Monday, August 31, 2009

Twilight Saga

Now I know the reason behind the Twilight Saga fanatics. They really are reasonable and rational in all of their ways.

It wasn’t long since I started to read the first among Stephenie Meyer’s obra maetras: Twilight. As far as my memory helps me, it was June when I started going over the pages and let the venom spread through my veins, unstoppable and irresistible. It wasn’t that very addicting at first. After finishing the first book and feeling satisfied, I was eager to know what happened next so I allowed myself to be changed more after New Moon. Swear, the break-up with Edward was something that made me miserable, too and at some point, made me cry if it happened to me, too. The new friendship with Jacob made me sensed the upcoming love triangle and I was just excited to hear all about the jealousies and choices that will be made. It was surely a good twist of the story. With every character perfect in my mind and because of my intense curiosity and cravings for the next part of the story, I took another step towards Eclipse and felt a slight hatred for Bella because she loved two people – well, not people – at the same time. It wasn’t fair, I thought, and she doesn’t deserve Edward. Though at the end, she chose Edward over her best friend, I wanted her to finish whatever special feelings she had for Jacob Black. Also, I was more than curious for her soon transformation. I wasn’t going to let the enthusiasm fade so after turning the last page of Eclipse, I was beginning the first of Breaking Dawn. I can’t and won’t put the book down.

Just last week, when exams were everywhere, I found my refuge in Breaking Dawn. I was there in the beautiful wedding, heard the bride’s and groom’s “I do’s”, I was also a part of their honeymoon, a part of Bella’s need to protect her ‘child’ and also a part of Edward’s and Jacob’s necessitate to see the girl they love living. I, too, was a witness to Bella’s transformation and new life and to the other new life that charmed everyone else, Renesmee. Reading about her made me feel her little hand holding my face.

This isn’t a review about the four books and doesn’t contain any spoiler that will surely bore you while reading the books. This is a thumbs-up for Meyer because surely, he made another world apart from us. There aren’t any doubts now for those perfect vampires and trustworthy werewolves. The imagination has come to life and I might say that Meyer crossed the line between fiction and non-fiction, easily convincing everyone that life isn’t just about humans but the super naturals, too. Most of all, Meyer had given every reader a taste of forever and how sweet that is. I, myself, am a witness to the last jeopardy the vampire clans faced. It was almost heart-breaking to witness how Edward and Bella’s irrevocable love might come to an end, after all, how all of the sacrifices might appear worth it but still ended. For a reader, (though I knew that Meyer must be dead by now if it wasn’t a happily ever after story), I will never stand to read that the two are destroyed even though un-separated.

Too bad there isn’t a fifth book. I’ll be glad to read about the Voulturi’s official end of supremacy. Yet very and already overly satisfied with the saga.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I Really Should Have...

Sure, didn’t see that one coming.

The moral of my story speaks loudly to me: Never assume a “Yes” just because there’s no “No” and the never-ending life’s theme: Expectations hurt.

I should have known.

During this short-lived week, I was eager for the weekend. I was happily crossing days out from my calendar, jumping from 30 days to go until 2 days left. Swear, this weekend was the one I think about when there’s nothing to deal with. Surely, this gave birth to many daydreams which are still clear up to now. This was the weekend that gave me so many vivid dreams and a hoping heart. All the dreams left me with intense anticipation as I woke up and eventually, more intense disappointments, too, as the real weekend sinks in. All dreams were vague but clear, colorful and dull, bright and dark, in a sense that everything contradicts its little silly self. I was happy in my dreams and satisfaction seemed to soothe my skin. It is what I wanted. That was all I wished for.

I should have known.

As I opened my eyes to start this day, leaving the last dream that has something to do with all the expectations, I shivered and wanted to cry. The satisfaction was running away, like I was chasing light and like I was holding water and there is nothing more to do. Tomorrow will be the day and I am going to that crowded place alone.

I should have known.

I have so many issues with my dreams but the usual ones would leave me expecting for nothing. I should have known or at least, saw that one coming. Since it was shouting loud to me, I should also be speaking what it says for the nth time: Dreams are just dreams, always. May it be the dream which I saw myself playing with my dad or the past dream that we were biking again, or my present imaginings that we will have a happy time together on Sunday, the “dreams-are-just-dreams, always” still applies and I shouldn’t be stuck ever again on that muddy, sticky, overly gross wishing well. I should have known that the higher I fly with my impossible dreams, the more hurtful it will be if I fell down or was let down.

I now know, but the fact about expectations will most likely to be forgotten again as soon as eveything’s fine. I am a fool and I expect a lot. Right, right, I’ll do something about it.

I should have known.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Mom, I Love You

Maybe it was because tomorrow is mom’s birthday that I am making a post about her, but then even if the situation isn’t like this, I know deep in my heart that I am dying to tell the world that she is my mom and if I will be given a chance to live in another life and be able to choose my parents, it will still be them.

I cannot tell you every little detail which made me lucky to have a mother like mine because this blog and these words will never be sufficient, but I can tell you some things that might provide you with the picture.

My mom is a different mother. She isn’t the classical one who protects their daughter from all the jeopardy of the world. She isn’t the one who stays at home and serves three meals to her family. She has always been a career woman whom I really love and admire. Despite her duty as a nurse, she never failed a duty to be the personal nurse of the family. She is always the first to hear our first coughs, always first to feel the heat of our fever and always first to notice when depression strikes in. My mom gave me the opportunity to experience everything. Because of her, I can truly say that I have no regrets since I was able to try everything I am curious about. When I was young, she stood from far away, watching me play and bruise my knees. She was just watching when I fell, when I cried and when I eventually got the courage to stand up again. She never told me never to play again whenever I go home with overflowing sweat and dirty wounds. For her, it was always part of growing up and now that I have the enough mind to appreciate everything, I can only cry, not because the wounds and bruises still hurt but because I realized that she was selfless enough to let me grow and learn.

When I first started going to school, my nursery classmates cried when their momma left them during classes. I did not shed even a single tear for that. I know that my mom will be waiting for me and will treat me to Jolibee as soon as I finished my classes. I know that that is what I needed to do. When I first started going to college, I cried when my mom left me on my dormitory. I just know that there will be no signs of her during the nights that I need her encouarges the most and that she is not anymore there to take care of me as her young baby. I was independent. No Jolibee treats and no mommy waiting for me outside of my classroom. For me, it was the real world and I was too afraid that I resulted to crying and wishing that I may still safely stay on my mom’s womb. Rationally, I cannot live without my mom. During my first cry to the world, she was already there. She was there when I have to share my victories with someone and more importantly, she was there when I have to share my defeats with a person who will still be proud of me no matter what. She was there when I broke my heart, not telling me “I told you so” but hugging all the pieces together so I won’t break down. She was still there when I told her, “Mom, you’re wrong” and was waiting patiently after I realized that I really was the wrong one.

For all the disappointments and failed expectations that I caused her, she was still there, loving me unconditionally because I am her daughter and she is a mother, my mother. Simple as that. I wonder if I already gave her the idea how much I really appreciate every little thing she did. I wonder if she knows how happy I am to have an ice cream cone or a popcorn which she personally brought for me. Most especially, I wonder if my gratitude will be enough for the two lives she have given me - my life and hers, too. Nevertheless, I can still thank her now and do everything to be a blessing to her, too.

Mom, I love you, even though I usually fail you, even though I am stubborn at times. Mom, I need you, even though I lock the door of my room when I am mad at your decisions or I don't text when it's already late and you don't know where am I. Mom, I am thankful for having you as my mother, even though I sometimes appear unappreciative or insensitive. When you cry, I cry more.

Monday, August 10, 2009

The Desert's Call to the Rain

Oh, rain, how long shall you keep me waiting?
For your sweet kiss on my face so soothing
Will you wait for more corpses, dead of thirst?
Will you still wait for the volcano to burst?
So many arid nights I waited and wanted you
The sun has sucked up all that’s blue
And what’s left is only dullness and gray
Come back to me, I hope and pray
And never shall I wait too long again
When you come back, forever has begun
And the little angel will cover the sun
The snow so unique and pure will come down.

I watch the sky change to all its hue
Still, rain, no signs of you
What took you so long to finally be back to me?
Was it the wonder hill or the beautiful valley?
What blinded you and caused you not to see?
That I was waiting for you patiently and faithfully.
What made you deaf and caused you not to hear?
All my bittersweet whispers and messages for my dear.
What made you numb and caused you not to feel?
The nostalgia of missing our love - definitely real.
What made you endure doing nothing for us?
When I was here, remembering all the past.

Oh rain, during the day, I can’t help but weep
To listen to your promises which are all deep
But empty, verily, verily, verily, so empty,
Guiding me nowhere, leading me blindly
And when I see the clouds rolling by above
And the flocks and herds and the lonely dove
I know that I should only keep my hopes alive
For you are coming back, like a bee in its hive
Only I have to patiently wait for your coming
Not be tempted by the lake and river, oh darling.
You’ll come back after some exhausting travel
Finding me still here, not able to say farewell.

What's Up for Next Week

August 10, 2009 – the last day of the weekend before non-stop deal with numbers and symbols again. This time, I’ll admit that I am grabbing the weekend close to me so that it will last longer than how it usually does. I feel a sort of uninspired and tired to go to school and fight my sleepy head and try to absorb everything that I need to learn so that I’ll be able to retrieve a thing during the exams. I admit, I am still losing my self here. I still have a little enthusiasm to get me through but I hope that that enthusiasm will leave me smiling after a storm of Math experience washed me out to the extent of my limits.

It’s exactly a week before I take a deadly exam in Math 109, which is a subject about proving and techniques in doing so. I call it deadly because I’ve seen how the professor gives an exam. She is mercy-less and more than challenging. Her quiz was something I didn’t expected and is hard enough to fit for an exam. The exams she does will really knock you off and will tell you what you don’t know. It’s also a good way to enforce humility and limitations. A week after that exam, Physics 71 will give me the thrill. Honestly, I am excited for this second long exam. Maybe because, I am studying Physics more now than how I did for the last months. I am seeing Physics now as something useful and not something which bores me a lot, though it still does at times. However, though I am seeing the little beauty of Physics, there is still the un-assurance of passing my second exam. I am still not confident enough although I am taking some time to study it. In that same week, it is Statistics 101’s turn too. My professor is cool but gives difficult and long exams, too, the kind which will give you the thrill of not finishing what you’re answering. He is also a fast teacher – the kind which needs fast-learners too in order to maximize learning.

Now, given the things that I will do for the next two weeks, I am finding it hard to look forward those. I am sitting comfortably on my chair now, faced with words, faced with photographs, listening to music, doing whatever I want and pressure-less. It’s difficult to step out of my comfort zone and be ready that failure may soon step in. Right now, I feel like a caterpillar that is afraid to undergo metamorphosis. Any courageous step might break my pieces all together.

Yet I have no choice for the world will continue spinning and the clock will continue ticking and later on, Mr. Moon will wave goodbye and it’s already Tuesday and classes are on. I only have to choose between being ready and playing on a fool’s paradise of make-believe that there aren’t any upcoming exams and everything will flow as I want them to be. Never let any fright master you, I should have known.

Good thing that my difficulties are a lot smaller than my God. Whatever it is that is happening, it is bound to make me more knowledgeable and eventually better. He won’t give something I cannot handle and besides, this is God’s battle between Math for I am fully dependent on his power and authority. I reside in Him and He resides in me. Nothing is too hard for Him, not a deadly Math 109 exams or a long Stat 101 exams or a confusing Physics 71 exams. Chicken. These exams are not even painful. It cannot hurt an ego.

Off I go tomorrow with the confidence that God will enlighten my mind and will prepare me for whatever that’s coming – even failure, for in every failure, we people grow. Goodbye, weekend! Until next week!

Friday, August 07, 2009

The Ulimate Birthday Wish

I thought about what I really want for my birthday. I know that it’s too far from now. I know that it’s still months from now but as a little child, my mom would say that the eighteenth birthday of a lady is supposed to be the most memorable. I am not looking forward to a big party which has dances, gowns and champagnes, but I am looking forward the privilege of asking my parents for a gift. After seventeen years, I haven’t asked them anything on my birthday. Now will be the only time.

First, I thought about my hobbies and my obsessions. I thought about asking them for an i-phone or an i-pod touch. I lingered on that wish until I realized that I want something handy or some things which I can just bring to school on ordinary days. I thought about a simple i-pod nano. Being still undecided, I thought about asking for a professional digital camera but upon realizing that I am no professional, I thought about a simple digital camera will do. Second, I thought about impossible gifts. A condominium unit, for instance, or a model car or a photo studio. Again, as I realized and distinguished reality from ambitions, I stopped asking them for one and decided to be really serious in my studies and just purchase one after finally calling myself successful.

Today, as I woke up from the week’s exhaustion, I saw a package in front of me. “To Cris Anne”, it says and it was wrapped in a gold paper with a black ribbon. The box was something of regular size but hindered my vision because it was too close when I woke up and as I opened it, I can’t believe it my very eyes. It was a digital camera, from someone anonymous. There are no traces of the one who gave it so I am not sure who that person is and I also have no clue about who might possibly give it to me. Only few people know what I want for my birthday. It’s still too big for a token of someone who cares. Until now, I can’t believe I already woke up. Everything still feels like a dream in the blue, a bubble to be pricked. My mom said, it was transported by LBC, some agency responsible for delivering packages but they are to keep the identity of the one who gave it. I am sure that it didn’t come from my parents since they will wait until October if ever they are planning to give me a present. August is still far from October. They can’t give me that thing this early. I am not in the mood for a logical thinking about who had given me that present. That person decided to be anonymous so I shouldn’t try figuring out that person’s identity but whoever he/she may be, may God bless him/her because that person made me really pleasurably surprised and very happy.

After a “dream come true”, I realized that it isn’t really the gift I wanted for my birthday. What I am dying to achieve day after day is to bring my mother back to the Church. I want her to be spiritually active again and to be fully dependent to our Creator. That is my ultimate birthday wish and I know that I’ll be happy to see it and very contented. No pictures from a digital camera and no music from an i-pod can bring me the satisfaction of seeing my mom singing songs of worship and praise and watching God work on her life. It’s not that I didn’t like the digital camera. Of course, I so much do, but I am also acknowledging the fact that really, the best things in life aren’t really things.

If ever that mystery person came from blog-o-sphere, I am expressing my deepest gratitude to you. I am so overwhelmed. May God bless you more and someday, I’ll bring back the joy you had given me. Thanks!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

From Confusion to Confidence

Separating myself from the Calculus and Physics thing, I came to reflect about the message in today’s scripture. From confusion to confidence, the bible speaks about ways to cope up with confusion and negative emotions, because we, people are mostly open to happy feelings but close our doors as soon as we feel that something is wrong. We do defense mechanisms to pretend that we are okay and we don’t like others to see that we are not having a good time.

Personally, being immature and everything, I suppress emotions when they seem to distract me from my usual activities. It’s difficult to deal with word problems when I have a broken heart. I flee from those sorts of things. I escape the suffocating heat of melancholy. When sadness seems to walk in the way, I keep myself busy so that I won’t have any time to linger on the bitterness. I’ll just concentrate on meeting deadlines and appearing to be the best that I can be, fooling no one but me. I admit, I am guilty in just trying to forget all negative emotions so when the same thing happen, I don’t know what to do because I didn’t face it during the first time. It’s true that the deeper you try to bury a certain emotion, the more it revenges against you. When we try to bury a feeling, we don’t actually bury it dead; instead, we bury a living feeling. Newton’s third law says that for every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction. That is also applicable to suppressing one’s feelings. The more we hide it, the more it tries to catch everyone’s attention. There is no other way except to face everything that is coming and be courageous. After all, the Lord will never ever leave us and won’t forsake us so there’s nothing to worry and nothing to be frightened of.

I also remember Morrie Schwartz saying that we should expose ourselves to every kind of feeling, embrace it and overcome it. Truly, we don’t get anything from hiding except for the piles of emotions bugging us during sleepless nights. On the other hand, if we will decide to turn our face to every trial sent by the Lord to strengthen us, we will sleep with a very light heart and worry-free mind and a wishful prayer asking God to mold us through these things. True, we will cry and grieve for a while because of facing a problem which may appear to be really difficult but in the long run, it is still better than constant hurting. True, it takes a little courage and some turns to admit that we are driving to the opposite direction but acknowledging this and doing appropriate actions will lead us to somewhere, apparently closer to our target place. This is a lot better than driving in the opposite direction and moving only farther and farther.

This is the lesson for today, more important than angular acceleration or elliptical hyperboloid. This is the lesson I still haven’t mastered and still needs a lot of practice and courage. This is the lesson which I still take for granted sometimes though I am already aware of. I am not an expert on this field but somehow, I do hope that I’ll hop on this post when I am trying to forget and escape everything. I also hope that somehow, this post may speak to you during the times that we are trying to keep ourselves busy to suppress unwanted emotions.

Have a great weekend, bloggers! May God bless you all! J

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

A Homecoming

It has been two years, since I graduated from high school and I wasn't able to absorb it until last Monday. I was overwhelmed with college that it didn’t allow me to have a thinking moment about what is actually over. I just lived and went on with the raging flow of time.

My current university includes Monday as a weekend (by that, I am so thankful) and because there is no classes, a high school friend, younger than me by a year and is still my schoolmate now that we’re college, asked my help for a Math topic. She is having some difficulties with a subject in which I am through. I said yes because I feel the need to share what I know, no matter how small it is. I feel the need to share my blessings to others who need it. In that case, it was the bit of education that I have and a year experience in my current university. Sometimes, Math topics go well with advices and a spoonful of encouragements. We decided to meet at our high school which isn’t that far away from home. The goal was to teach her and to visit my Alma Mater.

Monday came and everything planned go well (hmm... except for maybe, the twist of being late and the pressure that it contains). I saw my past teachers, my past room, my past table, my past school. It makes me really nostalgic to say the word ‘past’. It is as if it’s not yet over. It is as if I still belong to it. It feels like two years made me a different person and it made LAMS a different school. Yes, the foods in the canteen are still the same, only they are now selling it for a higher price. Yes, the paint in those familiar walls are still the same, only it doesn’t contain the fingerprints of my naughty classmates, trying to embark their “I was once here” legacy. I felt like I was in the place I already memorize but something is different and I can’t say it exactly.

If there is something really memorable about my high school, it will be the friends and teachers I had in there. The friends who used to be them and the ‘me’ who I used to be and the teachers who seem not to change at all. Now that I can pinpoint a lot of natural and acceptable changes in each of every one of us in the batch, only that school remains and contains all the laughing and crying memories of our years together. That school didn’t teach me enough information for me to be really proud of it until college. That school was not able to produce a student who can stand out everyone else in the university, but surely, that school honed me to be the person I am today who enjoyed so many memories in her life. I still owe them a lot. That institution holds a special part in the steps in achieving my dreams and plans I laid out myself.

It’s good to be back home once in a while and reminisce the past.

Monday, August 03, 2009

On Peace and Democracy: Tita Cory

One of the things that make Philippines stand out is the People Power Revolution. It was a manifestation of their nationalism, faith and their love for peace and democracy. It was one-of-a-kind and very distinct, something that tastes like Pinoys. I don’t think the same peaceful thing can still happen but I do hope so. The EDSA I (People Power Revolution) is something you can easily google and search on the Internet so I won’t be dealing much about it. I am after the death of the public figure during that revolution, the death of the bringer of the peace, the death of the mother of the Philippines, the death of Mrs. Corazon Aquino. People Power won't be the same without her and the Philippines won't be the same, either.

I wasn’t born during the time that Mrs. Aquino was the president of this country yet History books tell me that she is indeed someone worth remembering. History and experience are two different things and are really far from each other. I am sad that I only had a taste of the first one. Unfortunately, I only knew her as the wife of Ninoy Aquino (also a symbol of nationalism and democracy), the mother of Kris Aquino and the first Filipina president. My college experience tells me that Corazon Aquino is elite, a Cojuanco whose family is having a somehow political dynasty on lands. She was just Corazon Cojuanco-Aquino who was the next after Marcos and allowed Chinese Mestizos to bud their business here. After all, she was one of them.

Now that everything is sinking in and it is really clear that she’s dead, I know that I have a large misconception about her. She was and will always be Tita Cory who is well-loved by those prisoners of the Marcos era. She is the reason why they are enjoying their new life now. She will always be the mother of Philippine’s democracy and the one who had given Filipinos their hope when everything seemed abstract and endless. She will always be Cory Aquino – the ideal mother of everyone, and I was blinded with these things until I saw the Philippines grieving.

As a president, Corazon Aquino has always been admired and loved. She is a real emblem of humility. She is unlike so many presidents who is despised my many and who is commented negatively. As a president and a person, she has always been selfless and never greedy. I wasn’t living during those times but Filipinos won’t cry for her death if she was selfish and arrogant. I wish that I can live a life a bit similar to hers. I wish that I can be as selfless as her and never prioritize my own desires over the good of the majority. How I wish that I can also inspire others by my natural works, and not trying do so. She is indeed admirable in all of her ways.

I do believe that if ever Cory is seeing the unified Philippines now, she will be happy that even at her death, the messy political issues are silenced and people are focusing on the good acts she did. Busy people paused and reminisced and admired. I know that somewhere, she is praying for the Philippines, as she always does when she was still alive. I know that somewhere, she is happy for her children and their accomplishments and the rest of the Filipinos who love their own country. I know that somewhere, she's proud.

My prayers for Tita Cory are all sincere. May she really find peace and pride upon looking back on the things she did and how she made a difference on so many lives. She was and is really someone. She is an example to follow and look up to and is a hero in her own ways.

Farewell, Tita Cory! May you open more eyes!

Sunday, August 02, 2009

A Different Phase

This blog resembles its author so much. It’s sometimes melancholic and always happy indeed. It’s seldom silent and often very talkative. It’s sometimes sweet but usually bitter about Math and Physics. Just like me, this blog changes a lot – from short stories to personal experiences to rational lessons to countdowns and lists of wishful things to poetry – name it all. However, as much as I talked about almost everything in here for more than a year, I have been reserving sensitive topics like religion, faith and politics only to myself. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about those things. Sure, I am game to everything, game to talk or debate on anything. It is also not because I have nothing good to say about these things. Sure, I have some, but it’s because those topics are very serious which might allow me to create a poll in here or a large discussion. I don’t want to emphasize differences here so I just allowed a little number of post for those topics. I want nothing but to make a mark of my existence through this blog, something peaceful but not too memorable, something true but not really exact and straightforward. Now, I am trying to move out of my comfort zone, trying to try out something new and hopefully still entertaining but true. It’s time to say more about the inner me, giving in to topics like religion and faith, trying to draw attention not to me but to God, His words and His works.

This is the little bit of thing that I have. I have a small free spot on the net, known by some people, read by a number of internet-surfers who appreciate words and efforts combined. I have a bit of time for reading and for writing and a bit of education to write in a universal language which most people understand. Though I constantly find myself crying with Nicholas Spark’s novels or life testimonies of other people who had an encounter with God, I can say that I have a bit of strength to tell people what I believe in and be proud of it. As they say that a little bit of everything can produce a great miracle, I am giving all this a-little-bit’s, hoping that lines in here will be transformed from “I hate this day!” into “The Lord is Good and so is this day!” unintentionally but whole-heartedly.

I am perfectly aware that I may lose my few readers because of this transformation, yet I trust God that He’ll use this blog as much as He uses those other sites which are really inspiring. In the end, everything will turn out right, I believe and I have enough faith to take in the risk of being unheard again and the risk of starting from scratch once more. That’s not easy but surely worth everything that I am planning.

However, despite of the changes I am planning to make, I am still pushing into poetry, heartaches, brain-farts and brain-arts. That crazy me is still somewhere in between those curiosity towards life. This is still my blog and is still my life. I just felt the need to warn my readers that there will be a few changes aiming to make everything better and transformed (Transformed- yeah, I think that’s the word I have been chasing around since yesterday.) so that they won’t be alarmed in any way that Rhaingel, the author of this blog, is missing and some alien-predator took in her place and hacked her site. That seems interesting, though.

Thanks, readers! Thanks for never getting tired of bearing with me!