Friday, July 31, 2009

A Student Life

Yes, I am guilty of taking this blog for granted and choosing Physics over this blog. Sorry. Now that it’s just two hours and a half from the first of August, I feel sort of unsatisfied for coming up with just seven posts. (Oh man! That’s not even half of my target posts for this month, which happens to be twenty.) So I decided that maybe, I should just update people about what has been and why I was not around lately. I know that I am not making twenty posts but I am intending that the post I make now will contain what I was busy at for the past few weeks.

Calculus is tough as it has always been for me. These days, it has tortured me the way that encourages me to just stop trying to analyze things. It has discouraged me to love numbers and Math and realize that it’s worth all the sacrifices. Physics has discouraged me more. It has given me an atmosphere of idleness and senselessness, the kind of feeling that says nothing is going right. Both the subjects seemed to sucked up all of the energy and inspiration I used to contain in me at the start of the day. Both leave me tired and withered and sleepy, never allowing me to have ample energy to write and talk and babble around or not giving me any happy thing to write about. Calculus, Physics and my fear of failing are the culprit of my un-blogging. Blame them.

Despite of my hate on the subjects I mentioned, I think, I should make it clear that I don’t hate my professors or I don’t like what I’m doing. Somehow, these things seem to be the real norm since these happen everyday. It has been usual that I’ll go to school and fight all the temptations of daydreaming while absorbing everything that comes out of my professor’s intelligent mouth. I have no choice and I don’t want to fail again. I know that at my young age, paying for a mortgaged house or whacking my boss are not yet included among the list of my things to do. I’m not yet there and it’s not yet me. God said that there is a perfect time for everything. I should wait patiently and do what I am ought to do. In that case, I should just study and it’s not clear why I am finding that so difficult though it seems very simple. I must admit that sometimes, fulfillment comes when I reap fruits of labors – labors which are challenging enough to give me doubts about what I can and what I cannot do.

Now, my clock ticked, telling me that it’s time to get some sleep and be ready for tomorrow. This weekend isn’t that equipped and ‘fat’. Maybe I have some time to relax and unwind a little, just to give me a fresh start of the week and the month. I am almost halfway my 1st semester and am glad that I can still go to school smiling and I can still leave the university with hopes while crossing-fingers. It never crossed my mind to just stay at home and think nothing about academics. Good thing that Math and Physics still left me with a bit of hope and a large inspiration. I am not quitting, not in any way I know and not in any way I intent. I also have time to update my accounts online, including this supposed-to-be-daily-chronicle which was abandoned, in some ways so I am making up to it (in some ways, too). I am also doing the things which I don’t usually do during schooldays – namely, badminton and gluing myself with photographs.

Have a great and productive weekend blog-o-sphere!

When I Think About Him

When I think about the one I love
My dearest friend, my angel from up above
How he holds me and never lets me go
How he embraces me like there’s no tomorrow
How he says he loves me and looks at my eyes
How he exposes me to everything that’s nice

When I think about the one I love
How he saved me from the brink of despair
How he made me happy like no one ever dare
How he’d given me everything: trust, love and care
How he says that all his love belongs to me
And that no harm can be done by any party

When I think about the one I love
How he seems like an eagle but also like a dove
How he makes me happy to the uttermost
How this seems to be deeper than any coast
How he pulled me away from the agony
And later on called me as his own honey

Every little thing that I think about him
Makes me want to cry and scream
“I love you and I will always do;
You will be my only and very last boo
From this day on, now and forever
In everything, we shall be together.

When I think about the one I love
I stop and stare and surrender myself
I’ve fallen too much and I can’t help
But love even more than anyone has ever did
And fight for him and give the highest bid
The one I love is indeed everything I need.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inexplicable

Shaking my head, shaking the after-math
Heading that direction, heading that path
Towards that paradise nobody knows
Towards the place where flower grows

Run to the meadow of the orchard-white
Feeling infinite and glad, feeling so light
Run to the breeze of the garden blooming
Stretching my wings, I’m finally soaring

Flying to the place where time isn’t an issue
Flying and tumbling to the same sky-blue
As the wind carries my life’s entire burden
Making me forget everything in this garden

Watching the sky transform its color
From blue to pink, to yellow, to purple
As the sun waves a little sweet goodbye
As the moon peeks slowly, saying “hi”

And as he illuminates everything in the place
I fly to heaven and touch God’s face
Passing the stars and the dark blue galaxy
That boundless place approaching infinity

I’ll be hearing the world sleeping and snoring
On their earthly bed, breaking and dreaming
Thinking nothing ‘bout that soul-and-body scars,
Who paid for birth, for salvation, death and wars.

On halfway of my journey, the sun shone
Giving me heat, my skin and my bone
The moment I knew it, I was back on the garden
No one knew I was out, no one knows heaven

And as I open my eyes to at last, wake up
I know that what happened isn’t a bluff
For in every single night that I rest and sleep
I travel to that mysterious garden, oh deep!

Who can tell me that everything is a dream?
When that paradise is full of real beam
Who can tell me that everything is untrue?
When those images take me away from the blue

Monday, July 13, 2009

That "Huh?" Post

What else is there to blog about except busy days and those in-betweens, those hanging questions and sweet imaginings, those untitled moments that always seem to take me away? Really, life has been very busy for me and you might consider it busy to the point that I have been spending three fourths of my day trying to value learning and still finds that three-fourths not enough. I need to learn more. If I have a choice and if I had been a real superhuman in any case, I must have spent every waking hour of my life trying to be satisfied with my abilities so I won’t ask for more. I won’t persevere more and overwork myself. I have been also guilty in 'abandoning' the cyber world, trying to give my attention to and only to academics and stuffs that has something to do with it. Now, as it has always been, the case of being guilty towards something always has its consequences. I feel the need to admit that the more days that I was busy, the more the words seem to hinder themselves. I am not finding this post easy to type and words don't flow smoothly like they usually do. Every phrase is crafted carefully not to expose immaturity. Writing is difficult for me now. Sure, there were moments during classes when I run from the real world and indulge myself to the love of words instead of the love for numbers... and yes, it feels different. It feels alive, invigorating, like a fire, like a meteor, like a resting place of sangfroid and harmony, like the escape I longed for so long but like all flames, it will lose its flick little by little, allowing me to realize that between these yawning gaps are my responsibilities as a student. EWW. The next thing I knew is that a whole sheet of paper is full of doodles, full of phrases which come easier when writing than saying out loud, phrases which came directly from my heart. As much as I hate to say that these responsibilities are what 'stops' me from my usual blog-hopping and 'blog-making', I know that these are what I am supposed to do and these are what I need to do in order to not spend another summer in between books and numbers again. It's not that I didn't like the summer. It's just that I could have full-time worked instead or slept really long or took enough time to rest and be ready, physically and emotionally, for this semester.

Studying for almost two months, I feel already exhausted, yet still breathing, still looking forward the weekdays rather than the weekends. Something is magical in the way the sun shines, knowing that we are all under that same blue sky. Something is driving me crazier each day. Somehow, it keeps me hanging there. Those things are making me still saying “yes” to everything that is coming. Weeks are sucking all of me, leaving me nothing - withered, sleepless, restless and always chaotic. Days seem to challenge me, trying to figure out if ever I’ll give in to the sweet temptation of sleeping instead of analyzing vectors… and those temptations are the most difficult to fight with, since they know my body’s desire and my mind’s silent wishes. Hours seem to pass by so swiftly during the time that I needed it to prolong for longer resting time. The more I need to rest, the less available the time is and that primary thought exhausts me. Minutes seem to be as fast as seconds and I found myself running for them, chasing bubbles, chasing the river, chasing light. Chasing something I know not. Chasing nothing. Darn. I need to hug myself for the pieces to be fit perfectly, for them not to fall and though I might hug me tight, I’m still left unsure about what to do next. Exactly, delicious ambiguity. I didn’t know that drowning myself to academics will lead me to face something that feels like uncertain, something that feels like earthquake… and I am scared.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Failed Wish

Strolling down the road I stopped and checked
Something hindered in my walking, my trek
It was a crystal-like lamp, deep purple in color
Shining, sparkling, something you’ll die for

Touching every little inch of the lamp
Like teenage Bella feeling his vamp
The dust and glitters popped out from it
A magical genie came out for me to meet


He said, “Hey lady, what is your wish?”
I thought Alladin was unreal; I was astonished
But not to waste the one and only wish I have
I closed my eyes and thought of what I love

My current craving is to have my family intact
To be committed to each other, maintain a pact
To not hinder their growth and help them instead
To share and listen to stories in lunch or in bed

To be happy because of everyone in the family
To be happy for everyone in the family
To stay at home as often as possible
To be already home as early as possible

And then I considered saying this aloud to the genie
The kind genie who gave me this rare opportunity
And as I open my mouth to wish and speak
Some of his glitters went to my eyes and seek

I blink and blink and blink and blink
The genie goes shrink, shrink and shrink
Until he is not anymore there to listen
To my only wish directed to heaven

Alas! It was better not to blink anymore
For the pain took me, went inside my core
Sure, Alladin was a beautiful invention
I sat there then with extreme desperation


The genie came... and broke me
Into millions of pieces - broken lady
How I wish that I never had that chance
I should have known this in advance.
SIGH

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Zell @ 18

Today is the season for break-up. I don’t know if there exists such concrete time but if in case it’s the first time you heard about this, maybe, I was the one who discovered it. So can you give me a round of applause now? Thanks!

Yesterday was cool in a sense that I constantly found myself laughing around at jokes from my friends. It’s like witnessing a stand-up comedian perform his/her tricks and it didn’t fail. It was my friend’s eighteenth birthday. She wore a sparkling blue gown and required us to wear a semi-formal attire for (hmm) inconvenience and for more funny moments. You know, those you-seem-to-fit-in-a-coffin looks or you-are-KIND-OF-overdressed statements. So as my old (I actually mean, past) classmates gathered, drank, and ate and partied, some were left to share stories and update each other about how life has been going for all of us. I heard that the relationships formed while we were still in high school are no longer going strong. In fact, those relationships are now nowhere to be found. Like I’ve said, it’s break-up time and the ones involved are my friends. I don’t have any idea how break-up feels like and I really don’t want to feel that. Well, who does, anyway? It’s enough that I had an idea from Isabella Marie Swan’s misery in New Moon. Actually, it’s already too much. I just feel like disappointed for these people who vowed forever and didn’t make it. I feel sorry for all the words and deeds before. It makes me nostalgic. I know that we were different ‘kids’ back then. We are still unsure about our priorities and plans for the future. I know that we were still very immature and that makes things and situations altered but what about promises? What about the quality time they spent for each other which are really unforgettable in their own kind? Are all of these things heading towards the garbage can? I hope not. Though they might say that there is still friendship, it’s not the same anymore because something already happened and something is already changed. It won’t be very much effective. What's done is done. No more turning back and wishing that it never did happen.

I am disappointed because first, I wanted them to be together forever. So, okay. I am over the fact that not all fairy tales end well. Maybe it was destiny’s mischievous game again and things happen for reasons, sure. Second disappointment is that I was looking up to those relationships. It was something admirable that fought against all odds and the kind of relationship that I see as ideal because they already endured a lot of challenges and still loving each other. It was tried and tested and seemed to know by now the dos and don’ts in a relationship. It was almost perfect and I cannot point out where everything started going wrong.

Despite the sad news I heard about that break-up thingy, my friend’s debut was still a wonderful bash. It was both elegant and party-full. It was F-U-N and I am really happy for that friend of mine because she is and was happy. I can tell it instantly. I can still imagine her in her gown and I know that she still imagines herself too. It will only happen once in her life and I am glad that I have been part of that too (Thanks too to CHGA because he agreed that I can go there :D) Her birthday was a perfect time for get-together despite of horrible exams for next week. Everyone is busy but took a time to detach. It was like an exception that says, “For once, quit those things and lose control”.

Friday, July 03, 2009

It was that Day

It was that day when he wore that white clean shirt that made me thought about those broad shoulders and pure face. There’s something in that perfect and comfortable arms which never failed to make me feel light and safe. I know back then that nothing will ever feel like that. I knew that it was one of the few things that remind me of heaven – of being so high above everyone else and the things that usually feel like dreaming away from nightmares and other stuff that creates fear and anxiety. Back then, I knew, deep within me, that I found life and spontaneity and it will kill me to lose everything I felt lately. I felt existence and it was so heavy and was so weightless both at the same time that I can fly yet I can feel myself for the first time. I can finally feel my beating heart and my brain is working rationally for the first time. I felt electricity and how it feels to run in my veins so smoothly. I felt bliss and how simple you can get it just from glimpsing at the way he moves or hold his pen or listens to the professor or simply sitting and smiling from time to time. I’ll give up this blog for those. I’ll give up my “car dream” just to witness those.

It was the day when he wore his blue shirt that made me vowed that I’ll do everything to deserve him – his goodness, his excellence, his perfect-ness. I knew back then that he deserves not just me but everything I am, everything I was and everything I am not. It was a goal set for a lifetime and though I often tell him I love him, it’s not because I need to let him know but because I just simply do and the feeling whenever I say it is increasing at infinity’s power. It was amazing and until I met him, I almost thought it was impossible. I thought that dreams stay only on that world where imaginations are the only things that exist. I know now that he is true and what we have is real though my ego convinces me that it was too good. He is tangible and is my favorite person in the world and that includes the imaginary ones.

It was the day when he was not around and wearing a colorless shirt that made me close my eyes and see him in my wildest dream – in the innermost part of my heart, in the core of my being. It was that day when I promised myself that when the right day came, I won’t let him go far away from me, not even an inch away and then we will, at last, be inseparable – both literally and emotionally. It was that day when I shut up and heard his perfect voice played in my head. It was musical and irresistible and the most assuring sound I ever perceived. I heard the sound when he’s sweet, worried, mad, teasing or sincere. It almost felt real and very comforting that he is so close though yet so far. It was the day when I pretend sleeping and felt his arms wrapped around me – so warm and so gentle, then I can no longer sleep just because reality is a lot better than my dreams. It was then that I whispered “I love you” and though he might not heard, I felt certain. I felt absolute and I included my love for him as the second thing that is constant and doesn’t change. I felt unvarying and I knew it for sure that nothing’s going to change, that everything will just miraculously keep on getting stronger… and I found myself singing with happy love songs, smiling genuinely, worry-free and only him in my mind. I wondered curiously is there exist a feeling better than what I’m celebrating and I knew that there’s none and it’s the best that I can have for the rest of my life.

The Sad Clown

It was the nighttime of the season between summer and raining. It was like the wind is just waiting for the perfect timing to blow and cradle the leaves with its sweet caress. This day is just fine. Exams were excellent since I just wished for a passing grade. So far, it was very fulfilling and makes me remember about the verse from the bible which says there is a time for planting and there’s a time for pulling what you’ve planted. Everything makes perfect sense now.

Anyway, the reason why I said “This day is just fine” and not “This day is really great” instead is that I feel like I failed in one of my goals. It is a very natural thing for a person to do everything just to see the people they love happy. Really, it is the greatest and lightest feeling in the world but also the most hurtful when you try to achieve it but eventually fail. All the helpless feeling oozes within my body, screaming “You failed this time” and because of my natural tendency to do everything to keep him happy, I’ll try again, only to realize that I just failed harder.

I am a happy-go-lucky person. I don’t worry too much about things. I am happy and funny (hopefully… somehow). I am filled with humor and comical ideas that serve as a witty skill to lift someone up whenever they need to be. Despite this truth, I don’t deny that I, too, am a sad clown. I joke around whenever I feel like breaking into pieces. I try to make everyone laugh, thinking about the hardest punch line when I feel like my tears will betray me, exposing my hidden melancholy to the chaotic world. That’s what I do – also the best that I can do, perhaps - I make my whole world positive when I’m the opposite. It’s not about pretending or fooling everyone. It’s about hoping that somehow, the laughter I bring to others is contagious enough to intoxicate me away from those things that leave me bothered.

It’s sad that this skill fails when I needed it the most and I cannot afford to fail one more time. It’s like the person I love the most is sad and though I am not literally committed to keeping him happy all the time, I feel the need to make him laugh and put him in lighter spirits. It’s impossible to just sit there and watch him drowning in his loneliness. It’s impossible for me to not at least try to change everything. I cannot do that. I love him too much that I want him to be genuinely happy always. Doing everything, seeing that nothing is changed and realizing that he doesn’t deserve to suffer from all these, I can only break down and cry. I’m worthless. I’m just a drop and he is an ocean. My skills are rusty and aren’t effective. How I wish that I am better at this.

Maybe the drama ends here. Maybe yes, maybe no but I hope not. I have clear intentions of not making this worse. Later, when I close my eyes to sleep, everything will slip and I’ll wake up with nothing to bother me… to bother him. I really just have to let this out because for justice, my blog should contain how worthless I am – that I can only make him happy and yet I wasn’t successful in making that possible, and that I can make other people who don’t matter that much laughing and happy and in high spirits but with respect to him, I can do nothing enough.

And that hurts.

--July 2, 2009

9: 54 PM