Tuesday, May 24, 2011

A Cliche Heartbreak

It was fourteen minutes after seven o’clock of this day when I finally decided to write about my heartbreak. It was storming violently outside and I can no longer hear the comfort songs that have been playing loudly on my speakers. The setting was a cliché. I’m quite sure that I’ve already read or watched this somewhere. It was a lazy evening but everybody seems busy. There were no stars in the sky although I haven’t checked. There are just certain things in life that you need not a proof or two for you to be persuaded.
 
I wanted to make this post and not to make this post. Weird and contradicting. You see, when I write, I usually learn from myself. When I hear the little voice which talks inside my head, I judge whether I make sense or not. Now, I wanted to hear myself out and judge whether I make sense or not. On the other hand, I don’t want to make this post because this will make me remember those happy times that I temporarily want to remove from my mind, for the greater heartbreak doesn’t lie on remembering the bitter details about your petty fights but on remembering the happy times together and why it won’t happen again.

My books for the Mathematical paper that I am currently working on are scattered on my table since Sunday. I haven’t opened them yet because as he said during one of those quarrels, my mind is closed and I am not capable of any learning at this time of my life. All has been said and done and I was the one who made the decision to finally give up on what we’re trying so hard to work on. When I think about the memories and happy moments we shared together, I know that I have made a wrong decision, that I have made myself a little more miserable. Yes, something in me is convinced that we can solve this together just like the other problems that made our relationship even stronger. But my rational ego tells me that I made the right decision, that I may be unhappy with my own choice but everyone else will agree that what I did was right and logical. I am preserving myself.

I am afraid to sleep. I am terrified to even close my eyes for I know that all my dreams will be about him. I am scared of myself. I know that some time from now, I will regret the decisions that I made and would want to go back to the time when I gave up and change everything. I am scared of everyone else because they would give me too many what if’s: what if you didn’t give up, what if your problem magically solved itself and what if you’re still together. I know that I would cry for the death of my dreams, for the loss of my plans on being together for the rest of our lives and for the defeat of myself who had been hanging in there for quite some time now. I know that more than missing his smiles, the warmth of his hand and the way he makes me feel so special, I will miss the girl I was whenever we are together. I will miss laughing and feeling so happy just because today is another day that we will be spending loving each other. I will miss the girl who wakes up feeling sorry because she slept accidentally while her boyfriend and she were texting the night before. I will miss the girl who gets all the butterflies in her tummy whenever her boyfriend tells her how much he loves her. I will definitely miss the way everything was, the way every verb is written at their present tense.

Now I’m taking too much time writing every sentence of this post, thinking each of it ends with a period. You see, I am not very fond of endings. I am not so proud of what I did, neither am I happy, but as a grown up, I am supposed to decide not for myself only but for the best of everyone involved. I hope I made the right decision. I hope everything will get better sooner. *hugs and pats her dear self*

Sunday, May 22, 2011

How Have You Been

How have you been? I ask the similar question to myself. It was more than six months when I last blogged something vague and unusual, not really explaining what’s going on with my life, and receiving comments which ask me about what happened to my writing. Well, I was and am okay. I can’t say that I was really busy because I clearly remember those times when I slack around and took this blog for granted. Now, I am trying to make it up for this little place.

First, I edited the description of myself in the little sidebar on the right. I am now nineteen. I already lost the privilege of saying aloud that I am sixteen and is actively updating this blog every week. I am now nineteen with the same doubts and fears I had when I was sixteen. I am now nineteen with higher expectations from people around me. I am now nineteen, as confused as ever.

Second, I am now on my fourth and final year in college. I am both thrilled and tired, and I do not have the slightest idea on how it could be. I am thrilled that finally, I will be graduating from school. I know that I should make the most of learning this year and not think about leaving school finally but after the endless nights of proving nothing and too many powerful mornings of eternal yawning, the thought that I’m finally graduating is too sweet to ignore and too spicy to think about often. I am also thrilled to think about the final subjects that I will be taking. Majority of those subjects are related to the thesis that I am currently working on so it’s nice to study something which screams its usefulness.

Third, I am done with Sage. Sage is a review center which admits incoming senior high school students and helps them pass the challenging college entrance examinations. As my memory allows me to recall, I made a post last year telling the blog-o-sphere about recent developments about Sage. This summer, I again committed myself to Sage. I was an Algebra teacher, a brand that I love to call myself. I had so much fun with the Sage experience this year, as well as last year, and that makes me nostalgic this early. This is my last year in teaching there and I will miss making and checking Math problems. I will miss communicating with students and trying to answer all of the ambiguities that they believed in. I will miss the Sage experience and every little lesson and fun that it gave me.

Lastly, I am up to so many things right now. As I mentioned, I am currently working on my Mathematical paper. Aside from that, I am currently inclined to digital photography. I love the way every simple things magically turn special when captured by the lens. I love the way I look fine when I smile even though gazillion of things are running in my mind. Aside from those things, I am also trying to commit myself to writing again. I do not know why in particular. I just realized that everything moved so swiftly when I abandoned my pen and paper, and I feel sorry for the times worthy of a blog post but then the feeling is not as intense and real as it was before and so I cannot write about it at the moment. I want to commit myself to writing again because this is my other world, the one who listens to all my boredom and ranting. This little space catches all my happy thoughts and stores it so that I can read them some time, when I forgot the things that matter and cannot anymore remember how it feels to be really happy. This reminds me of the melancholic times too and tells me again and again that I can get through anything that is happening in and with my life.

Till next post, blog-o-sphere! I am back, hopefully!