Friday, September 25, 2009

Runaway

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it tooAnd I would run away
I would run away, yeah, yeah
I would run away
I would run away with you'



Cause I am falling in love with you
No never, I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you



Close the door, lay down upon the floor


And by candlelight,
make love to me through the night

'Cause I have run away... I have run away with you.

Runaway by the Corrs; Photos from weheartit.com

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Finally

Finally, I’ll be turning eighteen in about two weeks.

By the word 'finally', I am referring to the people who are already very excited while I was still eight. I was the first-born of the family, the first daughter and the first grandchild. There is no way you can blame these people for feeling so excited.

Now that I am almost two weeks from finally bidding my pediatrician goodbye, I realized that everything is not how I first saw the world.

Back to the days when I was still elementary, I thought that nothing is going to be hard except for daily quizzes and spelling every Wednesday. It was my only world and I guess, the only pressure I can tolerate at a very young age. When I was in high school, nothing is worse than Monday morning cramming when last night’s party was still in my head. Now that I am in college, Math exams are the worst. Especially when your professor is not the generous and passionate kind. There are still cramming. There are still daily quizzes which occasionally knocks me off but unlike elementary and high school, I am just a step away from bathing into the real world. Now, it feels like every exams count, like failing one would eventually imply that a company will reject me and won’t employ me in any way. I haven’t felt any pressure like that before. I guess, the pressure increases as the aging thing goes on.

Besides college, I struggle inside to the thought that I can now get a driver’s license, buy liquor and cigarettes on the restricted part of the grocery (not that I have plans), vote for government officials, work legally, and do the stuff that are only for eighteen years old and above. I really cannot wait to avail the privileges that are equipped with being eighteen.

Though, I am nervous.

I won’t have any valid reasons now for acting childishly when all the while, I still feel young inside, like I can tumble on the field and dance as I get up like I don’t care for anything else in the world. Poor young Rhaingel, she’s stuck in a body of an eighteen-year old! She doesn’t have any choice except to act her age.

Two weeks and I’ll still be me. Though maybe, I should consider growing up. In fact, I should start growing up because tonight I’m still a child but tomorrow, I’ll be some lost stranger in the real world. Scary but real and inevitable.

I guess I am also excited about turning eighteen but horrified to turn nineteen, especially twenty. Twenty sounds a serious thing already and though I am constantly preparing myself emotionally and mentally for that, I am still fifteen at heart, still loves blogging, still hates studying, still like ice cream and still believes in Santa Claus.

Aging. Maybe it won’t hurt at all. Maybe it isn’t a big leap after all that will be very remarkable, but I hope that the eighteen-experience will be great for the seventeen was utterly the best so far. Seventeen going eighteen… can’t help but be excited.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Almost There, Almost Done

It was last Thursday night when I came to realize things. It was almost twelve o' clock in the clock and I haven’t abandoned my Math exercises, too scared to fail. Tomorrow is the fourth long exam and I need to get a good grade so I won’t have a cardiac arrest while taking the finals. I need to pass this so that the pressure won’t be that large that I can’t anymore contain it.

Every optimization problem seems to sink me in the bed where I am sitting. Sweet temptation. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to finally lie down and be contented for this day and just hope that tomorrow is not a day that I will regret forever. I know that I’ll eventually get through. I just hope that I will get through with no havoc done.

From the five-hour sleep, I woke. From the supposed-to-be-an-hour-travel-elongated-by-two-hour-traffic, I survived, and a chapter quiz in my Statistics 101 is what awaits me. I knew it. I was not surprised that there is a quiz, but though I am completely aware, I didn’t even hold a Stat book to review or scan. Worse is I knew it was coming but I cannot convince myself to listen to the professor. Sometimes, I know the right thing to do yet I’m still choosing the wrong one, which seems interesting and convenient all this time. The exam wasn’t a terrible one, after all. It was considerate enough for my professor to allow us to open our course notes so it was not very regretful that I didn’t even scan. It was so kind of him, in fairness, to think that Stat is not our only subject at school but the exam and adrenaline rush was enough to wash all the Calculus I studied last night.

I am a Math major, for the nth time and Calculus is the art of my soul. It was a nightmare before but is now a part of my student life. Calculus is my favorite subject. It challenges my ego. It humbles me down and convinces me to strive for more… and more and more… It tells me not to be contented about my scores because I can do better, that’s why it’s very important for me to get a good score now. I’ve been studying a week before the exams so I got no excuse for failing this time.

Fortunately, it was the kind of exam my professor didn’t pour all of his hate on. It was ‘answerable’ and by that, I am grateful and contented. (Did I tell you that he sometimes makes exams that will make your nose bleed?) Surely, my exam won’t be perfect but I am crossing my fingers that somehow, it’s better than my last two long exams (okay, never mind the last two exams. This isn’t about them).

The worst isn’t over yet. Since we are fast approaching October and weeks seem to go on overnight, the first semester of my second year in college is almost over. It means several things: First, I am now closer to graduation and closer to the real world. I really cannot wait. Second, it’s almost goodbye to my perfect schedule this sem. Another uncertain schedule is coming and it who knows, it might be the worst schedule everyone thinks of. Third, if the semester is ending, finals are unavoidable. Darn. Final examinations which are cover-to-cover and are scheduled day-after-day. Sleepless nights are coming. Lastly, I think I’ll be appreciating sem break now since I am yearning for long hours of sleep.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Parting Time

I remember the days When you're here with me

Those laughter and tears we shared for years

Mem'ries that we had for so long it's me and you
Now you're gone away, you left me all alone

Go on, do what you want but please don't leave me
You'll break my heart

Hey, what should I do Babe, I'm missin' you

Please don't disappear
these are the words that you should hear

Time and time again I wish that you were here

I don't wanna lose you girl I need you back to me
I don't wanna lose you Baby can't you see

Oh, I need you You've been a part of me

I wish someday you'll be back home

Please come home...
Parting Time by Rockstar
Photos from weheartit.com

Everywhere

…Then it occurred to me that I am seeing his face everywhere, very clearly, very magically yet entertaining.

He is in the clouds, his beauty surpasses the shining sun, and his smiles seem to chase all the storms away from what he defines as paradise. He is in the side of the road where I am walking, watching my every step, watching me drifting and slowly notice him. He is in my Math notes, distracting me from nauseating numbers and differential equations and inspiring me at the same time to catch up on him. He is on the water I am drinking, tickling my lips and quenching my needs. He is in my dreams, drowning me, pulling me and giving my life a new meaning and making everything appears like there is really some sense. He is between the stars and the full moon, surpassing both of them with the brightness in his eyes and the gravity of his irresistible smiles.

He is there with the fresh air I breathed this morning, providing me with a redirection, a fresh start, a peace in the inner restless me. He is with the running river flowing through the sea, providing life not only to me but to everyone close to his soul, enlivening them, flowing through the clogged veins of yesterday. He is in the most sparkling mist of the breaking dawn, signaling that the night is over and that brightness will soon sink in. He is with the fire between the charcoal and wood, providing heat and life to me who is frozen and cold before he came and touched my life. He is in the soil that continuously nourishes and supplies life to my withering leaves and stems and rotten fruit, allowing me to be radiant and shiny and full of life.

He is with the twisted g-clef of every music composition which came from my heart. He is in every song, in every line, in every falsetto of the depths of my desire. He is in between my fingers kissing the piano’s keyboard, trying to create a masterpiece out of depression and love. He is in my silence, the true music’s face and the emphasis in every living masterpiece. He is in my broken note which made the maestro raise his left eyebrow uncomfortably. He is in those silenced screams and hushed melodies, witnessing how bitter life sometimes treats me.

He is on my wounded heart, kissing every scratch, healing all the aches and changing the situation so I would hurt less. He is on my fiery soul, never leaving me alone when everyone seems to do so. He is there on my shoulders, comforting me when I have lost and failed, telling me it’s okay even though I don’t feel like it is. He is in my loud laughter, capturing another momentous minute of my life and holding the pieces back so I will have something to reminisce later on. He is there on my piercing tears, letting all the pieces flow so I would have nothing to hold back and hang around when I feel all alone. He is there at my shadows while I stand courageously at the light. He remains hidden and unnoticed in the dark shadows and later on, I’ll miss him though I feel his presence and I’ll miss him more because I see him in everything that exists and in everything that does not. He is there at my back when I was trying to stand for myself. He was waiting for the perfect moment so that he’ll carry me around and he’ll stand up for the both of us. He is there with my every breath, my every blink, my every pulse. He is in me and I am in him and we belong to each other.