen. I ordered Blizzard because I just notice that when I have an ice cream, I always feel happy and light, like I was away from the chaos of the world. If it’s a bad day, the ice cream does the cheering up process. Well, as I was saying, the Blizzard was served upside-down so I did not had it for free. I purchased it and then went back to the queue of people. Somehow, I felt lighter and hungrier. So after claiming the phone, I decided to buy some brownie then pizza then shake then soup then mash potato. In short, I pigged out and that’s a very happy way to cheer up. I also went to the bookstore and bought a planner for my upcoming academic year. Hey, did I already mention that I am excited? Anyway, after realizing that my stomach was oh-so-full and my feet are oh-so-tired, I decided to go home. After all, today is Mommy Odek’s last burial night and I hate to realize that tomorrow, there will be no trace of her but memories residing in our hearts. I know that she’s happy somewhere and her sons are also happy now. I mean, they have accepted what happened whole-heartedly but for me, deep inside, I am wishing for longer times spent with her. I get sad each time I open my closet and see the gowns she sewed for me and how the next gowns I am going to use are not anymore her masterpieces. I get sad each time I realize that she gives me food whenever I don’t like the food cooked by my own mom. I get sad each time I realize that she’s dead, that I can’t do anything about it except buy some Blizzard to make me feel lighter.

Dear friend, tomorrow is her funeral and she’ll be buried six feet underground and that’s final... not to mention that it's very far. I cannot dig her out and talk to her. Dear friend, I am not familiar with this very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to say or do tomorrow. I don’t know how to sleep for this night.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Monday, May 25, 2009

Q&A

Now that I don’t have any sensible topic to write on, I decided to push in some surveys again. It’s better to have some than none, after all, and who knows, you might be interested enough to grab this and answer these questions on your blog. Okay. I talked too much though I am not saying anything (and that doesn’t stop me from mentioning it). Let’s get it on!

What did you do last night?
Walked.

Do you chew on your straws?
Nope. What the hell?

Do you know that words of the song on your Friendster profile?
Yeah. Actually, I put it there because I like the words so much.

Are you stressed?
Nope. I am actually having the greatest and happiest time of my life. Everything is properly placed.

Besides this, what are you doing?
Chatting with CHGA :D

When was the last time something bothered you?
Last night? I think, my blog caught everything that bothered me.

Have you ever fallen asleep on the telephone?
I almost did. His voice was so sweet and very melodic and his words were all coming from his lips, which are lips of an angel, better than the gentlest lullubye. How can I help myself?

When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday. It was because of Mommy Odek’s death.

Have you ever told anyone you were okay when you really weren't?
Yes. I usually do it and few special people know the difference.

What's something you really want right now?
Teleport, time-traveling. Argh. I must have drowned in that book.

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
Go back :D

Do you have any feelings for anyone right now?
Yes!


Are you a jealous person?
Argh. Yes…

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Last Masterpiece

May 24, 2009
Dear friend,

Today is quite depressing and I’ll tell you why as I go on. In our little barangay in Malolos City, almost all people know each other, knows their jobs, their history and a certain view of their attitudes. People in here are so in tack to each other that when you have a certain ailment or you just came from the hospital, they will crowd your room and will make you feel that you’re finally home. When you have a new baby, she will be confused about who her parents are because my neighbors will grab chances to hug your child and make her feel that she is a star of her own.

When I was a child, I remember my neighbors making fun of me and my innocence. They will make me dance and sing in front of many people and I thought that that was good. Among those people, I call my Mommy Odek as my favorite. I really liked her as a child because she makes me dance and sing and gives me a lot of round colorful chewing gums afterwards. I cannot remember much after that but she must be very special because I call her mommy.

As I grew older, Mommy Odek’s husband died and from then on, she just stays inside her house and devoted the rest of her life taking care of her sons who are way older than I am. I was seven at that time and when it’s Christmas or Halloween or my birthday, my Mommy Odek will cook spaghetti and fruit salad and give it to me. She knows exactly my favorite and will compare me to the prettiest actresses on Philippines’ show business. She knows what makes me flattered. As I again grew older, she sews my school uniform and my gowns for parties. These dresses were products of her hard work for she sews everything with her hand and no machine at all. Our relationship emerged from chewing gums to dresses, from my childhood to my puberty.

As I woke up this morning, trying to sleep as long as possible for the Santacruzan this night, I checked my gown. That was the first thing I did because Mommy Odek’s promise was this morning and I have to keep all the thrill of seeing it. It was very pretty and full of accents and I actually felt very excited to wear it. It was long and almost majestic, as perfect as I dreamt it to be. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” my mom interrupted and as I agreed, she said that it was Mommy Odek’s last masterpiece. She died this morning, at six thirty after attending mass. After the shocking news, I remembered everything- how she keeps the dog on the cage when I come to her house to play, how she joined me in various contests I’ve joined, how she treated me as her own daughter. All I can do was stare at the gown she made for me and imagine her putting every single bead in there. All I can do was wish that our time spent together was longer but her life’s goal was already done and her own sons are already stable with their life- have families and children already so more or less, she was contented when she left. I suppose, it wasn’t depressing after all because she was not in pain when she died. Her death was very peaceful and everyone is certain that she is in a better place now and is happy. Maybe, there wasn’t any better ending for her than that and I am happy to see her smiling face… only it was inside a coffin but prayers are effective and after more realizations, I know I’ll accept everything.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Bloggy Thank You

Receiving something for a blog you are really fond of is an own encouragement of its sort. Let me speak formally. In my entire bloggy existence, there were about five awards given to this blog and up to now, I am thanking every blogger who gave me the pride and privilege. It is one of the reasons why this little page in the world wide web is still breathing. Now, another award was given to me by RENA and truly, I am more than grateful. This blog has been very crazy for the past few months. The mood is happy then will be switching to sad then angry. Really, this page, when you will follow and read every single post that I put, you’ll also be insane but still, I thank people like Rena who still appreciates works like mine. Thank you for all the support.

Now, I am passing the joy brought by this award to other bloggers. Drum rolls please. Surely, they won’t receive this award if they are not deserving for it so I carefully chose these people and to know why, why do you give their blogs a visit? I am assuring you that their posts are all worth-reading and very entertaining.

1. LIEZEL at einjheliz.blogspot.com - Liezel is actually an elementary and high school friend. We were schoolmates back then and I must say that she is really a thoughtful girl. I still keep her graduation letter to me when I was in my 6th grade.

2. PENSIVEMIND of hybridofsorts.blogspot.com - This is actually one of the new blogs I recently discovered and the posts here are both funny and well-written. Well, the writer is also a Filipino and knows how to punch lines which will surely bring some meaty laughter.

3. ASH at ash-grapplingwithlife.blogspot.com - If you would like to realize something about life, this blog is the place to go. This blog is very lovely physically and posts there are full of realizations that will enable readers to digest fully certain circumstances in their life.

4. BATANGNARS at pintangakingpuso.blogspot.com - This also one of the new blogs I am getting fond of. It's very entertaining and includes some random posts which can relieve stress of a reader. This blog is physically attractive and posts are really worth the read.

5. REXTER of keyofdest1ny.blogspot.com - Rex is actually a friend but don't get me wrong. He is in my list because he deserves to be and not just because he is a friend. His blog is actually about his deepest frustrations and wishes, his inner thoughts and mature realizations. I love to visit his page because at some point, I am envisioning myself in his shoes.

6. THE RAMBLER at noheasmith.blogspot.com - The Rambler's blog is full of (guess what) ramblings. Posts in here are surely well-written and she can amazingly put into words certain feelings and realizations. It is also very entertaining most especially when it includes responses from readers. It's very interactive and I love Think About It Thursdays! :D

7. D-ANJHEL at dharkanjhel.com - Actually, I just hopped into this blog a while ago and I really find those blogs which are informative and yet enjoying and not boring very amazing. This blog is one of those and I think, I'll be visiting it more often now.

8. FLOR at bestpinayblogever.blogspot.com - I am not yet graduate from college and these kind of blogs give me the idea of what's waiting for me after I leave the portals of my university. Flor's blog is full of chronicle of her life and surely entertaining. It is the kind of blog that can make you say, "Ah! Right!"

9. YEN at janyen.blogspot.com - Yen's blog is all about her life and it is really nice to hear how she tells stories of what's up and what's down. This person is older than me and whenever my immaturity is swallowing me, I just read her stories and somehow, I feel lighter.

10. SASHA at the-sweet-bonjour.blogspot.com - This blog is physically cute and I really envy her layout. It is very lovely, as lovely as her posts and it is good to know tha girls like her is blogging about everything. Her blog is surely worth the visit.

These are the bloggers I am giving the award to. I hope that you pay them some visit and eventually see the beauty that I am seeing in those pages.

Done It!

Today marks the start of my official vacation. The exams were over and the only thrill left is waiting for our final grade, the fruit of our two-month labor. I have roughly two weeks to be idle, to just slack around and annoy my little sister and wake up late, pressure-less. I am also seeing this time to finish reading a novel or two and to prepare myself for the upcoming first semester. I have been wishing dearly for this day for almost a month and I am glad that though it took me so long to finally achieve a state of relaxation, it was worth all the wait and sacrifices. I was not the same person I am two months ago and I am glad that I was re-directed.

Perhaps you can consider this post as the body of my brief chronicle of how my summer 2009 was spent and perhaps, the conclusion is already implied. The best part of it was actually the idea that it gave me a concrete destination, something I am dying to achieve and reach. Whenever I am growing tired of all these studying stuff, my professor would usually say, “Hey. You have to move faster. The bank where you are going to work is already waiting for you,” and everything will be in flame and the next thing I knew, damn, I was working harder than ever. It seems that it was the best encouragement to attain perfect perseverance and patience towards things, most especially on sordid numbers. I have a dream even before I enter college and now, I realize that I am not that committed to it, that I am really easily distracted. Thanks to summer classes! It reminded me of those plans I have for myself and for the people whom I am closed with. Now, I am back to my track again, more directed and with higher dreams.

My summer wasn’t perfect, just like you and me and how everything seems to be. There were moments when I am PMS-ing and everything simply appeals to me as irritating. There were times when I don’t even appreciate that I am learning and what I really wanted was a vacation, nothing less. There were also days when my professor does her all in order to make us appreciate what’s on the board and instead of acknowledging her efforts, I will just doodle on my paper, thinking about what’s missing rather than what’s there. There were times when I hate everyone and I am blaming destiny for my summer spent in school but it was natural like when you heat water and leave it there, it will soon boil so you have to keep the temperature lower so that you won’t evaporate everything. There were starts when I hate mornings for it signals another tiring day away from my comfy bed and whenever that mood strikes, I’ll say, “the rude sun refused to give it a miss and so it’s morning again”. It surely wasn’t as easy as I make it sound at times. If not because of a constant inspiration, I will surely have many absences.

Now, it’s done and I really enjoyed how things turned out. It’s like watching colliding stars from afar and realizing that it’s now my turn to collide my own star with the moon and with all the celestial bodies waiting to be disturbed. I am looking forward to another expedition, preferably farther and with more jeopardy because I am certain that in that way, I’ll learn more and there will always be fragments of virtues and values along the way which are free to pick. Nothing beats learning from various experiences. I think, my summer was a tangible example.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You Must Be Really Special

The struggle was nothing but hard yet all the same. I walk everyday and paint pictures of people in my mind, giving them natural hues and glowing rainbows. Revolving questions left unanswered and I found myself wasting time on primal existence and thinking about the horizon which appears to be a pancake to me, just to be distracted from what I am longing and looking for. I feel so thwarted for all these unspoken words still rattling my skull, no one to talk to, no one to give me the answers and no one to at least, listen. If you were just here… it'll be different... it'll be a lot... oh... but sigh, you’re not.

I cry when I remember the comfort I do have when I share a piece of me with you, may it be a story or a joke or truths of my life- my petty secrets or a part of my past, my realizations and my heartaches, and I laugh at the same time, remembering the punch line in the end of each of those moments. After that, my laughter will fade and it’ll be replaced by a smile because of the warmth of your hand that I constantly feel holding mine. Whenever I share with you, I don’t really feel that there is something subtracted from me. It was like I am gaining while I am sharing and that paradox gives me the tears of joy now and repeating questions, why oh why, is love intensified upon absence?

I look for you in every people in every place and still get unsatisfied. Your face I see on starry night, in the midst of happy circles, in my silent cries on my pillow and in an empty chair, I see you bright. I see you walking behind me and I’ll look, try to call you but in a blink, those images were all gone. I see you at fast passing vehicles and I wish dearly for the traffic but the travel was too smooth and thus traffic is impossible. I am begging the answer for all these sweet imaginations that an overdose of day-dreaming puts me in solitude of despair and longing and wishing time to just flutter by, that tomorrow may soon be over and then I’ll choke, realizing that tomorrow is still uncertain, you taught me that.

How do you keep me thinking about your face smiling each time I wake up and how do you make me hoping during my distress even without doing anything? How do I hear your gentle and joyous voice pop in my each and every nap? How do thoughts of you keep me working on a sleepy one o’ clock midnight when hopelessness keeps on oozing my body? How does your name resound in my ear whenever I am grasping for the right words to say and to write? Most especially, how does not hearing anything from you allow me to love you even more than how I am already doing?

Damn, you must be really handsome for never ever leaving my mind even for a second and I wasted some hours of my life again thinking about how effortlessly you can do all these. I know the answers and you know that, too. My struggle was non-sense and nothing gets better as each day goes by. You must be really dear to my heart for me getting quite sad because of missing you and wanting to do everything just to be that cheerful person whenever you’re around. Damn, I must have fallen with you that deep… even deeper than I could ever explain.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cheers!

Cheers! Summer spent is school is almost over. I have two days to review my notes and Friday will be the finals. It’s like I am on the part when the mother will have to make one hard push in order to deliver the baby out of her womb and give life to another miracle. I am almost there and I can see it coming yet I am also aware that I still have to make one big push. Well, I can get through. After all, I got my enthusiasm back.

I really cannot wait to make a brief account of my summer 2009. It’s not yet over but I am making the introduction now. It was very atypical, not spent in a vacation out-of-town, not tanned by the beach scorching sun and not slacking everyday. It was spent in between yawning gaps and Calculus textbooks. It was the kind of summer everyone will hate and get rid off… except for maybe, me. If ever I have to choose the meatiest semester of my so far, college life, it will be the summer semester. Very fast paced, very tiring yet very informative. It actually made me trust myself again and learn to fight verbal problems and be not intimidated easily. For me, it was something very important because when you don’t trust yourself, who else would? Now, when someone asks me to answer a particular question, I’ll love to try and not like before when I'll do everything to avoid it. Due to self-esteem, I’ll get an answer, maybe not always right but at least almost there. In between those grumbles that I hate numbers lies an image on what I really want to be three years from now. If not for this dream and if not for the people who serve as my inspiration, I’ll just sleep and sing Que Sera Sera or Come What May. It’s true that trigonometric functions are not very applicable in everyday life. They are very impractical to use and very unhealthy to think about but for the hardest way, it taught me to be really patient. It taught me that there is no easy way out of those angles, that the best way is to understand the concept and love what you are doing... When you love what you're doing, you'll never grow tired. Being bitter about those will reflect on the scores of my exams. Now, trigonometric functions and their inverses are my favorite topic. I spent couple of days answering exercises only about that and I get sad each time I get the wrong answer but stopping won’t put me somewhere else. It is right that the water dissolved the stone not by big waves crashing but by continuous dripping. After each and every mistake, I learn and eventually become wiser enough to say, “I’ve encounter this before and now, I finally know what to do!” Experience is the best teacher, a healthy reminder.

This isn’t about Math. This is also isn’t about summer. This is about how the subject gave me fresh outlook on things (and not to mention, how it able me to use a lot of metaphors). This isn’t about numbers, not also about variables and constants. This is about sacrifices and how in the end, they usually bloom into something so far from what you expected. This is how perseverance springs into satisfaction and how this satisfaction allows a person to crave for further enhancement. This is actually about life.

For the almost-done-summer-spent-in-school… for the love of Math and life… for the success of another learning process… for realizing my goals again and trying my best to be really committed to those… for the person whom I am doing this for… for my self-esteem… for my proud momma… for the three manila paper I used as scratch paper…for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a professor like Ma’am Ocampo and for every blessing that came in my life… cheers!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Presure-less Sunday

Tomorrow will be a different day, I know. It is not the usual Monday when I wake up early to avoid the rush hour and everyone also does because we have an exam in this time of the week. At first, Monday exams were the worst part of being a student because it ruins our weekends. It makes us avoid staying up late at Sunday night and watching unlimited DVDs. After several weeks of getting used to it, Sunday has always been reserved for the preparation for the next day and we realized, little by little, that Monday is really the best part of the week where we can schedule the exam. At seven in the evening, we’ll all feel the pressure of cramming and the blame that we should have started reviewing earlier, but it was too late and what’s left to do is ask other classmates for the unsolved problems. It was always like that and Sunday is incomplete without all those pressure. Every week, though we know what’s going to happen, we don’t change those things, still giving in to the destiny we laid for ourselves.

Now, I am done to my last week of school and I am really happy. I am happy because finally, I can sleep at twelve and wake up at one or better, never wake up at all. I am happy because I can now read books which I took for granted because of natural logarithmic. I am happy, most especially, because I’ve accomplished something which I am totally proud of and that I never imagined myself being in love with Math and seeing its perks on my life.

Because this upcoming week will be our last, our professor put off our fifth long exam to Tuesday instead of Monday and I saw this as a prolonged time to review and answer exercises. My professor said, “I know that this lesson is difficult for you. It is difficult for the teacher too and there is no easy way out. What you are supposed to do is gain experience about this thing and progressively, you’ll find it easier.” I interpreted it as answering exercises. When you encounter the problem, it will really be difficult but with a second look, you’ll have an idea, more or less, on what to do. So I started preparing last Friday. At least, when I fail, I’ll say that I did everything and I doubled the effort. I remember CHGA saying, “…just like when you want to go to the center of the earth and you are on the last layer, thinking that soon, all of these will be over but you are also aware that the last layer is the thickest and hottest of all and it will be the biggest challenge of your journey to the center of the earth”. Now, I am seeing this week as the toughest. Long exam at Tuesday and finals at Friday. There isn’t much time to be idle since this is the last. Why not give everything? I mean, EVERYTHING.

When it was seven in the evening, a while ago, there were no messages which ask me about the answer or about my solutions. It felt unusual and the atypical thing tripled when I really had a hard time in answering the questions. I texted all of them, asking if they are already done with the said assignment and they all said, “No. I haven’t started it. The exam is still on Tuesday” and for me, it was clearly implied that they will start cramming tomorrow. Okay, hands-off to their decisions. Some people really work better under pressure and maybe, I am not one of those. I just thought that tomorrow will be a different Monday. There will be no celebrating classmates on arcades and restaurants because the exam is not yet over and as it was implied, they will start cramming tomorrow. I also thought that today is also a different Sunday, pressure-less and very idle.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Student Still

One of the reasons why I tried to log in the internet everyday is that someone asked for my help. It wasn’t a big thing for me. He was like an apprentice, doing things which I did while in high school and so my advices are somehow important. He was a freshman when I was a senior and now that I am incoming second year college, he is an incoming junior student and has matured a lot ever since. He is an undeniably great writer, someone whose words are full of points and sense and someone whose works will make you think about your own work and realize that you were still shallow at that age, still unable to produce what he can. His expertise is on individualism, politics and criticisms, someone who can write an editorial or news on a paper.

He asked me to be his teacher, to give him topics to write everyday and then check his work, give constructive criticisms and advices in order for him to be better. I knew his plans and when I was a junior high school, I also wanted to improve on the passion I chose. Writing, that is. I felt the privilege of being his teacher because it means that he is looking up to me and I thought that he is now willing to change some of his not-that-good-attitude (well, when I was the chief editor and he is a staff writer, it gives me the challenge to make him write because he doesn’t want to).

While thinking about the topics I can give him, I realized that he is already good with the serious stuff so I want him to have a taste of things like poetry, essays which purpose is to entertain and other topics which has a very light mood. I believe that to be an effective writer, one should really be versatile. Not because Nicholas Spark’s expertise is on romance doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know how to make people laugh or cry. Of course he does. That is the reason why his works are very effective, because there is drama, comedy and realizations there. My apprentice and I decided to have an appointment every two in the afternoon and mind you, it really is a challenge for me since I usually come home at 1:30 and I still have to eat lunch and sleep for my poor body. Sacrifices are important and I just thought that I’ll be very satisfied to read some of his works which are not that serious and will make me laugh. Those things will pay my sacrifice of delaying my sleep and lunch. Our first topic was about music. He plays the piano so well and loves the music so much but not how I do with CHGA. I thought that he can use that skill in order to express his inner self. I said, “Make a poetic essay that will describe music”. I was expecting something like “with every gentle finger kissing the keyboard” or something like, “It was melodic like little raindrops on the rooftop” but he was able to push in politics, individualism, society and other serious stuff to his essay. Argh! I thought that I should push him more but little by little. For our second topic, I said, “Make an essay which purpose is to entertain. It should be away from the serious stuff and will answer the question, if you will have a jeepney, what will you put to its headboard?” Then that was the end of it. I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday and from how I am seeing it, it means that he wants no appointment with me anymore. I think I pushed him in a snap. Maybe I was too harsh to pull him from his comfort zone. Maybe he wasn't ready.

Now, I am focusing on being both a teacher and a student for myself. Maybe, I don’t know yet how to teach someone and not yet on the place to be a teacher who can inspire others. I am not yet satisfied with my works and so to improve my works should be my present focus.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Coffee Vs. Traveling

A rattled skull and a confused soul are the things which are usually left with me when I wonder about something, may it be something worth thinking as politics or as senseless as what chocolate am I going to eat for the day? Well, last night, I got so intrigued to know which of which is stronger, drowsiness due to a long travel and party last night or a powerful caffeine from coffee, creamer-free.

Coffee has never ever failed me. In fact, it was my savior from the shame of falling asleep while in the middle of my professor’s meaty discussion. A cup of it always makes me pushing, enthusiastic about the lessons and more enthusiastic for problems. I even thought about coffee as something stronger than energy drinks or sports drinks, only it doesn’t replenish the water in my body, doesn’t have electrolytes and most of all, doesn’t have any other color except all shades of brown and black. Anyway, about the electrolytes, I don’t lose any in just sitting there and absorbing everything my professor has to say. So nevertheless, coffee is still best for my summer spent in school.

As much as the coffee keeps me awake, a long travel keeps me asleep. Everyday, as soon as I enter the bus or any public transport vehicle, I always say that I am not going to sleep, that I am going to enjoy the travel and every little thing that I can see from the window. Later on, but not too late, I’ll feel my head increasing in weight that I cannot help but give in to the scream of my body to sleep and regenerate. Sounds okay but the problem is that even though I know that I am almost there (in the terminal where I am supposed to head off), I still see myself fighting over closing my eyes again and extending my sleep for another hour when the terminal is just a minute away. The problem with me is that when I am beginning to like something, I instantly want to indulge myself and never care about what’s up and the consequences eventually. Like in sleeping, just because I am starting to feel comfortable about it, I can hardly remind myself that there are certain limits in sleeping, especially when I do it on a bus.

This morning, I wanted to spend my traveling time memorizing some formulas for my Math class. I just thought that I need to do it soon, as soon as now or maybe later. I took a cup of coffee instead of milk this morning and it was effective when I was just on the way to the bust station. When I was finally on my way to my university, which is one hour away from home, I opened my notebook and started saying one over one plus x squared is tangent… no… sin… hyperbolic cosine…no! I closed my eyes and said that I’ll clear my mind first and return back to memorizing when I am not anymore confused. Besides, pushing myself to memorize something I really don’t feel will make me forget that thing after a minute or two. I need it to be natural and coming from the heart so that I won’t forget and if ever I do, I can always try to remember. If there’s one thing I learned from my good friends, it is to practice the pause whenever you feel like you don’t know where you’re heading anymore or you don’t know what to do. It is always effective, always gives a person a fresh view of the problem he/she has to solve. I felt somehow relieved and actually felt the pressure in my head, burden in my shoulder and pain in my back. I felt the exhaustion I had yester night and the future exhaustion that I’ll have after this day is all over.

Beep! Beep! Thank you to the reckless driver. If not because of his sudden turn right, the bus I am in won’t blow his horns and I must still be in my wildest dreams, undisturbed. The coffee was knocked out.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Fifteen Significant People ( 11 - 15 )

I’m down to the last five significant people. Honestly, if I am to write all of the people who are significant for me and those people who made a difference in my life, this blog will never be an enough space. I chose these fifteen people because they are the first people I though of and the game was very limited. To repeat the rules, you have to write about fifteen anonymous people and from the definition of anonymous, these people should remain as a mystery to your readers. When someone asks you about the identity of those who are written, you are not allowed to reveal them.

11. To you who treats me as your teacher even though I honestly believe that sometimes, what you write about are far more better than what I produce on paper. You really have a sense, not like me who, most of the times, is very shallow. Having someone who respects my seniority and my achievement in the field is something that inspires me to continue writing and get better eventually so that I won’t be left by your abilities.

12. To you who also listens to me whenever I need a friend and though there really are a lot of differences in our priorities, most especially in our opinions, there still lingers the respect that we reserve for each other. Thank you for joining me in my bad hair days and extremely low-IQ days when we hate the professors, the subjects and the world. Thank you for all the sumptuous conversations that really help me a lot.

13. To the most inscrutable person I know, may you find the person who will completely understand you, your opinions and flaws and everything that you want to happen to the world. May you be successful in the near future so that you’ll have the enough courage to tell me that I was wrong in not loving you back. May destiny bring us back again someday and eventually laugh on our silly fights and the senseless things we are arguing now. I am sorry for everything.

14. To you have remained strong through the years by accepting all the emotional and physical challenges that came in your way. I know that you don’t understand me now and I don’t understand you either but someday, I know that I’ll be seeing your point. I just hope and pray that you focus on the positive side of things and see also the people who MADE you happy and not just those who are MAKING you one.

15. Last but not the least, I want to repeat person number 1. I know that you might say that I am breaking the rules, that I just wrote fourteen people because 1 and 15 are the same but hey, this is my blog and this is my life and I am the rules. To you, who have been my first… and will be my last, I love you more that words could ever say.

Now, I am passing the tag to the following: Lucas, Supergulaman, Flor, Rena, Ash, The Rambler, Rexter, Kalei, Brent, Von Hanyu, B Luis Grey, Abe Mulong Caracas, Kosa, Carms and Lingz. Have fun everyone! Keep the ball rolling.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Fifteen Significant People ( 6 - 10 )

The continuation. Well, if you haven’t jumped in yet to what I am actually talking about, it’s about
THIS , wherein I have to write fifteen anonymous people and give a brief description about them or make a justification why they deserve a place in this list. Last time, I wrote the first five people. Now, I am writing the next five:

6. To you whom I really care for before and taught me so much about life, love and bitterness. I think, whatever happened in the past, it is a special way of being who I am today. Indeed, without those, I must be a whole lot different person, someone who gives up easily and someone who is too weak and feeble for challenges. Thank you, friend!

7. To you who had treated me as your own daughter, telling me my weak and strong points in order to be the best person that I can be. I think, the self-esteem and self-image I have now is largely because of you... because you believed in me and in my abilities more than anyone can do and with that, I am so grateful.

8. To you who made me realize that not all things are worth fighting for. I mean, there are things which are better left off that way and let destiny manipulate and play with it. Before you became my friend, I always lived by the saying, “What Rhaingel wants, Rhaingel gets” but you instilled on me that it’s not always the best thing to do. Sometimes, you just have to let things be and accept whatever it is that is written in scripted destiny.

9. To you who cried when I said, “Thank you for sharing your umbrella with me that morning when the sun was really rude”. I admit, I was also in the verge of tears when I was thanking you because I know that it was more than that. I know that what we had can be compared to what I have with my parents and as a child back then, you made me believe that I can be whatever I want to be and you also believed in me. Right now, whenever I feel like I am so far to my goals, I think about the day that you winked and told me that Math is just an easy subject and after that, I realized that it was. It is just a matter of how you want to look at things.

10. To you who made me realize that sometimes, efforts are still not enough, that though I do everything to achieve something, some things are not for me and so I have to watch all of my efforts going into nowhere. Hurtful, that is but still true. So, thank you for opening my eyes to the realities of life.

I am done to the first ten. Hmm... I will be posting the last five tomorrow and the people whom I am happy to pass on the tag. The exam a while ago was really draining. Not to exaggerate but it really was the longest and most difficult exam I ever took in my life (well except for life’s challenges). I don’t want to know the results tomorrow. It might ruin my week but looking positively at things, hey, I answered most of the problems! No. Nah! Some of those answers are invented. My head is battling with my ego. Thanks for bearing with me.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Fifteen Significant People (1-5)

It’s been quite a while since I was last tagged by co-bloggers here. Now, I am playing some sort of nameless game but I found it really interesting. The rules are here: first, you have to write about fifteen people but don’t include their names. Just describe them. If it so happen that someone is curious and felt fishy about those anonymous people, leave them with that mystery. Next, you have to tag fifteen more people but don’t include the one who tagged you.

Let’s get the ball rolling!

1. To you whose soul is so inspiring, who have put so many smiles into my days and was able to turn my fears into a refuge. This first place is for you because you are the only one who occupies my mind and heart and it will always be you no matter what. You are really the first person I think about whenever they say the words: love, happy, and everything related to the blissful things. You are my yesterday, my today and will be my tomorrow. With that, I am more than certain. I love you so much!

2. To you whom I owe my life. You are not just the reason why I am here. You are the reason why I was able to do all the things that I did in order to make you proud and contented for having me. I cannot imagine my life without you and I am not sure how to do because for my life’s long run, you were always there, maybe not always at my side but always with me, pushing me to the top.

3. To you who doesn’t tell me that you love me but expresses it by teasing me or hiding my cell phone when I especialy need it or buying me sandwiches and junk foods. I am so happy to have you in my life and after I reach my success, I will make sure that life will treat you at its best. After achieving my dreams, I will make sure that your dreams will come true too.

4. To you whom I also owe my lie to. To you who is away by heart and by distance and this place belongs to you because even though I am mad and even though I can’t care more, I must admit that you are still part of the first few people I think about whenever I am asked and I am not sure why I do. Anyway, I hope that things and situations will get better for both of us. After all, I also won’t be here without you. I am admitting that.

5. To you who had given me so much more than what I asked and prayed for. To you who was never tired of listening over the past few years and remains the same though chances separated our ways. Thanks for never changing and for never getting tired to be more than just “being there”. I appreciate all the efforts.

This is my initial list of the fifteen people who made a difference in my life. The order is about the people I thought first. I’ll be back for the next ten. I just don’t want to try my best to limit the descriptions in order to have a shorter post. I also don’t want to make super long post. So the best way I saw in order to satisfy the conditions of this post, this game and the rules in my own blog, I decided to split the list of fifteen significant people. (after all, splitting is also what I usually do with integrals).

Postless Days

Busy like hell for the past few days. Math sucking all of my time and energy. Got no time for a book or a post. In my little numbered world, man, I was lost. Too occupied to answer messages. Too tired, exhausted and restless. Sleep all night. Sleep all day. Sing cute little rain, rain, go away. Rain showering while summer. Everyone confused about the weather. Slippery roads and slippery mind, grasping for thoughts then they were all of a sudden, out of sight. Faster blinks, people stinks, hey, not everyone thinks.

Confused, frustrated and tired. Happy, enthusiastic and excited. The soul of a flower, never surrender, we are destined to be happy together forever. Monster kill, full of thrill, argh, this game gives me the chill. Nothing to do. Today is Saturday, a chunk of time to relax and play.

Too many questions clouding my mind, blotting like ink, not that kind. Shifting my attention to other things, trying so hard to create distraction. Hell, in this kind of activity, there is really no satisfaction. More than sleeping, eating and drinking. Less than caring, loving and hurting. More than life and life itself. More than help and help instead. Everything is in flood and flood is in everything and that seemed enough, more than enough, but uh… probably not. Hero’s welcome and hero’s fall. More than a love story and a pretty gown ball. Nothing to do and nothing to think about. No topic to discuss and no problems to solve yet to many integrals to set-up. Argh. Time is running, memories fading and disappointments growing. Questions again, still no answers, mischievous imagination works. Why is the question, because is the answer, leaving people unconvinced. Sorry is the line, soothe by it’s okay, then repeating mistakes all over again. Tiring experiences, don’t want to talk, don’t want to move, don’t want to hear explanations. Tiring experiences, don’t want to think, don’t want to see, don’t want to melt my heart again.

Dimming lights, fading eyesight, increasing questions. Senseless post, leaving people clueless, leaving the writer more perplexed. That’s more like it. Just writing, still thinking, still bugged. There is nothing to do but everything requires doing. Postless days, busy schedule, no connection at all. Pointless dramas, senseless excuses and broken vices. Failed wishes, impaired plans and foolish chance. Destiny speaks but death peeks and vengeance now seeks. Fallen angel, lots of gummy bear. End of the paragraph, end of the post, end of the brainfart.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Out of Place

May 3, 2009
Dear Friend,

There were times when I am certain that there’s something wrong with me.

Today, every Filipino is in triumph because of Manny Pacquiao’s victory against Ricky Hatton. It was a good fight, something that really lifted Manny up. I won’t be dealing much about that because you can youtube it and judge it according to your own points of view and besides, I am trying to be not biased since I am also a Filipino. Well, as I was saying, while everyone is in triumph, I found myself alone. Not literally, but emotionally and being alone literally is a lot better than feeling thus figuratively.

As much as I am glad about the triumph, I am also proud so my feeling of being alone is not because I don’t care about Manny whose fight is a phenomenon in the Philippines. I got sad because while we were having our dinner a while ago, I felt out of place and awww… I felt out of place in my own family. That’s one thing. They were entertaining my stories but I felt that they were listening because I’ll get sad if they didn’t but if they have a choice, they won’t. I felt sad because I realized that they were listening because it was like an obligation for them. All of us have that kind of sensitivity that we’ll sense whenever people are uninterested on our stories and a while ago, my sensitivity reacted. I did not want to believe my instincts right away so I talked again, giving them more interesting stories then my sensitivity reacted again. I was sure.

I realized that maybe, I shouldn’t talk that much. Maybe it’s best to just write everything because people will always have a choice to read or not to and in that way, I won’t feel out of place. I know that it’s wrong to feel this way especially in my own family and I would like to think that there is just something wrong with me, that I am just upset about my exams tomorrow and bothered about unsolved problems. Maybe, I am feeling this way because I am now too much attached to Math and stuff and so I feel that people, especially my family, do not anymore understand my opinions and views on things.

Tomorrow is Monday and expectedly, I am going to see my classmates and friends. Maybe they’ll be interested about how my long weekend went and if they showed enthusiasm, I’ll share stories and be glad that there are still people who are excited to hear about me but if they don’t, maybe I’ll keep all these inside me, where it is safe and nurtured and show people that what I’m after are related rates and answers on optimization problems.

We are approaching lessons on integrals and I am preparing myself for draining days. I mean, more draining days.

Love always,
Rhaingel

Friday, May 01, 2009

First of March


If someone says we need to talk, what runs through your mind?
Honestly, whenever this happens, I think about the wrong things I did. This sounds something serious, doesn’t it? So I get guilty and nervous.

Are you in a good mood now?
Yes. I spent the whole day doing chores for my mom like cooking for my younger sister, cleaning the house and watering the plants. After I finished the chores and rested for a while, I started reviewing for my exams on Monday and I realized that my weekend was elongated. Today is just Friday but because today is Labor Day and is a holiday, classes were suspended. That put me on the mood.

What made you sad today?
Nothing. I did not get sad.

Are you okay with making a fool of yourself?
Sometimes, it’s okay, especially when I am with my family or my real friends. They know me so well and whenever I make fool of myself, they laugh and I see them so happy and then, I get the satisfaction. Fun times are surely worth all the fooling-around-stuff.

5. Can you say that things are running smoothly for you?
No. There are times when I feel that today is the worst day of my life and tomorrow will be a lot worse. There were really sad times so I cannot say that things are really smooth for me but as I am watching my life from afar, I am so much happy with how it’s running.

6. Do you currently miss someone?
Yes, I do. I really do but this longing is very unlike that bittersweet I’ve experienced before. I am now realizing that I don’t actually care about the distance. All I care about is him and his condition. As for now, I am at ease with the thought that he is having enough rest and is fine. I just hope that he really is.

7. Are you better in Math or English?
LOL. I don’t know. LOL again… but I am liking Math better than how I like English. Now, I see Math as a very challenging subject but is connected with life so it matters. Aside from that, it improves the ability of a person to think rationally and creatively. (Since you cannot answer word problems if you don’t think creativity). English, on the other hand, is an expression of the soul. I write in that language. I admit, I am not that comfortable in it and there are still things which I cannot explain and express but I see English as something really interesting.

8. Who do you really want to see right now?
My dearest CHGA. If teleport is just possible…

9. In the past week, have you felt stupid?
Honestly, yes, but it was not something negative. There was just a word problem in Math which seemed very simple but I wasn’t able to answer correctly.

10. What did you do last night?
Answered e-mails, tried to write, played games, read books, searched for more books, slept, ate, dreamt.